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The phone rings in Kel's ears, but he makes no effort to click the green button to answer the call. Stuffed into his pocket, he keeps walking.
The wind picks up and it leaves Kel shivering. Reckless and careless as usual, he rushed to the outside with only a hoodie while rain poured heavily throughtout the city. Hero would say something like, "You're going to catch a cold!" but he couldn't give a shit. The rain in his face mixes with his tears as he sniffles, head aching and his legs refusing to work properly. He's definitely not walking straight anymore.
What would Hero think of him in this moment? A dumbass and an idiot for even thinking about doing such a thing?
What would Aubrey think? Basil? Sunny? Mari?
Mari must know exactly how he's feeling.
Kel lets out a small whimper. He hates crying, so much that he usually forces himself out of it, but nothing can stop him in the moment. It's too much pain for one person to handle, no human can or should be able to feel like this. Not even his body is able to manage, falling on his knees and right into a puddle.
Sitting there, it takes him a good three minutes to even consider getting up. Cars pass by, the traffic light not too far away turning red to green, the sounds of the rain hitting his clothes and the ground feel muffled until the loud noise of a car honking somewhat brings his senses back. His vision comes back into focus.
Breathe. Just breathe. He tells himself, chest tight. It was as if somebody was giving him a really tight hug. That would be nice, but in reality there was no arms wrapped around him. The comforting warmth of another person was something left behind in his childhood and it would be forever forgotten, no matter how bad he wants it. That's how growing up worked. At least that was the case for Kel's now lonely life.
Swallowing thickly, then taking another shaky exhale, he forces his weak body up.
The rest feels like a blur. The freezing cold isn't a bother anymore and nothing else is on his mind except for the fact he needs to get there.
The squeaky and heavy door is pushed open. Kel sighs, walking forward. It was mostly his impulses practically begging him to get on a rooftop of all places, but at least it was a little more peaceful. It was nice except for the fact that clothes stuck to his skin uncomfortably and it was still pouring pretty hard. Removing his orange hoodie and tossing it to the ground without care, he retrives his phone and it lights up. Several notifications from Hero but Kel turns his phone off before he could read the text messages. Kel had already made his… decision. He can't let the guilt stop him. Nothing will stop him anymore. He's an adult. He has freedom to do whatever he wants.
Staring down, he was forced to squint from all the bright lights. There was a club pretty close by. Kel had no interest into meeting new people or whatever people did at clubs. Somehow, he doesn't really know what people did there, but maybe it was for the better. Aubrey didn't like them either. And Aubrey was pretty smart. Sometimes.
There was a flower shop too. Obviously it was closed at this time—it was.. late. Kel never stays up past 10PM. But Kel recalls buying flowers for Basil as a birthday gift. He won't forget how bright Basil's face had lit up, because he wasn't even expecting anything from anybody at all. He can't help but smile fondly at the memory.
Without much thought, Kel steps closer to the edge.
The other day he visited Sunny. He seemed a lot better, not as pale, not as skinny, smiling more, which Kel wants to feel happy about, but he doesn't. And that same day he spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. He still doesn't have an answer to that. What's wrong with his brain?
And then that night Hero asked him what was wrong. Kel said it was nothing, because he had no idea what could've been wrong.
And then days passed. Weeks passed. Kel didn't want to smile anymore.
It was like a flick of a switch inside his head. Or maybe he just didn't notice it himself until recently. Everything was dull and nothing could fill the void inside his chest. It terrified him. It was like something was eating him alive and he had no cure for it. He'd just die like this with no explanation.
"Hero, what would you do if I died? Like, got hit by a car or something."
"I… I don't know. Why are you asking me this?"
Kel laughed at the memory. It was a stupid question. A logical part of him said obviously Hero would care, but that heavy feeling in his heart said otherwise… What has he been except be a burden? He's been constantly relying on him since their parents kind of kicked Kel out the moment he got a stable job. Only kind of, because they didn't really tell him, but it was clear they wanted him out. Does his parents even love him?
One step closer to the edge.
It's a long way down. Kel smiled. Would he finally be free of the pain that has been endlessly swallowing him up for years?
Has it been years? He doesn't know how long he's been feeling like this except for the fact it's felt like forever.
Many unpleasant memories flood back to him. Things he wish he could permanantly delete from his brain, but unfortuantely he wasn't a computer. One that especially keeps replaying in his head was one of the many nights where he stayed up late to do stupid things half asleep.
It was an ordinary night. Nothing had happened.
But his eyes laid on a blade left out in the bathroom. Hero must've just forgotten to throw it away or something, but it brought an urge and curiosity too strong to ignore.
Red roses were painted all over his arms. Kel thought it was kind of pretty. That must be weird to think, though. This was a bad thing. It definitely hurt, the blade was pretty dull, So why did Kel feel so relieved to do it?
And there was more of them.
And more.
That night he passed out in the bathroom out of exhaustion and Hero had to find him like that.
What a horrible little brother he was.
"I just…" He whispers, trying to take in as much air as he can.
Just what?
His vision is blurred by the tears and they eventually stream down his already red cheeks. It hurts to cry because his body is already exhausted from trying to walk all the way here. Has he eaten anything? Has he even drinken anything? Maybe he would've if it weren't that Orange Joe suddenly tasted bland. Hero offered it to him this morning to get a boost of energy, but for some reason he refused it. And it stayed on the kitchen counter for a long time.
Hero is really too nice to him. Nobody has ever been as patient or as kind as Hero has been to Kel, and it only makes Kel feel worse and confused. Why would anybody want to bother helping somebody like him?
He misses Hero already. A part of him wants to go back home and give Hero a big hug and go to bed, but his mind is already making up more excuses to stay here and do what he was supposed to do. Kel doesn't deserve a hug. Hero doesn't deserve to waste his time comforting Kel just because he's some stupid idiot that feels sad. Everybody feels sad, so he just has to suck it up.
A whine turns into something more like a wail. His throat hurts and it only hurts more from screaming. It hurts, everything hurts. Sharp pains and throbs throughout his body as his knees buckle. He might just fall at this point. Why can't he just take one more step forward?
"I hate.." He breathes out, lip quivering. "I hate everything…" His voice comes out strained and painful.
Just do it, Kel.
Take that step forward.
Kel takes a step back.
He falls down on his butt, scrambling to find his phone. He can't read any of the letters on the screen and his fingers struggle to tap on the right buttons.
Finally, he presses the call button.
The phone rings once… twice…
"H…Hero?" He mumbles, feeling like a little kid to be coming back to Hero crying.
"I'm sorry… I'm really sorry." He continues, sniffling over and over as he tries his best to stay quiet listening to Hero. Kel listens to him carefully, suddenly being able to breathe a little better and turning on his location for him as instructed.
"Okay. I'm… I'll wait."
Hero stays on the phone with Kel the entire time. This must be the quietest Kel has ever been in front of anybody.
Kel hopes he'll be able to give Hero a big hug and go home… and be okay.