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Natalie sat outside the cabin, her cheeks burned with the cold, her fingers felt numb and each breath felt as if the air did nothing but pierce her lungs. It felt as if she was drowning, instead of breathing, and with every breath she took, trying to keep afloat, she only sank more. And yet, with her body desperately screaming at her to just quit it and go back inside, all she could focus on was on the bones in front of her, only a few meters away. The bones that were once a girl.
She could still see snippets of flesh clinging to the bones, as if, even in death, her skin clung desperately to her.
Natalie was surprised. She wondered if wolves left flesh clinging to the bones, she wondered if wolves would ever do what they did last night. She didn’t want to know the answer, she felt sick to her stomach. She wanted to throw up, like that could even begin to expiate her, like that could earn her forgiveness, and yet her body wouldn’t let her, because apparently living with guilt was better than living with hunger.
All she could do was watch.
Her body moved on its own, and as she gathered the bones of the former team captain she could feel the rest of them staring at her, half judging, half relieved that she was taking away the evidence of their despair.
Her hands trembled, the bones felt cold under her touch, and she had to hold back a flinch every time she touched a remnant of skin clinging to the bone.
‘It’s a deer. It's a deer. It’s a deer’.
She tried to convince herself but she was acutely aware of the blatant lie. She couldn’t forget what it was under her hands, who it was.
Sooner rather than later, she was making her way to the plane. The snow felt heavy under her feet and the rifle on her shoulder seemed to do nothing more than to drag her down even more.
She remembered a lesson of literature, almost a year ago, about Sisyphus, one of the only lessons she had found interesting, and she wondered if she’d also be doomed to keep walking and walking under the cruel winter, carrying an impossible weight, only to never make it to her destiny. She wondered if it was her punishment.
But instead of an endless path of white, she found the plane after walking for just a while, probably no more than half an hour, not that time held any importance anymore.
She stepped inside of their only connection to the life they all once had. It still held itself pretty well. There were cables falling and some parts were still burned, some metal pieces that Nat couldn’t even name were scattered all over the floor, but the seats that were still in place looked almost normal.
She looked around for a moment, and with a slight panic she realized she didn’t remember where Jackie was seated during the flight. She didn’t remember where she was seated either. She remembered the fear, the weight of something heavy on her legs before she managed to get out. She remembered the confusion, how erratic her heart was beating, how she begged to a god she didn’t even believe in, that it was all a bad dream. She remembered everything about the crash but nothing about the flight.
Eventually, and with a weird feeling in her stomach telling her that it was wrong, she picked a random seat and sat down, placing Jackie on the one next to the window. It looked like a seat Jackie would choose, or so she said to herself.
“I’m sorry…” she started, her voice rough because of the cold but surprisingly soft. “for what we did”.
A gust of wind howled outside, evidencing the silence Natalie was really in, the emptiness she was left with.
“You're lucky, you know?” she said, before she could even think of the words.
After a long while, when the silence became oppressive, she finally stood up, slinged the rifle over her shoulder, and set a foot outside of the plane. It was then that she noticed it was snowing, and a few flakes fell over her head. She let out a soft sigh, her breath visible in the air. The snowfall was slow, it looked like it was barely there, but when she raised a hand she could see her palm getting covered in a white, cold blanket in a matter of seconds.
It was misleading, the way everything was in that cursed place.
She groaned and went back to the plane, only to let herself fall on the seat next to Jackie.
“You know?” she said and suddenly talking to the bones of the girl you ate last night didn’t seem as crazy as she thought it would. “We still needed you” Natalie looked down, her hands continuing to tremble. “I still needed you”
Somehow, she was expecting an answer, one that never came, so, with a defeated sigh she leaned back against the seat that now felt strangely comfortable.
Memories came to her without her permission because when you have nothing in the present you feel like you had everything in the past, even if the majority of times it was wrong. Natalie knew that but couldn’t help but long for the life she once knew.
Memories of soccer games, of trainings and late night talks at sleepovers with whoever stayed up as late as she did. Surprisingly, most of the time, that was Jackie.
They never interacted that much in the morning, neither she nor Jackie seeked the company of the other, even if they were each other’s confidants a few hours before.
Natalie didn’t question it. Now she felt like she should’ve.
She didn’t question it either when late night conversations became whispered confessions. Nor when said confessions turned into soft touches, and then a faint brush of lips.
Jackie never brought it up so she didn’t either. And then she got a boyfriend and Nat felt like she missed something but never gave it much thought.
