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The dome was never uneventful, not even when the cameras weren't rolling. Contestants found several things to do in their free time. Some contestants caught up on well needed rest. Others reconnected with their family in the city.
Cologne wasn't one of those contestants.
Life before the competition had been bland, to say the least. While Cologne still didn't know what he was competing for—and while he suspected that his fellow competitors didn't either—he was grateful it gave him purpose. Drive, motivation—a reason to get up in the morning. It wasn't pretty, and he was certain he wasn't entirely wanted in the show still, but he went on nonetheless. He showed up to contestant bondings. He made small talk once or twice, and he helped others when they needed extra hands. Nothing serious, just light-hearted chores and errands.
He sat at a picnic table, mindlessly scrolling through the shared Discord server as Graffiti and Server spoke, and Guarana listened along. Most of the other contestants were sending pictures of things they found around the dome or GIFs of inside jokes, and he checked channels that he swore were never there when the server was first up. At some point he realized that Graffiti and Server switched subjects, and when he went to look up to feign that he was paying attention, he found all three of them at the table staring directly at him.
Cologne felt sweat bead at his forehead. "Huh?"
"I asked if you did anything like that." Server furrowed a brow.
"Oh. Uh... Anything like what?"
"Dude, how long have you been on your phone for?" Graffiti chipped in. "I mean seriously, if you're just gonna sit here and be all mopey, you can go do that with literally anyone else!"
Guarana put a hand on his shoulder. "Graffiti, relax. It's probably something important."
Server turned to Cologne expectantly. "Is it something important?"
"Um... no." Cologne hesitated before putting his phone screen down on the table. "No, sorry. What's going on?"
He could feel the irritation in Graffiti's squint. Guarana batted him and turned to Cologne. "We were talking about what kinds of things we did on all-nighters."
"I wouldn't be surprised if he's never even had one — bro looks like he needs his beauty sleep."
Cologne could feel his face flush, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. Graffiti laughed, taking that as a correct guess, and even Server couldn't help but laugh.
Something felt seriously off. Cologne couldn't place what it was, but Guarana seemed to be the only person that also felt it. He stood up, heading over to Cologne's side of the table and standing beside him. "You two keep having fun, I'm gonna go grab a drink. Wanna come?"
Cologne glanced back at Server and Graffiti to find them already resuming their conversation. Cologne shrugged haphazardly, pocketing his phone before going toward the back of the elimination building. To his surprise, Guarana was actually getting a drink, though unfortunately that wasn't the only thing that he wanted.
"What's up?"
Cologne blinked.
"I'm not blind, Cologne. You've been on your phone, you've been out of it for all of yesterday—what gives?"
Guarana knelt to grab the drink from the vending slot. "Noth—Nothing's up. I'm just... really tired."
"I don't believe that for a second with how little I see you during the day."
"It's none of your business," Cologne scoffed, immediately turning away to go anywhere where Guarana wasn't.
Guarana grabbed his shoulder and spun him around in response. "Listen. If something's up, you should tell someone. I won't pry into your personal life, but I know how hard it can be doing things on your own—being stuck in your own headspace."
"I—even if I could, who would I go to?" Cologne's eyes darted down, and to a spare pebble on the concrete floor. "I'm not exactly Mr. Friends-With-Everyone like you are."
When Guarana struggled to find an answer right away, Cologne sighed and began turning back around to leave. "There's always CB."
Cologne stopped dead in his tracks, this time not even bothering to look back. "No, not her."
"Oh what, so you get to pick and choose who you talk to?"
"It's nothing against her, I just—" Cologne ran his hand over the ring of his nozzle. "She's the last person I'd want to talk to about this."
Guarana put his free hand on his hip. "Okay. Why?"
"It's probably not even that serious, and she's also probably doing... host shit, I don't know. She's probably busy."
"Do you honestly think she's busy when the show isn't running?"
Cologne could feel his shoulders tense.
Guarana slowly approached behind him. "If anything, she's always finding something to do. Some project to work on. Trust me, she's actively finding ways to keep herself occupied, but there's just so much time in between episodes that she just stands at her lectern and waits for someone to go up to her for help. She's probably there right now.
