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Fate can be cruel sometimes. She parades you in front of me just when I start to give up and forget.
“It’s not love. He’s too old.”
I recite it like a mantra, hoping that you would disappear from my thoughts and yet after our moments together, my heart would only beat faster.
“He just has a nice face.”
I say even as I think that there may still be someone hiding beneath— someone beautiful, someone warm and welcoming.
You.
"It doesn’t make any sense at all."
I'm pretty sure I'm not in love with you, but just seeing you pass by melts me inside out. I don't really know you all that well. I am very much aware of the fact that the only fuel driving me crazy are those fleeting moments meant to console me of my loss.
And yet, I can't help myself.
"It's all the wrong reasons."
I try to find holes in my feelings, these stupid emotions that only grow stronger.
But then, I realize the futility of my actions.
It isn't that I couldn't find the holes. It is just that I didn't mind them being there.
I like its imperfectness.
I like you.
"I have a crush on him... I think."
Ah, yes. It's probably that. I am infatuated with you and finally I have come to a conclusion. And it is that I do have a crush on this guy who is supposed to be 11 years older than me, a best friend to my brother and a beloved colleague to my father. There are too many complications, too many problems. He’s the leader of us, Paladins.
Fucking hell.
Everything is swirling in my head but admitting my feelings is an improvement, at the very least.
"Screw you, Fate!!"
But before I could actually get back at her for those antics she pulled, she one ups me again. She makes me see the cracks for what they are. I see you there but I am not there with you.
I probably won't ever be with you at all.
"I want to close them up."
But I'm scared. I've always been scared. I'm scared that these inexperienced hands might tear us further apart, might destroy everything we’ve had, everything we’ve built these past few years.
"Can I... Can I do this?"
I think and think and think some more but I already know the answer. I've always known the answer. I just didn't want to admit it.
"I want him to know."
I do. I always did. I've always wanted these feelings to reach you. That is my only wish. It'll probably break everything into pieces until all we can have are awkward conversations or even nothing at all.
And yet, I still want it.
“I like you.”
I confess that one starry night when we were stranded because the ship needed a little bit of tweaking, I want you to acknowledge them, to acknowledge my emotion... as true and genuine. Even as they are now, they still are something. Even as they are now, I hope they would still mean something to you.
That I would mean something to you.
"I know. And I’m sorry, Pidge."
I know what you are going to say.
I know that there is only rejection for me. But I hope that you'd still acknowledge me, acknowledge this feelings, acknowledge that they existed and that I love you.
And you did.
"Thank you for listening."
I really do thank you for putting these feelings at ease, for letting the flood of emotions in my heart to recede. Although, right now, I am a mess of tears and snot. It's still better than having my feeling clog it all throughout our missions, all throughout this lifetime. How many years have I kept this thing? Seven? Eight?
"In your shitty face, Fate!"
Now, I can say this without any problem. I’ll try not to get jumpy when you are around and I'll try not being confused and awkward when she tries to force us in the same space.
I'll try a hand at letting go, at moving to the future.
And carrying these emotions with me, I’ll take a step forward.