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He needed space.
Jake’s hands slightly trembled as he walked out of their hut, mind scrambled and feelings overbearing him.
“Ma Jake!” he heard Neytiri call behind him, but he kept walking.
He didn’t get far before Neytiri grabbed his arm and forced him to face her, “Jake, our son just told us he almost took his own life away because-”
“Because of me, I know Neytiri. You don’t need to repeat it to me, it was enough hearing it once,” Jake said, his voice mixed with anger and sadness.
Hey eyes soften a bit, “No Jake, he’s grieving, just like the rest of us. You are not at fault” she tried, though Jake softly shook her off.
“Didn’t you hear him? He hates me, always has…” Jake whispered.
Neytiri shook her head, “No, he hated the way you treated him Jake, not you. If he hated you, he would’ve given up on you long ago.”
“He just did. He said it loud and clear, “I don’t care for your approval anymore dad. Think what you want of me, I know what’s right and what’s wrong. If you don’t believe me or support it, I don’t care anymore”. He doesn’t care about-”
“It was the heat of the moment Jake, no one was thinking straight,” Neytir said, softly brushing her hand down his arm in comfort.
Jake sighed, “I never noticed…I knew I was being hard on him but this? To a point where he wanted to kill himself because I didn’t notice myself being biased towards one of our sons? Baby, we just lost our oldest son during a war fight and Lo’ak was gonna do it himself? How do you want me to react?”
“You can start by apologizing to him, Jake. If you truly regret this, you must start by opening up to him,” Neytir said calmly, though her eyes held an almost threatening stare.
Jake wanted to. He really did.
There was nothing Jake wanted to do more than run back into the hut and take his youngest son into his arms, tell him how much he loves him and say he never meant for all this to happen.
But something was holding him back.
And he didn’t know what.
He softly sighed and gave a small peck to Neytiri’s hand, “I’ll be back, I just need to think baby” he said before turning to walk towards the beach.
Neytiri didn’t follow him this time, but he could feel her eyes on him.
He reached the beach and sat close to the shoreline, enough for the water to softly reach his feet.
Jake closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
He listened to the waves, the small animals making noise around him, the people who were still out in the village preparing for bed.
He heard so much that for a moment, he swore he heard someone.
Someone he lost.
Someone he loved so deeply.
Someone who’s death will haunt him until his very own.
“Dad.”
Jake could hear it faintly, though he was scared to open his eyes, afraid that it was all just in his head.
“Sir..?”
Jake swallowed harshly.
No, it could be.
Could it?
“Dad, open your eyes.”
Jake’s hands trembled before ever so slightly opening his eyes.
His heart stopped.
His breath caught in his throat.
His eyes began to water.
He looked so real.
He looked at the faint blue body in front of him, eyes as big as ever.
They held love, concern, doubt.
And it scared Jake that this was all a dream.
A soft chuckle sung through his ears as he looked at the figure who spoke with a smile, ”You’re taking a lot longer to realize that I’m here than Lo’ak did. He just accepted it the moment he heard me” he laughed so quietly, it was almost a whisper.
Jake wanted to reach out, to feel if it was real.
He hesitated.
Yellow eyes creased into a bigger smile, “I’m not gonna bite dad, though trying to touch me won’t really work. I’m not exactly here but wow, you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to come see you and Lo’ak outside the spirit tree,” he chuckled.
With all the strength that he had left, Jake finally spoke, his voice slightly cracking,
“Neteyam…?” he asked quietly.
He smiled, “Yeah, it’s me, Sir.”
Jake felt like he was gonna faint, “H-How are you…”
“That doesn’t matter right now sir, I came for a reason,” Neteyam said softly.
“Why are you here then?” Jake asked worriedly
“Because of Lo’ak”.
Jake looked at him with slight confusion, “What do you mean son?”
Neteyam frowned, “He did tell you, right?”
Jake, ever so slow, frowned, “What?” he asked.
