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…i remember the first time i came to your house. your room weren't as big as mine back then. you lived wherever shelter could be found, but after my visits began, your feet grew roots. my house was always full- bustling with servants and guests, and yours held only you. you know, when i was with you for the first time i didn't feel as lonely as i did in my huge house. isn’t it funny? i can still see you that day as if it were yesterday. you looked me up and down with your serious gaze, as if i were some curious bug that had accidentally flown into your room. and then you just said that you had nothing to play with. i remember how you showed me the bookcase (your main treasure, i still remember!) and said i could read if i wanted to. still remember how upset i was when i couldn't find a single book with pictures, he-he. i sat on the dusty carpet, struggling with a volume that weighed more than i did. i really wanted to impress you then. in the end, sleep took me right there on the floor, and i awoke in the softness of your bed. you put your robes under me so that your hard bed would be more comfortable.
i loved your strange world. there were no toys, no training dummies, no glittering jewels like at my house. no crowds of people rushing around and beeping machines like in granny’s lab. i enjoyed just being there, sitting on the floor, lost in a book from your shelves, while you worked at your desk, glancing over at me now and then.when i stumbled over unknown words, you explain with a great patience. you were always patient, even if you had to explain something more than once. i was afraid of being too burdensome and unintelligent in your eyes, so i stayed silent in my not-knowing. but you always noticed. and explained anyway.
you never defended me when i complained about being bullied. you didn't rush to teach my offenders a lesson and didn't even offer to teach me how to fight though you were amazing at battle. but the truth was that you were always there. always watching from behind. i was always under your protection, completely unaware of it. now i realize that maybe i wasn't looking for protection at all back then. i just wanted someone to know. someone to hear.
you were never openly affectionate, but when i came to you choking with tears after xiren…well, it doesn’t matter now. that day you saw me crying for the first time. you let me press myself against your strong, warm body and weep. you were still silent, holding your heavy hand on my head, but in your silence i still heard everything i wanted to hear so desperately. since then, i have allowed myself to cry in front of you. whenever i stumbled into your home, blinded by tears, you asked no questions. and i offered no answers. i was so scared of the thought that as soon as you found out the truth, they would come for you too. that i would lose you as well. perhaps all the people who hated me back then were right and i was nothing more than a spoiled selfish little bastard. i early learned that my silence cost many lives, yet i remained silent so as not to lose what was dear to me. but sometimes i wonder... what if you had known? if i had told you the truth before it was too late, could you have changed anything? oh, of course you could. you were the strongest person i knew after all. it’s me who was too weak all the time.
you never once blamed me. at least aloud. not even, i think, in the quietest chambers of your heart. for the death of your family, for the life i had which you were robbed of. you always bore that terrible weight alone. i don't know if you were tormented by envy like everyone else but you never let it get the better of you. you never stooped so low as to blame a child for the destruction of your world.
i remember the moments you would leave me. your body sat beside me, but your spirit was elsewhere, staring into a past i could not see. a faint tremor would begin in your hands, clenching your robe. your jaw would set with a flood of rage or grief. i learned to hold my breath, to become invisible, waiting for you to return. and you always did. you never turned that tempest upon me. you never hurt me, even though you could have. perhaps you saw me as a victim of circumstance, just like yourself. you always chose kindness, and i learned that from you.
my brother, you hold the answers to every question i’ve ever carried. so tell me, how did it happen that a woman i never knew gave birth to someone so dear to me?
if i ever walk the paths of hongyuan again in this life, meet me as you always did. look at me with your steady gaze and lead me to your living room to read. i’m sure you have new books by now.
forever your little brother,
jia baoyu.
the text blurs. a single hot drop traces slowly down the scar on the cheek and a moment later blooms upon the page. it’s really been a while since he cried.