Chapter Text
won’t you stick around me (for the rest of your life)
“Okay this isn’t working out.” Mike sighs, dropping near the closest thing that could be called a sofa in the shitty rehearsal room.
“Well respectfully”, Joshua starts and Mike already knows he’s going to say anything but something respectful. “we’ve been at this for hours, Mike. It just never is good enough for you. You gotta drop the whole perfectionist shit.”
Mike glances at Andrew and Jessica looking for moral support cause he’s clearly not in the wrong here, but they keep their gaze fixed on their respective instruments clearly agreeing with what Joshua said. Everyone seems tired but they simply don’t understand that it is that serious. Maybe if they had better conditions they wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
The music room is shitty and that’s a fact. It’s freezing, located in the basement so no windows, the grimy tiled floor is chipped and doesn’t help with the freezing situation. No wonder Will hates this place, Mike thinks and shoves that thought back inside his head. The soundproofing is crap, which means they basically get yelled at almost every hour when they rehearse, the greyish walls look depressing despites the multiple graffitis smeared everywhere. It’s not a room that screams “you’re gonna go far” it’s a room that all but shouts: “this is your shitty college band that will never get you anywhere”. The guitars keep getting out of tune, the microphones sound is trash. And most of all, his bandmates are just not getting it.
Mike gets up from his seat,shuffles through his belongings and shoves them in his bag before throwing it over his shoulder.
“All of you are pissing me off right now. You’re all wrong if this even matters.” No one says anything. “I’m leaving. But I will come back, with actual good ideas. Also Joshua, your song sucks. No hard feelings man, but you should try being a little more perfectionist.”
He storms off of this nightmare of a room while he hears a distant “just because you’re the main singer-” to which he yells back “I created you !” Then puts his walkman on and doesn’t even look back.
It’s fine, this happens at least once a week. Or twice. Mike isn’t sure anymore. He just knows that the idea of being in a band seemed so much better when Will suggested it than when he actually had to do it. If he’s being completely honest, Will’s idea was for Mike to write the songs since he loves writing and to quote Will’s exact words “Music is great for self expression. I think you have a lot of repressed feelings that might be easier to write into a song.” He then started rambling about the goth trilogy and how meaningful any lyrics Robert Smith ever wrote was right on the spot and so deep. And Mike completely forgot about what Will meant by “repressed feelings” and just listened to him nerding about music and how significant it is which, okay he might’ve decided to join a band because of Will.
The thing is, he really wanted to make Will proud, cause all he’s been doing since starting college is sulk, wake up late for classes, and follow him around like a lost puppy. Which, Will doesn’t mind, Mike is sure (is he) but he understands he can be a little overbearing. Not that Will said it. He just doesn’t even like his own presence very much, especially those last few months. The worst part is that, he thought that somehow, listening to Will’s advice would bring them closer, fix the small gap that has been slowly increasing between them, especially since Will started making all of those new friends and spending more and more time with them. At first, Will would invite Mike to all of their hangouts, but then he got sick of seeing Joshua’s face at rehearsals and also in his free time. Has he mentioned that Joshua was one of Will’s friends ? Maybe he didn’t. It doesn’t really matter because Joshua is a dick and he keeps trying to steal Will from him. Not to mention, he also decided he should write the songs, when he’s already lead guitar and it was Mike who was supposed to write the songs anyway. He’s been thinking of kicking Joshua out of the band for a while but then they’d have no lead guitar and that would just create more problems. Also Will might be mad. Not that Mike makes a great show of hiding how he feels about him.
The thing is, through all the chaos and pain that haunts his past, there is only one fragile thing he can hold on to not go insane, and it’s Will. And deep down, Mike knows it’s the same thing for Will. Like the way Mike is the only one able to calm Will down when he has nightmares, just walking him through calming down and then snuggling back in bed with him just to make sure Will gets at least a little bit of actual sleep before his classes. It’s the way they both sleep better when they’re close to each other, because Mike has nightmares too, he’s just more quiet about it. When this happens, he usually gets up and quietly goes to lie next to Will in bed. Will shuffles closer and doesn’t ask. He doesn’t have to.
