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Me, and the bigger picture.
The stars that twinkle in the night sky, this freezing air, and you sitting in front of me as I tightly grasp my cinematic record; heaving it up. You gently tug it from the place you are in this dilapidated structure that must once have been a well-loved palace.
My ring fell to the ground; the purple gemstone remained intact.
I am only wearing a long black shirt and shorts, and a piece of cloth tied behind my head hangs low, revealing my marked eye. My attire indicating my role in this world is now- and will forever be completely eradicated from my being.
I knew all along that something such as this was my fate, by choice.
Me, all alone somewhere with no choice but to say goodbye.
Me, thinking about the screams and cries of my dear fiancée as she hears the news.
Me, knowing all along that I’d never marry her and was just leading her on, because I didn’t know how to tell her any of this.
I don’t know how to navigate this world by myself, and so, for our sakes, I bottled it all up and played along with a fantasy.
But please, don’t cry for me. Don’t die for me.
My last wish was for you to never tell her the way in which I will truly die. Who you really are, and what you have been all along.
I hugged you for the first time last night and with heartfelt sigh, you held my hands to confirm your pledge to me- that you will hold onto our secret till the day- whenever that will be, that you will die.
A feast to you, and the disappearance of me. I don’t resent you any, so is the circle of life, and I happen not to be at the very top of the food chain, and that’s okay.
As I stand here, and as your energy slowly eats away at mine, and I perish before your eyes, I am grateful you’ve given me time to just… think.
Everything’s taken care of, as much as it can be- so, I can finally feel a level of peace.
But, I have some questions that I will never get to ask you. I cannot speak, and I did not deepen the bind, so I cannot speak with you telepathically.
I see the look in your eyes, theres this… certain pity for me that I can’t help but hate. I am so shaken, to the point where…
I think I’m crying…
Don’t tell me you feel bad for me, like you didn’t know that this is what would happen.
Don’t pity me, don’t feel weak for me. That is what I hate most.
I can’t control the emotions of others, but who am I that someone should feel bad for me?
Will you make my death, and the last supper as painless as possible?
What is that… honor that you seem to have for me these days?
I am not noble. I am worthless, and the world would be much better off without me, as a member of the Phantomhives, and as an individual.
I have been the source of endless pain for everyone around me. I am selfish. And suffering is the only present which those around me have opened since my inception.
…Perhaps that’s why you seem to like me so much?
Do I parallel you in a way no other human in a pact with you ever has?
Or am I thinking too much about it?
I must think fast to get all the words coming straight from my heart out!
I will never get another chance!
I will never have another body if my soul disappears from all corners of the universe!
Am I even making sense?
…I think, there’s something I want to admit to you.
You are getting to see all of me, my secrets and my history in its rawest form- through my cinematic record, so, shall I be honest with you?
…For once in my life?
I have always wanted you to care about me.
When I saw you, I wished that you would hug me tight... and tell me it’s alright, and to just…
comfort me.
But with the tangled mess our acquaintanceship is, my distrust for adults, and my unwillingness to just… let go and tell someone my grievances, attempting to avoid looking weaker than I already am, how was I ever supposed to tell you that? And if… by some miracle I had, how was I ever to embrace that?
I didn’t want you to feel obligated to do so, as per our contract either. I knew it was hopeless, as a demon could never truly feel such emotions, especially for a mere human being.
Or am I lying to myself? If I can read your expression correctly, you do have the look of pity, so in some capacity… does that mean you care?
Or are you like this with everyone?
Do you get drunk with sadness over every soul you consume?
I’m feeling sicker and sicker by the second.
I’m lightheaded.
I don’t know how to feel about you skimming through my memories, and discovering the person I was before I met you.
I thought I’d be horrified at my secrets being revealed but… I don’t seem to feel much of anything.
Is it because I’m dying, and I have more to worry about?
I see my own memories upside down- age five, in that town.
I really liked that place.
A different me, five years before I chose to make that fateful decision.