Neteyam sighed, “I swear I saw Lo’ak telling you all in the hut–”
“You talked to Lo’ak?” Jake interrupted him, voice wrapped in both shock and worry.
Neteyam nodded, “He was the first one I talked to in this form I’m in right now.”
Jake stared at his son's faint blue body before realizing, “You were there…when he tried to..?” he tried, though the words couldn’t finish such a sentence.
Neteyam’s eyes suddenly filled with seriousness and almost anger, “I was the one who saved him, dad.”
“How..?” Jake asked.
Neteyam walked closer to him, “I had to talk him out of it. Dad…you never realized how much you hurt him, did you?” he asked, almost disappointed.
Reality suddenly hit Jake, remembering why he was out here to begin with.
“Neteyam…I didn’t know-”
“Dad, I’m not the one you should be having this conversation with” Neteyam cut in. “I heard what you said to him. I felt it too”.
It was quiet for a moment before Jake whispered, “I didn’t mean–”
“You did. You meant it in that moment dad, and that’s not okay” Neteyam said, voice shifting from comfort to disappointment.
“I lost you” Jake tried, voice breaking.
“I know. So did he.”
“I was scared, I was angry. I didn’t know where or how to put it…”
“And you thought putting it on Lo’ak was gonna ‘solve anything. You thought it’d bring me back? That doing such a horrible thing to himself would fix the war we’re in right now?’” He quoted back to Jake the things he told Lo’ak back in the hut.
Jake felt the hit.
Felt the words.
They weren’t exactly filled with anger, but it wasn’t exactly understanding.
“Dad…Lo’ak didn’t make me go back for Spider.”
Jake's jaw clenched, “You went after him.”
Neteyam stepped closer, voice dropping, “I went after my brother and friend, the same way you’d go after us.”
Jake looked away and back to the sea.
“You taught us that,” Neteyam said. “That Sully’s stick together. Never leave anyone behind. Not in the forest. Not in the water. Not anywhere.”
“I told him to not cause trouble. To stay put–”
“You told him lots of things,” Neteyam said. His voice was calm but became firmer. “But you never really listened when he’d talk.”
It landed heavier than Neteyam intended, but he didn’t stop.
“Lo’ak isn’t reckless, he’s observant. He sees patterns. Notices things early, yet you don’t trust him. He’s empathetic and feels things to his heart. He fights for what he believes in, just like you taught us.”
Jake frowned, “He disobeyed orders.”
“I get we’re at war, still are, but do you even see us as sons? Are we just soldiers in your eyes that you expect us to follow every single order without question?” Neteyam said firmly, no room for argument. “He questions them because he wants to understand and help you because he admires you, not because he wants to defy you.”
Jake shook his head, “Of course not. You’re my son, I love you but you’d always follow orders.”
“I did, but that doesn’t mean I agreed to them all. As the oldest, I was born with the burden to carry all of our problems. Sometimes, I didn’t agree with your orders but for the sake of us all, I followed them even if I felt uncomfortable,” He admits. “Lo’ak? He doesn’t just follow you, he also follows his heart. That’s what makes him so great dad, he has heart and mind. He admires you so much, but when he’s faced with the decision of choosing between you and what he believes in, he’ll always choose his heart because deep down, he knows he’s right. You, and even me unfortunately, thought Payakan wasn’t safe. Reckless. A danger to everyone but Lo’ak knew it wasn’t true and ran to help him and thanks to Payakan, he managed to help me get Tsireya, Tuk, and Lo’ak back. He helped me save them. And then he saved you. Now imagine the betrayal Lo’ak felt when you didn’t stand up for him during the council meeting?” Neteyam says, speaking his mind for what felt like the first time.
“Me stepping in wouldn’t have done anything to help that Tulkun” Jake shakes his head.
“You’re right, it wouldn’t have done anything for Payakan. But for Lo’ak? At least he’d know that even with how complicated your relationship with him is, you’d still have his back. That you still loved him”
“I do love him.”