It’s also the way Will is the only person able to calm Mike down when he has a panic attack, whether it is about school, or things he simply don’t want to talk about (like when Will is gone for too long and Mike goes from every scenario possible in his head, starting with the deep fear that Will simply is having a great time without him and doesn’t even think about him or need him anymore to something terrible happened and he wasn't there to stop it.) but Will always come home, notice something about Mike is off, because his panic attacks are more quiet than loud, and sits down with Mike and to help ground him, by holding both of his hands softly, talking to him about safe suggests, anything that feels normal, anything to get him out of the loop inside his head, until Mike finally breaks down and cries, not even sure what he’s crying about, maybe all the shits that have been stewing in his head, rotting, turning him into a sobbing mess. Will usually holds him and when he finally calms down, he spends the rest of the day glued to his side. It’s a safe presence. It feels right.
When he gets to his dorm, Will isn’t there. As if the day couldn’t get any worse. And he’s a hundred percent sure that Will is with his stupid friends cause he has his schedule memorized and he knows his last class was an hour ago. Before the panic can start creeping up inside him, he decides to put a record on and take a shower before settling down and writing an actual song. Fuck Joshua’s song, they’re all about freedom, and happiness, and whatever “i hope you will meet me there once the rain stopped” means. Mike has a different vision for his band, and he’s the leader isn’t he? He literally created the band. He’s not such a selfish asshole that he wouldn’t take notices from his bandmates, but one of them completely stealing his place as song writer, (cause he’s the lead singer, that only makes sense) and making everything about him, even trying to steal Will from him, just doesn’t sit right with him.
During his shower, he tries to brainstorm ideas but he’s more worried about the fact that Will just isn’t there. It never feels right, or safe, when Will isn’t there. He hates that it’s becoming more and more frequent for him to panic whenever he’s alone for too long. Or without Will for too long. It’s like he’s going through withdrawals, but for a person. What is that supposed to mean ? That he misses Will, obviously, even though he just saw him this morning. And they had lunch together. Why can’t Will always be by his side, like it used to be ? Is he asking for too much ? By the time he’s drying his hair, he realises he’s spiraling again. It seems like it’s the only thing he does these last few months anyway. He spirals, he doesn’t know what to do with it, this builds ups into a panic attack and everything falls apart. But this time there’s a small voice in the back of his head (that sounds awfully like Will), a voice rambling about repressed feelings, expressing himself through music, finding something that helps him. “Like a diary, but you turn it into music. And you can make tons of metaphors so no one really knows what you’re talking about except for you.” Mike throws away the towel he was using and rushes to his desk. Maybe Will is a genius, after all. Not that he ever doubted it.
He’s sitting in front of this blank page, gripping his pencil for dear life, and he wonders. He wonders about Will, mostly, and how he needs Mike… Less ? He wonders about their shared trauma without lingering too long on those thoughts, he tries to stay focused on anything else, really, the droplets of water that crashes into the sink cause they have a leaky faucet that Mike swears he’s going to fix, the lights still on on campus he can see through the window, he tries focusing on his breathing but that only makes him more anxious cause he suddenly feels like he forgot how to breathe properly. But it always links back to the same thing, which is how can Will need him less when Mike has never needed him more in his entire life? He’s not sure there was even a point in his life where he didn’t need Will. But this dreadful feeling of him slipping away is only making things worse.
He puts both his hands against his forehead and sighs. This isn’t working. Maybe he’s just not made for music, or writing, or anything really. He still manages to write a few words in the depth of his despair, they seem to write themselves more than he actually writes them.
I’m hanging around
Hoping hard
That you wanna be with me always, and always
It’s my way of saying won’t you stick around me
For the rest of your life ?
