Work Text:
You love me with your bones
You hold me when I’m broke
You don’t ask for a thing
It's winter when Sophia feels a lingering pressure on her chest every moment she's awake.
Maybe it started during finals week when she was stressed over her organic chemistry final. Her professor wasn't the best, but she enjoyed self-studying anyway.
Her suitemate—Yoonchae—told her that she would do just fine, that she was smart.
(Sophia doesn't really believe her, but she tells Yoonchae "thank you" anyways.)
Sophia spends the days counting down until she has to take her final.
Friday. December 12th. 8am.
Classes had ended a week prior (giving students ample time to study for their finals), so Sophia has been trying to manage her time wisely. It's hard not having a schedule everyday.
(Maybe that's why she feels so unbalanced.)
Every day she's waiting, she wakes up later. From 8:30 to 9:00 to 9:30. The library starts to get crowded and stuffy, so she spends her mornings studying in Yoonchae's room (on the floor) and her nights in the library.
Yoonchae had started to invite her friend—Megan—over. They often all studied together, and ended up eating lunch too. Yoonchae and Megan even followed her to the library by the second day they established their little group.
They would often find a table that's made for six people (since the study rooms have a time limit on booking), and sprawl out all their stuff on the table. Yoonchae would often complain that Megan's papers ended up on her side of the table, and Megan would say that her papers were drawn to the Korean girl.
(That would make Yoonchae smile bigger than she normally does
(Sophia doesn't say anything about it.))
When she looks up from her textbook and glances at Yoonchae, she sees herself in the younger girl.
Yoonchae who is a freshman pre-med student. The younger girl knows that she wants to go through the surgical path, she just doesn’t know what specialty yet. She just knows she wants to help people. She's ambitious, driven, and confident.
Everything Sophia was last year.
(Maybe that’s why they bonded so quickly.)
Sophia hopes whatever has infected her doesn't infect Yoonchae.
She lays in bed at night—thinking about all the events that have happened in college—and can't help but feel her chest tighten up.
She isn't really sure why.
She has friends, she marginally enjoys her major, and she's doing well in all her classes. Her family loves her, they even call her every night, making sure she's okay.
But, there's still a pit in her stomach.
Maybe if she had chosen a different major—don't get her wrong, biochem is fun sometimes. Maybe she should've chosen a different college—she loves LA though. Maybe her family didn't understand her all the time—they have bigger problems than just her.
Maybe, she simply just doesn't know where she's going with life. She feels like she's stuck in a forest with tall trees, like Kristoff in Frozen 2 when he's singing "Lost in the Woods" (sue her for liking Frozen). She wishes she was like her past self—excited to study biochem and wanting to become a cardiothoracic surgeon. It’s like a light in her switched off, and suddenly she’s not sure if that’s what she wants to do anymore.
It’s not like her parents are forcing her to go on this path, they just want her to be successful. Still, even if she was to go through admissions all over again, she would still choose the path she was taking. It’s stable.
But maybe, there is something else that would fulfill her.
-
It’s Thursday. December 11th. The day before her final.
Sophia chooses to go to the library as soon as it opens—she makes sure to slip a note under Yoonchae’s door letting her know.
Cold air hits her face as she exits her dorm, and she could feel shivers on her spine. She isn’t a big fan of the cold weather, the Philippines had never been cold.
She makes her way up to the fourth floor of the library, and chooses a table near the window. It isn’t busy yet, but she knows that more people will start to trickle in as the hours pass on.
Sophia takes out her thick biochemistry textbook, it has about 1200 pages (a fourth of them are not even used) and 23 chapters. Normally, she would read an online PDF copy, but with a course this rigorous, she enjoys highlighting paragraphs and writing in the margins.
As she’s reading through the chapters, it all becomes mush in her brain. The words in her textbook start merging into each other. She only had to review the last three chapters today, but she can’t help but feel unmotivated.
She lets out a heavy sigh and leans back on her chair—staring at the ceiling. The paint on the ceilings were peeling off, and there were spots that might be mold or just old water stains. She closes her eyes. Maybe she can just rest here for a while, and not worry about her final that she has to take in about twenty hours. She can feel herself almost floating there, as if she was trying to manifest the weight of everything off of her.
What startles her eyes open is the sound of a can hitting her table. She looks to the side where the sound came from and is met with a familiar figure standing there.
Daniela Avanzini. She met Daniela through Megan.
It was during the start of the semester, Yoonchae had been lost on campus and met Megan who so happened to be going to the same building as her. They had decided to grab lunch after class, and coincidentally met Sophia at the dining hall.
While there, Megan spotted Daniela sitting alone—who she said was in her dance class—and invited her to sit with them. Sophia remembers not saying much that day, but she found Daniela alluring.
From there, the four of them would sometimes grab food at the dining hall together. Oftentimes, Megan and Yoonchae would leave early—leaving her and Daniela there to eat in awkward silence. They never had much to say to each other, maybe because Sophia would avidly avoid eye contact with the Latina girl.
“Ahem.” Sophia snaps out of her gaze as Daniela clears her throat awkwardly. “You seemed like you needed a pick me up.” Sophia shifts her gaze to the can of sugar-free Redbull Daniela is pushing towards her.
“You might be right. Thank you.” Sophia opens the can in front of her, and takes a big sip out of it. She can feel the cold carbonation go down her throat in an uncomfortable way. She almost cringes at the feeling, but she doesn’t want to seem ungrateful—free caffeine is always welcomed.
“Mind if I join you? You seem like you need a study buddy.” Sophia snorts at the word "study buddy” but nods anyway. Maybe it would be good to study with someone else other than Yoonchae and Megan.
Sophia clears her sprawled out notes that are in front of the seat Daniela has chosen to sit down in, and moves her laptop to the side to get a better look at her.
She tries to go back to reading her textbook again, but can’t help but feel eyes watching her. She glances up to see Daniela staring at her—in a way where she was trying to figure Sophia out.
“What are you studying?” Daniela sparks a conversation for a second time that day.
“Biochem, just the last few chapters. You know, like advanced metabolism, thermodynamics, and whatever.” Sophia knows Daniela doesn’t really understand what she’s studying, but she feels the need to tell her anyway.
Daniela snorts at her response. “That sounds hard.” Sophia tilts her head to the side and shrugs her shoulders. “It isn’t when you study.”
