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Ranjit Singh expected the evening to go just like it usually did. His neck was sore, back aching as he leaned back with a heavy sigh at his desk, staring down at the documents on one side, and the ones already done steadily growing into another pile on the other. If Lenny knew how many hours he was actually working he’d surely get scolded. Or maybe the nurse already knew but decided not to fight a losing battle. But it was true that the sky was rapidly turning dark on the other side of the huge window in Ranjit’s office, the setting sun painting the constant fog of the Plagueground orange, like the whole world was on fire. Ranjit watched the scene for a few long minutes before he had to admit with another sigh he was definitely done for the day. He’ll just have a smoke, then some light dinner, probably some reading before bed. Maybe he’ll make some tea later from the tea Elliot gifted him for last Christmas, a blend intended to help with falling asleep. He definitely could use some sleep.
He was just thinking about what should he read that evening, mentally going through his bookselves when he stepped out of the school building through one of the many backdoors to find his usual spot and then he noticed a scrawny figure at the edge of the cliff. He was sitting on a bench, his back hunched, shoulders tense, looking out at the fog and the darkening sky. Ranjit immediately recognized the kid. He got more familiar with him lately than either of them expected.
"Mind if I join, Mr. Allan?" Ranjit approached the boy, pulling out a cigarette from his breast pocket. Edgar looked up in surprise, his usual polite but awkward smile appearing on his face.
"Oh, of course, it is okay, of course." He babbled, scooting over, even though he was already sitting close enough to the edge. "I did not know it was someone else’s spot, I did not want to disturb you, Sir."
"Don’t worry about it. I just like coming here sometimes to let of some steam. It’s a good thinking spot."
Edgar didn’t seem to know what to say to that so the silence stretched longer between them. Ranjit opened a little portal to conjure a lighter from it, the flame lighting up for a few seconds as he lit his cigarette before it died down again. He noticed how Edgar eyed the portal curiously before he averted his gaze. Probably tried to not be rude by staring. A small smile appeared at the corner of Ranjit’s mouth at the gesture. Edgar started staring at the fog instead, his fingers wrapping together tightly in his lap. Ranjit breathed out the smoke before he finally broke the silence:
"I’m sorry about what happened to your bird." Ranjit said and Edgar stiffened on his side.
"Thank you. And I am… I am sorry about how I was talking to you on the roof that day. I never properly said sorry, Sir."
"It’s okay, I understand. You lost a friend that day, that’s awfully difficult, even for us. And I didn’t make it easier for you either, with me doubting you for so long. I apologize again for that. It must’ve been hard for you."
"Oh, it’s… I mean… Well, I have my friends, they are very supportive and kind, and, yes, I’m, I am fine, yes, absolutely fine, everything’s good, yes, thank you."
Ranjit raised his eyebrows at Edgar’s rambling, the boy clearly not meeting his eyes. Despite how hard he was trying to lie, the words clearly practiced and repeated over and over again, he was a terrible liar. He’s an honest kid. Ranjit remembered Kerry saying a few days ago when he asked how the Allan boy was doing. He’s bright. Matthew also said something similar. And apparently Edgar was the only kid who enjoyed English. That definitely said something.
"I heard a lot of compliments about your school performance." Ranjit said, breathing out another puff. The smoke slowly sneaked towards the sky and Ranjit felt the tense muscles in his shoulders gradually let up.
"Really?" Edgar sounded so genuinely surprised, that Ranjit had to look at him, seeing the pure joy on the boy’s face before he bashfully looked down again. "I mean, thank you. I am trying my best."
"I heard you’re exceptionally well-read."
"Oh, well, I am trying. I am sure I am still nowhere compared to Dad and Grandad but… Yes. I am trying. I like reading."
Edgar didn’t seem to notice his words, still too occupied by the warmth he felt at Ranjit’s compliment but Ranjit’s brows furrowed at the comment. He read in the reports that the boy didn’t have much confidence, and he personally heard how his bird was considered unusual in his family. This is Poe, he is supposed to be a raven but he is not, he is a crow, as you can see… The silence seemed to stretch too long for Edgar’s liking because the boy looked up again, his eyes wide. Ranjit didn’t know exactly what that expression meant but he felt a little clench in his chest. That look, that bracing for the negative words that surely were coming was a bit too familiar for him to feel comfortable with. But Ranjit just decided to ask instead:
"You said you’re the first one in your family with a crow, am I right?" Edgar slowly nodded at that, his shoulders sagging.
"Dad and Grandad, and apparently everyone before them as long as we can trace our ancestors had ravens. I am the first one with a crow. Or, well, not even with a crow anymore, I guess." Ranjit’s heart clenched at Edgar’s tone. "How will I tell that to my family? That I don’t even have Poe anymore?"
"What happened to Poe wasn’t your fault. It also showed the deep bond between the two of you, which is clearly something to be proud of. I’m sure your parents would say the same." Ranjit said but the words did not seem to reach Edgar.
"I was sent here to learn how to control him and now it’s just… Everyone is saying that I am still cursed, that I can still learn and do so much but I don’t feel like… Maybe it’s a mistake I’m still here. Maybe I’m just a failure." Edgar added, his words so quiet even Ranjit could barely hear them. "I just… I just wanted to make Dad and Grandad proud, I wanted to be as cool as them, I wanted to prove that… I wanted to prove…" Edgar’s words died down, tears gathering in his eyes.
