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"okay, so." choso ran his hands through his hair while you were graciously banging your head on the table. "let's just do this one again, if you get this, you basically know everything."
"you've said that for the last," you check the clock, "five fucking hours, cho. i'll just fail and that's it!"
"while i'm your best friend, you will not fail o-chem." you groan, frustrated and angry and honestly on the verge of tears.
"can i just renounce you right now?"
"no, we are going to get through this," he says, stubbornly determined. he scrunches up his nose, as he often does when trying to appear more serious, but it is the cutest thing in the world.
"fine," you say, partly because you don't want him to go so soon and partly because you could really use a win in uni.
"good, then just look here, i'm going over it one more time."
his voice is so soothing. he should probably have an asmr channel. or a youtube channel explaining stuff. but then people would thirst over him way too much. you shake your head. no, that would not do.
"... the reaction is anti-markovnikov, and when you add oxygentaed water in an alkaline pH, you're going to get a ketone."
"uh-huh," you add helpfully. "and what is a markovnikov?" he looks in your eyes, probably trying to find any kind of hint that you are joking, but you are dead serious.
"let's just take a break, cho." finally, he seems resigned and just sighs before standing up and opening the fridge. he gets a soda for himself and your favorite beer, the one with tequila. he hands it to you, all the while looking intensely at you.
having been friends with him for more than half your life, you would think that you would be more... comfortable? normal? less edgy? generally not act like a touch-starved freak (which you are not)?
but something about him makes your skin tingle and your stomach turn upside down. it's not like how it used to be - whenever your hands would brush, you would jump out of your skin and your brain would shut down for half an hour. honestly, how did you function?
you would have said something ages ago, if he wasn't gay. seriously, sometimes it feels like the universe is just playing a huge prank on you. april's fool day all day everyday.
you take a gulp of your beer. and not to mention! today is your birthday and you are missing an important milestone in your year, that you promised yourself you would do.
you didn't get laid. at all. you dated three guys, maybe, and every single time you tried to do it, something went wrong. with that one frat guy, he got all drunk and started telling you about how he's doing it to pictures of his bros asses after a pump. so.
choso has gone quiet, lost in thought as he usually does. the silence between you is comfortable, so you take another sip of the beer and try to relax your shoulders and even out your breathing.
what next? that red-headed begged you to call him ron while doing it, which you probably should have seen coming, given the fact that every morning he would call his sister and ask what harry was doing and he'd call her ginny even though her name was alberta. really, how was that not a red flag?
the last guy was somehow the worst out of all. long, dark hair and dark eyes, built like a wardrobe, science-major (any resemblance to best friends was pure coincidence). gojo had hooked you up with him, which surely should have been the first hint. he cheated on you four times - and you overlooked that! you cried on choso's sofa more times than you can remember. he was always angry if you didn't respond to his texts before he sent them and would come and pick you up everyday so that your whole day was uni, eat, go to his place, sleep, uni.
the next day after you broke up with him, he came to class with a black eye but would refuse to tell what happened. nobody knew, but you saw choso's hands that day.
the point was, that you did not get to fuck this year at all, and you probably never will, and you will end up a sad virgin who doesn't even know what a markovnikov is.
you don't know when you drank all the beer. you don't even realize when you yell: "why does no one want to fuck me?!"
"i would."
and this man! and this man with whom you've been in love for ages, you think since you met him, why does he even keep hanging out with you?
"yeah, sure you would. if i was a boy, or what?" it came out a little bit meaner that you intended, but you had a right to be angry. first of all, you've been friends for more than a decade and he never once brought up that he's into guys. and second of all, he is into fucking guys! that eliminates you from the start...
"i'm not gay."
what.
"what? no, you are." when did your chairs suddenly slide so close together? your knees are practically brushing. oh, no, you can't do this. choso puts his hand on yours, as if wanting to solidify his words, bores into your eyes and turns your life around:
"i'm not gay. i'm into women only."