“Fair enough.”
Sophia lets a beat pass between them. She isn’t sure if she should continue the conversation or what she should even say next. However, her mouth moves faster than her brain.
“What do you have to study for?” She could see the slight surprise in Daniela’s eyes. She could tell she wasn’t expecting her to continue talking.
“Just my accounting final. I’ve finished all my other finals already.” Sophia forgets that the Latina is minoring in accounting. She’s really only seen her on stage when she went to the dance show Megan was a part of.
“Seems fun.” Daniela chuckles lightly. “Yep, I find balance sheets very fun to look at.” Sophia doesn’t really know what Daniela is talking about, but she snorts anyway.
“When’s your final?” Daniela asks as she puts her hair up in a bun. “Tommorow morning, at eight.” Daniela nods and fiddles with a pencil between her fingers. “I have an exam that time tomorrow too. We should walk together.”
“Isn’t your building far from mine?” Sophia is pretty sure the business building isn’t very close to the life sciences building (where her test is being held). “My exam isn’t in the business building, my professor’s weird and is holding it in the math building.”
Sophia is a bit suspicious at Daniela’s reasoning but she nods anyway. It would be nice to walk with someone before entering her impending doom.
They study in silence after that, and surprisingly Sophia hasn’t felt a pressure on her chest at all. She’s able to get through her textbook easily, and understand all the concepts. It’s 8pm when Sophia notices Daniela packing up.
“I’m finished here. I’ll see you at 7:30 tomorrow? I’ll wait at your dorm.” Sophia doesn’t question how Daniela knows where she lives. She just assumes Megan’s told her.
“Sure, see you then.” She watches as Daniela leaves, and takes the elevator down. She waits ten minutes before packing up herself—not wanting to awkwardly bump into Daniela.
She enters her dark dorm room at exactly 8:24pm. She can feel the ache in her shoulders that's forming from staring down at her textbook for too long. Her stuff gets thrown on the ground besides her desk, and she grabs her clothes to take a shower.
She’s about to step into the bathroom, when she hears a sharp ring on her table. She sees the contact on her phone—Mom—and picks up almost immediately.
“Hi, mom.”
“Hi, anak. How are you?”
“I’m doing good, just about to shower. Did you need something?” Sophia can feel that something is off with the tone in her mom’s voice. She just couldn’t pinpoint what it was.
“I wanted to tell you that we aren’t flying you home this winter break. I know you really wanted to come home, but everything is so chaotic here. You know how it is, with your brother's school and now that we're renovating the house.”
Sophia could feel her heart drop. She had been homesick all semester, and she was looking forward to coming home. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t come home. Her mom’s reasoning didn’t make sense.
“What do you mean? How does that relate to me not being able to come home?”
“You just can’t. Some things can’t be fully explained, Sophia. We’ll fly you home during spring break. Me and your father will come visit you next week.”
Her mom quickly ends the call after that. Sophia lets the silence fill the room, she feels the pressure on her chest again. Technically, Sophia is a grown up, and can book her own flight. However, she still has no money to do so. She lets her mom’s words replay in the back of her head.
She stands in the middle of her room, her phone forgotten on the table. She can feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she thinks about how she’ll spend Christmas alone.
A knock on her bathroom door pulls her out of her thoughts.
“Sophia? Can I come in?” She hears Yoonchae from the other side. It isn’t uncommon for the younger girl to knock on her door when she wants to hang out.
Sophia quickly dries her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie. “Yeah. Did you need something?” She turns around to face Yoonchae as the girl steps inside. She could tell Yoonchae wanted to say something, but immediately stopped when she took sight of Sophia.
“Have you been crying? Your eyes are a bit red.” Sophia didn’t think Yoonchae would be able to tell through the dim light of her lamp. “No, I think I’ve been just staring at my computer for too long.” Sophia rubs her eyes again—trying to get rid of the redness.
“Okay…anyways. I’m leaving after my final tomorrow. I thought I’d tell you.” She could tell Yoonchae isn’t fully convinced, but she doesn’t push otherwise.
“Okay, I’ll see you after break then?” Sophia steps forward, and pulls the younger girl into a loose hug. “When are you leaving?” Sophia freezes a little. She doesn’t want to worry Yoonchae.
“The day after.” She gives Yoonchae a tight squeeze before letting go. The Korean girl shortly leaves back to her room again.
An hour later, Sophia is in bed preparing to go to sleep. She doesn’t want to think tonight—she might fully cry if she thinks tonight. She quickly sets her alarm, and plays a show on her laptop as background noise to fall asleep.
Sophia wakes up to her alarm blaring at her. She checks the time to see it's 7:00am, and she needs to start getting ready.
She can already feel a headache coming—her head feels inflated.
She finishes getting ready at 7:25, just in time to where Daniela texts her that she’s waiting outside
As she exits her dorm, she spots the curly-haired girl with two cups of coffee in her hand. Daniela noticed her as soon as she walked out.
“I didn’t really know what your coffee order was, so I just got a latte for you.” This is the second time in a week Daniela brings Sophia something. She needs to remember to repay her back later.
“This is more than enough. Thank you, Dani.” She takes the latte out of Daniela’s hand and takes a sip. The warmthness of the drink starts to soothe the headache that had been forming since she woke up.
They walk in silence to Sophia building—with the occasional laughing at cute squirrels on the sidewalk. Sophia feels a sort of fuzziness in her chest while standing side-by-side with Daniela. She can’t really pinpoint why, just that maybe she feels comfortable with her—even after all the awkward small talk.
“Well, this is you.” Daniela stops in her tracks in front of the life sciences building. “Good luck on your exam, I know you’ll kill it.” She gives Sophia a small but genuine smile.
“Good luck on your exam too.” Sophia returns a smile.
“I actually don’t have one. I lied.” Sophia takes a moment to process what Daniela said, and furrows her brows. Before she could say anything back, the younger girl continued.
“Yesterday, Yoonchae asked Megan to check up on you in the library, but Megan was lazy. She texted me instead.” Sophia was confused.
“Why did you offer to walk me this morning then?” Daniela had checked up on Sophia, and she assumes that she updated Megan who updated Yoonchae last night.
“Maybe I just wanted to walk with you. You seemed like you needed it.” Daniela shrugs her shoulders like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Doesn’t that mean you're finished with your exams? You didn’t have to do all of that.” Sophia felt something bloom in her chest. Today was the last day of exams for everyone.