"Doing stuff on your own might be easy for a while—" Cologne realized that he was right next to him now, speaking in a whisper. "—but at some point it starts feeling like everything is becoming tiny burdens that make up one big burden. I've been there. Trust me." Guarana gave him room, stepping in front of him and looking back. "Whatever fight you're fighting right now gets a whole lot easier if you have someone helping you."
Cologne opened his mouth to respond, but Guarana was already well on his way to going back to the table. He took a deep breath, listened to the air conditioning hum, and contemplated what to say to Crayon Box.
He was worried about Black Square; that was the only thing he was certain about. He didn't know why exactly he was worried, why he would need to be worried—he was just afraid for no reason it seemed, but the only way he'd feel better was to see Black Square himself. Cologne couldn't recall the last time he saw him—if anything the last time they spoke was during the episode—and something about not knowing the whereabouts of the guy that was keeping him in the show freaked him out.
But that was a selfish thing to think. Cologne wasn't worried just because Black Square was his alliance member. The guy clearly had his own issues going on and as much as he hated to admit it, Cologne realized he grew to like him more than he thought he could. He didn't think he could get attached to anyone in the competition, but after everything with Glowing Heart and Inhaler...
He couldn't afford to lose the only friend he had in this place.
Quietly, Cologne marched up the steps to the elimination building. He swung the door open and the cold air of the building hit him hard—so hard he stepped back to stand in the warmth of the dome atmosphere for another moment. Like Guarana said, Crayon Box was there, tapping the lectern and staring up at the stairs. Cologne inhaled as softly as he could, but he took one step forward and the floorboards gave him away.
Crayon Box turned to him immediately. "Oh! Cologne!"
He wanted to run out right then and there.
Crayon Box noticed she was kind of slouching and stood tall. "What can I do for you?"
"Hey CB, uh... Did you happen to see Black Square at all today? Like... at all?"
"Hm..." She held the side of her finger up to her mouth. "...Come to think of it, no." Cologne couldn't help but glower, and Crayon Box looked panicked. "But if you want, I can go up and knock on his door for you! Maybe he's just in there waiting for someone to check on him?"
Oh, bless her heart for trying. Cologne could tell she was doing her best to keep him around and engaged, and he did his best to indulge her. Crayon Box didn't wait for him to say anything before hurrying up the steps to the second floor, and Cologne slowly trailed behind her. By the time he got to the top, she was already making her way around the corner. Cologne lightly jogged to catch up, and he also turned the corner to be met with Crayon Box expectantly waiting at his door. Cologne stood behind her as she knocked on the door.
His heart sunk in his chest when no one responded.
Crayon Box attempted again. "Hello? Black Square, are you in there?"
She waited another couple of minutes before turning to Cologne and shrugging. "Maybe he's outside somewhere. The dome is pretty big, y'know!"
Where would he even go, though? Cologne thought to himself.
He sighed and nodded. "Maybe. Thanks for helping."
"Anytime! I don't have much to do right now, so I'll be at my lectern if you need anything!"
Crayon Box looked sadder than he was. He watched as she trudged back the way she came, and he listened to her footsteps as she rounded the corner and left his sight. Cologne glanced at the nameplate on the door, closed a fist, and raised his hand toward the door.
He hesitated, and let his fist fall instead.
Even with all the distractions he had for the rest of the day, Cologne still found himself thinking about Black Square. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, especially since he hadn't seen him all day even after Crayon Box suggested he was outside somewhere. It truly felt like he was gone, and Cologne couldn't keep pretending not to be antsy any longer.
Most of the others were out at a campfire telling scary stories. Cologne forgot that someone planned it in advance, and so he found an opportunity to slip out and check Black Square's room again. When he got to the first floor of the elimination building again, it felt colder—maybe it was just because Crayon Box wasn't there. Regardless, Cologne did his best to stay calm as he advanced up the stairs.
