Chapter Text
Mok stared at the scrawl on the paper list, squinting like it could help to decipter what they were. His job definition indeed took much difference after Khun Thee met the love of his life, because why else was Mok here, in this supermarket picking ingredients with Peach to make his sister a celebration cake for her recent promotion.
We will go to 'Bluma' tomorrow night and I don't accept the answer no. Even the world cannot know about your family and mine being one, the celebration must be done! said to Peach by Thee, gazing into afar where they were talking at the company's rooftop, after Peach told they were going to celebrate at home with couple of friends. One of the top restaurant 'Bluma' famous for its A-lister customers of course never would be Peach's or Plub's pick in a million years.
"I'm so sorry Mok. I wanted to suprise Plub with this after last nights dinner, just us. This was our tradition we'd do in every little achievement while we were growing up. I told him I'd do it alone but—"
The overexplaining voice interrupted him from thoughts. Mok looked at him, smiling.
"Don't worry, it's fine Khun Peach. I think we both know there is no use to refuse anything in this matter. Ever," He said.
"You're right unfortunately." Peach shook his head laughing.
"So shall we?"
They shared the ingredient list between them to be quicker. Peach left towards the decoration isle while Mok started walking couple of rows to get the eggs. The next is…chocolate, he said to himself. I guess this job isn't that bad. At least he was in somewhere cool rather than being outside on this scorching hot afternoon unlike last week, following couple steps behind Thee and Peach for a new location scouting for the latest perfume photoshoot, holding a thick umbrella above their heads.
There wasn't any decription to which brand of chocolates he was supposed to buy on the worn out paper list. He glanced the shelf before thinking to call Peach, and at the same time his phone vibrated on his pocket. Mok, suprised how fast Peach was done with the list rushed to answered the call.
But it wasn't Peach.
It wasn't Thee also. It wasn't even one of his co-bodyguard friends.
He stared at the blinding white letter of 'R' on the screen. It was Rome.
Rome, he let out a whisper.
What? Why all of a sudden?
He remembered the memory of their last talk. There they were, at the entrance of the Lee mansion day after Rome's birthday. The weather was so nice and warm like it was mocking them, accompanying their worst day.
Rome left saying he'd come back for Mok when he was free to love. No calls and no messages after that, left in complete silence not knowing what Rome said to him that day was still true or not. After years later it should be but Mok was never secured with the certainty of their love. At their love being a materialized touch and words that could be heard by anyone one day; rather than being something to hide, to be ashamed, more precisely. And that hurt.
"Rome?" He answered, unsure.
"Mok."
Mok waited for the man to continue but the steady breaths of the person in line was the only sign that someone was still there.
"How are you?" Rome said finally.
"Good."
The acceptable answer.
Mok was good, but being good wasn't the same as being happy, was it? He noticed how he sounded. Too cold. No, maybe not cold but calculated. It was always like this for Mok though. The longer the distance between them got and the longer time spent apart, the more unfamiliar he got. Not less love or yearning for Rome, but less sure of how to show his sincereness in this complicated situation.
"You?" He asked back in a higher voice.
"Trying on that." Rome forced himself to laugh. Or it sounded like that to Mok.
Rome is also not being fully himself with me right now. The sudden call, his short questions, and the nervous laughter made him uneasy somehow. Rome would only act this way if there was something to hide from him.
In an instance he got the feeling that Rome was in danger or something bad happened to him. This was always a possibility in this job, or maybe more than a possibility but a must in their lifetime.
He tried to suppress the wave of fear coming to the surface but it was no use. What if there were people after him now actively or worse he was already hurt? What if he was so hurt to the degree that the last thing to do was to call him and bid farewell—
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Mok was surprised by his own tone, agitated, almost seconds away from a verge of tears.
"What? No no! I'm not!"
Mok exhaled, his fingers relaxed the hard grip of the shopping basket. He could hear the suprised tone of Rome's voice which relieved him. You love catastrophasing way too much for your own being Mok it's not good, I'm afraid you're even worse than mom, he'd say if he was here with the shake of his head suppressing an impish smile.
"I'm not! I just wanted to say…" The voice got weaker finishing the sentence, exhaling one big breath.
"I missed you so much Mok."
Ah. The effect was at insant. He grabbed the rack in front of him with force, steading himself and causing a couple chocolate bars to fell onto floor. How was he able to do this with a single sentence, everytime? His words ached the wound in him, ready to rip the scab formed in the absence of Rome since the day of their goodbye. He wanted to bleed into the longing, till it killed him so it couldn't hurt him anymore. But Rome was always so careful with how deep and small he cut so that Mok could stay alive to feel the sting every excruciating day.
"Me too." Mok said in a whisper.
It didn't matter how cold his words to him couple of seconds ago because Mok was always ready to give in to Rome, even if he made a promise to not hurt himself like this anymore.
"I wish I could be with you right now."
"Me too."
Mok felt like a broken record but he was unable form a longer sentence than his two words of agreement to Rome's wishes. He pulled himself together and put the things he dropped back on the shelves.
"You don't know how many times I tried to stop myself from reaching you because what good would it do anyway?"
Mok kept silent and nodded like Rome could see him and understand. He was afraid of his own words, and what it would make Rome do next.
