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To you who shine a light on me,
I still search for someone presumed dead. Someone whose face others don't recognize, whose image slips further from my memory with every passing day, like attempting to hold onto water as it flows through my trembling fingers. Whose existence I cannot prove. Today too, like every day before it, I continue to search for the man whose back I remember but his voice my mind cannot recall. Today too, I will continue searching.
My days go on, with the passage of time leaving no trace on my body except for my growing hair. I mentor youkai and guide their way of life. Some days its rough, brutal even, while others pass peacefully and my communication with them flows smoothly. The amount of youkai that grasp our speech and behavior has only been growing, slowly but steadily. I stand somewhere where I am relevant and indispensable, yet even a century later, there remains a void in my chest that i can't seem to fill.
Each morning I wake up weighed down by my heart, aching and heavy. I scan every recent memory to discern the source of my anxiety, until my memories trace back to your smile. And only then does the stark realization hit me, of how precious you were to me... and still are. In my memories, the features of your face are no longer visible and your voice is a muted echo. Yet Suzaku... I still remember your name. I say it audibly every morning, I repeat it to myself in the mirror to reassure myself of what once was, to make it certain that you are not only a figment of my imagination. Though on my worst nights, I wished that were case, for then I could release myself from this nagging pain, and release you from living only in my memories and put you to rest.
I reach for the moon with my outstretched arms, peering through the narrow space between my fingers. Did I manage to close some distance between us? Are you over there where my hands could never reach? Do your wings still spread wide, while your flames burn brightly? On full moon nights, I cannot help but be a prisoner of these looping thoughts. I am sure Takamagahara must have been more beautiful, yet you sometimes wandered around on human lands despite having no business here. I remember finding you in the empty courtyards back then, deep in the night, gazing up at the bright moon while its light traced the edges of your form and your long hair gleaming, ever so gently, danced with the wind. You then raised your hands as if offering yourself to the glittering sky, and the sight of you ceased my breath, finding myself hold back from almost desperately clutching your hands so you wouldn't be taken away. But I chose to watch you from afar, not hiding, just unwilling to break the silence, to disturb that stillness as beautiful as a painting. In those tranquil moments, even when I knew you belonged beyond the clouds, even though you seemed so far away, I felt strangely connected to you. The moon was luminous and the sky was generously decorated with stars. And still, my sight and breath were stolen by you.
I was never good at understanding how others felt, but I wondered if this pounding thud sensation in my chest could be shared by others if they saw you too.
Days repeat, stars leaving me behind, and even then, no moonlight now satisfies me the way it did on those nights.
Suzaku...
Suzaku...
Suzaku...
I no longer remember your face. Nor the sound of your voice which I know have so dearly called out my name so many times before. What expression did you wear that day when I could only stare at your back?
I filled my days with hope, with the belief that today I will find a clue, a lead, to find what i am looking for. Something that would bring me closer to you. Ultimately, I return each night to my cold room, to the unrelenting weight your absence. I sink to the floor, unable to utter a word. Is it disappointment? Why is it that your absence brings me to my knees, with an agonizing pain gnawing at my chest? Who were you to me? The guilt turns my stomach, burning my throat and passing sour fluid through my mouth every night after drinking all my worries away. It sits in my conscience. I could never forget you for an instant. It is far too late now to understand these feelings that I felt for you, I could scream and they'll never be heard by you. I wish I had more time to understand you, to know you better.
Some days, you followed me, preferred to linger and watch me eat my meals than joining Seimei as the others did. Did you find joy in being with me? Did my company bring you comfort like yours did for me? I was only but a brat back then, but now I understand what is it that you made me feel and perhaps you returned those feelings. I knew you loathed being wet, yet you joined me in those playful splash fights that would begin as a simple walk around the lake. You were always curious about me, what I thought, what I felt, what I did and what I would do next. One night, you barged into my room out of breath upon hearing I held a high fever, I couldn't make out what you were saying to me but I felt my body melting away under the cool feeling of your hand on my forehead. Your touch so tender and soothing. I felt my throat tighten and I cried in front of you then. Even though I was in pain, a feeling of bliss radiated throughout my body. I hated showing weakness, but in that moment, I felt safe being vulnerable around you. "there, there. you're alright. you're okay.." You repeated to me, continuously changing the towel on my forehead, wiping the sweat off my face and chest until the night broke. I woke up in the morning and saw you lying down next to me, I couldn't help but smile at your silly sleeping face and wondered if you ever get sick sleeping next to a sick human.