It’s taking a lot in me to try to smile but I’m doing it in what little way I can.
It’s all over now.
What else should I talk to myself about as I float away?
Oh!
Finnian, Mey-rin, Baldroy, Tanaka-San.
All of you! Please don’t cry either.
It may be sad to see me gone, and to stand before my gravestone with sterling silver roses in your hands while the sun shines bright and you reminisce of the days of old.
It’s all okay. You are free to live your lives now, free of the responsibilities of a servant.
In my will, there is a hefty sum for you all, as a form of gratitude for all that you lot have done for me.
Sticking with me through thick and thin with a devotion so strong it was at times too much to bear.
And If it so remains, the remnants of me will remember your smiling faces forever and ever.
You, Finnian, jumping on my bed to wake me, that tea sipping monster, the world’s worst cook to ever exist, and the clumsy yet charming lady. As frustrating you are, I just couldn’t find it in my heart to be angry with you no matter how many of my prized teacups you broke.
All of you have shaped my world for the better, and I couldn’t be thankful enough.
A short note to myself.
I need to find it in me to say something positive about myself before I go.
What… do I have that people admire?
…Maybe… my smile? People always say that they love my smile.
So, instead of seeing a headstone stare back at you, could you instead picture my smiling face? And could it linger on as a sweet memory?
My perseverance… is stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
My ability to love… maybe wasn’t as flawed as I thought it was.
There are those who I deeply care for, and those who I’d do anything to protect.
In such a twisted way, dear Sebastian Michaelis, you’ve given me the path I needed to find it in me to die loving myself.
…..
I’m seeing the events of last year now, and you and I as a dynamic duo.
The end is near.
I can admit to myself that I am scared.
Fearful of you.
How do you feel now that you know everything?
My expression is neutral, as if paused in time, but the tears that fall down my face are blurring my vision.
Is this the way my body is saying farewell to itself?
Or are these the tears I’ve been needing to get out for years?
When my cinematic record is completely pulled out, I won’t be able to process anymore memories; only being able to see and feel.
What more should I say?
Oh!
To Mom and Dad.
Where ever you are, I hope you won’t be mad at me. I love both of you, and I always will.
I do feel guilty; knowing you’ll never see me again.
I love you both, so, so much.
And to my brother. My other half.
I love you more than you’ll ever know. You were and will always be my best friend.
Although it was cut short, I cherish the time we did spend together, and no one will ever replace you in my heart.
If there is such a thing as a next life time, I wish for you to be healthy and happy, and to live your life to the fullest. Something you so deserved to do this time around.
You all gather around in my mind, at a table decked with the prettiest flowers and smile at me as if I’m the centerpiece.
I can feel my body getting lighter and lighter as the last rolls of my record uncoil.
….What should my last words be?
From my consciousness to yours, don’t think of my ending as a barrier, but an open door to explore a whole new world. I love each and every one of you and hope you succeed in whatever you do, and… goodbye.
The last piece of cinematic record was pulled from his chest.
Sebastian wrapped the memories up into a neat roll, and set it beside himself.
With a sigh, Sebastian got up from the altar he sat upon and took his time walking over to the boy who he now knew as Sirius.
Sebastian crouched on one knee to his level.
“I heard it all, young master.”
I beheld; his eyes widened in surprise.
“I believe the cinematic record is why I was able to hear you.”
“It was connected to you, and to me since I held it in my hands.”
“I do not wish to make this process anymore grueling than it already must be for you, but there is something I do want to tell you.”
Sebastian put his hands on Sirius’ shoulders to properly ground himself for what he was about to say.
“I do… care for you.”
“Instead of comforting you physically, I did other things I wasn’t obligated to, hoping to show you that I cared.”
“In a way that is hard for me to put into words, in my time being around you, you have introduced me to emotions I didn’t know I had. You said you don’t want to be pitied but don’t you know how you look to everyone else in this world?”
