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Leaving Barcelona was never going to be easy. Keira had arrived at the club with immediate regrets, but by the end of her stay, she was in tears at the prospect of leaving people who had quickly become her family. People who had welcomed her, loved her in a way no one had before.
She despised change. Sure, she had even more support and love this time around, and the logical part of her brain knew a return to the UK had been imminent; but her heart couldn’t bare being taken from Ona. The last few weeks had been torture; she cried until she couldn’t anymore. Every night. While her mama was there to hold her, and then when she wasn’t.
Chelsea terrified her. Sure, Lucy was there, but mama wasn’t. Her sisters and friends, who she loved and spent every moment with, weren’t. What if she hadn’t told them she loved them enough? What if Ona wasn’t being honest when she said being apart wouldn’t change them? The anxiety debilitated her. She could hardly even bring herself to FaceTime Ona the night before her first training session, and she always wanted to speak to her mama.
That first morning, Kei wakes early, the tight squeeze of Luce’s arms wrapped around her. Despite that, she is cold and shivery, nauseous even. Definitely nauseous.
Lucy had done everything Ona had suggested to make the next day easier. The cutest PJs, a warm bath before bed, a colouring page each, Ona even stayed on FaceTime while her girl fell asleep against Luce’s chest. It all helped, of course it did. But nothing lessened the agonising heartache shared by both Keira and Ona alike. A hard price to pay for the love they shared.
Ona hid her tears, but her girls were well aware of just how wrecked their mama was. Lucy didn’t like to think about it too much, the fact that her favourite people were hurting so immensely and she couldn’t do anything about it. She had experienced many heartaches, separations, and labours of love in her lifetime, but it never got easier. Especially not now. Not with these two.
Keira turns out of Lucy’s grip, clutching her teddy that had been quietly abandoned in the night in favour of snuggling her sister instead. She feels her emotions well up very suddenly and uncontrollably, her chest so tight it feels like it might be collapsing inwards.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” Lucy asks, no reprieve from her worries. She turns Keira over and clasps her face gently, assessing her expression. Kei gives a small shrug away from Lucy’s hands. “Little bit.” She murmurs, and turns around again.
Lucy observes Kei with sad eyes, beginning to rub her back.
“We’ll be happy again, you know.”
Keira says nothing, but Lucy knows it to be true. Deep down at least. On the surface, her mind is already running in hundreds of directions of anxiety and worries, and it’s only half past six in the morning.
Luce leans in, nuzzling her nose against the back of Kei’s neck, even giving it a gentle bite, making her sister squeal and curl up into a tighter balll. Lucy giggles, replacing it with a kiss.
“I’ll make us something to eat, then we’ll get going, yeah? Tell me if there’s anything I can do to make it better.”
Keira nods passively. She didn’t like to reject comfort, especially not from people she loved dearly, but her body spoke before she did.
Lucy leans over to press a kiss to her cheek before bolting out of bed towards the kitchen. Kei’s legs extend towards the warm sheets where Lucy was a few moments ago, and she is hit with sour memories of how she’d do the same thing when Ona went to the bathroom at night. Always needing the quiet reminder of her mama’s warmth, that she’d be back soon.
Keira hadn’t felt such a deep, gut-wrenching pain in a long time.
Getting Kei into her kit a little while later is a task and a half. As they get ready, Lucy talks her ear off, walking circles around her when she’s not helping Kei with something, instead attempting to make the bed among other menial tasks.
“Stop it!” Kei protests eventually, frustrated with Lucy’s constant movement, stamping her foot, making Luce stop her mindless chatter in its tracks.
“Sorry.” Lucy murmurs, her face stricken as she realises she has probably gone too far and let her worries manifest outwardly.
“Mama just- she’s really worried. I’m worried too. I’m really worried about you both.” Lucy approaches her slowly, her heart hammering as she watches Keira slowly break down at the mention of Ona.
“I need mama.” Keira sobs into her hands, struggling to catch her breath, to which Lucy quickly wraps her up in a tight embrace, pulling her hands away from her face and letting Kei’s tears soak her own hoodie instead.
