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JJ slumped over the counter with a groan and shielded her eyes with her arms. It happened like this every morning. No matter how many times she was ripped from her sleep for a case across the country, she never woke easy. She always stumbled down to the kitchen with half-lidded eyes and started the coffee machine immediately. Clad in whatever form of pajamas she was able to pull on the night before, she waited [im]patiently for the caffeine to be ready. Emily wasn’t much better. She just preferred to be dressed while she downed her morning coffee. It had been a routine that Y/n had found hilarious when she’d joined the relationship. She’d been in the kitchen rooting around their cabinets for something for breakfast when JJ had all but run her over in her bumbling. Since then she’d mastered the art of skillfully maneuvering around JJ and getting both women to at least put some food on their stomachs.
“Can I have an omelet today?” JJ called from her bar stool. The words were muffled but audible and Y/n hummed in affirmation pulling the eggs out of the fridge. Her day started around the same time as both women but she had a bit of an easier start than chasing serial killers. Wrangling 6 year-olds was tough, but nothing she couldn’t handle.
The coffee machine went off and not long after Emily appeared carrying a pair of boots in one hand and a wrist watch in the other. She tossed the shoes by the door with little grace and slid in next to Y/n with a soft smile and a grin. “Good morning, love. Do you mind?”
Y/n smiled pulling her wrist to her lips to place a chaste kiss before fastening the watch in Emily’s preferred place. “Want an omelet or you gonna stick to toast today?”
“I can go for an omelet if you’re already making them.” Emily agreed as she pulled two mugs from the cupboard and filled them to the brim with coffee. She wafted the extra mug toward JJ jokingly and the blonde grabbed at it with a scowl and headed back to the bedroom to get dressed.
They moved through the kitchen seamlessly and before long all parties were dressed, fed, and ready for the day. Emily stood at the calendar pinned in the hallway and scowled as she slipped into her shoes. She turned pointedly on Y/n in question. “You have another doctor’s appointment today? For what?”
Y/n let her eyes scan the calendar, “Oh yeah, I went in to get an updated physical for the school year and they asked me to come back to finish up. Nothing major.” Both of the older women hummed in understanding.
“Well keep us updated, yeah? We should be home tonight, as long as nothing crazy happens. If your days gonna be packed, we can just grab something on the way in tonight.” Emily suggested, as she watched both JJ and Y/n file out of the door.
“Sounds good, later gators.” Y/n grinned giving both women chaste kisses before heading for her own car in the drive. JJ was at her side almost instantly, door opening and a hand on Y/n’s waist. “In a while crocodile.”
Okay so maybe it wasn’t just a routine exam. But— It was probably nothing. Statistically speaking, most lumps were nothing. And what was the use in worrying her partners for nothing?
At Y/n’s initial appointment, everything had gone as it usually did, until the nurse practitioner paused on her right breast with a furrowed brow. She’d asked if she felt anything in that spot before. Y/n had said no and even joked about calling her partner to ask for a more accurate response. “She’d know better than me.”
It’d been so light— funny even. The nurse suggested some additional imaging and measurements to get a clearer understanding of what she was feeling. And decided on screening mammograms to be extra sure.
But a week later, probably nothing was starting to feel like definitely something. In theory she could explain the screening mammogram away. Women got them everyday. They were a precaution more than anything. A routine when there was something new or different. The nurses didn’t seem concerned about it during the process. They moved through the building from room to room with easy smiles and light shoulders. And even while she waited for next steps, nothing felt wrong. But then she had another one. And there were more tests and needles. More poking and prodding, in places no one but her partners should be allowed to touch. And then came the medical jargon whispered over her head. The furrowed brows. Everything felt wrong. And that feeling only intensified when her doctor pulled her into an office she’d never been in for what was proving to be a very serious conversation. The room had obviously been designed to placate and soothe— a dated and intricate blue and green wallpaper, a plethora of pillows and blankets, and even a zen garden.