“Have you ever told him that?” Neteyam shot back, starting to get frustrated.
Jake sighed, “I’m a marine. I was trained to keep calm and be less emotional. I try but–”
“I get that dad but there comes a time where you need to break that mentality. You need to stop and realize that we’re not soldiers, we’re your sons and that we need you with us. Both physically but most importantly, emotionally,” Neteyam said, his lips turning into a frown. “I never spoke up because I trusted that you loved us. I didn’t feel the need to hear those words from you because as the oldest, I knew that I had my responsibilities and I followed through with no question so of course you’d be proud of me. But Lo’ak? He needed to hear those words. He needed that validation that even though he struggles, that you still love him. But you never did, so he questions you and your orders because he thinks you don’t love him and feels like he needs to prove himself to you. Not even as a warrior, but as a son.”
“You think I don’t love him?”
“I think you don’t see him,” Neteyam said.
Jake’s breath hitched.
“You see a problem,” Neteyam continued. “A risk. A reminder of mistakes you’re afraid he’ll repeat but instead of taking time to correct and teach him properly, you yell at him. And every time he opens his mouth to explain why, you’re already bracing for him to mess things up or say something stupid when in reality, he just wants to be confined to you.”
Jake squeezes his eyes shut in pain, hearing all this for the first time.
“He hears that, even when you don’t say it,” Neteyam whispers.
“And you?” Jake asked softly. “How do you feel about me?”
Neteyam finally sat next to him as he looked out at the sea for what felt like an eternity before speaking, “I feel like, you’re a father who’s trying his best.” he starts. “You’ve seen and gone through a lot and just want to keep us safe. You don’t want us to grow up only knowing war for the rest of our lives. Before all this, you were kind, fun, easier to talk to. Now? It’s frightening to even try to speak our minds because we’re afraid you’ll shut us down before we can even start. And it’s because of this war. I see and understand why you’re like this. I’m the oldest. I’m always behind you when you need me because I never question you, and you like that. But truthfully speaking sir, I don’t follow you or question you FOR you,”
“Then for who?”
“Everything I do, I do it for Lo’ak. For Kiri. For Tuk. My life? My purpose? It’s all for them. For my younger siblings. Even before this war started, it felt like you and mom suddenly dropped them at my feet to go to your own thing. And then when the war did start, it was you guys running off to fight while I stayed behind and made sure they were safe. I understand why, that’s why I never spoke up about it but for a fifteen year old? That’s so much pressure and responsibility. I get I’m seen as a warrior now, but you never let me fight with you. You used me as eyes but that’s it and for that, I felt like my siblings were a lot more important than this war was. I know you’re doing your best dad, I really do. But I think it’s time for you to break this whole “I’m a marine so I can’t feel anything” mentality and be the father we need.”
Jake wasn’t sure when his eyes watered. He only realized when he suddenly tasted his tears.
“I saw him. I saw him looking through all the weapons and looking for the biggest but quickest gun to end his pain. I saw him walk across the beach and fall to his knees. You think hearing all this is painful? Imagine how terrifying it felt being the only one witnessing his attempt. I saw him and needed to find a way to reach him outside the spirit tree. I fought, screamed, yelled, and cried. I did everything I could to fight my way into crossing between worlds to save him because as much as I love Lo’ak, he has his whole life ahead of him. I wanna be with him again so much but there was no way I was gonna let him do that to himself.” Neteyam said ever so slowly, pain lingering in his words.
“That’s not like him…”
“No, it’s not.” He agreed.
Jake wiped his tears, “I didn’t mean to break him” he confessed.
Neteyam got close enough for Jake to feel his son's warmth on his side, “I know. But intent doesn’t erase impact.”
“I failed you both.”
“You’re still here. That means you can fix it.”
Jake nodded and took a deep breath.
He let himself feel the sand beneath him.
He let himself get lost for a moment in the sounds of the waves.
