Chapter Text
This is a Resident Alien one-shot. I’ve noticed there are no Resident Alien fanfics on Quotev, so I decided to post one! (Other series is a work-in-progress!)
Warning of profanity and spoilers for the ending of season 4, episode 5, (along with the rest of the previous season 4 episodes) The Human Condition.
———
“I’m not a swinger!” Liv yells as Ben loosens his grip on her and freezes in his tracks.
“Uhm, what?” Ben asks, puzzled.
“Don’t play dumb. We found your tiny hidden camera,” Mike informs the worried couple.
“Ben?” Kate questions him nervously.
“What? I didn't put it there,” Ben reassures his wife.
“Then who did?” Kate questions before coming to a realization. The wife gasps in terror. “Oh, my god. Ben.”
“What?” Ben asks.
“The cookie girls.”
Mike and Liv eye each other. Liv shrugs.
“What cookie girls?” Mike asks Kate.
“In our house?” Ben ignores the sheriff.
“I know,” Kate responds, feeling paranoid.
“WHAT COOKIE GIRLS!?” Mike yells as everyone goes silent for a few seconds.
“The aliens! The ones who took our baby,” Kate answers him, breaking the silence.
———
“Whose camera is this? Who is spying on you!?” Liv questions once again, just to make sure she heard Kate right.
“I already told you, it’s aliens. They’re real, Liv.”
“I knew that. This is just—wow, aliens kidnapping babies? This is hard to believe!”
D’arcy looks through the camera that she placed in Ben and Kate’s house. “Uh oh…”
“And these aliens are disguised as…” Mike lets Kate repeat herself.
“THE ALIEBS ARE DISGUISED AS COOKIE GIRLS WHO TOOK MY BABY!”
“Our baby,” Ben hugs Kate and kisses her forehead. “We’ll get her back, I promise.”
“We need to go talk to those aliens. I’ll shove cookies down their asses,” Kate mumbles under her breath, letting go of Ben.
“Mrs. Hawthorne, I don’t think that’s a good idea!” Mike yells across the hall, but Kate already slams the door behind her with the others in pursuit.
”Mrs. Wait!…*Sigh* Why do I bother? Well if y’all get attacked by the Grey’s, don’t come crying to me!!”
(Scene switches).
“We aren’t spying on you through those cameras. But drat, we should’ve thought of that…” The cookie girls angrily answer Kate.
“Then who…?” Ben thinks out loud as everyone walks away.
“D’arcy…” Kate realizes.
“What, but…why? That doesn’t make any sense! She’s our friend! I think…it’s kind of iffy…” Ben tries to understand Kate.
“She was on the ship with us. She has our baby. She is a suspect,” she explains.
“That makes sense! She must be watching in on you both to make sure the aliens are not coming after you,” Liv finishes Kate’s theory.
Mike thinks for a bit. “Either that or she’s an alien in disguise. Or a stalking kidnapper,” Mike finally puts his thought into words.
“What?” Liv questions.
“What?” Ben also questions.
“No, what he’s saying could be true…” Kate continues to think to herself until Mike butts in.
“What’s true? That D’arcy is a stalking kidnapper?”
“What, you can’t be serious. She may not make the best decisions…she’s not perfect, that’s for sure…but that’s human! She’s human! At least it’s for a good cause—trying to protect us…in her weird D’arcy way,” Ben protests.
Kate sighs. “I know…but it’s honestly better than your theory.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to impose. What theory?” Liv asks Kate.
“That D’arcy was abducted on the ship because she also had an abducted baby.”
“That’s an awful theory.”
“I know right!? That’s what I told him!” Kate responds as she points to Ben.
“Alright, I suggest we all go talk to D’arcy,” Ben rubs his temples and stretches his shoulders.
Pans over to Mike eating the new cookies they just got from the Girl Scout aliens.
“What!? They’re just cookies.”
Liv angrily grabs the box of Girl Scout alien cookies and throws it on the ground and stomps on it with her foot repeatedly in protest.
Kate looks at Liv with admiration.
(Scene switches).
Asta and D’arcy’s doorbell rings.
“D’arcy, can you get the door?”
D’arcy looks through peephole.
“Shit. It’s Ben, Kate, Liv, and Mike.”
“Do you think they know?”
“I’m not sure…” D’arcy answers.
“You want my help?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” D’arcy smirks as she turns to face her roommate.
Asta gets up and opens the door.
“Hello! What a nice surprise to have you all visiting!” Asta shows a fake smile and speaks in a forced happy tone to the four adults outside of her apartment hallway.
“Cut with this bullshit, Asta,” Mike breaks the ice.
“Asta, we need to have a talk with D’arcy. It’s about (spells out in a whisper) A-L-I-E-N-S,” Liv tells Asta.
“D’arcy’s not here right now, how about you come back in an hour or so,” Asta informs the four.
Asta tries to close the door but Mike holds the door open with his foot. But then D’arcy sneezes.
“I heard that. God bless you, D’arcy,” Sheriff Mike yells to D’arcy who is hiding behind the wall next to Asta.
“Thanks, random stranger,” D’arcy talks in a deep voice.
“D’arcy, we need to talk,” Kate informs her.
“Who is this D’arcy you speak of? She sounds wonderful!” D’arcy replies, again, in a deep voice.
“D’arcy, let’s be real. You’re in deep shit and I’ll let you off the hook if you help us with the aliens,” Mike tells her.”
“Alright. I hid Daisy,” D’arcy comes out from hiding behind the wall.
