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It was a long trip out to the city fair, but one well earned. You and Miku spent all day running to and fro, gorging yourselves on so much candy you were sure you’d be sick tomorrow, going for rounds on your favourite rides, and daring each other to the scary ones.
Miku had wanted to go on the ferris wheel, but once it got to the top she didn’t want to look down. You laughed, but you mostly didn’t want to look at her.
That was then, though. This was now. You stared out the bus window, grateful there weren’t too many people on this line as you watched the scenery rush past. The sun was already setting, cadmium colors glistening on the water as you passed over a long bridge.
You never much liked long rides. Too little to focus on; as much as you tried to admire the view it wasn’t much compared to your busy head. Grabbing your phone like usual wasn’t an option, since you didn’t want Miku peeking at the screen. You were touchy about that sort of thing.
You glanced at her again. She’d been leaning closer the whole way home, her thin frame resting against your somewhat stockier one. You could feel yourself getting hot. After snapping at her countless times over the course of the day, now you couldn’t bring yourself to. She looked like the most peaceful girl in the world with teal bangs falling over her face, and she had no idea you were losing your mind. You couldn’t help shifting in your seat.
Her head dropped onto your shoulder. You nearly jumped, blurting out in an instant “Can you quit that?”
It was a moment before she reopened her crystal blue eyes and lifted her head, meeting your gaze steadily. It made you guiltier how she didn’t falter. “Sorry,” she murmured, voice soft but clear. “I got a bit sleepy…”
You swallowed, looking away and mumbling. “J-just don’t do it again…”
Of course, after 5 more minutes of tense silence she was back to leaning on you. This time you didn’t dare say anything and make things even more awkward, especially when you doubted it meant anything. You just wished being so close to her would stop making your heart race.
You stared out the window again, trying to steady your breathing. In the brief moments where you could clear your head of how shameful it all was, there was a strange sense of comfort hidden beneath.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
You closed your eyes and took a shuddering breath in.
…Her breath was warm against your neck. Her heartbeat slower than yours and so, so close. Her skin was soft and smooth where her arm brushed against yours. Her hair was long enough to fall into your lap, something you could only match with extensions. Her vanilla perfume smelled sweet in a way that was intoxicating to you. As soon as your resolve slipped for just a moment… Every sensation crowded together and made waves through your body, your soul, making the world feel hazy.
Deep down, you knew there was no helping that you loved Miku when not a day passed without you thinking of her, when simple moments like these left you undone. You, an unlucky, socially inept girl with a temper, loving someone so completely perfect, so kind and composed and funny and beautiful. You knew you didn’t deserve to have her this close; you only got here by lying and cheating. Of course she’d never touch you again if she knew how bad you wanted it.
She didn’t know, though. Selfishly, that helped you. It’d be alright to live off this little eternity if you could just keep pretending to be her friend, and not a girl who loved her like a boy should. It was parasitic, but any more or less would hurt her and kill you. At least like this, everything was nearly okay.
You just listened to the sound of her breathing. Calm, rhythmic. Miku thought nothing of this. You tried to follow her example, your heartbeat finally slowing in sync with her.
Your eyes blinked open, flicking from the darkening sky to her pressed against you. If she was asleep, then maybe…
You shifted your arm, trying not to push or disrupt her. Hesitantly, you reached down and searched. Your hand found hers. You braced yourself and took it, your short fingers entwining with her long, slender ones.
Instead of not reacting, or maybe even pulling away, you felt her hand squeeze yours back.
Your chest tightened. It felt… Nice. For the first time, it made you wonder if… Maybe it wasn’t selfish to want this. Maybe she really did, too.
You nearly discarded the thought as soon as it came, like every other time that delusion had nagged at you, but in the moment something stopped you. You didn’t know for sure why she kept you around. If Miku was happy to be close to you, then just once you could be happy to let her.
You laid back and let your eyes flutter closed again. Your hands and hearts entwined as one, warmth equal between the two of you. Together as something like human.
It felt nice. Today had been a good day.
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