It wasn’t until doomcoming, after every sense of normalcy was ripped from them without a warning, that she interacted with Jackie again. They had had a few arguments before it but nothing too meaningful. They both forgot all about them hours later anyway.
That night, Nat had tried to get out of their semi attempt of a party. It was fun, as fun as it could be anyway, but she wanted some time of her own and she had seen coach leave the party earlier so she figured she could follow him. Besides, she didn’t want to eat whatever soup/stew Mari and Misty made, she wasn’t hungry and it looked weird. She did take her cup of berry wine though.
When she was already walking into the forest, she felt someone grab her shoulder, as if to slow her down. She flinched, reflexively, and took a step to the side, only to discover Jackie, looking as surprised as her. She couldn’t tell if it was because she wasn’t expecting her reaction or because she was shocked she had followed her.
“Sorry I-” she tried but the words died in her throat. Nat could see her attempt to search for an excuse. “Mind if I join you?” Jackie ended up saying, and added, as if she needed to justify herself. “I uh, I want some air”
“You’re in the middle of the forest” Natalie retorted, like she hadn’t left for the same reason. Jackie scoffed but held herself from saying something snarky.
“Yeah, but it creeps me out” she said simply and looked away, fidgeting with her necklace. “Can I come with you or not?” she asked, her tone was sharp but with a hint of plea beneath it.
Natalie sighed. Coach would have to be on his own then.
“Sure”
Jackie nodded and both of them started to walk again, side by side. Neither said anything, not for a long moment, it was both comforting and maddening but they didn’t dare to break the silence.
“Can we go to the cabin?” Jackie asked and looked an awful lot like a kid asking a question and expecting to be rejected right away.
Natalie wanted to refuse, just because, but ended up giving in.
“Yeah, let’s go”
The walk was long, more than she had expected, or maybe she was too aware of every step she took. She felt the sun in her skin as well but it didn’t feel as warm as it did in the summer. She glanced at Jackie once, but the team captain seemed as lost in her thoughts as her. The sun gave her hair a nice glow, Nat thought, but immediately pushed it away and focused on the walk again.
Once they reached the cabin, Natalie opened the door and Jackie walked inside first, as if it was natural. Nat followed her and closed the door behind them. It creaked, the same way the floorboards did if she took a step too fast.
It still felt weird, living in the cabin of a dead guy. It felt as if they were intruding into something somehow, as if they were taking something that didn’t belong to them. It felt even weirder now that the cabin was empty but their makeshift beds were on the floor, along with fallen leaves and twigs from their decorations scattered all over the floor.
“We can sit in the attic” Jackie said and clenched her necklace again. She looked nervous, more than usual, and Nat frowned.
“What are you doing, Jackie?” she asked and the other girl seemed genuinely lost.
“What do you mean?”
Nat scoffed in disbelief.
“C’mon. You and I, in the cabin, alone?” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And now you suddenly want to go to the attic?”
Jackie frowned as well and Nat could swear she saw the gears in her head. It took her a few seconds but her eyes widened and for a split second she looked around, as if searching for something to throw at her.
“Jesus Natalie, you’re an asshole!”
“Wha- I’m the asshole?” she asked, as if the mere thought was offensive.
“Right now? Yeah, you are”
“Fuck you, Jackie” she said and her frown deepened. When she was just turning around to storm off the cabin, Jackie lounged forward with surprising speed and grabbed her wrist.
“No, wait-” Jackie said, almost desperate. When Nat stopped and looked at her, she withdrew her hand as if Nat’s skin burned and took a step back, creating some distance between them again. “Sorry just… please”
Natalie looked at her and noticed the helplessness beneath her whole demeanor. It’s been a long time since she had seen her like that. The sight made her give in almost immediately.
“Fine” she said simply but her voice softened just barely.
They did end up going to the attic. It was old, dusty and creepy, and a guy had died in there god knows how long ago. Natalie wondered how the hell Taissa and Shauna were even able to sleep up there. Jackie went confidently to Shauna’s bed that almost looked like just a sad blanket on the floor, and sat down as if it was her own. Natalie followed her, and sat down next to her, a bit more hesitant. She left her cup of berry wine on the floor next to her and took a deep breath as she looked around.
“Shauna was fucking Jeff” Jackie said suddenly and Natalie almost choked. What a way to break the ice.
“I-” she cleared her throat “Sorry”
“It’s fine” Jackie muttered and shrugged. Nat could see it was everything but fine.
“It’s kinda fucked up” she said, a bit hesitant, as if testing the waters of how much she could actually say.