“Ms. Y/Ln, thank you for coming in today. I hope it wasn’t too uncomfortable for you. Those ladies a very thorough when it comes to this stuff.” Her smiled had thinned considerably and almost resembled a grimace now.
Y/n tried (and surely failed) to quell away any anxiety she was feeling, “It wasn’t my favorite way to spend my morning. But I’m sure, I’ll survive.” It might’ve been her imagination but the doctor’s smile seemed to strain even further. She rolled her shoulders back with a sigh and folded her hands. Down to business.
“Well I’m glad it wasn’t too bad for you. I asked you in today just to give you a bit more insight to what’s been going on. As you know, during your initial appointment, the girls found a small lump that they wanted to take a closer look at.”
Y/n nodded, ”Yeah, they did the whole— it’s nothing to worry about now, lumps don’t automatically mean cancer— thing.”
A chuckle bubbled from the doctor and her shoulders loosened a bit, “Exactly. I won’t make you sit through that again— but I do want to reiterate that many lumps turn out to be benign. Right now we don’t know exactly what it is but that’s why we did the biopsy today. We’ve collected what we need to determine whether our next chat will be about treatment options or our usual monitor and reassurance. Now the results on the work we did today, usually take a few days to a week to get back. But when we get them— whether good or bad, you can expect a call from me.”
Thus began the waiting. Y/n left the office with a seed of fear wedged between her teeth. Deep enough that she could feel it, far enough that she couldn’t reach it. Just an ever-present hum of anxiety. And she couldn’t bring herself to hide it very well. Somehow she made it home, started making herself lunch— only to stop halfway to WebMD every form of cancer and the life expectancy. After an hour of torturing herself with those results, she’d lost her appetite and found a house full of things to start and stop. Anything to keep her from losing her mind.
The bullpen looked normal, agents breezing past desks with files like always. But something had been bothering Emily all day. Everything looked normal, but felt ridiculous. Almost like she woke up on the worst side of the bed to ever exist. She had the team chasing leads on some local cases, no one upstairs had been shooting her passive aggressive emails, and Garcia hadn’t burst in with a pressing case across the country either. So it had to be something else, causing the pounding behind her eyes. She’d just started trying to massage the ache away when her office door opened and shut.
“What is going on today?” JJ grumbled slumping in the chair across from the desk.
Emily sighed, “So it’s not just me then? I just can’t seemed to put my finger on it, but something’s up.”
JJ tilted her head to look through the blinds at the bullpen and everyone in it, “and it seems like we’re the only ones feeling it.” There was a brief pause as JJ assess Emily’s state. “Have you heard from Y/n today? I haven’t really had time to check my phone but I figured she would’ve let you know something.”
“No, I haven’t heard anything…” Emily said, slowing her hands before pulling her phone from the pocket of her blazer. The screen had loads of notifications but none from Y/n. “Huh…that’s odd.”
“And probably the reason we’ve been the biggest grumps on the face of the Earth.” JJ sighed. “Well if anyone asks, we’ll blame it on that.”
Emily chuckled, “I’m sure she’s fine but I’m gonna shoot her a message just to check.”
It was dark when Emily parked the car in the driveway. Every light in the house was on, the dryer was going off, the tv was paused on an episode of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, a half made sandwich and all of the ingredients were scattered across the kitchen, and Y/n was nowhere in sight.
“Maybe she’s not fine…” Emily mumbled as they took in the state of the house. Emily carried the takeaway into the kitchen and set about cleaning up what she could, while JJ took to ferreting their partner out.
JJ took the stairs two at a time and followed the trail of discarded clothing to the bathroom. “Baby…” She whispered, stepping through the cracked door. The tub was drawn and Y/n was wedged against the wall with a rag over her eyes and a glass of wine filled to the brim next to her head. She didn’t stir at JJ’s voice, but hummed absently in response. JJ kneeled next to the tub curiously and ran a hand over her shoulder. An avid bath taker— this wasn’t that unusual for the younger woman but those baths were always luxury driven. Bubbles spilling over, candles lit, and music playing. There were no candles, no music. And if there’d been bubbles they’d long since evaporated. “How long you been in here?”