The halls felt longer. Moonlight spilled into the corridor from the square windows beside him. The carpet felt uncomfortable, and the cold was really starting to get to him. Cologne held his arms to stay warm as he progressed, counting the doors until the end of the hallway and making a sharp turn around the corridor. He read the names off the nameplates until he saw "Black Square". Cologne stopped, staring at the nameplate as if it were Black Square himself, and he raised his hand to try to knock again.
The sound of his knuckle against the wood was too quiet.
"Buddy?"
The sound of his own voice was even quieter.
"It's me," Cologne attempted to say a little louder, "I just wanted to check and see if you were okay. I haven't—I haven't seen you in a while."
Cold air blew around him, but he felt warm.
"Listen, if I did something to piss you off or make you upset, I'm sorry. Okay? The last thing I want is to make you angry—I have enough enemies here as is. Please just give me a sign, give me something. I—" Cologne sucked in a breath. "I need to know."
He wasn't sure why he expected an answer. Nothing he said would make any difference—for all he knew Black Square could deliberately be avoiding him. Cologne tried to think logically; he tried to remember if he did or said anything in the past that might've set him off, but it was hard enough recalling when they last had a proper conversation. How on Earth would he know what he might've done wrong?
It was a mistake to come here. Cologne did everything in his power to suppress the thought, but the more he tried to push it out of his mind, the more it invaded his thoughts and took over any words he had left to say. He took a step back from the door, an ugly taste forming in his mouth. Before he could turn to leave, he heard faint footsteps from the other side of the door and a quiet click. Cologne didn't hear any footsteps going back.
He wasn't sure why he smiled. "C'mon, why do I have to open the door?"
Right as Cologne rested his hand on the door handle, it creaked open, and Cologne peeked through the narrow gap to see someone else's eyes.
Cologne let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and let go of the handle. There he was—Black Square stood on the other side of the door, reluctantly opening the door wider as an invitation. Cologne waited for Black Square to give him room to walk in before stepping inside, and he heard the door shut behind him. No click.
Black Square is fine, he told himself. You can go now.
"Where have you been?"
He cursed his mouth for betraying his thought. Cologne watched as Black Square walked back toward his bed, his footsteps heavier than the air around them, and he quickly followed behind.
"We were all worried about you, y'know."
Black Square said nothing as usual, but he wouldn't even look Cologne's way. That's what bothered him.
"I know hanging out isn't usually your thing, but I didn't think—you haven't come out at all." Cologne watched as Black Square took a seat on the bed's edge, having left some space for Cologne to sit. He sat beside him immediately. "Don't you feel kind of isolated in here?"
He still didn't look up. Cologne sighed and looked back at the door to check if it was locked. He couldn't see anything with how dark it was. Irritated, he turned back to see Black Square fully facing away from him now, resting his hands on his thighs. Cologne instinctively wanted to move closer, but stopped himself before he could.
"Dude—what is your problem?"
That came out meaner than he meant it to. He covered his mouth, but Black Square didn't react at all. Cologne wanted to be direct, to be frank with him, but he wasn't sure how to do that without sounding like a complete asshole.
"Look, we should be past all of this petty stuff. If there's something going on, if someone's bothering you—"
Cologne closed his eyes and mulled over his words, not realizing that Black Square had perked up and turned to look at him now.
"The least you can do is just tell me that something's happening. You don't have to tell me everything, I just have to know if there's something seriously wrong so we can work... around it." He noticed now.
The body heat must be getting to him.
Cologne did the first thing he could think of and grabbed Black Square's hands out of his lap. "We're not strangers, Black Square. We're alliance members. We're friends. And friends don't just leave each other in the dark like that."
Black Square averted his gaze, and Cologne huffed.
"Please. Give me anything."
It felt like a lifetime waiting for Black Square to do something. It was one thing to be stuck behind the door unaware if he was even there, but it was another thing to be holding his hands, waiting for any kind of response, seeing him gather his thoughts in real time. Cologne could tell there was so much going on that Black Square couldn't express—he could tell Black Square was holding himself back.
Whatever fight you're fighting right now gets a whole lot easier if you have someone helping you.
Guarana really wasn't kidding, was he?