“Yeah, but I live close by anyways. My apartment’s right across the street basically.” Sophia is stunned—not only did Daniela not have any more exams, but she also lives off campus.
Daniela checks the time on her phone, while Sophia is trying to find the right words to say.
“Look, it’s almost time for you to take your exam. You should walk inside.” Daniela slightly pushes her towards the door of the building.
“Thank you.” Sophia manages to breathe out before Daniela starts walking away.
“Anytime, Sophia.”
-
During winter break, Sophia stops responding to everyone. Maybe it’s because the empty campus makes her feel empty. Maybe it’s because this is the first time she’s ever been truly alone.
On the first week of break, she got all of her final grades back. All classes had been A’s except her biochemistry class. She ended with a B plus—which was still good—but she couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed.
She calls her mom that day to tell her—hoping she would get some sort of reaction from her. However, all she said was “It’s okay Sophia, we know college is hard”.
(She would’ve preferred it if her mom yelled at her instead.)
She spends her day lazing around in her dorm. She misses the faint music she would hear in the restroom that would come out of Yoonchae’s room. It’s quiet now, which drives her a bit insane.
She picks up Grey’s Anatomy, while bored on the third day of break.
(She knows it isn’t accurate, but the drama is good—and she couldn’t stop watching it on Tiktok.)
By day five, she’s three seasons in and on the episode “Drowning on Dry Land”. Sophia sees a bit of herself in Meredith, it almost brings her to tears when she witnesses the surgeon give up on swimming and decides to drown.
Sophia stares intently at the show, watching how all the surgeons are trying to revive Meredith. She feels her chest tighten even more as she’s told that Meredith is a great swimmer.
“She knows how to swim. She’s a good swimmer.”
Sophia understands Meredith. In some ways, she feels like that. On the edge of life and death, would she give up or would she continue swimming? Sophia doesn’t know what she’d choose. Maybe she would also choose to drown, letting the weight of the world fully press on her as she descended into the ocean.
A blaring ringtone makes her jump and pause the show. Annoyed because she was just at the good part, she checks the contact. It’s Yoonchae, she hadn’t spoken to the girl since the day before her last final.
She lets the phone ring until it’s silent again. She had put her phone on ‘do not disturb’ as soon as her last final ended. She opens her message app to see if Yoonchae had texted her.
Yoonchip ☀️
Tues, Dec 16, at 10:52 PM
hey soph, hows break?
korea’s been nice
Wed, Dec 17 at 12:07 AM
are you okay?
normally you text back fast
Yesterday at 9:35 AM
hello?
at least respond so i know you’re okay.
Today at 1:23 PM
i’m calling you, please pick up.
Missed Call from Yoonchip ☀️ at 1:24 PM
Missed Call from Yoonchip ☀️ at 1:26 PM
Sophia felt bad, she didn’t really mean to ignore Yoonchae. She just needed time away from everything. She still doesn’t feel the motivation to respond. Her fingers feel sluggish, and she wouldn’t even know what to say. She stares at the chat for a while, until she sees three dots pop up again.
Yoonchip ☀️
Today 1:30 PM
you’ve read my messages.
please respond.
i also see your location, you’re still at the dorms…
why?
Sophia forgets that she and Yoonchae share their locations with each other. The younger girl first suggested it as a way to keep each other safe if needed. Now it’s biting Sophia back. Sophia almost puts her phone down again, but then she feels it buzz again.
Mei Mei 🍒
Today at 1:34 PM
ur worrying yoonch, r u okay?
at least say something to her
Of course Yoonchae would tell Megan too. Sophia can feel the pressure on her chest flare up again—she thought it finally went away. During the five days of break here, the only time she truly felt it was when she called her mom on the first day. Still, she decides to ignore the texts.
She goes back to her show, which makes time go by quickly. It’s already dark outside by the time she finishes the third season. She wasn’t sure what to eat today. She’s been walking off campus to get food, since it’s the only area where places are open.
Maybe she should DoorDash food today. The darkness of the night made her feel tired. She feels her phone buzz again, which annoys her this time. She almost shuts it off, until she sees who the message is from.
Mom 💗
Today at 7:45 PM
Sorry anak, we can’t visit next week. Maybe the week after?
Sophia feels empty when she reads the message. She doesn’t even know how to react. Anger? Confusion? Acceptance? The pressure in her chests somehow gets heavier than before—she almost can’t breathe.
Me
Today at 7:48 PM
It’s okay, Mom. Thank you for trying.
She quickly shuts off her phone after that. If she hears another buzz, she might go crazy. She decides that she needs to keep herself busy.
She spends the night finishing as much Grey’s Anatomy as she could, and playing merge games on her phone. It was therapeutic, by the time she was falling asleep she felt lighter than she did before.
-
Sophia is woken up by a loud and urgent knock on her door. The type of knock that jolted you awake to think someone has died.
She checks her clock to see it’s half past three in the morning. It’s suspicious someone has come knocking—campus is supposed to be empty.
Quietly, she gets out of bed and tiptoes to the door. She looks through the small peephole, and sees a very impatient Daniela waiting there.
She was shocked, Daniela lives in San Diego, which is about a two hour drive away from LA.
The curly-haired girl had her arms crossed and brows furrowed—like she was almost annoyed to be there. She was wearing an oversized hoodie, and grey sweatpants. Her hair was tousled around, and there was tiredness in her eyes.
She takes a deep breath, and slowly opens the door—bracing herself for what Daniela is about to say.
“We’re worried sick you know! Yoonchae wouldn’t stop calling Megan, who wouldn’t stop calling me. They think you’re lying in a ditch, dead.” Daniela invites herself in, pushing past Sophia.
“Yoonchae said she noticed you hadn’t left by the second day, but she just thought you were leaving later. And then you never left! Megan was supposed to come, but she’s in Hawaii right now visiting family.” Daniela is almost pulling her hair out with her hands. She starts pacing around the room, which makes Sophia dizzy.
Sophia could feel the pressure building up on her chest. Slowly, as Daniela kept talking, it became harder to breathe.
“I was wondering why they were calling me at 12am, they said that your phone was fully shut off. Their calls weren't even going through anymore!” Daniela wasn’t shouting, not exactly. She was more so scolding her like she just punched a kid at recess.