You were often fascinated by the various types of flowers around the estate, and would crouch down to point them out to me. Your hair followed your every move, cascading over your shoulders like a sheet of glistening black silk. That time, I unthinkingly lifted your hair from your face and you turned to me suddenly. I instinctively looked away, my breath grew heavy and i could not muster the courage to meet your eyes anymore. Whilst I was trying to fathom the reasons for my actions, you caressed my face and slid the tip of your thumb across my lower lip, resting your hand on my left cheek and moved my face towards you, holding my gaze with yours. My lips shivered slightly, I must have been so flustered and I felt so conscious. Did I brush my hair this morning? such silly thoughts clouded my thoughts. Words could not make it past my tongue, but what I wanted to say must have been that I love you, in its purest forms, unbeknownst to me then. And I was afraid that the extent of these feelings could drive you away had I attempted to express them to you.
Why didn't I get the hint. It is painfully obvious now what we were to each other. You spoke to me softly and as your equal. Despite your rank, despite me being a human, despite being someone you owed nothing to. You treated me as if I were precious, like I would dissolve at your touch. I recall your fierce flames, your red wings' raging fire, how you dealt with enemies with no mercy, yet you never directed that attitude towards me. I watched you always, you know? And you always noticed me so you must've known too, even before I did, that my eyes always followed you too. I must've been so consumed with escaping Seimei's shadow that I failed to notice that you were standing by my side.
I remember the genuine laughter shared between us, your jokes that now escape me, and the feelings of warmth they filled me with. If I had noticed my feelings then, would you have been within reach? to a mere human such as I? I was scared of finding out.
I can read my name on your lips in my memories but I can't hear your voice. I can't recall how your eyes looked at me and it hurts me more than I can describe. I lie on the hard floor and let the tears flow. I could feel it leave a stinging trail from my eye, over the bridge of my nose towards my ear. Every passing day, I lose pieces of you. What if nothing remains of you in another few centuries? Who will keep you alive for me then?
I am faring well and I have grown to like teaching. The youkai I once looked down upon and slayed, now taught me to open up to the world and experience more. Even the rough days came with the reward of watching my students grow and see communities come together. I wish I could show you all of this, which was only possible because of the life you gave me.
Where light comes from, I always see your silhouette turning towards me. In my dreams, you speak to me but I can never make out your words. You turn to me with that bright smile of yours, with the sun at your back drowning out your features. That was the light you cast into my sombre life. Radiant light that was afraid to dim by making you spend it with someone like me. But selfishly, I rather all the light in the world vanish if it meant I could stand by your side once more, for one more eternity with you.
If I could rewind time, I would never put you in harms way. You paid the great price for my selfishness and I paid the price for my stupidity.
The only tangible proof of your existence, that you touched my life, are the bright, deep red colored earrings you once gifted me, that matched the crimson of our eyes. I look at those earrings and try to paint an image of you in my head, making up the features as I go. The only marks you left on my body were the holes in my ears and the permanent scar across my chest that I run my fingers on at the thought of you...
When I start thinking of you, I suddenly find the scalding hot tea between my palms turn cold. To think that brat Douman was capable of such love... I am eternally blessed to have crossed paths with you, Suzaku.
Cold air fills my lungs that I exhale into the wind that carries fallen leaves with it onto the next season. The white painted landscape morphs into a vibrant greenery. Seasons change while still carrying memories of you with me.
Will I see you again?
I will pray. Possibly my voice could travel to you across whatever divides us. If maybe that will reach my voice to you, Suzaku.
With my belated awareness of love,
Ashiya Douman