”Although I must say, back then, when we first made our pact, I didn’t care about you at all. When looking at you, all I could envision was this very moment in time… except in way that in no way compares to our current reality. I did not think I would be leaving our acquaintanceship on such a note…”
“The more I saw you cry, the more I saw you in distress, the more I felt this… all consuming negative emotion. I did want to console you, but I thought if I tried, I would be overstepping, and so I gave up on the idea.”
“I am… rather surprised you don’t hate me. I am going to be the reason you will die, after all. And I am even more appalled that you love yourself again… because of me. That is deeply… touching.”
Sebastian’s breathing picked up.
…What is this?
Ciel’s tears had long dissipated; the only thing hitting his face was cold air.
But it was warm tears that began to fall from Sebastian’s face.
“I…. Don’t know what’s happening…”
“But I want to… sniffle also say…”
“That I’m sorry for what you went through.”
Sniffle
“When I realized what was getting ready to happen, I closed my eyes on that part of your record…”
Sniffle
“And all other parts where you were put into less than ideal situations…”
Sniffle
”I can understand you a lot better now. You handled yourself well… all things considered…”
“I’m not sure… if given a second chance to live that you would take it…”
Sniffle
“But if the breaking of our bind without supper having taken place wouldn’t kill me, if you wished for it, I would give you another chance.”
The tears Sirius was sure he’d gotten all out returned to his eyes.
“I’m sorry that I pity you so.”
“I cannot take it upon myself to rip your soul to shreds.”
“You are not worthless, and you certainly have a right to be in this world.”
“I respect you, not because we parallel in some ways, but for one, because even for all of the time I’ve been alive, there is something that you, only having lived a handful of years, taught me.”
Sebastian took Sirius hands in his.
“While you see yourself to be cruel and heartless, you taught me how to love and care for another being.”
“On the occasions where I was able to see your kindness on full display, that glimpse was all I needed to enter a whole new way of thinking.”
“That there’s more to life than thoughtless murder and torture…”
“And after a time, it actually displeased me greatly to see my old traits rubbing off on you.”
…..
……..
“I think that’s all I can think of to say to you, so only if you still want to, you can hug me now.”
Sirius fell into Sebastian’s arms and they stayed like that for a good long while.
A hug both of them didn’t know they needed so badly.
They let go.
The inevitable was soon to take place.
Sirius stayed sat with his knees to his chest, and Sebastian just… stared at him.
To get a good look at him while he was still alive… still breathing.
He never felt bad about consuming a soul. Life went on like normal, and it was like it never even happened.
But Sebastian wasn’t so sure that would be the case this time around.
Still, time was passing.
Why drag this torture on for any longer than he had to?
With shaky hands, Sebastian put his hands on Sirius’ head.
His human form was washed away, revealing how he truly looked.
He knew this reminder of his devil form must’ve of looked frightening to Sirius.
Sebastian unraveled the piece of cloth tied around Sirius’ head, and his demonic forces retrieved Sirius soul from his body.
Seeing his body go limp, and the life in his eyes fade away was a sight Sebastian never wanted to see again.
Sebastian held Sirius’ soul with his hands taking extra care to be gentle.
He consumed his soul, and all of what Sirius was became apart of him.
Sebastian’s eyes glowed a deeper red.
Sirius body was cold.
Sebastian cried once more.
He’d always been so used to being called a monster, but he’d never felt like one,
Until now.
To flee from the feeling as much as possible, he took on his human appearance once again.
Sebastian lifted his body; holding him like he always did.
He left the remnants of the structure he was in, and cradled the boy’s body in his arms.
The wind blew; the bitter bite of the cold cruel.
He walked to the top of a nearby hill with slow steps.
He lay Sirius down, and began to dig with his hands a resting place for Sirius.
He’d worry himself with a proper headstone later.
Sebastian lowered Sirius into the ground gently.
“Farewell, Sirius Phantomhive. I’m pleased that in the end you understood your importance in this world.”