Lucy once again feels endlessly, pitifully helpless. She stares off into the distance, wracking her brain for solutions as she rubs Keira’s back. She finds none.
“I know Kei-Kei.” She says with a tender sweetness. “But I’ve got you now and I’ve got you today. Not gonna let anyone hurt you. One step at a time, yeah? You’re a brave girl for mama, for me, you always make us proud.” Lucy rocks her slightly, the pressure helping ease some of the tightness in Kei’s chest.
“I know we’ll eat at training but I’ll make us a cheat meal tonight. I’ve got lots of sweeties in my cupboard. We can cuddle up, watch some TV or make some bracelets, and call mama. I’m not gonna let you go kitten.” Lucy feels her sister’s fears clouding the room’s energy, and she hates it. She loves Keira, more than she’ll ever know. She hates even more that she can’t do anything about how awful that first day at training will inevitably be.
“Don’t want new friends.” Keira mumbles sadly against the fabric after composing her breathing, refusing to lift her head. Lucy sighs. She loves making new friends, but nothing will compare to her family at Barca. She also remembers the nauseating feeling of being away from her mama and sisters for the first time, and how horribly that wrecked her for weeks. She couldn’t be herself, no matter how hard she tried. She masked every want, every emotion, leading to complete burnout at the end of each day. She wouldn’t let that happen to Keira.
“One step at a time. You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. I’ll take care you.” Lucy consoles, wiping Keira’s tears, feeling her own throat tighten when she thinks too much about how horribly she misses Ona.
—
In the car, Lucy outstretches her hand to hold Keira’s for the length of the drive.
“I love you.” Lucy says, after a period of music filled silence.
Kei hesitates. She is looking out of the window with that woefully distant, somber look, that says nothing of what she’s thinking.
“I love you too Luce.” She answers in a small voice. Saying the words without mama around is hard, but meaning them is easy. She just can’t think too much about happy, fluffy thoughts for now. She opens her phone with her shaky free hand, rereading her texts from mama.
Hi my most precious girl, good luck today at training. I’m so proud of you, you’re going to do just fine. I pinky, pinky promise. I love you so much!
I am so sad to be apart today. But you wouldn’t be my angel if I didn’t let you fly, so I must do that. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay if today, or this week, or this month isn’t easy. Mama will always be there for you at the end of it. Just promise me you won’t hide anything from me or your sisters, okay?
“W-what if they make me do…initiation?”
“No.” Lucy says sternly and quickly, shutting the fear down as quickly as Keira confessed it.
“Never ever. I’m stronger than all of them, I don’t care what happens to me, but no one is going near you and they’ll regret it if they do. I mean it Kei.” And Keira believes it.
—
Training is hard. So many people, so many voices, Lucy can only watch on as the emotional overwhelm builds inside of Kei. She masks, she focuses on the game, but her discomfort is palpable.
And Luce, well, Luce doesn’t leave her side. And it drives pup just a bit mad that she can’t focus on anything but her sister. She feels trapped, in a way, not a concern more pressing than whether Kei was managing or not. The others notice, of course they do.
“Lucy,” Jojo stops Lucy after lunch as she leaves the bathroom.
“What’s up?” Her tone is gentle, her hand softly grazing Lucy’s arm. Lucy’s lips part but no words form.
“You’re so worried about Keira, aren’t you.” Jojo says quietly, letting them have their moment of privacy. Lucy shifts her weight between her feet, looking behind Jojo instead of at her.
“Yeah. Really worried. I just…don’t know how to help.” Luce admits. Even now, she worries one of the other girls are pestering Kei, or worse, she is somewhere on her own.
Jojo, ever empathetic, pauses before continuing, noticing the tense look in Luce’s eyes. “I’m sorry Lucy. I honestly…didn’t realise how hard this would be for her…or you both.”
Lucy purses her lips and nods. “It’s hard.”
Johanna sighs contemplatively and rubs Lucy’s arm more certainly, sensing just how tense she is.
