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There are one thousand and one reasons to fall out of love. Some reasons can be dumb while some are rather because it was meant to be or was not meant to be. As for Kun and Sicheng, they fell out because like matches that are ignited; they were once perfect until everything burnt out – until their love burnt out. Seeing each other had become more of a responsibility and a chore. There was so little talking and texting and eventually, so little of seeing each other. Things were boring with one another while other things and people had seem to spark their interest more. Slowly but surely, they both know that the two of them were falling out and it was time to call it quits. There were no tears but guilt wrapped its fingers around them as they parted. (There were apologies being exchanged but was the apology even meaningful at this point when they both know the inevitable has come down to this – to what they are now; strangers).
It wasn’t easy at first for the two males. As cliché as it may sound, every song on the street and radio that played the song reminded Kun of Sicheng and vice-versa. A familiar tune of JJ Lin’s By Your Side started playing at where the two respective male are at (by coincidence, of course, because the world loved these two so they decided that it was ‘fun’ to have the song playing at the same time) and as much as how both the male tried to not let the melancholy tune get into them, they however can’t help but recollect the time they would share earphones while seated at the back of the bus, sharing earphone and just humming to the song together while fingers are intertwined as the bus took them to their destination.
Favourite locations such as the café that their good friend Yuta owns, or that one Chinese restaurant that gives generous amount of food for their take-away or places that the two males used to hang out at were places that are easily to avoid. Kun goes to their other old favourite café after 6pm on a Saturday when the older male knows that Sicheng clearly has piano classes up till 8pm while Sicheng goes there on a Sunday at 4pm when Kun usually has to accompany his younger sister to her ballet classes and wait for her to finish her class by 6pm. As for the haunting memories that followed, those were a little harder to shake off and forget. Every places they’ve been to pulled a familiar memory of heartstrings for the two; the seat next to one another in a restaurant, the benches they’ve sat together after their long, evening walks, the amusement park they’ve passed by and have been to before, the book store where they share mutual interest over the smell of printed words and the ice cream shop that was once their favourite and the first place that they have met and fell in love at – they all meant something and had these spots still remained as their favourite till today.
No one told them that falling out had also meant backtracking their footsteps back to square one. That is why Sicheng and Kun are back at the ice cream shop where they first met. Sicheng was there with another guy, someone Kun hasn’t met in ‘their’ social circle of friends and it took a while for the younger male to realize that Kun was there until the latter had stopped laughing at whatever subject that was funny between Sicheng and the other guy and had eventually come into a mutual eye-contact with Kun. It’s been a week or two since they have last saw each other hence the whole staring at one another until Sicheng’s friend had noticed what was going on when Sicheng stop looking and talking with him.
“Is that him?” the friend spoke out but realized Sicheng could not utter any form of response, possibly too lost in words or too shocked to see the older male here out of all times and places and so on, so the male had took it upon himself to initiate a greeting towards Kun before Sicheng realized what was going on. “Hi. I’m Lee Taeyong”, Taeyong spoke out, rubbing his nape with a slight smile before holding his hand for a handshake. “Sicheng’s friend.”
It was all too sudden but Kun snapped out from that little trance he had and reached his hands out, meeting Taeyong’s palm with his own and giving a light shake before Kun extracted his hands away. “Kun. Qian Kun”, Kun introduced himself after the handshake as he glanced back and forth between Sicheng and Taeyong and wondered if this was all a dream or just a string of coincidence for him to see Sicheng again. “Uh, I’m…”
“Sicheng’s ex. I know”, Taeyong interrupted Kun with a sympathetic smile. Hearing the label ‘ex’ from someone and having it being thrown to Kun’s face felt like a whole new level of cultural shock, possibly worse than the time Yuta had introduced weird flavoured snacks from Japan.
“Yeah…” Kun uttered softly and was about to excuse himself so he could just be on his way (away from Sicheng) or something but Taeyong interrupted Kun once again by saying, “I’ll let you talk to Sicheng. I was about to leave anyway.”
Before Kun could even say anything, Taeyong did some sort of fond ‘goodbye’ gesture, signalling his leave to Sicheng, whom had seem almost desperate to have the other stay or for him to leave as well along with the other male if it weren’t for Kun’s impulsive action of holding the younger male’s wrist. (Kun didn’t know why he did that when he had wanted to run away from the other male but he did it). There’s only two of them in the shop oddly because it’s a weekday and both males have their ice-cream in their free hand; vanilla for Sicheng and strawberry for Kun. Suddenly the whole world seems to be numbed in silence and how it may have seemed to stop moving. (Or possibly, Kun had forgot to breathe because he is all too nervous now that Sicheng is once again in front of him and he has the other male in grip).
“Are you going to let me go, ge?” Sicheng was the first to speak and it brought Kun back to his senses not because Sicheng had spoken first but because the other male had still call him ‘ge’ (thought logically speaking, there wasn’t much other terms for Sicheng to call Kun with).
Kun still has his grip on Sicheng’s wrist while the younger male waited for a sort of response which leaded to Kun pulling his hands away and keeping it to himself but not without saying, “Can we talk?”
Sicheng blinked and stared at Kun for a while before he nodded. “Sure.”