Cologne shifted backwards. Maybe Black Square just needed space to figure things out. But the moment there was more distance between them, Black Square approached and slid his hands out of Cologne's. Cologne made a confused sound, glancing down for a second and looking back up. Black Square met his eyes again, now full of tears and words that Cologne could tell he needed to say. He froze as Black Square let it out and began crying, but he didn't reach out. He wanted to reassure Black Square that he still had some agency.
Time slowed down around the both of them. The brightness of the moon poured into his room, the light catching on every tear Black Square shed. Cologne sat there, unsure what to say but convincing himself that he didn't need to say anything right now—he just had to be there, and that's what he was doing.
Eventually Black Square calmed himself down, embarrassed from openly sobbing in front of Cologne, and he nodded toward one corner of his room. Cologne turned, barely seeing a small desk with a phone on it. Getting the memo, Cologne quickly got up and got Black Square's phone, handing it over to him and returning to his place on the bedside. Sniffling, Black Square began typing something into the notes of his phone. Cologne fought the inappropriate urge to look at what he was typing.
He saw Black Square hesitate over a couple of words before it was presented to him.
[ive been having a lot of nightmares recently]
Cologne tried to remain unfazed. "What kind of nightmares?" Black Square took his time to type his response.
[competition stuff]
"If they're about Nail Clippers, I don't blame you. She's a terrifying kid," Cologne laughed, making a sorry attempt for a light-hearted joke. Black Square didn't react. Cologne quickly shut himself up as Black Square went back to typing, only this time Black Square wasn't sure what to put into his phone.
Cologne noticed this, and attempted to close the space again.
"It... happens to the best of us."
Black Square shook his head, the sound of his backspace key filling up the air between them, and he showed his phone to Cologne again.
[not like this]
Cologne looked up. "Like what, then?"
[i know hes probably not coming back but i keep thinkgin he might someday]
Ah. Cologne scoffed. "I mean, what reason would he have to come back? Clearly he had other things going on, and if he decided to walk out as opposed to just getting eliminated like the rest of us—"
[does it even matter anymore?]
He stared at the text on the screen for a minute before Black Square went back to typing out a long paragraph, visibly stifling tears.
[i keep tellign myself that he shouldnt come back, that he woudlnt come back even if he could, but it jsut feels like anything i do is a reflection of what he woudlve done]
[would he have done the things i did? am ijust meant to be his replacement, the person living in his shsadow for the rest of time? do peopel even see me as a contestant? or jsut the one that filled up the empty spot in the roster]
The more typos were present, the harder Cologne tried to decipher what he was saying. He was typing more passionately now, his hands trembling with every keystroke, and Cologne wasn't sure when to intervene.
[i have one shot to make myslef worth something and it feels like im not doign enough. im not proving myself enough to cb or the other contenstatns or to you or to the viewers that i actually deserve tbo be here]
Cologne barely had enough time to read the last five words of what he wrote before Black Square began going back to typing into the notes. He couldn't take it anymore—watching this was despairing. Cologne took Black Square's phone from him, setting it on the other side of the bed, and Black Square sat there with his hands in the air, shaking helplessly.
He understood to a degree, but not like this. The whole basis of their alliance was that they were the first two contestants that should've been eliminated, but weren't. Cologne was part of a tiebreaker; Black Square only stayed in because someone else decided to leave. What could he possibly say to make him feel better?
Was there anything he could say that would make a difference?
Cologne cupped Black Square's hands in his own and lowered them. "I mean, isn't that what everyone else is doing here?"
Black Square stared at him.
"We're all technically up for elimination at the end of the day, right? We're all in the spotlight, trying to show that we're worth the commitment to be in the show. We're all trying to prove ourselves to the viewers that we should stay."
Cologne got closer. Their faces were just inches away from each other now.
"What does it matter that we were up for elimination first? We're still here. We must've done something right if we're still competing. You're doing so much to ensure that you stay in, but you have friends now. You have Nail Clippers, if you consider her your friend. You have me.
"Look around, man. Do you seriously think he could've made the connections that you have? That he could make the choices you made? He doesn't mean anything to me—you do. So stop comparing yourself to him, because you are nothing like him."