“How special is that you’re both so loved, hm? Keira will find her place here, I don’t doubt it. But for now, you’re doing a great job. Just be gentle to yourself. We can’t have you getting in too much of a state because of this.” Jojo says with gentle but firm concern, and Lucy glances around a bit, before nodding. Usually her and Jojo were so playful. This was something newer for them.
“Thanks Jojo.” Lucy says with a half-hearted smile, and they pull each other into a hug. Usually their hugs are quick, but this time, Lucy needs it.
—
Luce watches the way the girls bicker and murmur to each other in spare moments about Kei. How unlike herself she is, how sad she looks, how differently she is treating them. Kei is never mean when she is upset, well, unless provoked, but her withdrawn nature is evident. She doesn’t let it affect her performance too much, but Lucy sees how slowly but surely, she is breaking down.
Lucy wants to break down too. She knows deep down how much Ona is struggling. She knows her mama is sensitive, like them, and her girls are her everything. They give her purpose, fulfillment, they remind her to love herself as much as they love her. Luce knows her mama struggles sometimes, when she is alone or without the sweet voices of people who love her. She hates that she isn’t there to protect Ona from those dangerous, horrid thoughts. Ona couldn’t be more perfect in her eyes, and she had so many reasons to admire her. Just how deeply she loved was one of them.
—
The moment they step in the car, Kei bursts into tears, hardly stopping for most of the journey. Luce’s focus is tested when her own eyes get misty and her hands get shakier. A few silent tears get quickly wiped up by her sleeve.
Suddenly, her apartment is the last place they both want to be. At least, she thinks, they are together for this. Even if the sadness seems to drive a slight tension between them.
Not even Narla can put a true smile on Kei’s face, their sweet doggie always sensitive to the emotions of her owners.
“Go lay down,” Lucy instructs, kneeling down to take Kei’s shoes off for her. They had already changed out of their kit after training, Luce knowing Kei would want to be in comfy clothes as soon as possible.
“Will you come sit with me?” Kei says sadly, her voice smaller and more hesitant than it has been all day. Lucy notices her dropping, and prepares for a difficult evening.
“Of course I will.” Luce says certainly, cupping Kei’s face and kissing her forehead thoughtfully. The sound of Narla’s paws padding along behind Kei as they go towards the couch comforts Luce just a bit.
Lucy stands, solitary in the kitchen for a moment. There is nothing she can do. That phrase repeats in her mind like a dagger to her heart. What will happen in the weeks going forward? What if this is just all too much…and Ona…or Kei…decides they can’t do this anymore?
She sends Ona a frantic text.
I love you so so much mama, I want you here more than anything.
The replying bubble pops up immediately.
How is Kei doing, baby? You’ve done such a good job at taking care of her. Not long before I’ll come see you both. Love you too puppy girl.
Lucy answers truthfully.
So sad, mama. I’ve been giving her hugs and I’m gonna take care of her tonight but she misses you lots. She didn’t talk to anyone properly today, but she was nice and did good at the training itself.
Ona answers.
Call in 10 minutes?
Yes please mama
Setting down her phone, she feels her lip begin to quiver, but before it can, she rushes out of the kitchen with their water bottles and some biscuits in hand, the sudden movement helping redirect her thoughts. Kei is on the couch, that spacey, melancholic look in her eyes as Narla rests comfortably on her chest. Their dog was good at that; knowing when her presence was needed, either as a calm or more lively distraction. Kei’s fingers absentmindedly stroke her fur.
“Mama’s gonna call in 10 minutes, is that okay?” Lucy asks, and Kei, avoiding eye-contact, nods hesitantly. Lucy sits down on the other end of the sofa, Kei’s feet on her lap, but her sister quickly flips her positioning so she’s laying on Lucy’s lap instead. Narla settles in front of her, and Kei finally closes her eyes.
Lucy puts on an episode of their favourite sitcom, one perpetually on loop in Ona’s apartment, not thinking too much about it as she strokes Kei’s hair. Despite the safe and quiet space, she begins to worry about just how horrible her sister might have found today. She hasn’t spoken much, but Luce knows that’s hard to do when she’s feeling small and vulnerable. Luce herself worries about an impending burnout from all this…worry. The last thing she wants is for Kei to see her in that headspace, when everything just comes crashing down.