Jackie laughed, briefly, and looked down at the wooden floor.
“Yeah” she nodded “It is”.
Natalie looked at her, she seemed small, nothing compared to the confident captain she was used to seeing every time before a game. It was as if the wilderness was taking every ounce of her little by little. Then, a realization hits her.
“Wait” Nat said and frowned. “So she’s pregnant by…”
Jackie stiffened at the unsaid question. She clenched her jaw and looked away before taking a deep breath and turning to look at Nat again.
“Yeah” Jackie said quietly, her voice sounded weak, like the words had cut their way out of the throat. “My best friend is pregnant with my boyfriend’s baby”
Nat winced, because what the hell are you supposed to say in this situation?
“Sorry” she repeated, out of reflex.
Jackie let out a soft sigh and shook her head faintly.
“It’s okay” Jackie muttered in a tone that was a bit too flat. Still, Nat didn’t push it, didn’t think it was worth it because Jackie looked like someone who had accepted and embraced the bad news, not someone who needed help confronting them.
“You know what pisses me off?” She suddenly asked and Natalie shook her head, genuinely lost. “I didn’t even like him”
Nat nodded. It was subtle, but she could see the small ways in which she avoided touching Jeff. How she never lingered to his side longer than necessary, how she touched him the same way she’d touch a wet dog that smells bad.
“I didn’t even like him and he still managed to get in between us”
“Between you and Shauna?” She asked, wanting to make sure she was understanding correctly. Jackie nodded and took a deep breath.
“Yeah” she confirmed quietly. “I wanted her to choose me” she said, as if she was confessing something that had been weighing on her for years.
Nat frowned a bit, she seemed more upset with Shauna than with Jeff. She raised an eyebrow and remembered the subtle glances she had seen between them both, remembered how Jackie always talked about Shauna the first few times they started to have late night conversations at sleepovers. Those talks eventually faded away, but still.
“Wait so… you’re more upset that your best friend betrayed you than your boyfriend cheating on you?”
Jackie scoffed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“There’s literally a billion guys like Jeff” she said and looked at Natalie. “There’s only one girl like Shauna”
Nat raised her eyebrows and blinked a couple of times, taken aback. It sounded so honest, much more than any random pep talk Jackie gave them.
“So you liked her” she said, maybe a bit too confident. Jackie frowned a bit.
“What? No” she said, definitely too confident, even if there was the smallest tremble in her voice.
“Jackie” Nat muttered, and looked at her the same way an adult is waiting for a kid to realize something obvious. “C’mon, you make it sound like she’s the one who cheated on you instead of Jeff”
“I do not!” Jackie said, trying to defend herself even if it was a losing battle. “I just- I’ve known her since forever, of course I’m more disappointed in her than the random guy I picked to be my boyfriend”
Natalie had to hold back a laugh because Jackie just confessed without even noticing.
“You picked him to be your boyfriend?” She asked, equal parts in disbelief and amusement.
“I wanted to be prom queen and there needed to be a king. He was popular, we were obviously gonna win”
Natalie took a deep breath and nodded . She grabbed her berry wine cup and took a sip, the drink was slightly hot which made it taste worse but it was still better than nothing.
“What?” Jackie asked, noticing how Nat suddenly was all quiet. “Nat” she called, trying to get the other girl's attention.
“Nothing” Natalie said and looked at her again. “It just sounds like you were in love with Shauna”
Jackie frowned.
“I wasn’t” she said but didn’t sound so sure anymore.
“Okay so you didn’t picture her when you kissed Jeff?” Nat asked and for once Jackie was at a loss of words. Because she definitely imagined and secretly wished that it was Shauna’s hand on her waist, Shauna’s lips on hers, Shauna’s weight against hers. Her eyes widened and she looked away, staring at the wooden floor as if by some miracle it’d give her all the answer she was seeking.
“Oh my god” she muttered under her breath. “Oh my god” she repeated, a bit more panicked. She suddenly whipped her head to look at Natalie, so fast it might as well have given her whiplash. “I’m gay”
Natalie had to hold back another laugh and bit the inside of her cheeks to prevent her lips from curling up into a smile. Instead she just nodded.
“I’m gay” Jackie repeated quietly, almost like she might come to terms with it faster the more times she said it.
“Yeah” Nat said quietly and took another sip of berry wine. “Wait. All the times you kissed me at the sleepovers… none of it told you anything?”
“No!” Jackie said and fidgeted with her necklace again. “I- you’re hot, half of Wiskayok wants to kiss you, I thought I was just another one”
Nat felt a faint heat creep upon her neck and her cheeks, blushing ever so slightly.