He’s about to try and make sense of what he actually wrote, when he hears noises and the door opening, so he shuffles awkwardly through his notes and hides them like some dirty little secret. Why is he even doing that ?
Will enters the room and a weight is immediately lifted from Mike’s chest, even though the writing helped him calm down a bit. Stay grounded. He doesn’t really feel on the verge of breaking down anymore, just his usual breaking down state. Except Will is there so none of that matters anymore.
“Hey” Will offers as soon as he sees Mike, “Mike ? Are you okay ?” he asks and of course he sees right through him.
Will drops his school bag on the floor and immediately drifts all his focus on Mike, like he’s the only thing that matters right now. Bet Joshua doesn’t get that, Mike thinks selfishly before realising it’s a weird thought to have.
“I’m fine,” Mike answers while still sounding a little shaken. “I was just… In my own head, you know. But I managed to calm down. It’s just tiring.”
Will simply sits on the bed with enough space for Mike to join him, which he does.
“You know,” Will starts, “I know you don’t like calling those “in your own head” moments panic attacks, but that’s what they are, Mike. And it’s been happening a lot recently.”
Mike starts fidgeting with a bracelet Holly gave him before he left for college and notices how good she’s gotten at making jewelry. He wants to bring it up to Will but judging by Will’s voice, it’s a serious talk they’re having and he can’t just avoid it as much as he would like to. The thing is, Mike is bad at expressing anything really. He’s never been taught how to, and he doesn’t enjoy it one bit. But this is Will, and if Will needs them to talk seriously about this, then he can manage, right ? He’s always been a little better at talking when it’s with Will.
“I know, and I also know.” he answers simply at first. “I’m sorry about it, really, I know it’s exhausting for you, already dealing with your own shit and I- I just have no idea why. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
“Doesn’t the band help you ? I mean it was the point of starting a band in the first place, to, you know, help you to not get lost in your own head too much.” Will’s voice is soft, not pitying but just soft and caring and it does something to Mike. He’s not sure what.
“You just wanted me to find a hobby outside of dnd, admit it” Mike can’t help but joke.
The atmosphere gets significantly less heavy as soon as Will does this thing he always does whenever he tries to stay serious but Mike makes him laugh. He looks away just a little bit and smiles lightly, probably trying not to let out some kind of adorable laugh that is just so Will.
“Okay maybe also that, but it was mainly so you could also make friends and spend time trying out something new. If it isn’t working out, it’s also fine.”
Mike just lays back on the bed dramatically and sighs for basically the hundredth time today. He stares at the ceiling.
“Will,” he starts. “It’s not that it’s not working out, it’s just that I’m sorry but I hate Joshua. He’s annoying, and he keeps trying to do all the work meanwhile this is my band. Like I started it, you know ? But ever since I brought up the idea of writing original songs because I got bored of doing covers of Bob Dylan constantly, he just took it as his cue to start to shine. It’s like, just because he’s better at guitar than me, he thinks he owns the whole world and everyone inside it and I’m the one who has to sing his shitty songs that make no sense whatsoever. Like, he’s always going on about the sun, or the rain, or the woods, or whatever, it’s like he opened a book about wildlife once and now it’s the only thing he can talk about. Thank god he hasn’t mentioned any rivers yet.”
He hasn’t realised he’s been ranting until he feels a weight next to him on the mattress and hears Will giggle a bit before turning around to look at him. Mike also turns around so they’re face to face and their arms lightly graze each other. Mike then feels something inside him again, something he’s been feeling a lot recently, especially when he gets close to Will physically, a sort of yearning, like his body is asking for more contact. It probably has to do with the fact he’s been so anxious and Will feels safe. Will is safe. It feels right.