"I know what my promise means, and I also know you do too. But sometimes I just want to—"
Rome stopped. Sometimes he wants to—what?
Sometimes I want to break the promise and run to you, even if I'm still not allowed to love. Even if it means to go against my duty and all my family, let them abandon me. I don't need anyone else to witness my every living day besides you.
This was all Mok wished, even being too afraid to confess himself. How could he want something that could hurt so many people, just because he was happened to fell in love with him. Betraying the family that saved him from hell's kitchen his childhood home was.
What a selfish wish Mok, you disgust me, he'd scold himself everytime.
"Mok, do you ever think of another life we aren't forbidden to love, hm? Where I could hold you however long I wanted in front of anyone. Kiss you whenever I want. Hold your hand while we walk back to our home after a long day of work taking the long route, talking, not caring about a single soul who'd want to hurt us."
Rome's words hang around the air before Mok smiled. His voice was a whisper that soothed him somehow. Maybe he should have been bothered by the implication, how their happy ending could only exist in another universe, but a free Rome who was not bound by any family duties and harsh rules, who could do whatever he pleased with his life could only bring a smile to his face and nothing else.
"I'm sure," Mok said after a while.
"Mok…"
"Hm?"
"I'll come to see you next week. No matter what, okay?"
Next week? Was next week any Arseni family anniversary? No? Then he remembered.
His birthday. Truly just another day for him. His birthdays weren't anything special, not to him at least. Thee would always ask what he wanted to do on his birthday couple days before, then he'd clear all schedules and make whatever Mok's wish was happen. Which was nothing much because every year he'd wish for a normal day. Normal day was just a day they could be free from their usual lives and act like they were their younger selves again. Not acting the boss and the bodyguard roles, but only being bestfriends.
"You shouldn't Rome. Khun Thee is busy working for the new launching, almost at the company till midnight next week. I'm not planning to take a leave. Also I'm sure your father will be in Bangkok on Thursday for closing a deal."
Silence. Mok knew Rome didn't make a plan about this yet, it was obvious from his childlike excitement and nervousness.
"Doesn't matter, I will! And it's absoulutely pointless to talk me out of this so don't even bother!"
Mok didn't answer him back.
"Don't worry about Thee's stuff, I'll handle that. He can count this on the things he owes me anyway. I'll double check my father and mothers schedules again but I don't think there is anything to worry. Really! You know what, I actually wanted to make it a surprise and thought…"
This is not gonna go well for him. Just an impulse in a moment of weakness. Mok wanted nothing more in this world than to be close to him, even for just a moment. But this was an uncalculated risk. He didn't know how to recover from it if all turned for the worst between Rome and his family, because of him.
"…but it's different if you have something on your mind! Whatever you want I'll bring it for you." Rome ended his talk.
Mok focused on his words again. He only wanted one thing. One impossible thing.
"You know what I want Rome." Mok said, more intense than he intended.
"But you can't give a present on someone's birthday then take it back. That's cruel."
He had to say it even if it hurt himself, even if it hurt the person he loved the most in life.
"I don't want to have another goodbye disguised as a reunion."
"Mok—"
"I'm sorry Rome. I can't."
Silence again. It was clear the message reached him.
"I understand. I just wanted to make you happy but I don't even know how to anymore. It's crushing me," Rome said.
"It's not your fault, please—"
"I know…I know it Mok but I'm the one who has to fix it."
There is nothing to fix, Rome. Why are you still caught up in our connection so deeply?
He could find someone, easy to be embraced by the family, no doubt. Specially if the person was loved by his mother quickly. Mok wanted to scream at him. Leave me alone and forget me, just look around! See how many would kill to be with you! It's not that hard to be happy Rome, trust me.
But he swallowed all his words, Mok could never lie to Rome like this. He wouldn't believe it anyway, worse it'd make him more unstable and frustrated.
Mok saw Peach wheeling the cart closer to him from the corner of his eye. He grabbed the shopping basket from the ground.
"I'm sorry but I need to go now..."
"Okay." A deep sigh from the other line.
"Take care, Rome."
"You too."
Mok's hand dropped to the side staring at the screen, unable look anywhere else beside the blinding light. This was the beginning of another half year of non communication between them, he was sure.
Call him back and say it was all a joke. Tell him he'd hide him in his own room if that would all it takes and not even a single soul would know. Just to have couple hours of temporary bliss till he has to leave back to his responsibilities. We could manage to do that right?
"Oh you got the eggs, here!" Peach gestured the shopping cart for Mok to put the ingredients.
Mok stared at his face, trying to make sense of his words.
But it's for Rome's own good. I'll never let him be in trouble because of me, never.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Mok looked up to Peach's now worried face. He must have been looking like a train wreck to receive this question. Mok straighten up trying to look normal.
"I'm fine." He said after clearing his throat.
"Are you sure? Was it a bad new?" Peach looked at Mok's hand, the phone was still in his hands, screen still lit up with his thumb faintly shaking one centimeter above it. Mok quickly shoved the phone back to his pocket and shook his head forcing himself to smile.
A bad new? Couldn't be better but I made it bad, then worse, he answered to Peach in his head. It was for the better, for both him and Rome. It should be.
"It's nothing, should we check out?"