Work Text:
OriginalMoondog6969: This story is SHITE John Lennon would never bottom especially not for Paul McCartney. Learn to write. Better yet learn glue popsicle sticks together, better use of your limited skills.
Interview with Music Men of Today:
Smythe: And what are you occupying yourself with these days, John? Any new songs in the works?
Lennon: Had an album last year, don't know what everyone wants from me. I just think it's funny that people keep bringing up the past. For instance fan culture these days, now you know I love the fans, but some of them are writing some pretty stupid things about us, making out that Paul McCartney was all sexy and desirable, that everyone wanted to have sex with him. That I wanted to have sex with him. Frankly Paul McCartney has simply never been that sexy. He's got a weirdly shaped chest, and a very small mouth. Strange man.
Smythe: I thought the two of you were getting along these days?
Lennon: Oh sure I'm just saying he's not good looking. He's not sexy. If anyone ever had sex with him I'm sure it was out of pity not you know because he's beautiful. Girls or guys.
Smythe: Are you suggesting Paul McCartney had...
Lennon: No! I'm saying if he ever had sex. It was probably pity sex. That's all.
Smythe: So it sounds like things are tense. Does that mean there's no hope for a Beatles reunion tour?
Lennone: We're in our eighties. I'm not sure what you think is going to happen. If we haven't gotten it together by now I don't think it's going to happen. I always thought someday...but you know, life happens.
Smythe: What about Paul? He's still touring.
Lennon: Yeah, well, he was always a freak of nature. We can't all get up on stage and bounce around like we're 18 anymore. Some of us have our dignity. Some of us have arthritis.
Smythe: Your performance at the charity concert for—
Lennon: That was years ago. I'm not doing that shit anymore. I'm an artist now anyway, I barely write songs. Paul should think about retiring. It's embarrassing honestly. He's not a kid anymore.
Smythe: It seems like you have a lot to say about Paul McCartney. He's not handsome, he's not a kid, he's not retired and should be...
Lennon: Well I just think it's stupid to act like he's some kind of sex god, he certainly wasn't.
Smythe: What are your thoughts about his album release from this year?
Lennon: Why are we talking about Paul anyway? It's fine. His music is always fine. He's done better, he's done worse. We don't have to talk about Paul all day long.
FEUD RETURNS?
FORMER BEATLE LENNON TRASHES McCARTNEY'S LOOKS
...We reached out for comment to McCartney, who was available by phone. He gave a chuckle when we asked him about the latest statements from Lennon about his looks. "John's just being John. I don't mind. He can call me names if he wants to. I think it's a bit of jealousy, you know, when someone has to focus so much on someone else's looks. I've always thought John was quite good-looking personally. Never felt the need to tear him down."
As for news of a possible Beatles reunion?
"Well, it's not as though we've never done anything else together. We've all worked together in the studio here and there over the years, being on one another's albums. As for a band reunion, it doesn't seem like any of us are really heading that way. George and John aren't really doing music right now anyway, I'm touring, and Ringo's got an album in the works. We still see each other. We get on for the most part. It's just part of life, isn't it? I'll always remember those days, but we were kids, and now we're not."
The Howard Stern Show
"And it's my great pleasure to talk once again with John Lennon. Hey John. How are you doing these days? Up to anything new?"
"I'm enjoying my retirement. My well-earned retirement. Not everybody wants to keep working into their eighties. Some people know how to relax."
"Last time you were here you talked a lot about your sexual escapades in your touring years. Any new revelations there? You turned some ears blue, I don't mind telling you. It was some pretty exciting stuff."
"Oh, I made most of that up. I can't remember half of what really happened. Lots of sex, but the lawyers are saying I shouldn't have been saying any actual names, all that kind of shit. So yeah, it's all 'made up.'"
"Wink wink, say no more?"
"I'll tell you who's making shit up these days. It's people on the internet writing stories about us all fucking each other."
"Us?"
