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The rain pattered against the tall windows late in the evening, the inside of the apartment was dark other than a standing lamp being the only source of light beside the street lights below. The sound of the clock ticking was the only thing audible inside the home and shuffling coming from the bedroom. In the bed, lay a lone man with layers of blankets on top of him as he tried to make himself comfortable in his best efforts despite struggling.
Kim Dokja inhaled a shaky breath as he tightened his hold on the duvet, curling into himself as discomfort arose once again. His body felt like it was on fire, aching from heat to toe as his fever spiked again. Currently, he found himself missing the person that was usually next to him. It hasn’t even been that long since he left in urgency once he has seen his condition worsen.
He isn’t sure how long it has been since Yoo Joonghyuk left, twenty… thirty minutes ago? Kim Dokja already lost track of time.
With his weak body, he was prone to getting sick often, leaving him bedridden most of the time. Barely leaving home other than doctor visits and maybe occasionally brought by Yoo Joonghyuk for fresh air when he felt somewhat alright enough to be outside. Pressing his face deep into the plush pillow, he closed his eyes as he tried to control his breathing while he began to think back to the past.
Ever since they married a few years ago, his health has been failing, not showing any signs of improvement to the point he had to quit working, relying on his husband, which made him feel guilty often. Yoo Joonghyuk often reassured him that it is alright and that he is more than alright to provide, expressing his displeasure of Kim Dokja working while ill.
But again, with no signs of improvement and multiple doctors, they were met with bad news and there was nothing they could do.
Terminally ill, that’s what they said. How long? Who knows. The doctors said with a glum face that it could be months, maybe a few years. His time could be over at any moment.
Kim Dokja shivered as he heard the front door to their home unlock. With difficulty, he pushed himself up from the bed with his arm, wrapping a blanket over himself.
Every day he felt like a burden, unable to do anything. He knew why and that he couldn’t do anything to fix it. No choice in this matter.
Slowly, he got up from the bed, ignoring his swaying vision as he trudged out of the bedroom towards where Yoo Joonghyuk was. He watched him shrug off his coat and shoes, holding a plastic bag provided by the pharmacy.
Soon enough, the two met eyes.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed,” Yoo Joonghyuk said, a frown immediately forming on his handsome face.
Kim Dokja only hummed, finding no energy to speak as he walked over to where the other stood, slowly leaning into him for comfort. He didn’t wait long as strong arms wrapped around his figure, bringing him closer.
Oftentimes, he thought about death that would soon come and take him. Was he afraid? Maybe, but he was more afraid and felt depressed at the thought of leaving Yoo Joonghyuk behind. The man who loved him dearly for many years, someone who stood by his side and even now, taking care of him.
One day he’ll be gone and Yoo Joonghyuk will be alone, without him by his side.
It pained him.
While his head was muddled with thoughts, Yoo Joonghyuk guided him back to the bedroom and helped him down onto the bed, quickly covering him with the rest of the blankets.
“I’ll bring you some medicine to drink,” Yoo Joonghyuk told him with a quiet yet soft voice.
They often ran out of medicine they had stored in their medicine cabinet due to how frequently he was ill, his immune weak and fragile. At first, he was sick and tired of drinking so much of it in addition to prescribed medication, but by now, he has grown used to the taste, unbothered by it.
It didn’t take long for Yoo Joonghyuk to come back, carefully sitting down beside Kim Dokja on the bed. He felt his large hands gently card through his silky but sweaty bangs, making him lean into the gentle touch he loved.
When he was younger, such touch was rare. He was used to pain and bruises that were all over his body and the calloused yet gentle hands that belonged to his mother. Someone he hasn’t seen in years since her imprisonment.
His mother.
Kim Dokja felt his eyes sting all of a sudden at the thought of his mother. Right, she didn’t even know that he won’t be here for much longer. He hasn’t told her, nor does he know how to contact her to inform her. If she were to search for him, she’d find his grave with his name engraved in it, buried below the ground where his body would rot.
Yoo Joonghyuk took quick notice of the sudden change in his emotional state.
“What’s wrong, Dokja-yah?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked, leaning in closer to hold him.
Kim Dokja shook his head. “Nothing,” he muttered. “I just…”
The other patiently waited for an answer, but it never came. Instead, he thought of something else.
“Joonghyuk-ah,” he said, the man’s attention fully on him. “Why don’t we go near the sea?”
“The sea?” Yoo Joonghyuk repeated, but the frown didn’t leave his face. “But you’re in no condition to travel…”
“Please.”
The man stared at him in thought, debating whether it was worth taking the risk with his husband in this condition, which rendered him bedridden.
But again, he was sometimes a weak man when it came to Kim Dokja. He fell in love with him and married him.
Yoo Joonghyuk sighed as he spoke. “Fine, tomorrow,” he agreed, tightening his hold on Kim Dokja’s bony hand.
Kim Dokja only let a small smile curve on the corner of his mouth as he laid down, not saying anything. Yoo Joonghyuk felt his heart ache at the sight of the person he loved struggling, knowing he couldn’t do anything other than to support him.