“Joshua’s nice, but I think I get what you’re saying.” Will moves a bit closer and now it’s their legs that start touching. “He talks about it a lot, you know. The band. He calls it “my band” and it’s funny cause there was this one time he talked about it in front of a girl from our class that doesn’t know him, and she started being really curious about “his” band, asking him when he learnt how to sing and stuff.”
Mike can’t help but laugh.
“What did he say then ?”
“He said he plays lead guitar and is the songwriter. But I don’t think she really cared. She was probably just into him cause you know, musicians.”
“He said- Wait, what?” Mike stammers which only makes Will laugh more. “I can’t believe he said this ! It has not been specified who’s the song writer because all we’ve done so far is those shitty covers and he wrote what two songs ? And they both suck.”
“It doesn’t matter Mike,” Will smiles between giggles “It’s not like he stole anything from you, unless you wanted Amber from sociology attention.”
Mike shivers at the thought.
“Ew no. Did he at least get some ?” It’s a simple question. And weirdly, as much as he hates Joshua, the idea of him finding a girlfriend is actually not an idea that grosses Mike out. Maybe then he’ll spend less time fussing around Will. Like seriously, who does that ?
Will shuffle awkwardly and sits back up. Mike immediately mourns the loss of contact but sits back up too. Will seems anxious, almost like he’s not sure if he should speak or simply stay quiet. Like he is afraid of saying the wrong thing, this happened a lot when they were kids, so Mike can read it pretty well. But how could he ? Will has never said the wrong thing in his life. He apparently decides on speaking but takes Mike’s wrist in his hand and starts fidgeting with Holly’s bracelet, mimicking Mike’s nervous habit. Mike wonders if Will is having that thought about Holly getting really good at jewelry.
“Okay so the thing is…” Will exhale and look away while he speaks the next words: “I know we don’t really… Talk about it you know, me being gay and all because you get all weird like you’re going to say something stupid or whatever which I assured you multiple times you wouldn’t, but as it turns out I’m not the only gay guy from my class. Cause I’m pretty sure Joshua’s into me. Like when I say pretty sure I mean I know it.”
There’s a beat. None of them speak mainly because Mike is trying to swallow down whatever just grew inside his throat. How does he know ?
“And how do you know ?” He tries to sound extremely cool about it, extremely calm, he almost hides the crack in his voice.
Will doesn’t move, or doesn’t stop playing with Mike’s bracelet and Mike slowly starts realising that Will is also seeking comfort, so he moves a bit closer, so that their legs start touching again.
“Well he kissed me, actually. That’s why I was late today.”
Will doesn’t add anything, probably waiting for a reaction from Mike, like if he was testing the waters, checking if being gay was still okay with Mike and it is, really. Mike is just going to have to kill Joshua now. He doesn’t really linger on why he suddenly turned into such a murderous creature that his only thoughts are how to get away with murdering a fellow college student. He doesn’t linger on why he feels as if his stomach is trying to shrink on itself, or why that thing in his throat has gotten bigger and bigger, almost stopping him from breathing. Or speaking as a matter of fact. Because all he manages to say next is, “well good for you.” It sounds bitter. Did it sound bitter ? Well maybe it should.
Will let go of Mike’s wrist and turn around to face him even though Mike found a great new interest in the floor, the wall, anywhere but Will’s stupid pretty face. He doesn’t even dwell on why he just thought of Will as pretty, because well, he is, it’s just a matter of fact. Maybe Mike can’t handle pretty right now with all those things inside him he has no clues of what they are.
“No Mike, it didn’t really go like that actually.” Will adds on and Mike finally turns to look at him. “We were hanging out with Kelly and Scott as usual but I’m pretty sure they’re kind of a thing now, so they left earlier and it was just me and him. I figured he might have a crush on me because of the way he’s been acting recently, but he was just being more… Obvious, I guess ? He ranted to me a bit about practice and I don’t think he’s very fond of you either. Anyway I was actually defending you, well not really defending since he wasn’t saying you were a piece of shit or anything, just things that weren’t true because you guys are not making the effort to actually try to know each other. Then at some point he just kissed me, probably because he wanted me to shut up because I was just ranting and maybe he thought that would be romantic or something ? But I hate being interrupted anyway and I also see him as a friend. Like just because he is gay and I am too means I’m immediately going to be interested in him. I just see him as a friend. It was pretty awkward, actually.”
