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The weight hanging over the group was the heaviest she’d ever felt.
No one spoke as the doorway they came in through led them straight back into the heart of the circus. There wasn’t anything that anyone could say that would make what just happened any less painful.
Ragatha stared at the ground, the lines around both her eyes etched deep into her stitching. Distress coursed through her digital body, an ironic reminder that everything they felt in here was real. Zooble hadn’t been wrong. The good. The bad. All of it was real. Despite what Caine just pulled—and the subsequent chaos he created in it’s wake—that much remained to be true. She couldn’t accept anything else.
The ragdoll tried to swallow the lump in her throat and looked up to gauge the status of everyone else. Kinger looked more lost than ever. Neither Zooble or Gangle could even look at each other, much less comfort the other. Pomni looked limp, gazing off into the distance as if hoping maybe Abel might pop up again to tell them it was all part of the plan and now he was going to show them the real way out. And Jax. . .
Ragatha blinked.
Where was Jax?
Alarmed, she whipped her head around, searching for a sign of the purple rabbit but he was no where to be found. Just as she started to really panic she caught a flash of a long leg disappear behind the wall leading to their rooms. Her breath hitched as her brain processed what she was seeing. When it clicked what he was doing, Ragatha felt her mittens curl into fists.
He was running.
Again.
Her feet moved without a second thought, giving chase. No one turned or tried to stop her. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to do when she caught up to him. Kinger talked of giving space to those who needed it, but right now? Space was the last thing she wanted to give.
Jax never cared when he was the one messing with other people’s emotions. Pushing everyone away after Ribbit’s abstraction, the constant bullying of Gangle, befriending Pomni out of spite only to turn his back when she got too close.
Stealing intimate moments with her one minute and ignoring her the next. It was almost too much to bear.
He always ran away. Well, she wasn’t going to let him this time. Not after the fiasco they’d just been through.
When she rounded the corner and saw him making a bee line for his door, she felt a renewed sense of urgency climb up her throat.
“Jax!”
She was loud and breathless and firm. She’d never heard such force come out of her own mouth before. A part of her wondered if it caught his attention too as he slowed to a stop. He didn’t turn around, but the tension in the air was palpable just the same. He was radiating a cloud of agitation that warned anyone nearby to keep away.
Ragatha halted just outside the perceived line, knowing that if she crossed it there would be no chance of conversation. If there was any shot at getting the answers she wanted, she had to play by his rules. She at least had to try.
“What was that?”
He didn’t move or acknowledge he’d heard her at all. Despair started to circle her resolve, as she had a feeling she knew where this was going. So typical of him, even now after such a huge emotional drain to play it off like it was nothing.
It made her so mad she could spit.
“What was what?”
His voice was even and lifeless, giving nothing away. She was familiar with that tone. She’d heard it many times before, especially when he was trying to ignore the swirl of emotions not only inside himself, but also the ones rippling through the rest of the group as well.
“Don’t play dumb,” she continued, her determination propelling her forward. “You. . .you pressed the red button. You pressed the button to keep us all trapped here Jax! Why. . .why would you do that?”
He remained steadfast, but Ragatha could feel that invisible bubble getting bigger and stronger. She resisted the urge to rush over and make him look her in the eyes. It would do her no good. She considered it a miracle he was even still standing there.
When he deigned to reply, he did so by half turning around so that she could only see the side of his face.
“Ha! We just had the bomb of the century dropped on us and THAT’S what you’re worried about? Boy Dollface, you really need to get your priorities straight.”
Still camouflaging. He could try to hide it as much as he wanted, but Ragatha knew better. She took a breath in holding it for a few seconds before letting it out. From this moment on, there was no going back. Not for them, and not for anyone else trapped here.
“I saw what happened. I saw your face, Jax. I’m not the only one either, everyone else saw it too. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” she said as calm as she could manage.
He scoffed and finally turned to face her. Now she could see the full effects the latest events were having on him. He may be smiling through the turmoil, but it was written all over the code his body was made of. The purple rabbit was stressed.
“Pretend what exactly? Did you miss the part where Caine has had control of our minds this whole time, or is there only fluff under that licorice hair of yours? What makes you think I meant to press the red button?!”
“Were you? Being controlled?”
His pupils shrank and his eyebrows came together in confusion. She threw that question at him with no hesitation, as if she hadn’t even heard his insult. He was NOT expecting that. He opened his mouth but no words came out, only a frustrated grunt.
She didn’t wait for him to catch up.
“Were you being controlled when you threw me in a deep fryer? Were you being controlled when you shot me in the face?”
His mouth is was nearly nonexistent while the rest of his expression remained unchanged. Ragatha left the unsaid part of Kaufmo and Ribbit hanging between them, knowing just saying their names would be an unwise move. Instead she decided to go straight to the center of her malcontent. She didn’t know if she was ever going to get another opportunity like this again, and she’d be a fool not to address it.
She dipped her head down so that her bangs cast a shadow across her cheeks.
“Were you being controlled when you kissed me?”
