Work Text:
"There is something that I want to tell all of you that I haven't told anyone before because I didn't want you to see, to think about it. But now I feel I need to be sure it won't change us after all this fight. That we together won't change. I need to get it off to get off my doubts and anxieties. Because I can't let Vecna exploit them. Exploit what I am. What I know I am. No one knows yet because one doesn't see it on the outside but inside I know, I am certain that it is so. That I am so. I am different, in a certain way.
In so many ways I am like you, I am just like you, and I like so much what you like, what we like together. We are geeks and nerds. We like science and science-fiction. Tech and theories. We like hanging in Mike's basement, we like playing D&D, and reading comics and fantasy novels, Tolkien and DC, and watching movies, Star Wars and Ghostbusters and all that things, literally all the same things.
There is just one thing, I've seen you, I watched you growing to develop liking and I, I don't. I never reached where you are. I just— I just— I— I don't like girls. I mean, I do just— Just not like you guys do. I like you, El, and Max, and Robin, but I never liked a girl more than that. Not romantically, not for a relationship. Not girls, and uh, not boys for that matter.
That is rather, I like you, them, people, but not like-like, you know. I don't love girls. I don't love, I don't feel love. Not romantic love, not for anyone. I don't believe I ever will. I don't want to. I don't want to fall in love. And date. And kiss. And make out. And I'm fine with that. I'm happy being just me, I don't need a partner.
It doesn't bother me. Not anymore. There was a time where I wanted to. Wanted to try. To fit in and be the same. Be what we are told everyone feels like. I tried dancing with a girl on the Snow Ball. In California I tried, and the girls they wanted me to. There were some who flirted, who asked me to dates. But I. I just couldn't. It was so unattainable an idea to do when I just don't feel it. All while I missed you so much, my people who were just my friends but enough for me.
It was, it was tough, it was uncomfortable. So in the end I just had to. Accept that I won't. Come to terms with this. This lack. Or difference. And be fine with it. I really am. I'm not sad about it. And I don't want any of you being sad. Don't be sad that I won't experience anything of it. That I won't have what you have in your relationships. That is not what I worry about, my worries are not really about myself.
It is … society. It is the world. Its expectations. Society just pushes and pushes them onto everyone. Pushed against me. Just because I didn't take part. With every year I got older there was more. I was told to fall in love, have a crush, find someone, for dates, a ball, a future. That as an adult everyone, and I, should want to settle down with one partner, marry, build a family. — Which, no offense, Jon. — That these should be your goals. Your future. When all I want to be is to be an artist. Paint or draw. Create something. And to be still with all of you. I'm okay with myself. Okay with being on my own. But I don't want to be alone.
And that is just me, I see all of you and I am so happy for you. Please do not think I resent you having that. You feel love, and you deserve it. Mom and … Dad, my new Dad. You Jon and Nance, Mike and El, Lucas and Max, and everyone who is … searching, still looking, who might eventually find the right one. I am not resenting any of you having this. I am not wishing for you not to.
But then today Vecna showed me what would happen. He showed me a future. A possible future because I know Vecna can't see into the future. But he can see into our minds. And it felt so realistic. He knows how things go. That, that eventually you will leave. You will have your own houses as couples. You will have children, and then … you will have no time anymore. Friends will not go first. I'm not important anymore. I'm not in your lives anymore, when you have each other.
That is what he showed me. He said it will happen. That it might happen. That you will in your love will leave me behind. Leave me lonely. We just drift apart more and more and more and more and more until I'm alone and I know none of that has happened. But I know it might. It happened before. When you boys first had El, and Max, and Suzie. And I felt side-lined, neglected. When all I wanted to keep playing with my friends. But girls became more important to you than our friendship. And I know I can't really blame you for it. Or demand that I am your priority. I overdid it then, I know. I was stupid and dramatic.
We, me and you, we got over that phase. We got better at keeping our bonds. But I just need to know that it won't happen again. That after all of this, when we have deafeated Vecna, when we survive, we all survive, that we promise to stay friends and not lose sight of each other. That when after school there will be colleges and jobs, and for you partners and marriage and children, that you promise to still find time for me. Find time to meet. Because I still will want that. To call each other, get together at holidays and birthdays and all those days, and hang out at Mike's and just play again. And I'm going to call you so much it will annoy you to death, if you don't.
I want to believe in that future. Where I'm not alone or left behind. Just without a partner. I need to know I can believe in this future. I need to know it now. Before what follows next. Before we go into that last battle. Before we fight one last time. I want us to fight with something to believe in. To look forward to. And that is, for me, our friendship. Our bond that is stronger than everything Vecna can show me. That will always stay strong.
Vecna believes himself above humans, above emotions and love. Yet the same time that this lack of mine, of romantic love, makes me weak because it would make me alone, leave me lonely. But I won't ever be alone if I have my love for family and friends. If I have my family and friends. Believing in that, in you, makes me strong. Confident. Hopeful. And we all really need some hope against this monster."