With the medicine for his fever now drunk, Kim Dokja slept while Yoo Joonghyuk remained by his side, watching his chest rise slowly.
When they married, they were twenty eight years old, with many plans and dreams for their future together as a couple. Now, at the age of thirty one, their plans wouldn’t come into fruition. Kim Dokja wouldn’t get to edit Han Sooyoung’s books anymore or enjoy them in his free time, too weak sometimes to even hold one up. Neither of them got the chance to move out of the city as planned, when they searched to purchase a home, needing to stay in the city due to Kim Dokja’s poor health. They wanted to have a family. And they wouldn’t even get that.
Yoo Joonghyuk brushed his thumb against Kim Dokja’s soft yet pale sickly skin gently, which made the other in deep sleep, subconsciously lean into the touch.
While he’s still by his side, he’ll give everything he can until he’s here no longer.
The sea shore was loud as waves reached the beach. The two men stood in front of it, watching the sun slowly set in the horizon.
Yoo Joonghyuk looked down to where Kim Dokja sat in the wheelchair slightly hunched over, the blanket covering him to keep him warm. This morning, he hadn’t been able to get up and use his legs, all too weak. But he was still determined to go despite Yoo Joonghyuk’s protests.
“Thank you, for taking me here,” Kim Dokja said, breaking the silence.
In response, he knelt down, still staring at him. The light made his sickly state more visible, making his gut twist in a way he hated.
A reminder.
“Joonghyuk-ah,” Kim Dokja spoke again, now turning back to look at him.
“Hm,” he responded with a hum, holding the other’s soft hand before bringing it to his face to leave a feathery kiss.
“Once I’m no longer here-” Kim Dokja started, but he was interrupted instead.
“Dokja, don’t start,” he said, feeling pained by having this conversation.
He knew, he knew well that there wasn’t much time left. But he hated having this conversation. This reminder, that he wouldn’t be here for more long.
“Joonghyuk-ah,” Kim Dokja continued. “Once I’m no longer here… please, live.”
“It pains me to know that I’ll leave you behind. But please live and be happy.”
Then, Kim Dokja was brought into a tight embrace, surprising him slightly, but he quickly leaned into it, welcoming the warmth.
Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands shook as his eyes stung. He wasn’t one to cry or get emotional that often, but the words still struck. How could he be happy without him by his side? After all the years they spent together and faced the struggles thrown at them.
No words were exchanged, the two remained in each other’s embrace for a while longer, ignoring the growing cold temperature.
It has been a few months since their visit to see the sea. Now instead, the smell of antiseptic permeated the halls of the hospital where he stood emotionlessly. Yoo Joonghyuk felt himself grow numb as he stared at his hands that held a letter left by Kim Dokja. The ache in his chest only grew.
The hospital room that Kim Dokja resided in for the past few weeks has been emptied now, fresh bed sheets changed for the next patient to take over.
He remained by his side until Kim Dokja spoke his last words with tears in his eyes, until his last breath, watched how his body relaxed as he passed, the sound of the heart rate monitor letting everyone know of his passing.
For hours, even after his passing, he remained by his side until his body was taken to the morgue, to prepare for the dreaded funeral.
The letter in his hands crumpled slightly from the pressure, his wedding ring still on his finger. Yoo Joonghyuk let out a shaky breath as he opened it. The handwriting on the paper looked shaky, some lines thicker or thinner. But it was still his handwriting.
To Yoo Joonghyuk
By the time you’re reading this, I’ve passed and am no longer by your side.
I wanted to leave you something, a letter, some last words before I left. It was difficult to write, not due to my lack of strength that I had little left, but what to say.
But I wanted to tell you that I’m glad I met you. I was always happy to have you, to be with you, to live with you, to share vulnerable words and moments with you that I can’t even describe in words. I’ll cherish them forever, even when I’m no longer here and wherever my soul is.
Joonghyuk-ah, please remain strong and happy, take care of yourself, if not for you, then for me. Promise that you’ll do that for me, okay?
I love you,
Yours, Kim Dokja.
Tears fell onto the paper, staining it. Yoo Joonghyuk’s shoulders shook as he slid down against the wall onto the floor. Soon enough, a sob left him as he sat on the floor hunched over, the letter still in his hold. The tears just wouldn’t stop, but he made no move to calm himself, not caring of the commotion he was causing, ignoring the passerby’s worried glances and words.
Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to yell, curse, break something. But he felt weak, finding no strength in him to even get up.
All he could think of was Kim Dokja. His laugh, his smile, his habits.
He missed him.
The apartment was quiet. Not even the sound of the clock ticking was audible.
In bed lay a lone man that used to be shared, hugging a sweater that belonged to someone he once held close, no longer here. The scent of the person he longed for clung onto the item, a scent he missed.
He couldn’t find it in him to get rid of items that were left behind. From books that covered the shelves, the clothes, the notebooks that had familiar handwriting.
It was all too dear to him.
Now he remained all alone, missing the person that he could no longer see, smell, touch or hear. Immortalized only in pictures that were frozen in time.