Daniela stops pacing and takes a real good look at Sophia.
“Are you okay?” That’s when the dam broke. Sophia could feel tears flooding out her eyes without permission. She didn’t cry loudly, it was silent with a heavy weight. Sophia was trying to breathe in slowly, trying to capture every breath of air she could.
“I’m sorry.” She manages to say in a tiny voice. She could hear Daniela let out a sigh of relief. Daniela slowly walks towards Sophia, scared she’ll run out the door.
“Can I hug you?” If it was a different situation, Sophia would’ve giggled at the ask of permission. However, she felt a warmth in her chest that Daniela asked. She nodded—maybe even too quickly.
Daniela brings her arms around Sophia, and hugs her with tight pressure. Sophia could feel herself starting to be able to fully breathe again—the pressure Daniela was giving was helping her. She tentatively wraps her arms around the shorter girl, and buried her face into her neck. It’s awkward and hurts her neck a little bit, but she feels safe.
They stay like that for a while—until Sophia stops crying. She can tell Daniela’s shoulder is damp with her tears.
“I’m sorry for worrying you guys.” It’s almost comedical how quick Sophia folds. She was preparing to just come up with some excuse on why she was ignoring everyone.
It’s awkward when they pull apart. Sophia fiddles with her fingers out of nervousness while Daniela stares at her.
“Why are you still here?” Daniela tentatively said, not wanting to cause more harm than good.
“Parents couldn’t fly me out. I had nowhere else to stay.” Sophia stares down at the floor, not wanting to make direct eye contact with Daniela.
“I see. Let me stay with you tonight. It’s late and you seem like you want company.” Sophia’s glad Daniela doesn’t push further, but she’s also nervous at the idea of Daniela staying.
“Okay. But we’re going to have to squish on my twin-sized bed.” She hears Daniela give a light chuckle. “That’s fine.”
Sophia doesn’t really know how they’ll both fit comfortably, they would both probably have to be cuddling. She can feel the heat rise up to her cheek at the thought of that idea.
Either way, she guides Daniela to her bed. She takes time to look at her clock to see that it’s now 4:15.
They get into bed—awkwardly—with Daniela as close to the wall as she could go, and Sophia almost falling off the bed.
“Scoot closer, I’m not gonna bite. You’re literally about to fall off.” Sophia feels flustered, her heart is hammering in her chest. She scoots a few centimeters close to Daniela, still trying to preserve some sort of space in between them.
It’s not until Daniela gets annoyed and grabs her waist to pull her even closer. Sophia lets out a noise of embarrassment, and suddenly she could feel everything.
The warmth from Daniela’s hand on her waist, the way they’re breathing at the same rate, and the way her heart is beating even faster now.
“Sleep, we’ll talk more tomorrow.” Sophia tries, but there’s too much in her mind.
Why did Daniela choose to come here? She didn’t have to. Was Yoonchae mad at her? She doesn’t know how Yoonchae will react when she comes back.
She wonders who she’ll spend Christmas with. It’s not like her parents are flying over during that time. They might even miss her birthday.
The more Sophia thinks, the more she could feel the pressure on her chest press on her again. She isn’t sure why it always comes back.
“You think too loud, I can’t sleep.”
That snaps Sophia out of her head.
“Sorry.” Daniela shifts even closer and makes eye contact with Sophia. “Do you want to talk about it?” Sophia shakes her head. There isn’t even much to talk about, she was just creating problems for herself.
“Is there anything I can do then?” Sophia thinks about it for a beat. She isn’t really sure what will help her. Maybe she needs something to distract her mind. Before she can really think about it too hard, she replies.
“Can you just—speak about whatever. I just need something to distract me.” She sees the sincerity in Daniela’s eyes. The shorter girl looks at her like she’s about to break any second now.
“Okay.” Sophia scoots closer again, by this point they are cuddling. Sophia tucks her head into Daniela’s neck again, while the younger girl holds her even tighter.
“I went shopping with Manon today. I’m not sure if you know her, but her girlfriend is friends with Megan. You know Lara?” Sophia nods slightly. She’s heard of Lara through Megan a couple of times.
“We got these really cute matching Christmas pajamas ‘cause they were on sale. Also, in the mall, they were having this adoption pop up—“ Sophia could feel her eyelids get heavier as Daniela kept talking.
“—all the dogs were so cute, I really almost considered adopting one. But then Manon reminded me that I couldn’t take it to my apartment up here.” Sophia quickly fell asleep after that.
“Sweet dreams, Soph.”
-
Sophia wakes up to the sun in her eyes. It takes her a moment to remember the events that had happened last night. She opens her eyes to see an empty space next to her, and turns her body around to see Daniela sitting on her chair next to her bed—staring at her. She isn’t even sure how the shorter girl managed to get out of bed without waking up Sophia.
“Morning.” Sophia cringed at her morning voice.
“Good morning.” Daniela gives her a small smile.
“Were you staring at me?” She can see Daniela get a bit flustered at the question. However, she masks it easily.
“Just making sure you didn’t die in your sleep.” Sophia sits up in her bed and stretches her back. This is the first time during break where she didn’t feel tired waking up.
“You could’ve left, you know. It’s not like anyone would break in if you left the door unlocked.” Sophia already feels guilty at the fact that Daniela had to drive here during the middle of the night. She didn’t have to wait until Sophia awakened to leave.
“Yoonchae would’ve killed me if she found out I left you. Plus, if you’re up for it—” Daniela took a quick pause, nervous about giving her offer. “—you can come with me. To San Diego?” Whatever Sophia was expecting Daniela to say, it was not that. She can feel her heart beating again, she’s not sure if she should accept her offer.
“If you’re not busy of course. My parents wouldn’t mind. I could always drop you off back here before Christmas, but I know it sucks being alone here for the holidays.” Daniela extends her hand out, like she’s going to help Sophia out of bed.
Sophia takes her hand, and climbs down from her bed. The more she thinks about it, the more Daniela is right. She had been wallowing in self-pity these past five days (not including the weekend), and maybe she does need a change of pace.
(It’s not like her parents are coming for Christmas anyways.
(She doesn’t tell Daniela that, not yet.))
Maybe it’s a bit weird to go to your friend’s friend's house on a whim, but Sophia considers Daniela as her friend now. Especially after all the events that have taken place up to this moment.