"You know, the Beatles. I mean, sure, we jacked off together all the time--"
"Yeah, you've talked about that at length, too."
"Well nobody's going to threaten to sue me over that, are they? I'd like to see them fucking try."
"You saw each other fucking a lot back in the day, too, from what I hear."
"I mean, it wasn't a giant orgy if that's what you're talking about. Sometimes you'd walk in on somebody, or you'd—you know—share a bed if it was crowded. We were pretty skinny in those days, not too tight of a squeeze."
"Sounds debaucherous. Speaking of that, I heard about a weird incident the other day—didn't you once cut up the clothes of a girl Paul was having sex with?"
"Man, I was so high on shit back then, I could've cut up a whole department store of clothes and not remember shit. So these stories—a lot of them are about me and Paul."
"Oh, you and Paul? Yeah, you two had quite a little love-hate thing going for a while, didn't you? I guess there's a lot of stories in the tabloids about that. It's pretty dramatic, the many times you fought and made up."
"Well, there were a few rough years. But what I'm talking about is people publishing fiction stories where we fuck. A lot. And love each other and all that shit. And that's just dumb."
"Dumb? Sounds kind of funny. Hey, people have imaginations, you can't expect them not to use them. Two of the world's biggest rock stars, they can have all the women in the world, but they always seem to be focused on each other."
"Well we certainly never fucked and he's not even that hot. People are out there slobbering over Paul like he's some kind of rock god. He's just a man, he puts on his pants one leg at a time like everybody else. The sun doesn't shine out of his ass."
"Sounds like the love affair is over. Weren't you just a couple of months ago saying Paul McCartney is the best musician since Beethoven?"
"I say a lot of stuff. He's all right. He's good at what he does."
"What about you, still writing?"
"No, I'm not writing music. I'm taking a break from music. Maybe retiring for good. I don't have to work myself to death, like some people."
"McCartney?"
"Who do you think?"
"What about you and Yoko? How are things there these days? After your divorce—"
"I don't want to talk about Yoko."
"Okay, shall we just talk about Paul more, then?"
OriginalMoondog6969: JOHN LENNON WOULD NOT LET PAUL MCCARTNEY FUCK HIM IN THE ASS THIS ISDISGUSTING I'M GOIGN TO SUE YOU
OriginalMoondog6969: You should write more of that, Paul giving John head. Kinda hot.
OriginalMoondog6969: Tha'ts not the guitar John played you should do more reaseach. i liked the part about doin it in the road, that should've been longer
OriginalMoondog6969: Lennon's not a pussy little crybaby who'd confess to feelings after sex, what were you thinkg? Paul's the girly one.
OrignalMoondog6969: write more of this, kinda hot. Especially liked the part where paul begs for it.
JOHN LENNON, FORMER BEATLE, BLASTS FAN CULTURE
"And here, we have for you, Mr. John Lennon, a little surprise. A fan drew a picture—"
"I've seen those drawings and stories and theories," said the former Beatle, who appeared on the talk show alongside movie stars. "You don't need to show me anything, I've seen it all. It's perverted stuff, like I'd ever bottom for Paul McCartney."
"Oh ho ho, you're familiar then? Well now I have some other questions for you. What about the other way—you topping Paul? I suppose that's out of the question too?"
"Well if he'd begged for it like he does in some of those stories, I'd probably have given in, just to make the poor bastard happy. But he's not like that, you know. Paul McCartney? Like getting blood from a turnip. He's not going to be honest about anything he wants."
"And you think he did? Want it? From you?"
"Paul? No. But who the hell would ever know if he did? That's what I'm saying, the man's an enigma."
"He's still touring, isn't it amazing? Singing his heart out on stage every night, that's hardly being a bloodless turnip. I'd say it's pretty emotional."
"Well, that's music, that's different, isn't it?"
"Some people are saying he's been performing Coming Up as a coded message to you, is that true? Maybe a little Beatles reunion hint?"