“Is that a compliment?”
Jackie let out a soft huff, with her heart still beating fast in her chest after she realized maybe she didn’t see Shauna as a very good, very close best friend.
“It’s a fact” she said simply and tried her best to smile. Nat actually smiled at her, soft and unguarded, the kind of softness this place had killed as soon as they got stranded. “Is that thing even good?” Jackie asked and pointed at Nat’s cup of berry wine.
Natalie looked down and grabbed the cup, she moved it a bit, it was half empty. She scrunched her nose a bit and looked at Jackie.
“Not really. Tastes like cheap liquor with rancid coke” she said and Jackie laughed.
“Gross” she muttered but reached out to grab the cup from Nat’s hands anyway. Natalie handed the cup without any resistance.
When Jackie took a sip she winced and swallowed hard.
“Jesus Christ” she muttered. Nat let out a soft huff of laughter and reached out for the cup but Jackie took another sip. “Yeah, it’s gross” she said and finally handed the cup back.
“Told you” Nat said simply and left the cup on the floor again.
There was a moment of silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable but it still felt charged, not in a bad way though just unexpected.
“Do you miss them?” Jackie asked suddenly but her voice sounded soft, less guarded. “The sleepovers I mean”
Nat looked at her and considered her answer. It was a loaded question, and she knew it.
“Yeah” she said finally. “I do”
Jackie smiled ever so slightly and nodded.
“Y’know” she let out a soft breath, as if she was laughing at her own thoughts. “I always waited for you to talk to me the next morning”
Nat looked at her for a moment, almost as if searching for any signs that it might be a joke, but she found none.
“I was expecting you to do the same” she finally muttered and a ghost of a smile brushed over her lips, just for a second.
Jackie laughed. It sounded genuine, even if there was a bit of frustration underneath.
“God we’re idiots” she muttered and this time Nat laughed.
“Yeah” she agreed. “We are”
“It sounds stupid though” Jackie continued and looked around the attic. “Now that we’re stranded in here”
Natalie took a deep breath, the air smelled of wood, pine and dirt, something they got used to sooner than she thought possible, even if it didn’t feel right.
“Maybe that’s why it’s not stupid” Natalie muttered, her voice so quiet it was a miracle Jackie heard her. “Y’know, precisely because we’re here. Maybe it feels like this because we did have something to lose after all”
Jackie stared at her for a moment, something in her eyes softened, even if she still had that tired, resigned look.
“Since when are you so philosophical?” She asked with a slight smile. Her tone was teasing but it was rather affectionate.
Nat rolled her eyes and she blushed again, just faintly.
“Shut up”
“You’re right though” Jackie said after a moment of silence. “I regret Jeff” she said simply, already accepting that she lost time she could never get back.
Natalie looked at her, just thinking. Before the silence stretched again, she broke it.
“I regret not signing up for the music class” Natalie said quietly.
Jackie smiled softly and took a deep breath.
“I regret scoring the goal that got us to nationals”
Nat laughed. They had felt so euphoric back then it was almost surreal now.
“Yeah, you messed up big time”
Jackie rolled her eyes and gently shoved her.
“Yeah, me and the whole team” she retorted and Nat scoffed.
“I wasn’t the one who scored the goal” Nat said but it sounded more teasing rather than upset.
“At least I learned how to play the flute”
Natalie laughed, unguarded and genuine. For a second, she felt as if she was back in the hallways of Wiskayok high.
“That’s the lamest instrument ever!”
Jackie scoffed.
“Oh sorry, Miss Cobain, what would you have played then?”
Nat raised an eyebrow, looking at Jackie as if she had just asked her what color the sky was.
“The guitar duh”
Jackie opened her mouth to retort something but she closed it quickly, knowing that she had nothing to say.
“Yeah, makes sense”
Nat let out a soft, brief laugh and looked down at the wooden floor again. She started to trace absent minded patterns against it, just to feel the wood beneath her fingertips. It still felt dusty, even if they had cleaned the place a thousand times, like the dust was now part of the wood, and at this point she wouldn’t even be surprised if that was the case.
“I regret not having sex” Jackie said all of a sudden and Natalie almost choked. She looked at Jackie, who was completely unfazed and for a moment she thought it was just a hallucination, a trick of her brain just because.
“You’re serious?” Nat asked and Jackie nodded as she looked at her.
“Yeah” she said simply and shrugged. “I don’t wanna die a virgin that’s all” Jackie muttered, as if it was the most normal and boring conversation.