“Sure, I’ll come with you, you just have to let me pack some stuff.” Sophia smiled for the first time that week. A genuine smile.
As she gets ready and packs her stuff, Daniela speaks up again.
“I’ll go get my car from student parking, and wait outside. Just come down when you’re done.” Sophia nods, and walks Daniela to the door.
She decides that she doesn’t want to make Daniela wait, so she packs quickly. Just the essentials really; her toothbrush, skin care, some clothes, and her laptop. She’s all set by the time Daniela pulls her car up.
She quickly makes sure all the lights are off, and locks the door as she exits. She makes her way down the stairs (her dorm’s elevators are always broken), and walks up to the red Mustang. The trunk is small—Sophia’s glad she doesn’t have much stuff, and tries her best to fit her duffle bag in it.
They don’t say much on the drive, the silence is filled with music coming from Daniela’s radio. By the one hour mark on their trip, they stop by a gas station to pick up some snacks and drinks.
“Let me pay please, you’ve already done a lot for me.” Sophia says as they’re heading to the counter. The younger girl decides not to argue with her, which makes Sophia grateful.
They’re back on the road again after their short stop, and as Sophia sees they’re entering San Diego, her chest feels lighter. The pressure she held was almost gone.
She wonders why that only really happens around Daniela. She doesn’t really understand why she always feels comfortable around her.
As they pull up to Daniela’s driveway, Sophia gets a bit nervous. Daniela did say that her family was fine with the older girl staying, but she still can’t help but feel like she’s intruding.
“I can feel your worry from here. You’ll be fine, my parents don’t care.” Sophia turns to face Daniela. Somehow the girl always knew her emotions. “Sorry, it just feels like you’re taking in a stray dog.” Daniela laughed at that comment—a real loud laugh.
“If you think about it that way, sure.” Daniela steps out of the car and opens her trunk. She grabs Sophia’s stuff and starts making her way to the front door. The Filipina quickly scurries to catch up with Daniela.
“I can carry my stuff.” She tugs on the bag that's slinged over the shorter girl’s shoulder. “You’re my guest, let me take care of it.” Daniela gives her a smile and unlocks the door.
“Daniela! Welcome back. How’s your friend?” A man greets them—Sophia assumes it’s Daniela’s father. He tilts his head to the side to look at Sophia. “Oh, you must be Sophia. Come in. Make yourself comfortable. I’m Daniela’s dad.” He sticks his hand out for Sophia to shake, and gives her a wide grin.
“Thank you, Mr. Avanizini, for letting me stay here.” Sophia takes his hand and gives it a gentle shake. “Nonsense, a friend to Dani is a friend to us.” He ushers her deeper into the house.
Sophia can smell the aroma of someone cooking in the kitchen. It makes her feel warm and fuzzy—and makes her miss her own home in the Philippines. She sees who she presumes is Daniela’s mom. The older woman is humming slightly to a song Sophia doesn’t recognize as she stirs a big pot of food. It isn’t until she turns around to face Sophia—who awkwardly waves at her.
“Oh! You must be Dani’s friend, come sit. I just finished making ropa vieja. You must be hungry after that long trip.” Sophia glances at Daniela who is still talking to her dad. She decides to slowly walk to the dining table, and sit down.
She can feel her hands shaking slightly from the nervousness, but it almost disintegrates as soon as Daniela’s mom puts a plate of food in front of her.
“You’re welcomed for seconds if you’re still hungry.” Daniela’s mom pats her shoulder.
“Thank you, Mrs. Avanzini.”
Sophia looks down to her plate to see a heaping serving of rice with ropa vieja, black beans, and fried plantains. She feels the warmth in the first bite, it had been a while since she’s had a home cooked meal. She could almost cry at the love she could taste in it.
“I see you’re enjoying yourself.” She hears from behind her shoulder. Daniela comes and sits down next to her at the table.
“Homemade food is hard to come by when your home is about 7,000 miles away.” Sophia doesn’t mean any harm when she says it, but she can see Daniela’s eyes soften. “You’re always welcomed here, I know it’s far—but you can tag along with me if you want next semester.” Sophia nods, as she scoops more food into her mouth.
She probably looks like she hasn’t been fed for months by the speed she finishes her plate. She gets up to take her plate to the kitchen.
“Thank you for the meal, Mrs. Avanzini. It was really good.” Daniela’s mom smiles at her. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Sophia makes her way to the sink and tries to wash her dish. As she reaches for the sponge, she feels a hand on her shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it, mija. Let me take care of it.” Sophia was about to protest, until she saw Daniela standing at the doorway to the kitchen. “Just enjoy your time here.” Sophia nods and steps aside.
“Come on, let’s go to my room.” Daniela leads Sophia up the stairs into her room. There was a sign on the door that was in bright pink letters that said “Dani’s Room <3”. Sophia smiled at the small detail.
As she walked in, she noticed that there were clothes scattered across the ground, baby pictures hung everywhere, and stuffed animals taking over her bed. The room felt comforting and lived in. The type of way that makes Sophia really think about her own room at home.
“Impressed by my room?” Daniela gives her a wide grin as she places Sophia’s bag down. “You have cute baby photos.” She could see Daniela cringe at her statement.
“Some of them bring back embarrassing memories.” She points to one that’s half hidden behind her bookshelf. “You see that one? It was a dancing competition and that ginger boy was my partner. We got interviewed and I told the camera ‘I would not want this to be my boyfriend’.”
Sophia laughs loudly at the story. The type of laugh that once scared Yoonchae awake because she could hear it from her room.
“Stop laughing, it was so embarrassing. When Manon found out, she could not stop quoting it for a whole month.” Daniela didn’t try to hide her smile. It in fact got bigger as Sophia started laughing louder.
“That’s actually so iconic of you.” Sophia manages to say as she's holding her stomach. She could feel tears forming at the corner of her eyes from laughing too much. She takes one last look at the photo before settling down on the floor next to Daniela.
“I never really said it, but thank you for inviting me. It was getting kinda stuffy in the dorms.” Sophia pulls her knees to her chest and looks to the side of her. “You should’ve at least told Yoonchae you were staying.” Daniela makes eye contact with Sophia.
“I didn’t want to worry her or stop her from going home.” Daniela half scoffs and half snorts.