"but you...! that day! at yuki's birthday!"
choso's face goes from pale white to a pale pink and it has to be how davinci felt painting the mona lisa. your hands are still resting atop each other, but you do not mind it.
okay, you lied, you do, you do mind it, and you wish his hands would roam everywhere across your body, you wish he could touch you everywhere and his lips and you wish you could just melt together and be fused like that forever.
"you remember that?"
if you remembered that? it kept you up at night, how you were all sitting on yuki's purple carpet, playing truth or dare and when choso was dared to kiss the person he found most attractive he kissed fucking geto.
"you kissed geto!"
"i panicked!" choso suddenly stands up and he runs his hands through his hair, his brows furrowed and unease pulling at his muscles. you see a sliver of exposed skin as his hoodie raises up with the movement, and the beginning of a happy trail...
"the one i wanted to kiss was you but i was fucking afraid okay? oh my god, i did not think you remembered that! we were in high-school, for god's sake!"
the silence that settles in the room is suffocating, charged with an electricity you're not used to. you see choso's eyes dart to your lips and you lick them almost instinctively. but then he looks away and heads for the door.
"wait, choso! where are you going?"
you can't process anything, except for the fact that he said he wanted to kiss you back then, and judging from his reactions, he still wants to even know. you deserve each other. two dumbasses.
you latch onto the hem of his jacket and pull him towards you. your heart sinks when you see his tear-streaked cheeks and his watery eyes.
"you're crying?"
he chuckles almost sarcastically, and pulls away from you.
"yeah, cause i massively fucked up."
there are a million things you could say. how you've been in love with him for years, how you've dated that douche-bag imagining it was him instead, how you've been racking your brain every night and day for ways to spend more time with him without looking like a depraved attention-whore.
but none of it matters now. choso wants to kiss you. and maybe do more. oh god you'd let him.
so you say nothing. instead you hug him as tight as you can, just as his hand reaches for the door-knob. your arms circle him and you squeeze and you pray that he understands.
he does. he turns around, without you having to say anything and his arms come and rest over your middle. you've hugged him plenty of times before, but this time it's different. because this time you do it properly, as you had wanted for ages.
so you press on your toes and gently put his lips on his. it's feather-light, but it's more than you've ever thought you'd be allowed. you kiss the corner of his lips and it tastes like tears.
and then his hands are on your nape, that large hand of his and one is hoisting you up. you wrap your legs around choso's waist and his lips come crashing down on yours and gone is the tenderness. he opens your mouth and hungrily licks into it. he tastes like whatever soda he's been drinking earlier, and a little bit of cigarettes, but you love it, you love every second of it.
choso carries you all the way to your bed and puts you down like you're precious. his arms are on either side of your head and the urge to lick his forearms is stronger now than ever.
after a heart-beat of you two staring at each other, of you both regaining your composure a little, he says with a faint laugh:
"i've got rihanna as my wallpaper and you thought i was gay?"
you scoff. "i thought you liked her in a yas, queen way!" he starts laughing like a manic and you find a smile tugging at the corners of your lips. you can't help it.
you smack him on the shoulder. "stop it! i was fucking dying, okay? i thought the person i was in love with liked the other gender! do you realize how traumatizing that is?"
all your blood rushes to your face.
"you love me?"
"was it not obvious?" you roll your eyes and pull him closer by his neck. "i have loved you for every second since i've met you."
"well, i've loved you for every second since i've been born."
"we met when we where ten."
choso kisses your lips, the corner of your lips, the button of your nose, your eyebrow, your ear, bites your lobe.
"i knew how to love you from the day i was born."
you grab his chin and stare at him. "then fuck me like you mean it."
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"we polymerized!"
you threw a pillow at his face. how dare he bring up chemistry after he fucked you so hard you forgot your own name? definitely won't remember who marchinoivi... something was for your exam tomorrow. but it's fine. for once, something is going good in your life.