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Im writing this cuz rn I dont have anyone to vent to and i just have to get it off my shoulders. This is not purposed for reading but if you want to idc enjoy ig
Why do i feel like the whole world is colapsing on me and i cant breathe. Theres an unavoidable crushing preasure in my chest that i cant get out no matter what. Why cant i be normal? Why cant i be happy? Instead im stuck with a fucked up mind and life. I need just one person to care just one person. Yea my parent and my therapist do but thats not enough. I know i sound greedy and i hate myself for it. I hate myself so fucking much.
Thats why i cut. Thats why i slice up my skin with a dirty blade until blood oozes from the fresh wounds. Thats why i hide the cuts inder long sleves and bandages. Thats why tried to kill myself. And again. I tried to kill myself two times because i cant fucking stand myself. How could anyone love me. How could anyone want to spend time with me. How can anyone stand me?
And yet i feel alone. I feel so incredibly alone. In school, in my friendgroup i feel alone. Lonely. My so called friends cant even wait for me after school to go home together. They probably all hate me. The feeling is gnawing at my lungs, stomach. I cant properly breathe because of it. When will this all stop?
Yes i go to a therapist and yes i have antidepressives but it doesnt work very well. Why do i have to suffer every day. You dont even know how hard it is to get out of bed every morning. What did i do. What did i do to deserve this. I hate my life. Every day feels the same, they just repeat over and over with this crushing weigh. I jsut wanna end it allready. Just fall asleep and never wake up. Just jump of a building and break all my bones on the ground. Just slit my wrist and watch the crimson blood pour out while laughing histericaly. How can deat be wose than this suffering? Death is just a beginning of something new. Its the most natural and the only garanted thing in our life.
I just wanna be the same as before. I wanna be able to feel happines. I want my mom to get out of the hospital and be healthy again. I want her to be happy and I wanna be happy. Is that too much to ask for? Am i really that bad of a person that i dont deserve to be happy?
Everything happens for a reason, but whats the reason behind that i feel the need to cut myself to feel at least a bit okay? And dot get me even started on the "go kys" and "wrist check" jokes in school. Like what would yuu do if i actually commited suicide? I bet you never had a shower sting or never had to wear long sleeves even though it was hot outside. You dont know what im going through and how much i struggle. And then scold me over vaping and drinking energy drinks. How else am I supposed to feel at least a bit good?? Nothing else workes. Believe me I tried. Everything. This is the only way I know of that can make this shithole at least a bit better.
Im totaally lost. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to tell my therapist. I might just as well kill myself at least i wouldnt be a burden to anyone anymore and no one would have to pretend that they want to be friends with me.