“You did worry her, by ghosting her.” Sophia turns her head to face the wall in front of her. “I know, I’ll text her soon.” The shorter girl scoots closer and rests her head on Sophia’s shoulder—which makes her heart beat faster than usual. She can feel the warmth radiating from Daniela’s skin.
“Don’t worry about it. I texted her that you were okay, and that you were just being a bit emo. You can take your time responding to her.” Sophia chuckles at her comment.
They sit there in silence for a while. Sophia slowly lays her head on top of Daniela’s. She takes in the environment around her. She feels safe here, and the moment feels so fragile—she’s afraid it might shatter.
She can feel her eyelids get heavy as she basks in Daniela’s warmth. She can hear the younger girl breathing steady—like she’s already asleep. She can feel her shoulders slump—just a tiny bit—as she feels herself getting more tired. She continues to listen to Daniela’s even breath, and the hum of the fan above them.
She lets out a heavy sigh of contentment, and lets her eyes fully shut. As she relaxes even more, sleep finally takes her.
-
The next few days were a bit of a blur to Sophia. She and Daniela spent the days watching movies on the TV, baking Christmas cookies, and Sophia even helped Daniela clean her room.
It’s selfish to admit, but Sophia doesn’t want to go back. She’s enjoyed her time here. Daniela doesn’t question why Sophia hasn’t asked to be driven back yet. She can tell the shorter girl is tiptoeing around her with the subject.
It isn’t until Christmas Eve when Sophia gets another call from her mom. She braces herself before she picks up the phone—she can already feel light pressure coming back to her chest. It had been days since she’s felt it.
(She almost forgot what it felt like.)
“Hi Sophia. How have you been?”
“I’ve been fine, ma. Happy Christmas Eve.”
“Happy Christmas Eve, anak. Me and your father miss you.”
“I miss you too.” Sophia feels the pressure in her chest rising.
“I hate to break this news to you, but we can’t come next week either. I’m sorry we have to miss your birthday. We’ll try to come down in January.”
There’s the news Sophia was hoping not to receive. She couldn’t even find it in herself to scream and shout—she felt herself shut down. She felt like the wall between her and her parents was pushing on her even harder.
“It’s—It’s okay, mom. Thank you for letting me know.” Sophia quickly hangs up after that. She doesn’t think she can handle hearing more of her mom’s voice.
Sophia quickly looks around her. She had excused herself to Daniela’s room when she received the call. The space was too opened—too vulnerable. She needed somewhere that was small, where she could contain her emotions.
She makes her way to Daniela’s bathroom, knees bucking as soon as she closes the door. She slides down the sink cabinet and brings her knees to her chest.
Her tears started falling freely, as she was trying to gasp for air. Her sobs only got louder as she stayed on the floor—it was getting impossible to breathe now. The weight on her chest has gotten unbearable—to the point where it physically hurts.
She doesn’t know how long she's been crying for, but there was no indication of her stopping. She felt like it was childish, she was an adult. She could go a year without celebrating her birthday with her family.
(Secretly, she knows it isn’t just about her birthday.)
Maybe she should’ve focused on getting a job so she could fly herself home. Maybe if she was smarter she could’ve not worried so much about her studies. Maybe she should’ve just chosen a college near home.
Maybe—
She could feel herself gasping for air. She could barely—no, couldn’t—breath. She felt herself getting lightheaded.
Maybe this is what Meredith felt like as she was drowning underwater.
She hears something knock beside her—she can’t make out the voice that comes from the other side of the door. Her ears feel like they’re muffled. Sophia doesn’t register that someone is talking to her, until she feels pressure on her knee.
She almost jolts at the sudden contact, and looks to where the hand is coming from. Her eyes are still blurry from the tears, but she notices the big curls next to her. She tries to talk to the person next to her, trying to signal that she was fine.
“I—” Sophia chokes on her words, but she tries again. “I can’t—” She can’t breathe.
She can’t breathe, and the person next to her probably thinks she’s crazy. Realistically, she knows it’s Daniela, but she can’t make out her voice. She feels one hand pressing on her shoulder, and another cupping her cheek.
She can start to make out Daniela’s face as the younger girl wipes her tears away. Her lips are moving, but Sophia can only catch some of it.
“Sophia—with me—” She can feel Daniela guide one of her hands to press on her heartbeat. She can feel how the Latina girl’s heartbeat is slow and steady. She tries to match the pace of it with her breath.
“Yeah, like that. Two seconds in, four seconds out.” She can hear Daniela more clearly now, there’s still a ringing in her ear—but it’s faint.
“I’m here. You’re safe.” Sophia can feel her hands slowly come up to try to hug Daniela. She needed something to ground her fully. The shorter girl immediately understood, and wrapped her arms around Sophia.
Sophia could tell they were in a bit of an awkward position. Her knees are still close to her chest, as Daniela is trying to hug her as tight as she could.
After what felt like another thirty minutes, she felt herself being able to breathe comfortably again. She slightly pulls away from Daniela—wanting to get in a more comfortable position. She quickly puts her knees down, and pulls Daniela back in.
She buries her head into her neck, and breathes in the lavender scent that's coming from the girl. She can feel Daniela carding her fingers through her hair, and whispering affirmations to her.
“You’re okay. You’re safe.” Sophia could feel her shoulders slump more. She feels tired now. They lay there for a little longer—Daniela humming in her ear and slightly rocking them from side to side. Sophia almost falls asleep when she hears Daniela speak up.
“Do you think you could stand up? I know my bed will be more comfortable.” Sophia nods slightly, and pulls away. She mourns the contact, but knows Daniela is right.
Daniela stands up first and holds her hand out for Sophia to grab. The older girl takes it, but almost slips as she’s coming up—legs still weak from being on the ground for so long. Daniela quickly gets a hold of Sophia’s waist, and guides her to the bed.
Sophia feels herself getting settled down first, before feeling the bed dip in front of her.
“Did you want to talk about it?” Sophia shakes her head, her emotions are still too raw. She wouldn’t even know where to start.
“Okay, can I hold you?” Sophia nods, it felt good being held by Daniela. She could breathe easier in her arms.
Daniela comes closer and loops one arm around Sophia's neck and the other around her waist. Sophia is quick to bury her face into the crook of Daniela’s neck and brings her arms around her. She can feel Daniela lightly scratching her scalp—which soothes her even more.