And then there was Ona. How worried she must be. The thought of her amazing, sweet mama, withdrawn, isolated, and crumbling from her sadness. Luce’s heart can’t bare the thought. She would do anything, anything to be there for her.
After a few minutes, Luce notices the settled pace of her sister’s breathing. Finally, she seems to be resting. Maybe the faint buzz of the TV helps to drown out any other thoughts, maybe she is just so exhausted from the day.
As promised, Ona FaceTimes them. Lucy grabs her laptop from the coffee table and encourages a sleepy Kei to sit up. If it weren’t for it being their mama, Kei would have definitely thrown a fit. Instead she just leans against Lucy with a grouchy expression, blanket pulled up to her chin.
“Hola mi chicas, mis bebés,” Ona says, smiling fondly as she adjusts her camera.
“Hi,” Lucy says and Keira murmurs in unison, her eyes wide as she takes Ona in. Lucy’s arm is around Kei, squeezing her shoulder gently.
“You got through it.” Ona says, looking at Keira for the most part.
“Suppose so.” The blonde sighs, leaning her head against Lucy.
“Tired?” Ona asks with a faint smile. Keira nods, rubbing her eyes before sitting up properly.
“My sweet girls…I miss you so much. It wasn’t easy today but…we did it, right?” Ona doesn’t sound as certain as she usually does. Lucy immediately notices the pain in her eyes, the probable lack of sleep. It shatters her. Lucy nods.
“Tell me about today, Kei. Tell me how you’re feeling my angel.”
It takes Kei a moment to compose her thoughts. “It was…difficult. I didn’t like the way people looked at me, like I was doing something wrong for being sad. I couldn’t help it. I…it didn’t feel right at all. Being there. Even with Luce. I wanted to go home.” She says, and Luce rubs her arm in consolation. Ona’s look is one of deep concern.
“I’m so, so proud of you for getting through it. There wasn’t a moment today where I wasn’t thinking about you both. My sweet princess, the bravest I’ve ever known.” Ona coos, though it lacks the usual happy affliction she has when talking to little Keira.
“I miss you mama.” Keira says, and her apathetic expression crumples into devastation. Lucy hugs her tightly as she cries, and Ona cries too. Lucy sees the way she has to duck out of view of the camera to wipe her eyes.
“I miss you too. I promise I’ll be there soon. It won’t feel like this for long.” Ona says as she wipes her nose, the guilt of feeling so weak consuming her.
“I wish I could reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug and kiss. Both of you. Lucy…you’ve been such a good pup taking care of your sister. So so good. I can’t even put into words how proud I am of you.” Ona says and it’s Lucy who feels her emotions well up this time.
“I just want to make it all better.” She sniffles, holding Kei tightly.
“I know you do…” Ona says sadly. “I know you do.”
—
They stay on call for most of the evening, even while Luce cooks them some dinner and Kei gets a bit more chatty about her day, the things she noticed about the others, the people she dislikes and the ones she…can just about handle. Ona gets a laugh out of her girl’s persistent brutal honesty, and that laugh is just enough to keep them both going for the rest of the evening. Even when they have to say goodbye, because Ona is heading to bed, Kei keeps babbling about everything and nothing at all until Ona kindly tells her to calm down.
“Chatting with mama always makes you feel better.” Luce says afterwards, noticing the way Kei’s face dropped practically immediately, recoiling into a bout of uncertainty.
“I want mama here.” She says in a little voice.
“She will be soon. Let’s go have a bath, it’ll make you feel better. You’re still sleepy.” Luce extends a hand for Keira to take to get off of the sofa.
“No.” Keira grumbles.
“It will.” Lucy answers.
“You don’t know everything about me.” Keira says petulantly.
Luce, instead, reaches down to her sides to tickle her, and Kei gets sent into a regretful fit of laughter that she can’t suppress even if she tries. “Think I do, kitten.”