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Izaya Orihara did not find himself interesting. It wasn’t that he thought he was particularly boring, but he couldn't make objective observations when he was the one behind the wheel. There were no unexpected reactions when it came to himself. That wasn’t all, though. He’d never admit it, but introspection brought discomfort he found unnecessary and would much rather ignore. If it were up to Izaya, he’d be some sort of earthbound spirit, capable of interference but existing in a different realm. By staying outside of it all, he was able to remain impartial.
Izaya’s feelings towards Shinra were different than those towards anyone else. Of course they were. Shinra was his only friend, and even that was only because he had been so persistent in breaking down Izaya’s walls. Shinra was the only person Izaya didn’t view as a lab rat in a maze. Sometimes, Izaya even thought that it was Shinra who viewed him as a test subject, not the other way around.
The beginning of high school brought unwanted emotions that Izaya was forced to reckon with. Shinra had introduced him to his friend, Shizuo. From the moment they met, Izaya hated him. It didn’t make any sense. Izaya prided himself on being unbiased no matter the circumstance, so why was he feeling this tightness in his chest? Shizuo must be something besides human. That must be it. His brutishness is something downright animalistic. That’s why Izaya's heart would race and his hands would get sweaty whenever he heard about Shinra helping Shizuo with his math homework. It’s a simple autonomic response to hearing about that beast. Even so, that didn’t explain everything.
A few months into the school year, Izaya and Shinra partnered up for a history assignment. While working on it one day after school, Shinra rambled on about his crush. Izaya was greatly irritated.
“Can you focus?”
“It’s not like you to take school so seriously, Orihara-kun. Besides, Yamamoto-sensei is an easy grader. We’ll probably get an A as long as we turn anything in at all.”
“It’s not that, I’d just rather talk about the Edo period than your imaginary girlfriend.”
Izaya felt his stomach churn. It was that same feeling he got whenever Shinra talked about how mythic Shizuo was.
Oh. So that’s what this is. Jealousy.
Izaya told himself it meant nothing. Jealousy is a normal emotion. Shinra is his friend. It’s only natural to feel irritated when your only friend is hanging out with the one person you hate most in the world. It’s only natural to feel sick and lightheaded when your friend is constantly going on and on about their “beloved.”
The longer he thought about it, the more it bothered him. It wasn’t as if he had any baseline to compare it to, but something seemed off. Izaya didn’t like to look inward, but even he could tell that his feelings towards Shinra might not be totally platonic.
It didn’t help that around this time, it seemed all of his classmates were getting into relationships. It wasn't that he was dying for a girlfriend, it was the opposite. He didn’t look at the girls in class any differently than the boys, and that struck him as unusual. In fact, the only person he viewed differently was Shinra.
No matter how many times he tried to reassure himself, he kept coming to the same conclusion. He was gay and, even worse, had feelings for Shinra Kishitani.
Izaya himself took no issue with homosexuality. At the end of the day, it was just another presentation of the human condition. That being said, he also understood that being perceived as queer would be like painting a target on his back. It was an inconvenience.
Izaya knew he wasn’t a romantic. Even if he was gay, it’s not like he’s the type to get so infatuated he’d overhaul his entire life. He wasn’t looking for love, so what was the harm of acting straight? He knew he was attractive. He knew he could be charming. He could get any girl he wanted, so he decided to play their game.
Unfortunately, dating girls just made the truth he had been avoiding painfully clear. He was gay. Izaya knew what he was doing was deplorable—leading girls on until they’d inevitably break up with him for his apathy—but why would he stop? It served him in more ways than one.
Izaya began to cultivate a reputation as a player and ended up in a relationship with a sharp, driven girl named Mizuki. Izaya found her interesting, and Mizuki wanted the challenge of dating the infamous Izaya Orihara. He’d brag to Shinra about what a great “opportunity” dating her was.
“You’re with the most popular girl in our year and you’re focused on how she’ll be a fascinating specimen to observe?”
“Would you rather I be smitten as a kitten?”
“I’m just saying, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you come off like you’re not into girls.”
“Forgive me for not letting a single person dictate my every emotion. Not everybody is like you.”
“Ooh, sounds like I struck a nerve.”
He sure is perceptive. Although it’s not like what I said is false exactly, Izaya thought to himself.
Even though Izaya was clearly irritated by the comment, Shinra didn’t push any further. Unfortunately, this conversation had already dampened Izaya’s mood for the rest of the day.
During lunch period that day, Mizuki came up behind him and pulled him into a tight hug. Izaya pulled away and turned around to face her, surrounded by her group of friends.
“Izaya-kun! The cherry blossoms are in bloom. Do you want to go see them with me?”
“Easy there, Mizuki-chan. Don’t you know I have a very busy schedule?”
He was humiliating her in front of her friends. It wasn’t the first time he had brushed her off like this, and she decided it would be the last.
“If you don’t know if you recall, because it seems you don’t pay much attention to me, but I’m at the top of our class. I’m just as busy as you, if not more, but the difference is I care about this relationship.”
She paused.
“Do you even care about this relationship?”
Izaya didn’t answer. His carefree expression remained unchanged, like he was daring her to do her worst.
That was it. Mizuki splashed her drink in his face. “What is your problem? Are you even into girls?”
Izaya clenched his jaw, stunned by the gesture. Mizuki stormed off, her friends trailing behind her. He stood there for a few moments before shaking his head and smiling. Perhaps he should have expected this.
Later, Shinra found Izaya on the school rooftop, looking over the courtyard. All things considered, he didn’t seem too bothered.
“I heard about your breakup. Hope you didn’t come up here because you were planning to jump.”
Izaya laughed. “Guess Mizuki-chan wasn’t too fond of my ‘hands-off’ approach.”
“Although you sort of had it coming. I just don’t get why you date girls at all if you don’t like them.”
Izaya narrowed his eyes before meeting Shinra’s gaze.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
Shinra paused, carefully deciding what to say next.
“You know I don’t care, right?”
There was no point in pretending. Izaya turned his head away and smiled.
“Yeah. I know.”