“Daisy?” Kate asks.
“Long story. So before you got your alien-tracker chip removed some blue glowing orbs were questioning you about your baby. I hid her somewhere so they won’t find her. You’re being stalked by aliens.”
“Aliens who sell really good Girl Scout cookies,” Ben and Mike both butt into the conversation .
“Boys, get ahold of yourself,” Kate and Liv both roll their eyes and snap at the two.
“Seriously!? You beautiful idiots! You’ll be lucky if they didn’t drug them or put some kind of alien tracking device in there,” D’arcy flails her arms in annoyance.
“So that’s why you’ve been so hesitant to tell us everything…you didn’t want the aliens to find out,” Ben realizes.
“Great, so who do we talk to!? I mean, now that the aliens disguised as Girl Scout’s are getting interrogated by us and the cops, they’re bound to change their disguise to something to hide,” Kate slumps down onto Asta and D’arcy’s couch.
Mike turns to face Deputy Liv. “Liv knows just the guy. Don’t ya, Liv?”
“Indeed I do,” Liv nods. “The alien tracker.”
“You mean Peter Bach? Isn’t he…dead?” Kate sighs, on the verge of tears.
Liv side hugs Kate as she too sits down on the couch.“Well, yes. But he’s now in a robot body searching for his son who was also abducted—same circumstance as you. No, I’m talking about the boy under your roof.” Liv holds up her drawing from Max’s description of Harry from season 1.
“I’m sorry, WHAT!?!?” Ben and Kate both yell as they face each other.
(Scene switches).
“So…I hear you need an alien tracker. You came to the right guy…” Max spins around in his spiny chair to face his client, grinning.
“Yes,” Harry responds.
[There’s no way I’ll get the help I need. I need to beg, Harry thinks to himself].
“Please, dear alien tracker, I need your help trying to search for my stolen alien powers and I need them to return to this horrendous body so I can feel whole again,” Harry falls to his knees and begins to ugly sob.
“I don’t think…that’s how this…works…” Sahar slowly says with a scrunched up face.
“Shh, let him believe I can find his powers. Besides, this is funny. Are you recording?” An eager Max whispers to a disgusted Sahar.
“Oh, you know it! So let me get this straight…you want us to help him get his alien powers back so he can be evil again!?” Sahar questions.
“Why do you still think I am evil!? I never did anything to you!” Harry interrupts the two young pre-teens.
“You attempted to kill Max and I…numerous times,” Sahar reminds the used-to-be-alien-but-got-his-powers-taken-away-so-now-he-is-a-human.
“You are right!” Harry cheers happily. “And I can still do it if you want me to—“ the old man sinisterly tells the two.
“NO!” The two pre-teens yell.
“Alright, alright! I will just let your old age kill you slowly and painfully,” Harry groans as he rolls his eyes.
“Ew,” Sahar retorts.
“Ignore him, Sahar. Harry, we’ll help you. On one condition, and that is—“ Max begins to tell the man but gets interrupted by a woman who stands at his door with her mouth agape.
“What the hell are you doing in my son’s room!?” Kate screams, nearly attacking Harry before he skids out of the way.
“Oh, h-hey mom,” Max whimpers.
“Mrs. Hawthorne! Heyyy….” Sahar points finger guns like nothing out-of-the-ordinary has just happened.
“The lady from the ship—and her awkward smelly and dumb husband,” Harry whispers (not so quietly).
“You know we can hear you, right?” Ben sighs.
“So…funny story! You’ll laugh! Remember that one time I kept telling you that Harry was an alien-“ Max rubs the back of his neck nervously.
Harry hits Max— “ow!”
“Do not expose me! I mean—hi Mayor and Mayor’s Wife! I did not expect to see you here of all places!” Harry tries to cover up the fact that he is an alien.
“This is our house…” Ben sighs.
“Wait! You never saw me here, everything is normal,” Harry forgets he is now a human as he tries to erase the Hawthorne parents minds.
“What the—?” Sheriff Mike gets cut off.
”I forget I don’t have alien powers anymore. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!”
“I’m sorry Max, did you say ‘Harry was an alien?’” Mike asks.
“Yeah, long story short…a Mantid who took the form of Harry flew us back to Earth in the ship. The real Harry, here, escaped but he lost his alien powers,” Max tells the sheriff.
“Wait—that was you…technically? He was the Mantid!?” Mike turns to face Harry.
“He was killed brutally by my ex-girlfriend-almost-wife. She…came back (and left again) after she left with the milk after teaming up with Joseph, the Grey alien. Long story.”
”I knew it!” Liv squeals.
“Sorry, we don’t have time for this,” Kate interrupts Liv’s mini-celebration and holds up the drawing of Harry that Liv drew for Max.
“Hey, that’s me!!” Harry points to the sketch.
“That’s y—? Never mind. Max, I heard you can see aliens,” Kate questions her son.
“Why—why don’t we talk about this over pie!?” Harry says as everybody eyes him.
“Yeah, sounds good!” The whole group replies.
(Scene switches).
“What may I get you all today?” Jay asks the group of nine.
“One slice of pie for me, Asta, D’arcy, Mike, Liv, Ben, Kate, Max, and Sahar. I’ll be eating all of them,” Harry whispers the last bit to Asta’s daughter.
“We can still hear you,” Ben groans.
Jay side-eyes Harry and then walks away and whispers the order to Dan.
“I don’t even want to know,” Asta’s dad walks to the back of the kitchen.