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One thing Liesl had not expected was the isolation.
Surrounded by boys, just like the ones who would get on her nerves and make wisecracks. Surrounded by men, strong and serious and commanding, so very like Jacob. Every time she imagined being discovered, the only image that came to mind was that of a wolf carrying a rabbit in its jaws. Easy to take care of. Gave a good fight. Squealed a little bit. Thus, she was very careful in regards to how she went about her life on the Leviathan.
She always showered at absurd times, regardless of how her sleep habits suffered.
Do not become the rabbit.
She only dared to wash her things alone, lest anyone else see the long strips of cloth she would use to bind her chest, or the worn fabric she had to use for her monthlies.
Do not become the rabbit.
She knew she was prone to being poetic and melancholic, so sometimes she would overcompensate by being rude, which she thought was boyish.
Do NOT become the rabbit.
However, oftentimes she would choose to not speak at all in favour of simply doing as she was told.
DO NOT become the rabbit.
She refused to let people touch her, with the excuse that she had no time for it. Although, her real concerns were with her crewmates feeling things that should/n’t be there, and her possible reaction to it.
DO NOT BECOME THE RABBIT.
There were only so many ways to manage herself, though.
Is it so bad to be gently held in the jaws of your betters? What a joy it is to be savoured.
Liesl found herself awake in the ungodly hours of the morning, no later than 03:00. She could not think. She was not entirely aware that she had gone to the showers and started the water until she caught the image of herself undressing in the mirror. It was best to not look too closely at her reflection when she didn’t feel real.
She stepped into the spray of warm water. The steam obscured her vision and made her feel even more unreal, and she was not entirely sure if that was good or bad. She crossed her arms over her chest and held herself tight, since no one else could. It was disheartening to feel like this again after several successful, unbothered weeks aboard the airship. The last time she felt like this was before she joined the air service, when she was still in New York with Jacob.
Liesl found her back pressed against the cool, slick, wall. She slid down until she was sitting, still hugging herself tightly. To any onlooker she would appear immensely distressed, but… in that moment, she didn’t feel much of anything. She felt unreal, and empty, and that was so much worse than sobbing until she was nauseous.
The water beat against the tile, the steam kept her warm, and it was so easy to just… let go. Be somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't surrounded by boys thousands of feet in the air. She was not anywhere, she was not anything, and for now that was okay.
Liesl was so lost in her own not-quite-daydreaming that she didn't register the sound of someone else entering the showers. It wasn't until a concerned face peeked through the curtains that she realised she was not alone. Almost immediately the dull numbness was replaced by panic that shot her heart into her throat.
The boy's name was Dylan Sharp, if she remembered correctly. He had fine, almost girlish features, framed by windswept hair. What he lacked in rudeness and boyishness he made up for in efficiency— no one could tie knots faster than Sharp, even if he had only been aboard for about two weeks now. Liesl had been meaning to talk to him. Something about him felt different, and familiar. Well, now she had no choice but to speak with him.
It took a moment to register the look on Sharp's face. He was looking at her, almost examining her. As he realised what he was looking at, he rapidly cycled through confusion, then surprise, then… relief?
“Oh,” was all he said. He looked pleasantly surprised, but all Liesl could do was cower. It did not matter that Sharp was her age, or the opposite of a monster, or not immediately unzipping his pants. He was a man, and he was staring at her, and that was all it took to feel like she was with Jacob again.
Her brain conjured up the image of Sharp standing over her and holding a mask over his face, the kind reminiscent of a court jester. It was nauseatingly vivid.
“Oh! Um…” Sharp finally seemed to realise he was staring at someone not wearing a single stitch of clothing, and he immediately turned away. The curtain fluttered shut, but Sharp remained standing just outside the stall. “Sorry. Not very, ah, gentlemanly of me.”
Liesl wanted to say something in response. She could think of all manner of things to say, ranging from normal to completely inappropriate, and yet nothing would come out. She could open her mouth to speak, her vocal cords worked just fine, but it was as if something stopped her from speaking words. When she said nothing, Sharp continued.
“Although, I suppose I'm not much of a gentleman,” he commented, softer this time. Liesl's brows furrowed as she tried to figure out what that meant. The inflection made it sound like he either didn't think he was proper enough to be a gentleman, or that he wasn't a man at all. It had to be the former. It would be rather absurd for it to be the latter, after all. They both stayed silent for a while.
“Mine’s Darren,” he said suddenly “my name, that is.”
“Is Dylan your middle name, then…?” Liesl inquired, and she got a rather entrancing laugh in response.
“No, you daft girl. My name is Darren. My real name is Darren.”
She was at an absolute loss. Liesl had no idea what the boy was going on about, so she just sighed.
“Well…I suppose I have a ‘real’ name, too,” she began. “Liesl. My real name—”
It finally hit her. Deryn. The name was Deryn.
“Oh,” she said.
“Yes, oh,” the other girl said. They were silent again.
“I thought I was the only one,” Liesl offered tentatively. An olive branch.
“Aye, me too,” Sharp replied with a laugh. “I was right confused when I saw you with no, ah…”
Sharp trailed off, but they both knew what she meant. Despite everything, Liesl found herself laughing a little as well. It made something in her chest melt like sugar.
“I can imagine how that would be quite confusing. I would've been baffled had the roles been switched,” Liesl paused, “after all, you're a rather handsome airman.”
Liesl couldn't see Sharp's embarrassment, but she could imagine it. She giggled as Sharp groaned.
“Ugh, don't get all sappy on me. I don't even know you.”
Liesl could not stop smiling. She was not sure how long she had been in the shower before Sharp arrived, she could not exactly remember how she'd gotten in the situation to begin with. She was incredibly thankful for Sharp at that moment. Of all people to learn her secret, of all people to pull her out of her melancholic reverie, she was glad that it was Deryn Sharp.