“Dad, I need you to hear this,” Neteyam said in a desperate voice, “My death is not Lo’ak’s burden to carry alone.”
Jake nodded, “It’s mine. It should be mine.”
Neteyam shook his head, “No, it’s all of ours. You should’ve heard Lo’ak out, he should’ve listened to you and I should’ve pulled him back. But you made it HIS when you spoke those words.”
Jake’s shoulders trembled.
“Take them back,” Neteyam said. “Not just with an apology, but with a change.”
“How?” Jake whispered.
“Listen when he speaks,” He said calmly. “Ask him what he sees, what he feels, what he thinks before telling him what to do. Let him fail without making him feel like failure is all he is. You need to give him a chance. You need to trust him.”
Jake finally looks back at him, eyes red, “I don’t want to lose him too.”
Neteyam’s expression softened, “Then stop pushing him toward the edge and calling it discipline.”
Jake nodded, “It’s just, I see so much of me in him…”
“Isn’t that good?”
“Not when it’s all the reckless things I did” Jake said.
Neteyam only looked at his father with questioning eyes.
“When I first came to Pandora, I was like him; never listened to the people around me, was curious about everything, thought I was all bad and knowing, acted before thinking. So many qualities that looking back at now that I hate about myself and seeing those exact qualities in my youngest son? It scared me. It scared me that he’d make the same mistakes I did.” Jake confessed.
Neteyam listened carefully, taking in the new information.
“I guess I can see that, but it’s not Lo’ak’s fault. He didn’t ask to be the way he is and instead of trying to correct him and making sure he won’t repeat your mistakes, you’re pushing him to do it more. If you see yourself in him, that means you should also see the potential in him. You were a sky man and then became THE Toruk Makto, that means Lo’ak could become something even bigger than what he is now. You came to a new place and ended up mating with the chief’s daughter. We came to the Reef and Lo’ak and Tsireya are looking very promising to me if I’m being honest. You became Toruk Makto? He bonded with Payakan, two animals seen as dangerous. If he’s so much like you, why are you only seeing the bad in him when he also has good like you? Isn’t that what you want? For him to be successful and become a strong warrior?”
“I just want Lo’ak to be safe. I already lost you, I can’t bear to lose another child” Jake said softly.
Neteyam’s body suddenly started to fade out, “Shit, I think my times up” he whispered to himself.
Jake felt panic rise, “Neteyam? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Neteyam smiled, “Let’s just say I was only able to buy myself a certain amount of time to be here like this” he chuckled before looking back at Jake with seriousness, “Dad, please. Talk to Lo’ak. You’ve made mistakes before but this? It almost cost you his life. You don’t want to lose another son? Then fix this mistake you’ve made. Fix the relationship with Lo’ak. It may be too late for you to fix our own issues but it’s not too late to try again with Lo’ak. Promise me you’ll talk to him?”
Jake’s eyes watered for what felt like the millionth time before nodding, “I’ll do my best. I’ll hear him out and try understanding him more. I’ll do it right now if I have to.”
Neteyam smiled fondly, not telling Jake he saw Lo’ak walk into their hut with the bow fixed a while ago and then saw him leave and walk towards where the ilu’s stay. He knew Lo’ak was gonna go find Payakan. He also knew that he needed to do it in order to grow stronger and become confident once again.
“Sure dad, do that. I must go,” he said as his body was barely noticeable anymore.
Jake tried to reach for him but as he did, Neteyam finally faded away.
He stayed there for a moment.
Thinking.
He wasn’t sure what he was gonna tell Lo’ak, but he knew he needed to say something, anything, to his son.
His boy.
His poor boy, who only ever wanted the same love Neteyam received from him.
He was gonna fix this.
Somehow.
And for the first time in what felt like years even though it’s been roughly forty-five minutes since the argument in the hut, Jake was gonna let Lo’ak speak his heart out once again but this time, be there for him.
This time, he’d be his father.
A good father.