Sophia could feel herself drifting into sleep, comforted by Daniela’s presence.
“Sleep, Soph. You need it. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
-
Sophia wakes up tired, with her head pounding—but she feels safe. She opens her eyes and takes a moment to glance around, trying to remember what happened.
She also realizes it’s Christmas day, the day where everything is supposed to be festive and jolly. She looks at the alarm clock that sits on Daniela’s desk—it’s 8:34am.
Normally during Christmas, her family would barge into her room at 5:00am and have to drag her out of bed so they could open presents. They would then spend the day cooking with each other, and eating delicious foods. Her extended family would come over, and they would party until the sun rose the next day.
Sophia somewhat finds solace in the quiet Christmas morning; it’s not what she’s used to, but she doesn’t mind it. She slightly wiggles away from Daniela’s hold to get a better look of the girl. She’s still asleep, with her hair tousled everywhere and her mouth slightly opened.
(Maybe, Sophia wouldn’t mind waking up to this everyday.)
She can feel her heartbeat pick up lightly, her cheeks dusted with pink. She raises her hand to Daniela’s face, brushing the curls away from her eyes. She takes a moment to really study her face: her sharp jawline, her mole that rests above her left eyebrow, the way her eyes twitch slightly in her sleep.
Sophia thinks Daniela is one of the most beautiful girls she’s ever met. They haven’t known each other for long, but she feels a pull towards her.
Before Sophia could think too hard again, Daniela starts shifting around. She freezes, not sure if she should pretend to be asleep or greet her when she wakes up. She decides on the latter option, it might be too late to pretend to be asleep.
“Morning.” Sophia could tell her voice was hoarse from crying the night before. She watches as Daniela slowly opens her eyes and looks at Sophia.
“Morning, how’d you sleep?” Daniela shifts around again, trying to get into a comfortable position.
“Fine, head hurts a bit though. Sorry for last night.” Sophia is already cringing at the memory. She feels Daniela lightly slapping her shoulder, chastising her.
“Don’t apologize. I’m just glad you’re okay now. Do you want to talk about it?” Sophia shifts to where she’s laying flat on her back and staring at the ceiling fan.
“There’s not even much to talk about.” Sophia pauses for a minute. She can see Daniela giving her full attention, staring at her intently. “I have good parents, I have good grades, I have good friends. I’m just making problems that aren’t there.” Sophia could feel her shoulders tense up.
“Sure, it hurts when my parents don’t show up or fail to show they care. But they have to take care of my brothers too—and either way I chose to go to school across the country.” Sophia takes a deep breath in, trying to steady herself.
“I’ve felt this pressure in my chest, almost every moment I’m awake. It doesn’t go away, it just lingers—like a monster waiting to come out.” She can feel her hands shaking now. “Sometimes, I lie in bed and think about all the decisions I’ve made over the two years in college. I think that, maybe—just maybe—I can let go and let myself drown.” She closes her eyes for a moment.
“But every time I think that, I get scared—and if I‘m scared, then I do have something to breathe for. But it’s so damn hard to do so.” Her whole body is shaking now, but tears don’t come out. This is the first time Sophia completely lays all of her emotions out.
She can feel Daniela lacing their hands together, and rubbing the back of her palm with her thumb. Sophia looks to the side and sees Daniela lock eyes with her. The girl had nothing but love and admiration in her eyes.
“You don’t have to breathe alone.” She can hear Daniela whisper, as she feels her hand getting squeezed. “It’s the only way I know—not wanting to burden anyone.” Sophia can tell her voice is vulnerable and soft.
“I can help you, if you just let me. All of us can. Yoonchae, Megan, they will help you.” Sophia believes her this time. The way Daniela’s voice is sincere and gentle, the way her grip is firm in Sophia’s hand, the way she’s looking at her like everything will be okay.
“Okay, I’ll try. Thank you.” Sophia shifts to where she’s able to hug Daniela.
“That’s all I ask.”
They lay there for a moment, in each other’s embrace. Until a knock breaks through the soft trace.
“Girls it's Christmas, get ready. Family’s coming soon!” Daniela’s mom is clear and loud from the other side of the door, making both of the girls giggle softly.
They both get ready quickly, not wanting to make Daniela’s mom wait. When Sophia arrives down stairs, she can already hear music playing from the TV, family chatting, and little kids running around the halls.
“Sorry it’s a bit chaotic.” She hears Daniela from behind her. “It’s perfect. My family is loud too.” She gives Daniela a crooked smile—one with teeth.
Sophia enjoys her time with Daniela’s family. She participates in the family traditions the family has, eats incredible tasting food, and even talks with some of the extended family members. She feels all warm and fuzzy inside, like this is where she’s supposed to be.
“Alright, it’s time for presents.” Sophia could hear Daniela’s dad shout out. Everyone gathers in the living room, near the nine foot tree that stands there. Sophia settles on the couch—squishing herself between the armrest and Daniela’s body.
She knows she isn’t receiving any presents. She already came here basically uninvited—her being able to stay here was the present itself. She finds joy in watching Daniela’s face light up with every present she opens. She finds it cute how the younger girl showed her first as she unwrapped each present.
The party starts to die down after that. The kids are playing with their new toys, while the adults are lightly chatting amongst themselves. Sophia can’t help but feel light, she was surrounded by so much love—even if Daniela’s family barely knew her.
Daniela looks over to Sophia, noticing the smile that rests on her face. The older girl feels her grabbing her wrist, and taking her back upstairs. Sophia was confused, maybe Daniela was feeling tired or something.
“I didn’t want to give this in front of everyone. I didn’t want you to feel pressured.” Sophia watches as Daniela takes out a small gift box from the inside of her nightstand drawer. It’s wrapped with precision, and has a cute pastel purple bow on top.
“You shouldn’t have. I feel bad now, I didn’t get you a gift.” Sophia accepts the gift from Daniela’s hands and fiddles with the bow on top.
“Just open it.” Daniela rolls her eyes, but there’s a softness to it.
Sophia gently takes off the bow, and opens the gift—taking off one piece of tape at a time.
“Of course you would open it like that.” Sophia chuckles at Daniela’s comment. She just didn’t want to ruin whatever was inside.
She’s met with a small cardboard box that has a little opening on top. She opens it to see a keychain shaped as an anchor. It’s silver and smooth. Sophia turns it around to see her name enraged into the shank.