Natalie laughed, once again, because it was just so random and yet so genuine.
“Jesus, Taylor”
Jackie looked away and this time she was the one who blushed, she bit her lip to stop herself from smiling.
“Don’t tell anyone I said that”
“I won’t, I promise” Nat said simply and tilted her head just a bit.
Jackie looked at her again after a moment of silence.
“So… who would you have slept with?” Natalie asked suddenly and Jackie shoved her again, with a bit more force this time. “What? Shauna?” She teased and Jackie groaned as she felt her cheeks get redder and redder.
“You are an idiot Natalie, I hope you know that” Jackie muttered but the smile on her face betrayed her.
“You’re not… missing much y’know?” She said after a moment, her tone was softer, the teasing completely left behind. Jackie took a deep breath and swallowed. “Not with guys, at least”
“And with girls?” Jackie asked, almost uncertain, hesitant, as if the words left her throat without her permission and now she was scared of being heard.
Natalie froze for a moment and fidgeted with the laces of her boots.
“I wouldn’t know” she said finally, in an equally quiet tone.
“Oh” Jackie muttered. She didn’t know why, and she hated herself for it, but she was expecting a different answer. “Guess we’re both lost then”
Natalie let out a soft huff and nodded.
“Yeah”
They stared at the other for what could’ve been seconds or hours. It was funny, how they never seemed to cross paths in their daily life but somehow always ended up listening to each other’s whispered confessions. Natalie remembered the sleepovers and she’d be lying if she didn’t say she actually missed them a lot, missed Jackie a lot.
She didn’t have to think about it for long, because before she could even process it, Jackie was leaning forward to press a quick kiss to her lips. Her eyes widened a bit. Even despite it all, despite how long it has been, Jackie’s lips felt as soft as they always did. She wondered how it was possible, she must’ve run out of chapstick the first three weeks they were here and yet somehow her lips remained the same.
Before Nat could even react, Jackie pulled away, her cheeks flushed and she could tell her heart could compete with a race horse and win.
“Shit. Sorry, I-“ Jackie tried to explain, to find whatever stupid excuse her brain could come up with, but in the blink of an eye, Natalie leaned towards her and sealed her lips with hers. Jackie sighed but Nat didn’t pull away, so she closed her eyes and her hands came up to cup her cheeks.
It was a soft kiss, almost hesitant, neither of them was sure of how to do it, if it was even allowed after all this time, but neither of them wanted to break the spell, neither of them wanted to question. They wanted to feel, to get lost in the moment and the warmth of someone else, to somehow regain and cling to any sense of normalcy and comfort they could in the middle of it all.
They finally broke the kiss for air after a long moment. Jackie sighed again and swallowed, her lips still tingling, feeling the ghost of Nat’s lips on hers.
They looked in the eyes for a moment, an unsaid question answered in silence. Neither of them knew who leaned back in first, who gave in, but it didn’t matter. Jackie’s hands were on Natalie’s cheeks again as their lips pressed together once more. Nat’s hands came up to hesitantly rest on Jackie’s waist, who let out a soft sigh at the touch, something that encouraged the other girl, who scooted closer.
The kiss was still hesitant, messy, but it grew more and more confident with every second. Every brush of lips, every touch that made them both shiver, it all wrapped around them like a warm blanket. Just when their tongues brushed for the first time, Natalie’s body moved on its own and in just a second, she was straddling Jackie, who let out a soft gasp into the kiss that Nat swallowed immediately. Jackie’s hands moved from her cheeks to her waist, pressing her even closer against her, as if she couldn’t get enough.
Natalie arched into her touch and her own hands traveled from Jackie’s shoulders to her thighs and Jackie immediately melted when Nat lifted her dress ever so slightly and she could feel her fingertips grazing her skin.
“Is this okay?” Natalie asked when they broke the kiss in a poor attempt to catch their breath. They were both panting, their cheeks flushed.
Jackie looked at her with wide eyes and parted lips. She nodded, not really trusting her voice, but she managed to say quietly:
“Yes”
Natalie nodded and kissed her again, this time it was heated immediately, moving her lips against Jackie’s as if she was starving and only she could save her. Jackie tightened her grip on her waist and Nat sighed, leaning even closer against her.
Natalie moved her lips from Jackie’s to her neck, and Jackie immediately let out a soft whimper at the contact. One of her hands came up to tangle into Nat’s hair, as if she wanted to keep her there
“Nat” she panted, her voice a mess of both desire and uncertainty, like she wasn’t even sure if this was allowed, if she was allowed to feel so much after being stranded in the middle of nowhere for so long.