Ranjit suddenly felt a bit lost. He wasn’t used to comforting kids, that was more of Elliot’s and Frank’s expertise. But Edgar was making himself even smaller now, his shoulders trembling even though he tried very hard to keep his tears at bay. Ranjit suspected he’s been holding himself together for way too long.
"Have you already forgotten when I told you about how you father was completely unable to control his raven when he first came to St. Churnley’s?" Ranjit said instead, trying to keep his tone light.
"Well, no. But at least he had a raven. At least he had a bird."
Ranjit just blinked. Well, it was hard to argue with that. And though Ranjit knew it’s been very long since he last saw Elliot Allan, if his memories were anything to go by, he wasn’t surprised if Edgar wasn’t the most… supported at home. Elliot wasn’t a bad man, but he’s always been a bit cold and aloof, even when they attended school together. Maybe that didn’t change for the better. Maybe a kid like Edgar, someone with such a big heart, because he clearly had a huge heart, did not fit into an environment like that. Then Ranjit just looked at the boy, looking so sad and small and helpless, and decided to just say: fuck it.
"Well, maybe he did. But it took almost the full first year for him to make his raven heed to his first command."
"Really?!" Edgar looked at him bewildered and Ranjit couldn’t help but smile at his indignant expression.
"Oh, yes. I was in the same year as him, it was tragic, really. He once got into trouble because his raven was stealing magical artifacts from the late Hexmaster. And once his raven was… well, he was very clearly expressing that he didn’t like Mr. Moley."
Edgar’s expression was a mixture of astonishment and horror, likely feeling his father’s embarrassment as his own. But Ranjit just huffed out a little laugh, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his half-burned cigarette hanging between his fingers. Then his expression turned more serious, his gaze staying on the rolling fog in front of them as he said:
"You shouldn’t idolize your family members so much. It is wise to look up to others who know more than us but we shouldn’t brush our own achievements aside. I understand your strong desire to please your family. I come from a background that made me waste long years trying to prove my worth to people who would never see me as enough, no matter how hard I tried."
"Really?" Edgar’s voice was soft and quiet, and Ranjit smiled down at the grass at his feet, thinking back to a very similar, old version of himself.
"Really. My ancestors all have powerful conjuring skills. One could almost say they are historical. But being born into a family like that inevitably comes with high expectations and a kind of pressure no kid should endure. In the beginning I was absolutely unable to control my curse, I could only open the portals for conjuring when I had very intense emotions, it was completely out of control. Then I learnt how to open the portals at will but I was unable to control what would I conjure. You can imagine how well that went. In the best cases it was funny, in the worst cases it was dangerous. But even when I gained better control over my curse, I could never live up to my family’s expectations."
Ranjit could see himself as a little kid in his mind oh so very clearly still. The short kid who would trip over his own words, who would probably apologize even for his own existance if that made things easier for others, who would start lying in his letters he wrote to his parents. Not like that mattered when his mother was still a friend of the Steward of Control of their time and had informations on his every fuck up before he could make up some pretty lie about it in his letters. He was just trying so hard to make them proud. To prove his worth. To fit in.
"I once got into an argument with a classmate in the dining hall and accidently opened a portal and drenched everyone in tomato soup."
Edgar laughed out before he could catch himself and Ranjit’s lips curled up at the sound. At least the boy wasn’t looking so sad anymore. He didn’t need to hear all the ugly details Ranjit grew up with, he saw enough of that himself. After a few seconds of silence Edgar finally asked:
"Have you ever…?"
"Met their expectations?" Ranjit asked instead and Edgar hummed in agreement. Ranjit sighed and leaned back again, looking up at the first stars on the night sky. "I’m not sure but that doesn’t really bother me anymore." Edgar’s brows furrowed at that, like he didn’t quite understand where this conversation was going and Ranjit huffed. "What I’m trying to tell you is that you have to be able to find faith in yourself, to lean on your own abilities and trust that you can hold your own back. You have to learn how to be enough for yourself, regardless of what your family thinks of you."
"I do not… I do not quite know how to do that." Edgar admitted sheepishly but Ranjit hummed in understanding.
"That’s alright, one day you will understand. For now it’s enough if you plant the seed of that knowledge."
Edgar hummed at that a bit noncommittally but Ranjit took it as good enough for now. He was a smart boy. He’ll surely think it through and learn eventually. Ranjit conjured a little portal to flick his cigarette into the void and finally stood up with a sigh. Edgar stood up too, though he then started awkwardly standing from one leg to the other. Ranjit brushed off some nonexistent dust from his academic gown before he turned to Edgar again:
"I hope you will find your own strength eventually, Edgar. But for now I want you to know that from what we’ve seen from you as far with my colleagues, I would say you are the best Allan I’ve ever had the fortune to meet."
Edgar was too shocked to answer that, his bottom lip wobbling a bit as Ranjit decided to really say goodbye, advising Edgar to also go back to his dorm now. The boy was nodding along but decided to keep his mouth shut, not trusting his own voice yet. Ranjit turned around then, walking towards the backdoor again, his thoughts circling back to dinner and to that tea he promised to himself. But when he finally closed the door after himself, seeing Edgar still standing around at the bench, he thought if he could save at least Edgar Allan from going through all this suffering, then he already did well as a teacher.