They went out of the shop, most likely with the intentions that if anything were to spiral down badly after this, at least the ice cream shop wasn’t going to be one of the worst memories they could have of each other. Sicheng finished his ice cream but Kun wasn’t that into his anymore, ditching it halfway and had thankfully ordered a small cup-size so it was consumed by at least three quarter of the ice cream. It was oddly quiet as Sicheng and Kun made their way to some place quiet enough for the two of them to sit on an unknown bench and talk. Has it always been this awkward before when the two of them were still together? Maybe, maybe not.
The walk wasn’t long when Sicheng found a bench for them to settle down and did so non-verbally with gestures alone. Kun understood the other male’s gesture; it was something Kun had grew to learn about the other – to read his gestures and to know what it had meant without the younger male speaking. Kun was the first to speak this time, or more so with a question.
“How have you been?”
Sicheng’s gaze were towards the ground as he swung his legs as the sole of his shoe made a sort of soft draggy noise against the grey pavement. “Just so-so”, Sicheng answered after a while, continuing his leg swinging action when it had come to a pause when he answered Kun.
Kun fidgeted nervously like the time he had wanted to ask Sicheng out. Kun has a nervous neurotic habit of peeling his skin when he is nervous to which Sicheng took notice and had took the other male’s hand unconsciously and almost glaring at the male. “You’re doing it again. Peeling your skin when you’re nervous. Didn’t I tell you to stop that bad habit”, Sicheng had sounded like he was scolding Kun but he wasn’t. It took the older male aback and it made Sicheng realized his actions as he let Kun’s hand go.
Kun chuckled. Sicheng stared at him weirdly before asking, “Why are you laughing?”
“I’m sorry”, Kun finally spoke again. “It’s just… I got reminded of us last time. And this isn’t the first time. The past weeks. It’s been hard for me when everything and every place reminded me of you”, Kun confessed, looking at Sicheng.
Sicheng had a look of shock written all over his face before he looked down to his jeans, finger digging against the holes of his ripped jeans. “Me too. Like last week, I thought I saw you… at the restaurant in the evening. Taeyong said it was just the break-up syndrome… for me to see you everywhere and for me to be reminded of places and things about you. But I can’t help it…” Sicheng mumbled all too fast and had the younger male spoken the most in one sentence for the first time in forever. Kun was almost too happy from this.
“I thought I saw you there too. I called myself crazy for that and had even lost sleep over it. And the benches we sat! Unknowingly while doing something, I thought you were there with me. I thought I really went crazy”, Kun added on as Sicheng looked up to glance at the older male.
“You’re not, ge”, Sicheng looked away and chewed on his lips, one of his own bad habits. “I miss you, Kun-ge”, Sicheng paused for a moment before he confessed.
Kun is taken aback, probably for the nth time today but had immediately reacted to Sicheng’s confession. “I miss you too.”
Things fell into a silence after that as both male were slightly flustered and embarrassed to be the first to speak after the daring confession. Kun peeled his fingers again while Sicheng chewed on his lips – nothing changed momentarily and had remained that way until the sun began to set.
“Why have we became like this, ge?” Sicheng spoke first, justifying to himself how it was him who had ‘confessed’ first and made things awkward.
The other male turned his attention from his fingers to the younger male, pressing his palms against the wood of the bench respectively by his side. “Because we fell out of love. Because we stop communicating even non-verbally and that we grew out wild flowers struggling for sunlight.”
“And like matches that burnt out”, Sicheng added.
“I’m sorry. If I had took more initiative to talk about us. To make time for us. Maybe this wouldn’t have happen”, Kun mumbled.
Sicheng responded immediately. “It takes two hand to clap. I should have pushed myself to have us talk. I should have said I felt lonely.”
“This is silly. We’re silly”, Kun mumbled before he chuckled and continues, “I’m sorry. I still love you, Sicheng.”
Sicheng smiled at the other male’s before he frowned. “Hey, it’s not easy at that, Kun-ge.”
Kun blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I love you too… honestly. But it’s not easy as just saying that!” Sicheng frowned more.
“Is it because of Taeyong? Are you dating him?” Kun asked, trying to not sound jealous.
“Him?” Sicheng made an expression before shaking his head. “I’ll never date him. He has someone else but that’s not the point! The point is, saying ‘I love you’ isn’t it. You have to make me fall for you again, ge.” Sicheng pointed out.
“Oh” Kun exclaimed. He never knew it was going to be this tough getting Sicheng back but since when was Love ever easy?
“I will. I’ll win you back”, Kun sound determined as he smiled. “Until then… I won’t carelessly say the three words again until I am sure that I can win you back.”
“Are you saying you’re unsure you can’t win me back?” Sicheng almost frowned but Kun immediately shake his head to disagree to what the younger male had asked.
“That’s not what I meant! I mean- until I finally have you in my arms again. Until I can prove that I have won you back. I’ll save those words for you later.” Kun explained as calmly as he could with Sicheng laughing after.
“I trust you then, ge”, Sicheng’s laughter from earlier died down, only to have a smile replaced it.
“There’s no one else but you after all that can mess me up in a good way.”