Normally this would be the point where he started to laugh whatever this was off, maybe by rolling his eyes and throwing something sarcastic over his shoulder as he turned tail (literally). Normally, however, they didn’t just have one of the worst plot twists of all time dropped on their heads like one of Caine’s useless gift baskets.
And most importantly, normally he wouldn’t be still be dealing with the after effects of almost abstracting, even if he couldn’t bring himself to admit that’s what it was just yet. His sanity was hanging by a thread, and while she had no way of knowing his tolerance for any sort of push back was in the negatives, she was about to get exactly what she asked for—a reaction.
“God you just don’t know when to give up do you?”
Ragatha’s non-button eye darted up. He sounded tired but his face was troubled, like he was being pulled in two different directions and didn’t know which way to go. He held the side of his head as if he were in pain. He looked so. . .vulnerable. It activated the deep seated need inside her to offer comfort when seeing another person in crisis. She’d learned long ago that Jax didn’t respond well to comfort. Or at least, not to hers.
But things felt different this time. He seemed so out of sorts, maybe if she extended a hand he would actually take it out of pure survival instinct.
It was wishful thinking, but without Kinger’s sage guidance, it was all she could think of to do.
“Jax, I’m just trying to understand what happened. Help me understand.”
His gaze snapped to hers, his pupils the size of pinpricks. She barely had time to register she’d made the wrong choice before he suddenly started to advance on her. Ragatha sputtered, grasping for something to say but was cut off by Jax seizing her by the shoulders.
“You people are unbelievable. What more do you want from me? You want my whole tragic backstory is that it?”
He brought his face so close to hers that if he had a nose, it would be touching her triangle shaped one. For a split second, the ragdoll swore she saw his eyes flicker into an unmistakable swirly pattern of neon colors. Any anger she had left instantly disappeared. This was no longer what she thought it was. This was so much worse.
“You’re still trying to fix me aren’t you? Still trying to pick me apart? That worked out so well for you the first time around. Pomni tried the same thing and look how that went.”
His grip tightened, making Ragatha’s mouth line frown in discomfort.
“Did she tell you what happened? Huh? Did she tell you all the nasty things I said to her? Bet you guys had a good laugh over it.”
His eyes started to squiggle as his usual smile twisted into a sneer. His voice wobbled ever so slightly as he went on.
“You’re great friends now aren’t you? Isn’t that what you wanted? Why are you coming to me when you got what you wanted?!”
She shook her head, fighting a whimper as her eyebrows knitted together in deep concern.
“No it’s not like that-”
“%$@!#-it Ragatha! You said it yourself. You said I was corrupting her. You said you hated me! Am I wrong?”
A ball of poisonous dread was pulsing in her chest now. How did she explain the well of complicated feelings she had for him? How did she explain that when she also said she wished someone would flirt with her, she was talking about him?
The simple answer was that she couldn’t, and she could hear his voice in her own head taunting her for it. Who’s the coward now, Dollface?
“That’s not. . .I-I didn’t mean. . .” She struggled to find something to say that would correct the never ending cycle of misunderstandings between them. Jax, however, had no intention of letting her.
“There you go again with that fake niceness of yours.”
“Jax, please.”
“You DID mean it, Ragatha.”
“Jax you’re hurting me!”
“Just own it!”
“STOP IT!”
Her outburst startled them both out of their back and forth. His eyes stopped squiggling as his expression slipped into one of desolation, his grip loosening with it. She no longer saw the cocky jackass he constantly portrayed himself as. All she saw in front of her was a profoundly broken man unable to keep the mask on his face any longer.
His hands fell from her shoulders as he hung his head, his ears nearly touching her hair.
“I can’t do this right now.”
He sounded so low and defeated. So, so unlike himself. It broke Ragatha’s heart.
“Please just. . .get away from me.”
She didn’t press this time. They were both too fragile and exhausted to keep up the fight. She let him turn away and plod the rest of the way to his room. The door opened and shut with a soft click, and not the slam that she expected. She wished he had slammed the door. It would have a been a welcome reaction that she could deal with.
Ragatha followed his footsteps to stand in front his picture, the caricature smiling down at her as if nothing had just happened. She reached out toward the door but stopped just short of touching it, wanting desperately to connect with the man behind it more than ever. She wondered if this would be the last time she ever saw him before. . .
She flinched, erasing that thought immediately. No, that wasn’t going to happen. They had so much left to do first. They had to figure this complicated mess between them out before either of them called it quits. They had to.
“Ragatha?”
Pomni’s somber voice passed down the hallway like a lifeline. Who knew how long she had been standing there and how much she had heard. It didn't really matter at this point.
“Are you ok?”
She felt like laughing hysterically, the way Jax had after the reveal that everything had been a lie. It seemed like such a ridiculous question to ask now, but also such a human one too. And that’s what they all were in the end. For better or worse, they were still human.
She turned to the jester with sadness in her eyes. For the first time in maybe her entire life, Ragatha answered the question honestly.
“No, Pomni. I’m not ok.”