Mike finally feels like he can breathe again, which also unlocked his ability to form thoughts and his first thought is, why did he have such a visceral reaction to Will kissing- or being kissed by someone else. Probably because it was that douchebag Joshua. The fact that he thought the best time to kiss Will was when he was in one of his rants really shows that he is, first of all, a huge douchebag, and second of all, that he doesn’t know Will at all. There would have to be words spoken before kissing Will. It shouldn’t be rushed. At least that’s what Mike thinks, in theory. He goes back to fidgeting with the bracelet.
“But why did you come home so late though ? Did he just not get it when you said you saw him as a friend ?” Maybe murder is back on the table.
“Okay,” Will immediately smiles, “For this one we have to be lying down on the bed.”
Mike doesn’t mind laying down next to Will. Actually if he’s honest, it’s been too long since they shared a bed. Three days to be exact. Which is a long time.
They both shift pretty quickly, because it’s so natural for them to be this close. It doesn’t feel weird, It feels right. They lay down face to face at first and Will prop his head on his hand so Mike mimics. He also starts absently playing with Mike’s finger with his free hand which drives Mike absolutely insane for some reason, and also because it doesn’t even seem like Will realises he’s doing it.
“So ?” Mike asks a little impatiently because he needs to know if he has to plan a murder or not.
Will fight back a smile.
“ I had to stay for so long because he was convinced that me and you were, well, a thing. And that’s why I just wanted to stay friends. It was pretty funny because it seemed like he was having all those realisations like putting back pieces from a puzzle together and I basically had to convince him that we weren’t and destroy his whole theory. He thought that’s why you hated him so much but now he’s just confused because he thinks of himself as a really nice guy. I told him you didn’t hate him and that you were just stressed about the band to ease up his worries because he made me a bit sad. He looked a bit like a puppy that never got his threat.”
“But Will,” Mike smiles, holding back laughter, “I do hate him. He’s an unsufferable douchebag.”
Will drops his head between his arms on the bed to laugh and Mike feels like he just won a huge prize. Like this feeling of proudness you get when you get a small diploma in middle school because you just won a writing contest.
“Deal with it, Mike.” Will says in between fits of laughter. “This is way too funny. He’s nice ! Talk to him about the band or just write your own songs. And play them by yourself, you’re pretty good at playing actually. I heard you singing Polly on the guitar once and it was actually good. Maybe you don’t need a band.”
“I butchered that song. And I don’t even want to know how you heard me.”
“I might be everywhere even when you think I am not.” Will teases and Mike tangles their legs together cause it feels like a good thing to do at this moment.
“Creep. But I do have one more question though,” he adds, meanwhile his face his a blatant warning that he is about to be extremely unserious.
“I’m all ears” Will answers.
“So are we…” Mike lowers his voice so it is just a whisper and starts giggling like a little kid about to deliver the funniest line of the century. “You know… A Thing ?”
Will chuckles and hides his face between his arms again. Maybe he blushed or maybe Mike is hallucinating but nonetheless, he looked really pretty. Again just an observation.
“Yeah, yeah of course,” Will teases back, “Band practice is going to be so much fun now.”
For a short moment, Mike imagines what it would be like for him and Will to be A Thing, you know just to piss Joshua off. He bet Joshua would be so mad. Because if he was dating Will, he would pick him up at every class they don’t share, and every time Joshua would try to fuss around him, Mike would just put his arm around Will’s shoulder and say “it was nice but we have to go” and then Will would smile apologetically and tease Mike about how he’s being an asshole but he wouldn’t stop smiling. Mike smiles at his own thoughts only to realise he is actually smiling at a memory. That happened last week. Oh.
