Chapter Text
Adira stared at the lines of code on the antiquated console in front of them. Why didn´t this make any sense? They tapped three fingers against the console rapidly, again and again, as they had been doing for most of the past three hours. They should really be able to solve this.
Looking up for a second, Adira was startled by Paul looking back at them from across the room. Suddenly self-conscious, they froze.
Was he disappointed that they hadn´t made more progress yet? Or was he annoyed by their fidgeting? Or was it something else they did wrong that hadn´t even crossed their mind?
Adira bit their lip and inserted another data set. This time they were mindful of keeping their hands still and their concentration up, even though their sudden nerves made them itch for movement even more.
A few hours later, they both finally took a quick break in the mess hall.
Gray reappeared at Adira´s side and settled in the chair next to them, though of course Paul couldn´t see that. They sat quietly for a bit, with only Gray softly humming the melody of a Trill pop ballad. Paul seemed to prepare to say something, with the way he looked at his coffee and at Adira and at his coffee again. Weird.
Gray watched him for a moment. “I´ll be off and let you two talk.”, he said and disappeared to wherever he went when Adira couldn´t see him. Now they really wondered what this was about.
“I noticed something earlier.”, Paul started, his voice much more hesitant than it ever was in the engineering lab.
But he gained conviction as he continued: “You were tapping your fingers a lot while working and then you stopped when I looked over at you. I just wanted to say - you don´t have to do that. Stop yourself like that, I mean.”
“Oh.”
Adira was unsure how to react. They hadn´t expected this turn of the conversation at all.
“I thought I was annoying you.”
Paul shook his head.
“No, you weren´t. Not even a little. And if someone tells you that, don´t listen. You shouldn´t have to hide that.” He nodded decisively.
“Ummm, thank you?”
“Did someone tell you your fidgeting is annoying?”
His voice got that protective edge that made Adira feel squirmy with embarrassment and wonderfully warm at the same time.
“No, at least not here on the Discovery. On the generation ship, though… It´s… I think I remember a few of the people who took care of Gray and me saying it. That it was distracting and just too much nervous energy to be around.”
Paul nodded sympathetically.
“I fidget and move my hands a lot, too. You might have noticed?”
Adira shrugged. Now that they thought about it, he did often rub his thumb against his knuckles or tap his fingers or move his hands around in big gestures.
“I didn´t fully understand why I do it until I was quite a few years older than you are now. It took me even longer to realize I shouldn´t have to supress that need in front of others. Growing up, I was told by my parents and others that it was weird and annoying and that no one would listen and take what I say seriously if I kept fidgeting so much. It wasn´t easy to get past some of that. But they were wrong to say these things.”
Adira nodded. That must have been hurtful.
“Moving and fidgeting helps me focus and regulate when I´m tense or a little overwhelmed or even when I´m excited. So supressing it can be detrimental. I don´t know if it is the same for you.”
He paused for a bit, thinking.
“But even if it isn´t, that shouldn´t matter much. Regardless of the underlying reason, you shouldn´t need to hide and supress yourself like that.”
Adira looked at Paul´s gentle, earnest expression. They had rarely felt so seen by someone. Gray did that for them, of course, but that was different. Paul´s understanding and care touched something in Adira they hadn´t really known existed anymore, hidden away because it hadn´t fit into their life. They couldn´t remember an adult ever trying to connect with them as Paul did. It was… kind of awkward, getting so much focused attention, and for something that wasn´t their work. But it felt good.
They didn´t know how to express that, though. For now, they weren´t sure if they even wanted to.
“Okay.”, they said simply.
The next morning, they continued their work in Engineering. Adira tapped their fingers as they typed with their other hand. They didn´t see Paul´s small, satisfied smile when he noticed.