"Don't be silly, he doesn't send me coded messages in songs anymore. If he wants to talk, he can ring me up anytime. He knows that."
"Ooh, but people will talk! They'll draw smutty pictures about you two. Oooh..."
"Well if they don't have anything better to do, they should at least get the details right."
"And that's you on top. You heard it here folks! John Lennon is a dedicated top."
Sensitive Artist Magazine:
SAM: What is your response to the recent controversy about your performance art exhibit called STENCH? There were concerns that guests weren't adequately warned about the nasal risks. What do you have to say to that?
Lennon: I'd say if they don't want to be challenged, don't participate in art. STENCH was a raw and vivid commentary on the bloated and rotten world of government avarice and incompetence and nobody should imagine that's going to be a pleasant little exhibit. I mean, it's in the name, isn't it? STENCH. Couldn't be more clear.
SAM: You were recently spotted on the town with Paul McCartney. Does that mean the creative partnership might be renewed? What were his thoughts about STENCH?
Lennon: Oh we don't talk about art, we were just catching up.
SAM: You recently posted a series of rants about the implications of fan culture and sexual orientation on your Instagram. Only to take them down and then post pictures of yourself and Paul McCartney with various lyrics in the captions underneath. Some people are saying that's a commentary on the fan culture, a sort of performance art piece of its own.
Lennon: Well, exactly. Baby's in black and I'm feeling blue – if that's how you see us, here, look at it, pretend it's real. That's the thing. Everything's for the public to consume, so consume us, right? That's the whole idea. He's in a black singlet showing a little skin and I'm there in blue and the audience is making it into something else entirely by taking the lyrics out of context. We're offered up like a communion wafer, the blood and the body, consume us whole, and then tell us who we are.
SAM: So would you say you still continue to define yourself in relation to McCartney? In terms of partnership, rivalry, a sort of binary relationship? The idea that if one is the top one must be the bottom?
Lennon: Things are never that clean and clear cut with us. I mean, I spent the last however long going through the press basically saying I'd have fucked him if he wanted me to, and the guy responds by what? Spending the day with me shopping and having lunch? He played me his new album, for god's sake. That's right, I heard it first, folks. And I'm visiting him up in Scotland next month, so I'd say it's all right. Yeah, we're all right.
McCartney Talks Creativity
"So what's this about your latest single? Sorry Folks (He's Mine). People are saying you wrote it about John Lennon. Is there any truth in that?"
"Now, that's a silly question. John's my old friend. I'm glad we patched things up. It's good to have a friend, you know."
"So the rumours that he's moved up to your place in Scotland are just that, rumours?"
"Well, what can I tell you? A guy has his friend visit for a couple of weeks—or months—and it's suddenly wedding bells? I'm not sure what to say to that. It's funny how everyone has an idea about John, you know, but most people don't really know him. I think it's good to get away from things once in a while. But he's still doing art, you know."
"What about music? Is he making music?"
"Well, that's really for him to say, I've learned not to try to speak for John. I'm making music. I still quite enjoy it. You know, the creative process. Playing with words and sounds."
"So the lyrics of Sorry Folks (He's Mine) aren't about John?"
"It's just a song, you know, it's about whatever it means to you. You know, when you have feelings for someone and want to claim them—that's something that anyone could feel and identify with. Especially these days, with so much muddy waters around how we define relationships, sexuality, gender—it's interesting to try to put it into words, something concrete, something personal. In a way it's universal. It can be about anybody."
"Well, we always look forward to your new songs. But the word is you're not planning to tour for a while?"
"Oh, I'm just taking a break. A short break, probably. You never know. Just thought it would be good to slow down a bit, maybe write a bit more, maybe just spend time with family and friends. It's good to relax."
"Well, we'll certainly be relaxing to your new single!"
"That's great. I'll have to tell John that."
OriginalMoondog6969: I liked the part where they said I love you. That was good.
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