Y/n shrugged and leaned into JJ’s touch, “Sometime after I started the laundry and before I started dinner.”
“Don’t worry about dinner— we brought it home.” JJ’s concern only grew when she felt the temperature of the water. “Honey, this waters freezing now. How bout we get you out and go eat something with Em?” JJ didn’t wait for an answer and pulled the drain and grabbing the nearest towel.
“Yeah, that’s fine. We need to have a talk anyway.” Y/n agreed, allowing JJ to maneuver her body from the tub.
“I need you both to just listen right now. Just let me get this out.” Y/n started quietly, pulling her legs into her chest. JJ, ever the physical soother, plopped on the couch next to the younger woman searching for any open pocket of skin. Emily, sensing the shift, decided to lean against the arm chair closest to them.
“I didn’t say anything this morning because until a couple of hours ago, I didn’t think this was going to be a thing I needed to be worried about. But at my last appointment, they found an abnormal lump in my breast. I had a small biopsy this morning and they’re sending it out to see if it’s…” Y/n paused, closing her eyes to her fate.
“Cancer?” Emily asked, voice waffling between panic and confusion. At the mention of the word, JJ’s hands stilled momentarily, eyes widening. Fear clearly taking root in her blue eyes.
The word had been sitting on her tongue all afternoon. She’d typed it a million times into the search bar, started a bunch of video essays about it, and watched it bang around her brain all day. But she couldn’t say it. Not out loud. That made it too real, made it possible. And the only reason she hadn’t fully collapsed so far, was because this wasn’t a sure thing. Nothing was certain until the results came back. But she knew her girlfriends, they’d need some kind of confirmation. They’d need to sit with the fear she’d been drowning in all day. They needed to know it was a possibility.
So she nodded. Never said the word, but confirmed the possibility. “Yeah, results should be back in the next couple of days. I’ll get a call regardless. Good news or bad news.”
That night was different. No optimistic monologues, no fated doomscrolling, no tears. Just companionable silence. Silent comfort for everyone. JJ needed physical comfort, so she’d been attached to Y/n’s hip for the whole night. Pulling the younger woman into her lap while the tv buzzed. Pinkies linked as they moved around the kitchen. Sitting on the bathroom counter while Y/n brushed her teeth. She needed to be close, present, there in case anything happened.
Emily almost withdrew completely. Y/n knew not to take offense, this was something Emily couldn’t fight off. She couldn’t arrest cancer. Couldn’t call someone to make this go away. This was reality, and she needed to think through the other things she wouldn’t be able to stop. What if it came back positive? What if she needed surgery? What if she needed chemotherapy? What if she lost her hair? What if she lost her life…the ‘what-ifs’ consumed her.
No one sleeps that night. Or any night going forward. Y/n’s phone ringer is permanently on. And despite knowing the hours of operation for the doctors, everyone’s on alert for the slightest ring. They took turns working from home for the rest of the week. Both having decided that at least one of them should be there if a call came through.
When JJ stayed, she hardly did any work. Y/n spent what little motivation she had on planning for the upcoming school year in the home office. And JJ spent her time trying to distract her. Kisses down her neck, foot massages, anything to keep Y/n’s eyes on her. When Emily stayed it was all work. Kind of bordered on over-working. Any work Y/n didn’t get done with JJ the day before, she got done with Emily. They may have had different means of execution but they both had the same goal. Distraction.
But distraction only lasted so long. And one morning the phone did ring. It was just like any morning. JJ grumbling at the counter about her breakfast choices. Y/n latching Emily’s watch. It was starting to feel okay. But the ringing was there and whatever doctor was on the other end was waiting to define the new normal.
As Y/n answered the phone, both Emily and JJ were by her side. JJ’s fingers laced in Y/n’s. Emily’s hip flush with Y/n’s as she pulled the calendar down from the wall and searched for a pen. They were here in their own ways, ready for whatever the future held. And no matter what the doctor said, Y/n knew she was never going to do this alone.