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What was once something beautiful, turned to being reduced to shards to be thrown away. He wasn't the person to be blamed for what happened that night, but he still felt responsible for letting it happen. It would have taken time and a lot of effort, but even the tiniest shards of ceramic can be reconstructed into something nice. That's what he had hoped, anyways. That lingering feeling that tells him that his once-beloved deserved this fate wouldn't stop nagging at him for the past few months. They had fractured his heart, scolded him for nothing, and didn't want to improve. And yet... part of him still holds on. Why did he want to return to the person that hurt him most? Fuck, he was so desperate for anything at this rate. He couldn't stop yearning for anyone to be there and just hold him for a little while longer, but here he was sitting on the edge of his bed.
Andrew sighed, rubbed his eyelids and sat up. No matter how much he thought about Ivan, he couldn't muster up the courage to talk to anyone about what happened to him. No one would even care, it was too long ago now. Why should he care that he killed himself, he abused him, right? But... Ivan was the only person he had for so long. It had been many many days since his funeral, yet here he was still living rent free in his head. Andrew really couldn't get this feeling off of him, could he? He could only think of one thing to do to try and ease his mind.
Leaving the front doors of the shitty apartments complex, Andrew for once feels just a little bit content bringing himself to do this. He really needed this, just for some closure. He takes a deep breath before opening his car door. Andrew's thoughts are racing, but he needs to calm himself. If he doesn't get this done, he'll just push it to another day as he does everything else. One more deep breath, and Andrew turns on the car, and then starts driving away. He was going to do this now, no matter what.
Andrew always found graveyards especially dreary. Not just... the corpses below the ground, but they always seem to be incredibly dark and the ambience of crows doesn't help either. It's a cold winter night, his warm breath creating rapid clouds of air. The crunch of the iced ground are the only the only things Andrew's ears could register as he walks toward what he was here for. It's just a slab of stone, isn't it? There's nothing to he afraid of... right? He doesn't want to open eyes, but he has to confront the name that he's been afraid of for as long as he remembers, but has refused to leave his mind.
IVAN ■■■■■■■
20XX - 20XX
Christ, it took everything in his power not to run away from here or to crumple to his knees, but Andrew used his strength to calm himself down one final time. The air really was quite cold, wasn't it?
"I still think about you." Andrew stares blankly at the stone, hands inside of his coat pockets. "Every single day, I can't stop thinking about what could have happened differently." His voice was stern, but there was still a tinge of regret hidden inside. "...I think you could have saved yourself, I really do. I don't know why part of me wants that, but... I guess I'm a little more forgiving than others, I don't know." Andrew's breath hitches as he trails off. "I don't even know why I'm doing this, I don't even believe in ghosts." Deep breath. "You..." He pauses for a moment. "...you really fucked me up, Ivan. I thought it would have been nice for once to live somewhere comfortable and not have to worry about anything. That's how it was... but what changed, Ivan?" His breathing quickened slightly. "I know I was harsh towards you, I know that, but you just kept yelling at me. One moment you're there laughing with me and the next you're calling me a parasite... why?" The wind was starting to get to him. "I just wanted to work on my own, was that so hard to ask? I may be stubborn, but you... you just kept on insisting on intruding on my work." He sniffles, unsure whether its the weather or not. "...you then leaked the game just to feel something. Revenge, for me wanting to leave the hell that I was in."
Andrew could hardly keep himself together. He had been wanting to say all this for so long, to anyone. But here he was, speaking to no one at all, and yet he still had to hold back from breaking down. "...but here I am." He finally breathes out, catching himself if only for a moment. "That part of me that cares about you never left, even after I sent you those documents. Sure, I hated you, and never wanted to see your face around... but... I didn't want this to happen." It was getting harder to keep it together. "Part of me was happy, but everything else on my body hurt. No matter how shattered my heart was from what you've done to me... I still thought that you could have been fixed... It would have taken a long while, but I would be willing to give you the chance." His breaths were becoming more and more hitched. "You could have fixed yourself, Ivan. You could have at least tried. Why did you have to take this why out, Ivan? Why?" The gates were falling apart. "At least I felt something before, but with you just never here anymore... I'm alone, Ivan. I- I think..." He fails to take a deep breath. "I think I needed you, I'm sorry." He broke down.
Alone, cold, late at night, in a graveyard lays a man broken by the people he thought he trusted the most. He thought he could trust one more person for once... and yet here they lay in front of him. A man crying for the person he wanted gone the most. Shattered glass, both figuratively and physically. A man who fell off of a building, and a man's mental state that cannot recover. "Why, Ivan, WHY?" Andrew manages to yell through stifled sobs. There's no one else he has left in his life. His parents despise him and all of his other friends abandoned him. Alone, in a shitty apartment with only a computer to his name. The last person who he knew cared about him and knew him for his talent, buried. "I have no one Ivan you could have at least fucking tried. You fucking coward why would you do this to me?" It's so hard for him to even think properly. He hadn't been able to talk like this for months, never since Ivan's death.
"I haven't known what to think about you for so long. I reciprocated all of my feelings out of worry. I let everything get too out of hand. I didn't know you were suicidal, so I just... watched from the sidelines as it all went downhill." Andrew is finally able to take a deep breath. "I thought there was a chance that you might have been able to turn things around and be able to make a name for yourself out there. I think you blinded yourself. I-..." Andrew hesitates for a long while... unsure if he really means what he will say. The winter air kept beating down on him with snow, the clouds of smoke coming from his mouth signing uncertainty. He can't seem to find the proper words for this, but he knows its true. He wanted all those nights back of warmth and bliss. He just wants someone there for him, someone who knows how much he cares. He should have done the same with Ivan.
"I wish I told you how much I loved you.”