Chapter Text
It had been a while since Kaidan Alenko had been in his temporary rented apartment on the Citadel, having been sent out to Horizon, and he never could have envisioned what happened once he was there. He had been forewarned to be prepared for any eventuality, but he simply wasn't prepared for her. No training in the entire galaxy could prepare you for encountering your dead lover.
Kaidan walked over to the kitchen and opened the cupboards, rifling through them as he knew he had some liquor stashed somewhere. When David Anderson tracked him down in Vancouver and talked sense into him, he had sworn off alcohol, as he knew he was using it as a poor coping mechanism to get over Shepard's death.
Finding the bottle of whiskey, he pulled it out and snatched up a glass from the draining board by the sink. He'd left it there when he was called away for the meeting, where he was informed he was off on a very important assignment; the very meeting that sent him hurtling towards the colony of Horizon.
Sitting down at the small desk in the corner of the combined living area, Kaidan filled the glass to the brim and powered up the terminal.
A whole host of messages flooded his inbox, quiet pings filling the silence. Kaidan browsed them half-heartedly; a good portion of them were spam messages, and one or two looked important. There were two from a Doctor he had been in communication with; his friend had introduced them, and Kaidan really liked the guy, so much so that they'd exchanged details and even talked about having drinks. A date, even.
However, with Faith Shepard's reappearance after being missing for two years, the notion of going out for drinks made his head spin. How could he give the handsome doctor his undivided attention with thoughts of the brunette circling in his head like sharks drawn to a drop of blood?
Taking a tiny sip, Kaidan cleared the messages as there was nothing urgent, nothing of note that required his immediate attention.
Taking a deep breath, he looked around the small living area and tried to fathom how he had spent months hiding in a similar place from everyone when he believed Shepard to be dead. The space was small and had no natural light. He wondered what Shepard had been doing for the past two years while he mourned her.
She had said she was clinically dead and that Cerberus had spent two years fighting to bring her back.
His eyebrows knitted together as he thought back to how she had looked back on Horizon. There had been tiny cracks of red all over her face and skin, and the smallest flecks of red in seeping into her beautiful blue eyes. Kaidan reached for the bottle and poured another drink as he tried to banish the wounded look in her eyes when he declined her invitation to go with them.
Kaidan took a small sip this time and slammed the glass down. His eyes burned with fury as he glared up at the screen of his terminal.
“Compose a new message,” he barked.
A soft bleep indicated it was open, and he watched the small cursor blinking, ready for whatever thoughts would come out of his mouth.
*****
Shepard…
What the Hell??
You were clinically dead? Technically dead? What is that even supposed to mean?
I have so many questions and I can't…I just don't understand how you can be so god damned nonchalant about everything?
I mean…Cerberus? Did you forget what they did on Akuze? What they did to you and your team?!
Why are you working for them?! Why didn’t you try to contact me? I heard rumours, but I dismissed them because I thought…
I guess I thought you would have reached out to me. Or did nothing we shared mean anything to you?
****
Kaidan scrubbed his face and realised that maybe his words were a little too harsh. He groaned and knew that confronting Shepard in this manner would definitely mean she wouldn't even finish the letter. For someone with her reputation, he had learned that she despised confrontation.
Turning around, he rubbed the back of his neck before exhaling quickly and ordering a new message to be opened. His first draft, saved automatically before being shifted into a file where all his other unsent correspondence remained rotting away.
Folding his arms, he looked back at the screen. His lips parted…
****
Shepard…
I honestly thought we had buried you. I mourned your death, I almost drowned in the grief, and for a time, I just stopped completely. I thought I was healing, Anderson convinced me that moving on wasn’t forgetting you, and I tried so hard not to forget. How could I?
All I ever wanted was to have you back. I spent so many nights dreaming that Alchera was just some nightmare I would wake up from.
And now it’s a reality. You’re alive, and you’re breathing, and you’re here, and yet somehow…
Somehow, it’s worse, and it hurts far more than losing you ever did.
****
Kaidan groaned as he closed his eyes, realising how pathetic those words sounded. He looked at what he had dictated and then ordered for yet another one to be opened up, as there was no way in Hell he could ever send Shepard something like this. Not that she’d ever want to hear from him again after the way he had treated her.
****
Shepard.
Do you ever think about the night before Ilos or shore leave? Those few weeks we spent together, just forgetting the rest of the galaxy even existed?
The nights we spent just talking, laughing and learning about one another. I never told you, but despite their simplicity, those days were among the happiest I’ve ever had. I fell in love with you then, I never said anything as I didn’t want to…I dunno…scare you away.
But I did, and I told myself that there would be time to tell you. I convinced myself there would be time.
Then you…
****
With each word, Kaidan grew more and more frustrated; with himself and his inability to just be a man and say what he really thought. Finishing off the last bit of whiskey, he opened his omnitool to find the nearest bar so he could go drink and forget, as tonight, tonight, he needed to just take the edge off everything.
Standing up quickly, Kaidan snagged his jacket as he left his apartment in search of more booze; to find another way to forget.
The letter remained on the screen until morning.