Work Text:
Everybody knew that it hurt to look directly into the sun.
And yet, Tsubomi Kido couldn’t help but do so every day.
Momo was gentle, bright, warm - just like that huge flare in the sky Kido loved to curse in summer. However, the longer Kido stared, the more she longed for that warmth. And the more she longed, the more it hurt, the more it burned. Being drawn to a person that triggered feelings similar to those she longed to forget, surely was an ironic turn of events. Almost as if Kido was some masochist of a sort, and if the girl wasn’t too busy being embarrassed by the thought, she’d most likely come to simply accept it.
The leader was aware it hasn’t always been this way.
Those feelings slowly, yet too quickly for her own liking, crept into her mind, taking over her whole body. It was hard to keep up the cool image she was so eager to construct, when every smile, every touch, every word made Kido lose control over her body, blushes sparked and fueled the longer a conversation went on.
Never would Kido have imagined when she found the idol in an alley, it’d change her life so much.
And yet, nothing changed at all.
Momo had made a place for herself within the Mekakushi Dan quickly, which wasn’t surprising seeing how she was a friendly, outgoing and bubbly girl whose presence brightened every room immediately. Kido knew it wasn’t thanks to her powers only, Momo simply had this within her and the leader could not help but feel amazed but envious as the same time.
It was dumb, she was aware, to compare herself to a person who was the complete opposite of her in too many ways to name them, though she found it wasn’t so bad after all. If only realization wouldn’t come with Kano’s teasing, Mary’s innocent but embarrassing remarks, and some other comments she’d rather forget for her own sake.
“It’s like, you guys have been made to complete each other!”, her brother Seto once said, an encouraging comment most people would say, but the more often Kido repeated it in her head, the more it dragged her down.
It was too good to be true.
Momo was way, way out of Kido’s reach.
At least, that’s what she constantly told herself, like a chant, whenever the butterflies in her stomach went wild. At one point Kido gave up on trying to ignore them, to write them off as some sort of awe and admiration, because no way in hell would she feel like that if platonic feelings were involved.
The movies she’s seen made her very much aware of what she was feeling.
Too bad reality wouldn’t work out like the movies did.
Why?
Because what would Momo even see in her? Besides being the leader and the person who got her into the dan, there wasn’t much going for her. Momo got along with Kido just like she did with everyone else, which she was not going to complain about, yet caused a problem in itself.
Was she to confess her feelings, Kido probably would just be one of many people. Unlike Momo’s fans she did know more about the idol, saw beyond the whole celebrity persona, probably saw a lot more in Momo than Kido herself and the person of interest could imagine and yet —
— yet, she always found a new excuse to run away, to swallow her pain because that’s what she always did. It was easier, after all. Just quietly endure. Hope it’ll pass without anybody noticing. Praying whenever she went to sleep that maybe, maybe the next morning she’d be able to look at Momo without her heart skipping a beat and her voice shaking so ever slightly whenever she replied to Momo calling out for her.
That never came to happen, though.
Every day spent with Momo let her feelings grow, as if they were a plant and Momo was the sunlight they needed for growth. Just that even if she tried to avoid the other, be without sunlight for a few days, they didn’t wither. Not at all.
Honestly, she was beyond salvation, a lost cause, and it made her upset. It was frustrating to be so hopelessly in love with a person so close and yet so far. It was frustrating to know Kido herself was the biggest obstacle in her way. But what if Momo rejected her, what if she didn’t return Kido’s feelings and the leader was prone to thinking a bit too much of every hug, every smile directed at her? She’d just die on the spot.
… no, that’d be too convenient. Instead, Kido would have to live with that, and no way would she be able to. She was scared, way too scared of the many ‘what ifs’, of losing someone precious again, of weirding not only Momo but the whole dan out, of just way too many things to count, and it tired her to think of it.
It was so tiring and everybody who wants to make you believe having a crush is a wonderful thing that comes with no downsides at all deserves a punch into the face.
Nobody ever talked about the downsides.
Nobody liked to bring one-sides crushes up to begin with.
Which … left Kido at a loss what to do. Or rather, without any other options than the two she know of.
Either tell Momo how she felt, or…
It was cowardly to take the 'easy’ yet horribly painful way out, swallowing her feelings. Trying to not look like the lovestruck fool she was was tough, which made her all the more thankful for her eye ability, allowing her to conceal herself whenever things got too bad. For once, this power came in handy, if only it wasn’t for such a reason…
If only it allowed her to make her feelings vanish, too.
Perhaps with better control Kido might be able to, but did she really want that?
Masochistic side speaking, this wasn’t too bad - it was still horrible, it hurt, it made her feel like a fool, but it was also … nice.
Conflicting.
If she had to put it into one word, that’d be it.
“Danchou? Is something the matter, you’ve spaced out for a little?”
That voice Kido could listen to for several hours straight pulled her back into reality; a reality she liked to escape from, if only the escape routes were more appealing than what she was currently facing.
“Hm? Oh, no, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Kisaragi.”
Really, when did she pick up that loathed lying habit of Kano’s up? When did she sink so low to always lie when Momo asked if she was alright. The younger one wasn’t dense, she probably knew something was up, but hid her worry behind a smile, and might have hoped that Kido would finally go for a different answer, whenever she said “Oh, okay, but tell me when something is up!”
“I’ll keep it in mind, thank you.”
It was always on her mind.
Yet all those words she wanted to say never left.