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It happened slowly.
Like the ticking of a grandfather clock or the tide coming back to shore.
The feeling always seemed to come back with time.
As if even her body was rejecting the feeling that was creeping back in. She didn’t want Adrian to see if, not if she could help it.
And god, was she trying to help it.
Ever since Adrian had moved in, it got harder to hide. His never ending questions and enthusiasm are hard to avoid in any shape, but especially when her own energy is low and her focus is at a zero.
She wasn’t sure what to do or how to even talk to him about it. Adrian was always just so happy, even when she saw him upset he typically snapped out of it within an hour, his bad mood always leaving him. So how was she supposed to explain to him the heavy feelings that were plaguing her mind, the questioning if she was good enough for any of the people she had in her life, especially Adrian. How would she explain that this was not a feeling she could shake like he does.
She knows Chris has depression, even if he doesn’t talk about it much. She sees a lot of their actions mirroring even if hers aren’t as self destructive as his. She wondered if her depression even flagged to Adrian because of how different hers was from Chris’.
She thinks the first time he noticed it was when they were laying on the couch together, her back against his chest as he played with her fingers, rambling about his day. She would offer an occasional hum to show that she was listening and he would buy it. Normally after a few hours like that, practically comatose in her boyfriend’s strong arms, she would bounce back, at least enough that she could move forward with her day.
However, today was different. Today was heavier, and today was already too much from the moment she heard Adrian playing games in their living room.
He wasn’t being loud, he knew she was still asleep, but it was the need to acknowledge that there was someone near her space. Normally when she was alone, she would simply rot with no expectations.
But she knew Adrian would not let her rot, and it was only a matter of a time before his own worry would win and he would come find her and begin picking at what could be wrong. She wondered if she could make her way out through the window and just lay on the fire escape or if he’d catch her even there.
She’s not sure how long he’s left her, awake and laying in bed, listening to his game. She can tell he’s switched games at least three times in the past hour which told her that he had to be getting anxious about her own lack of movement.
She held her entire body still as the first knock pulled her out of her thoughts. It’s on the second knock that Adrian opened their bedroom door and peeked inside. He’s not exactly loud with his movement, but in her quiet bubble it was hard to hear it as anything other than loud.
“Baby?” He asked softly. She sighed and closed her eyes despite not needing to in the dark room as she listened to him pad over in his socks. His hand came to rest on her shoulder as he crouched down to face her. She could feel his breath on her face, inspecting her closely. “Baby, are you feeling okay?”
She hummed, hoping he would take that as enough of an answer.
“I have the day off, do you want to do something together?” He asked softly, and finally she pried her eyes open. She winced even in the lowlight as she looked at Adrian. His green eyes were wide and nervous behind his glasses as he continued to rub circles on her shoulder. The movement was familiar and comfortable to her, but the sight of Adrian felt wrong. His mouth was pulled in a deep worried frown and his eyebrows were low, as if her mental pain was causing him physical pain.
“I’m okay.” She finally answered, and she watched Adrian cock his head to the side.
“As in you’re feeling okay, or as in you’re okay you don’t want to do something together?” He asked quickly.
“Both?” She murmured, the comfort of the quiet bedroom already calling back for her as her body sagged deeper into itself. Adrian’s hand tensed on her shoulder.
“Oh, okay. Can I lay with you then?” He asked softly, and she closed her eyes again.
“If you’re quiet, Ade.” She whispered, and he squeezed her shoulder before letting go. She listened to him practically run to his side of the bed as he launched himself next to her. She gritted her teeth as Adrian wrapped himself around her and slotted his legs between hers.
As he settled and got comfortable and quieter she began to relax again. Her thoughts were not necessarily dark, just mainly blank as she focused on the wall and Adrian’s warm body on hers.
However, it doesn’t take long for Adrian to start to lose it. It starts slow with a sigh and a slight shuffle. Suddenly he was playing songs with his fingers against her arm.
She couldn’t take it anymore when she heard him start popping his lips ever so lightly.
“Adrian.” She hissed, and he froze.
“Sorry, sorry! I’m really trying, I just it’s so quiet and I want to be near you, but it’s weird being silent with you and the fact you’re still in bed and it’s almost 1 in the afternoon and I’m just getting worried about you.”