“It reminded me of you.” Sophia turns to Daniela, and gives her the widest smile she could manage.
“I love it, thank you.” She wraps her arms around the shorter girl, giving her a big bear hug.
“You’re welcome.”
-
After Christmas, Sophia is reminded that her birthday is coming up. She gets a little notification from her phone calendar that says “My day!!!”. She’s not exactly looking forward to it this year, she isn’t with her family.
It’s the day before, when she gets a text from her mom.
Mom 💗
Today at 2:00 PM
Happy birthday, Sophia! We’re sad we can’t be with you, but we hope you have a good day ♥️
She forgets that the Philippines is sixteen hours ahead. Sophia isn’t quite as bitter as she was before. Maybe she's come to find peace with her parents not being here.
(Or maybe something else has been distracting her from it.)
Me
Today at 2:01 PM
Thank you, Mom. Miss you!
Sophia doesn’t linger too long on the message. She decides to spend the day like she’s been doing. With Daniela. She doesn’t want to tell the girl it’s her birthday tomorrow, she feels like there would be pity on her.
She decides to distract herself from the thought of it. She suggests more movies to Daniela as soon as they finish one, she makes two batches of blondies in the kitchen, and she even starts looking at her next semester classes syllabus.
“Something’s up with you.” She can feel Daniela’s presence behind her as she’s working on her third batch of blondies.
“I don’t know what you mean.” Sophia starts mixing harder in the bowl. She can feel Daniela step even closer—her warm breath near her neck.
“No sane person would make three batches of blondies while watching every Christmas movie on the planet. What’s wrong?” Daniela rests her hands on Sophia’s waist, grounding her.
“My birthday’s tomorrow, and I’m using blondies to cope with it.” Sophia slows down her mixing and stares at the ingredients in the bowl.
“You should’ve told me. I would’ve helped you in your self pity.” Sophia cracks a smile at her comment. “You would’ve burned them.” Daniela smiles back at her.
“You’re not alone. Don’t forget that.” She places a hand on Sophia’s wrist. “And after this, no more blondies, Soph. We can go out and do something.” Sophia looks at the two pans besides the bowl.
Maybe she did go a bit overkill.
She quickly finished up the last batch, almost proud of the blondie army she’s made.
“What do you usually do on your birthday?” Sophia takes her time to think about it, before shrugging her shoulders a bit.
“I spend it with my family, just a low-key lunch. And of course it ends with cake.” Daniela hummed as she cut into the first tray of blondies, wanting to try it. Sophia watches her as she takes a bite, and saw her face light up.
“Soph, these are amazing. Oh my gosh.” Sophia lightly blushes from the compliment, and hands her hands behind her back.
“It’s nothing.”
“You gotta give me the recipe.” Sophia giggles as Daniela takes another slide of blondie and pops it in her mouth.
“I can just make it for you whenever, Dani.” It was Daniela’s turn to blush. The red creeping from her neck to her cheeks.
“Yeah.”
-
The morning of her birthday, she wasn’t expecting to wake up to anything. That’s not until she could hear someone—Daniela—singing happy birthday to her as she’s just waking up.
She opens her eyes to see the shorter girl standing there with a cake that had “Happy 20th Birthday Sophia!”, with candles that were lit. Sophia feels a bit disheveled but she can’t help but laugh at the situation.
“—Happy Birthday to you.” Sophia can hear Daniela draw out the ‘u’ while singing, which makes her laugh even harder.
“Make a wish, Sophia.” And Sophia does. She closes her eyes, and makes a wish that’s only for herself. Once she opens her eyes again, she blows out the candles.
“You didn’t have to do this for me.” Sophia had a bright smile on her face, not being able to contain her happiness.
“I wanted to. Now c'mon birthday girl, we have fireworks to buy for tonight.” Daniela balances the cake in one hand and pulls Sophia out the bed with the other.
Sophia stumbles out of bed from the pull, almost falling down. She listens to Daniela, and quickly gets ready for the day ahead of her. Although, before they head out, Sophia makes sure to try the cake.
It’s a four layered chocolate mouse cake with raspberries on top. Sophia doesn’t even know how Daniela knew her favorite flavor of cake—maybe she asked Megan who asked Yoonchae.
They spend their time out discussing what are the best fireworks to look at.
“Personally, I like the ones that are shaped like ladybugs and fly up. My brothers get scared it’s going to land on them.” Daniela looks at her with mild disgust and mild endearment.
“You’re weird. Of course you like those.” Sophia only chuckled in response. They quickly gather all the fireworks—making sure to stay on budget—before heading back to Daniela’s house.
They spend the rest of the day watching more shows, waiting for the sky to darken. It’s 10pm when Daniela’s dad tells them to come out and bring the fireworks. Sophia could see that he was ready to start shooting them.
They set out a blanket on the driveway—so they wouldn’t get dirt on their pants—and settle down. She watches as Daniela’s dad lights a big one. She can see the bright colors that paint the sky, and she even feels the casings rain down on her.
She glances to her side, and sees that Daniela is looking up—facinated at the view above her. Sophia can’t help but feel her heart flutter.
Daniela looks beautiful like this, her hair falling down her shoulders, her mouth slightly opened with amazement.
“Thank you, for everything Dani.” She can see Daniela’s lips form into a smile.
“You’re always welcome.” Sophia feels a softness in her heart.
Daniela who had driven two hours to see if she was okay, who comforted her after her breakdown, who had bought her a cake for her birthday. Sophia felt light with her, like the pressure had dissipated ever since she started to be around her.
Maybe she was a bit in love with Daniela—but she also feels so much more than that. She feels admiration, protectiveness, trust, support. She feels like Daniela is the fresh air of breath she so desperately needed at the start of winter.
Sophia decides that she needs to take a leap of faith.
“And maybe, when we get back—I can take you on a date?” Sophia turns to face Daniela, looking for a reaction.
She can feel Daniela intertwining their fingers, as she scoots closer so their arms are pressed up against each other. Sophia can feel Daniela’s warm breath just centimeters away from her. She feels a tight squeeze on her hand, and Daniela brings it up to kiss the backside of her palm.
“I’d like that.”
And suddenly, whatever small pressure she felt left fully dissipated into the night sky.
Who knows what or who we choose
Right now I’ve nothing to lose
You love me, I love you