Well it didn’t feel weird did it ? It was actually pretty funny because Joshua was so pressed during practice later on he didn’t even argue when Mike said they were going to try to cover a Nirvana song this time instead of knocking on heaven’s door for the fiftieth time this week. It was actually nice because after saving (yes saving) Will from douchebag Joshua’s grip, they went to this coffee place Will loves to study but just ended up trying pastries and messing around and not studying at all. But wouldn’t it have been the same if he and Will were a thing ? Except this time it would've been a date. Or something like that. Well it did feel like a date though, because everytime Will laughed, Mike got that funny feeling in his stomach, and everytime Will said something smart or started ranting which he does a lot, Mike thought that one day he should write a book that would only contain Will’s thoughts.
“You okay ?” Will suddenly asks, dragging him out of his thought pattern. He was looking at him and god when did his eyelashes get so long ?
Before answering, Mike notices that in the process of tangling their legs together and Will going back to playing with his hand like it’s the most normal thing in the world, they’ve gotten awfully closer, so much that if Mike felt a bit cold before it’s not the case anymore. But it’s not like he feels too hot either, he just feels warm, and fuzzy. Like if he had maybe a drink or too. Maybe he did have a drink or too and he just doesn’t remember it. Or maybe it’s just that being close to Will feels safe and after the day he's had, it’s only fair for him to feel warm and fuzzy when he finally gets his safe space back.
“Yes, sorry,” he replies quickly. “I was just thinking about how practice is actually gonna be tense now. As if it wasn’t already.”
Will just looks at him like he’s trying to solve an extremely complicated puzzle, he does that a lot too, Mike noticed. It’s like he knows Mike in and out but still tries to figure stuff about him when what is there even to figure out ? Mike tries to look back at him and to get into some sort of staring contest, but he always loses those games because he finds that looking people right in the eyes is actually very unsettling and weird. With Will though, it’s different. It’s just that he can’t keep eye contact for very long because Will has very pretty eyes and it does things to Mike. Totally normal things for sure, maybe sometimes an insane amount of prettiness is hard to look at for too long. It’s overwhelming.
“Are you trying to stare ?” Will chuckles. “‘Cause I would’ve said “you’re staring” but you’re doing that thing where you basically cannot stare at me for more than five seconds or else something, I’m not sure what, makes you lose control of your eyes and you basically stare at everything but me.”
Will seems way too amused by the situation. When it’s actually pretty annoying for Mike.
“It’s not funny” Mike whines, “is this what you’re trying to decipher by staring at me right now ? Because you started it.”
“I don’t know. I just felt like staring at you.” Will simply shrugs and goes back to staring.
Mike all but crumbles on himself and puts his face into his own hands to hide it like a safety net. His cheeks feel insanely hot right now and he’s feeling many things inside him that are confusing and he does not want to deal with any of it right now. Will must get the clue because he quit staring and simply distances himself a bit and yawn. Mike immediately gets out of his safety net because he suddenly feels a bit cold.
“I think I’m going to take a shower. This day was too much.” Will says before sitting on the edge of the bed. Mike feels way too cold now.
“Could you maybe… Come back ? I mean after if you don’t have too much homework.” Mike demands on an impulse. “It’s just that I’ve had a shit day because of practice and I just-”
“Of course”, Will interrupts him. “We can go through BOTH our homeworks together. Cause I know you’re just ignoring it.”
Mike gives him a shy smile and watches as he gathers around some clothing. As soon as Will is in the shower, Mike immediately gets up and goes back to his desk where he looks for the crumbled up piece of paper where he started writing earlier. He’s afraid his thoughts are going to slip away from him like they do so often. He grabs a pen and then add:
I’m gonna wish on a star
That you’re gonna stick with me always and always
He drops the pen. It feels right.