“Adrian, I’m fine.”
“But you don’t seem fine.” He said firmly, and she realized there’s no beating this. There’s no reality where Adrian leaves this room for her to rot without sending him in a full blown panic.
“Do you know what the spoon theory is?” She mumbled against her pillow, she could hear Adrian’s breath behind her.
“No.” He said softly.
“Okay, so imagine you have ten spoons-”
“We only have like five left in the kitchen.” He interrupted and she took in a sharp breath. “Okay sorry not the point, continue.”
“Imagine you have ten spoons and the spoons are your energy. You give four for work, two for your hobbies, and maybe you have to see your mom this week and that takes two more of your spoons, so then you only have two spoons left. Two spoons to eat, take care of yourself, and plan a date night, and maybe then you have to go get gas in the rain and you really just can’t do it because you’re out of spoons.”
“It takes spoons for us to go on dates?” Adrian asked softly and she could hear the hurt in his voice. She fought the urge to roll her eyes at the lack of Adrian’s understanding. She flipped around so she could face him. Which took more energy than normal and the groan she let out was almost one of pain, instantly missing the warmth from her previous spot. She moved her hands to cup his cheeks, squishing them slightly together. The devotion in his eyes sent her heart racing and the thought of whether she deserved this circled in her thoughts.
“Adrian, it’s not that it takes spoons to go on dates, it's that it takes spoons to do things. Everything costs spoons even if it’s something you love or want and I’m just out of spoons today.”
“Oh,” he said with a pause. “Could you handle a few questions about your spoons?”
“A few.” She said softly, happy that Adrian was at least starting to acknowledge the idea of the lack of energy and being aware of it.
“How do you get them back? Like when you spend them.”
“When I recharge, sometimes by doing stuff I love, hanging out with you, or just resting like I was doing today, I get spoons back.” She thanked everything that Adrian did not at least call out her resting as rotting.
“I think I have more spoons than you! Do you think I have too many spoons?” He asked, his words coming out in one breath.
“I think you have more spoons than me too, but I don’t think you have too many. I think you have the amount of spoons you’re supposed to have.” She said gently.
“Is there a way I can give you some of my spoons?” He asked firmly and she paused for a second, her knee jerk reaction was to tell him no and scoff at the fact that he wasn’t understanding it.
“When you take care of me, it gives me spoons,” she said softly, avoiding his eyes. “Like when you wash my hair in the shower or you pick us up dinner. Those things help me recharge and feel better, plus you never make me feel bad for needing help. So yeah, that helps me recharge.”
“I’ll take care of you every day.” Adrian said immediately, voice full of conviction. “You know that, baby you can ask me to do anything for you, and I’ll do it.”
“I know.” She said softly, finally meeting his eyes which haven’t left her face since she turned to face him.
“So just to be clear, you being out of spoons, it’s not because of me?” He asked one more time and a ghost of a smile crossed her lips.
“No, Adrian. Me being out of spoons has nothing to do with you. In fact, normally being with you and hanging out makes me feel a lot better.”
“Is this making you feel better? Because if me being here is making you lose even more spoons I can leave, I don’t want to be in spoon debt to you.” He said dead serious and she laughed, the first time in a while.
“No, Adrian. You’re not going to be in spoon debt to me and you being here is helping.” She said, pulling herself closer to him, he’s quick to adjust himself and maneuver them so she was practically laying on top of him. She laid her head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat.
“Okay, then hear me out. We lay here quietly while you recharge some spoons and then in a bit I’ll go get us some take out and then we can just either eat and go back to bed or take a bath or watch a movie. Whatever will make you feel better later, but you do have to eat today, that's my only requirement.” Adrian said softly, his arms squeezing her tightly against him.
“Maybe get food and then I watch you play some games? That sounds doable.” She said as her eyelids got heavy. At least laying on the couch and watching him play games would let her lay against him without the added pressure to talk or pay attention because Adrian was typically locked into his games.
“Okay, we can do that. Whatever you want, baby.” He murmured, clearly noticing that she was close to dozing off.
The bad thoughts weren’t completely gone, they were still circling and questioning if this is something she deserved. To be held and comforted when she couldn’t even take care of herself. But even as those thoughts laid the heaviest she knew Adrian would be there.
Even if it was just to lend her some spoons.