He hadn't realized how close he'd gotten until he could feel his own breath bounce back up at him. Cologne pulled away slightly, still holding Black Square's hand, and he maintained his eye contact.
"You've earned your spot as a contestant. I know it doesn't feel like you earned anything just yet, but trust me when I say you've made so much progress since we first started this alliance. If it weren't for you—god, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be next to each other like this."
Cologne raised their hands up, then lowered them.
"You mean so much to me. That has to count for something, right?"
Tears welled up in Black Square's eyes. They poured out all at once, silent sobs following as Black Square squeezed Cologne's hands. Cologne couldn't tell if any of his words helped—he hoped it did, otherwise he said all that corny stuff for nothing—but he sat there nonetheless, watching Black Square cry, waiting for him to get all his feelings out.
It was weird seeing him like this. In all their time they'd spent just doing the challenges, Black Square always seemed so focused on what to do and being left to his own devices; that spiel explained a lot more than Cologne was happy to hear. Cologne tried to just be there for him though, and pray that all of his half-assed advice had some kind of meaning. Cologne ran his thumbpad over the knuckles of Black Square's hands, taking in slow, quiet breaths in an attempt to calm him down. It must've been working, because after a short while Black Square was crying less violently, and his breaths sounded shallower.
Cologne just felt silly, now. "Feel—Feeling... better?"
Black Square nodded so slightly that it took him a minute to register. Cologne sighed.
"That's good. Sorry, I'm not really—"
Before Cologne could finish his sentence, Black Square lunged forward and tackled Cologne into a hug. Cologne paused before returning the embrace. "Jesus Christ man, you're gonna shatter me if you do that again."
Black Square looked up, an apologetic look on his face.
"It's fine. Just try to be careful, okay?"
He nodded, and the two laid there on the bed, basking in the moonlight, holding each other as the room went quiet again. Cologne could see the blades of Black Square's ceiling fan slowly rotating, and he stared at it for a good minute before looking down at Black Square to ensure he hadn't passed out. He didn't, and his heart acted before his mind could. "You need any company tonight?"
Black Square looked up promptly, a light blush spreading across his face. Cologne was sure he was blushing too, and he avoided Black Square's eyes. "Just... y'know, to make sure you don't have another nightmare or anything like that. I know it's cheesy but—"
Abruptly, Black Square pulled him up and sat there, staring at him. Cologne sat and stared at him back. The room felt warm again, and Cologne convinced himself it was just because they were next to each other. Cologne opened his mouth to ask if that was a no, but to his surprise Black Square was desperately trying to tidy up his bed. Cologne watched Black Square fix up his pillows and set his phone atop his laptop on the bedside table, not bothering to plug it in, and brush dust he couldn't see off the blankets.
Cologne couldn't help but smile, grabbing Black Square's wrist to stop him. "Dude, I don't care if your bed is messy, it's fine. It'll just get messy anyways."
Black Square tugged his wrist away and rubbed the back of his neck, bashfully.
Cologne hopped onto the bed proper now, not bothering to tuck himself in. "What, you think I make my bed every day? That takes effort." Black Square gave him a look and Cologne playfully rolled his eyes. "No, it's fine. You can make your bed if you want to, it's your room."
He took a second to get comfortable. The mattress was a lot softer than he'd like, but if that's how Black Square wanted it, he wouldn't complain. He tucked his arms underneath his head and took a deep breath, nearly coughing when something prodded at his side. Cologne looked down to see Black Square practically latched onto him, blankets pulled over him, shifting around and purposefully not looking up at him. He huffed and slipped an arm out to wrap around him. He might need the blanket later if it ever got cold, but he doubted it.
Cologne impulsively looked out the window. The view from this room was incredible; he could see the city from this angle, and all the stars out in the night sky past the glass walls of the dome. He could see the moon shining, bigger than the stars but small and far enough that it didn't hurt his eyes. He wished the light pollution wasn't as bad it was—Cologne could picture the whole Milky Way there if he wanted to.
He wouldn't need that, though. His whole world was right next to him, and trying to fall fast asleep.
Cologne took another big breath in, pulling Black Square closer to him.
"See you in the morning."