Natalie moved her hand just a bit higher, her touch was firm but incredibly soft and a single graze of her fingertips was enough to ground Jackie.
Natalie’s lips kept kissing Jackie’s neck over and over again, each of them made Jackie pant and feel that her dress suddenly was a nuisance.
She didn’t even know how but when she least expected it, she was on top of Jackie, pressing her softly against the poor attempt of a bed. The wood creaked slightly beneath them but the sound was quickly forgotten in the middle of heated kisses and wanting pants.
Eventually, Jackie pushed Natalie just a bit, enough for her to sit up and take off her dress. When Nat misinterpreted and was about to get off of Jackie, she quickly grabbed her wrist and tugged her towards her again, with a sheepish smile on her face. Nat let out a soft chuckle at the sight and leaned in to press a tender kiss to Jackie’s lips while she tried to unzip Jackie’s dress, struggling a bit with it. Jackie giggled against her lips and shifted a bit to make it easier for her to take it off. Once she managed to unzip it, she kissed Jackie’s cheek and took her dress off slowly, as if she expected Jackie to change her mind any minute. Instead, Jackie leaned forward a bit and unzipped Nat’s dress as well, with slightly shaky hands.
Once the fabric was out of the way, Jackie wrapped her arms around Natalie’s neck and kissed her again, gently guiding her so she was on top of her one more time. She felt the blankets against her bare skin, and the cool material made her shiver just a bit though it was quickly overshadowed by Nat’s warmth. By the gentle way she touched her skin, so reassuring and yet so hot, by the way she managed to feel as if her chest was about to explode in the best possible way.
Nat’s lips found Jackie’s neck again while she carefully took one of her thighs, making her part her legs just slightly. Her skin was much softer than any of the guys she had been with before, her touch was more delicate, as if she were trying to feel instead of take. It made her want to drown in the sensations and sounds she let out.
It was a soft yet heated moment, one in which both girls were trying to get back even just the tiniest bit of their lives, both wanting to feel as much as they could, as if it were the last time. Hunger met gentleness and gentleness met passion as both of their bodies moved in unison.
Natalie felt Jackie tense up a bit when she curled up her fingers inside her, a soft moan of both pleasure and slight pain escaped her throat but she jerked her hips up, encouraging Nat to continue nonetheless.
It felt strangely right, as if every sleepover, every late night talk, every whispered confession had led them to this exact moment, as if there was absolutely no other way things could turn out.
Sooner rather than later, they were curling up next to each other, not exactly cuddling but close enough. Nat kept planting soft kisses to Jackie’s neck, something that only made the other girl giggle.
She remembered that, the feeling of skin on skin contact, the feeling of having someone laying with her with something close to love rather than desire.
She even remembered the commotion of the rest of the girls storming inside the cabin, roughly snapping the door open the same way a ruthless cop would while chasing a criminal. The way both of them hurried to get dressed to get down the attic. How she had to watch Lottie shove Jackie into the closet while the rest tried to get their hands on her, so different from the soft, almost loving touch of Jackie just a few minutes earlier. How she had to bolt outside the cabin with her dress half torn, running into the woods like some kind of animal with the hope of not running into any hunter.
But she didn’t remember much after. It was as if someone had thrown white painting over all of that piece of her memory and she couldn’t see it anymore. As if someone had frozen time for her and only let her go once the forest was covered in snow like a haunting, misleading landscape with who could’ve been her lover, if only they had had more time, laying on the ground.
Nat was thrown back to the present when a particularly loud gust of wind howled outside the plane. She snapped out of her thoughts and looked around the plane, the quiet snowfall became a ruthless snowstorm, raging outside.
She swallowed hard, still feeling the taste of roasted flesh in the back of her throat. She wanted to throw up again but her brain reminded her heart that she wouldn’t make it if she did.
She looked down, to the worn fabric wrapping Jackie’s bones like a cruel blanket meant to comfort her. Her hand hovered over it but she ended up pulling it back, not daring to touch it again, fearing that she’d only remember the feeling of bone and cold instead of warmth and skin if she did.
Natalie looked away while her brain haunted her with questions. What if she had come to her in one of the sleepovers? What if they had had more time? What if she voiced her feelings? What if Jackie did?
She clenched her jaw and looked outside, at the snow falling furiously, as if the universe was mocking her, making her stay in there for as long as possible, and all she could do was just watch and wait.