Chapter Text
Sirius had once called Regulus a crow, sneaking around and collecting pretty jewels.
Regulus found this funny, because he saw himself as more of a dove.
Regulus always avoids the family drama; he lives craving a moment of peace. He sits in his room, doodling the constellations and reading classic books. He writes stories about being saved by a prince from a faraway palace. One willing to love him genuinely and fully. But he isn't a child anymore, and no one is coming to save him. No matter how hard he dreams, he never feels safe.
Meals are always the worst. Orion rambles endlessly about politics, causing Sirius to bark back. Regulus kicks him under the table and wishes that for once, Sirius would shut up. Orion seems to grow more aggressive each day. Regulus sees Orion as a traditional man with a lack of patience and understanding. The type of person who will only tolerate you if you respect him. Meanwhile, Sirius sees him as the devil himself. One who causes pain and suffering for no reason. Both brothers would be right. Walburga sits silently, clearly disappointed in her family. She had never wanted to marry, let alone have children, but didn't have much of a choice. She was just a teen when she had married Orion and soon after, she had Sirius. Sirius' worst fear is him or Regulus ending up like their mother: victims of tradition. At the dinner table, Regulus and Sirius aren't friends. They're barely even brothers. Regulus sits still like a sad porcelain doll while Sirius pounces and feeds on the drama like a starving cat; total opposites, both wishing the other would join their ways. Still, their relationship comes back to life each moment they're alone.
This summer, the family is spending a few months in their home in France. Dinner ended earlier than usual. Sirius had cursed at Orion, causing the boy's father to throw the dinner table, where all the plates shattered. Walburga refused to cook another meal. Regulus, defeated, retreated to his bedroom. Sirius huffs and follows him upstairs. "Can you believe that? He's ridiculous!" Sirius says, walking into Regulus' room like it's his own.
Regulus rolls his eyes. "You're ridiculous.",
"Come on, you don't mean that. But seriously, that man is the worst. You don't even know it." Sirius continues to ramble on, while Regulus writes notes in his journal.
"He wouldn't be that terrible if you didn't start fights."
Sirius grows annoyed by his brother's response. "So, what, it's my fault?"
Regulus drops it, retreating as if he pricked his finger on a thorn. "No. It's his."
"Right, then. Well, anyways. What are you writing about?" Sirius eyes Regulus, who's still distracted with his book.
Regulus immediately defends himself: "Nothing! Mind your business!" Sirius laughs and snatches the journal from him. He opens it up to see a shitty love letter:
'I grow exhausted waiting to see you again.
The ocean stretches, separating us further.
My heart longs for yours.
Take mine and I'll take yours.
Then, I will never have to miss you again.
-R.A.B.'
Regulus tries to snatch it back, but Sirius holds his hands together tightly as he finishes reading it. "Who is this to?", Sirius asks somewhere between protective and humored. Regulus glares, refusing to answer. "It's quite bad, you know. It makes you sound ill. Like a cannibal, waiting to feast..." Sirius makes a creepy hand movement, mocking his brother. "I didn't know you were such a romantic. Not surprising, though". Regulus snatches his book back. Sirius laughs and continues pushing: "It's someone from back home, isn't it? Is it someone I know?!"
Suddenly, Regulus loses it. With anger and helplessness in his eyes, he stares at his brother: "You ruin everything. Go. Please."
Sirius huffs and leaves without a response, appalled by his brother's dramatic response. When he reaches the door, he hears paper crumbling and turns around to see Regulus tearing up the page. He closes the door and walks out. He goes to his bedroom and locks the door before turning around and opening up his window. He crawls out carefully, dropping to the ground from the second floor. He flicks off the house before scurrying off down the road to his bike. He rides as fast and aggressively as he can without going out of control. The trees blur as he goes along the bumpy trail.
Within ten minutes, he arrives at his favorite cafe. He hides his bike in the alley, trusting a bit too much that it won't be stolen. He walks into the shop and suddenly a heavenly wave crashes into him, blessing him and returning him back to his true self. He feels free from his parents, his brother. He goes up to the counter with his freshly refilled energy. "Bonsoir, je vais prendre un café, s'il vous plaît". The barista nods and goes to the coffee machine.
Sirius looks around at all the paintings hung up on the walls. Sirius was always an artist. Not the type to paint fine lines of landscape, but the type to use splatters of color to convey emotions. The type to dig into the canvas with his bare hands. He analyzes each piece, giggling to himself as he judges them. His eyes lands on one painting of the sea. 'It's boring', he thinks, 'Something Regulus would like'. He then turns around to see his coffee ready and waiting for him. He takes it and walks out of the cafe.
He sits on one of the chairs outside and looks around the peaceful street, taking a few sips from his drink. Then, he calls his emergency number without looking. "Hello?", Sirius says, excited to hear from his friend.
"Sirius? How are you doing?" Remus asks genuinely, though he sounds a bit distracted.
"Bad. I hate it here. I want to go home."
Sirius can hear a frown in Remus' voice. "You mean James' place?"
"Yeah." Sirius responds in defeat.
"Well, summer is almost over, you know", Remus reassures.
Sirius' voice grows more frantic, "I can't last another second here! It's a literal hell. No one gets me like you guys do."
"Where are you right now?", Remus says sternly. Sirius can tell he's worried.
"Sitting outside of a cafe.
"Go home, Sirius. Get some sleep. Get through the week. Everything will be back to normal again soon, okay?"
Sirius sighs loudly before responding: "okay."
"Bye. Stay safe for me, alright?" With that, Remus hangs up. Sirius sits in silence for a minute before standing up, throwing out his coffee, and getting on his bike. He rides back home, his peace short-lived. This time he rides slowly, dreading reaching his home. He wishes he could just ride his bike to Northern France and swim back to London.
Sirius arrives home and climbs back up to his window. He collapses onto his bed, pretending he'll be able to sleep. It doesn't work. He stands back up and exits his room, deciding to go and check on Regulus. He knocks quietly on the door, but there's no response. He cracks the door open. "I'm coming in...", he says as he slowly opens the door all the way, but the younger boy's room is empty. Sirius walks around the room before reaching the window. He looks out and sees Regulus' bike is now gone. He scoffs at his brother's growing boldness and goes to his own bedroom, climbing back into bed.
Regulus rides his bike through the city, on his way to the post office. Though it's very uncommon, Regulus has sneaked out before. The first time was to find his favorite chocolates when he wasn't feeling well. The second time was to get away from all the people at one of the holiday parties his parents hosted. Now, he was sneaking out because he was determined to send a letter to James. He has always had some sort of feelings for James, but recently he has been desperately trying to grow closer to him. He stops his bike at the post office and stands in front of the mail deposit box, holding a post card close in his hands. On one side is a beautiful painting of a park in the city with cursive letters saying 'France'. The sea in the photo sparkles ethereally, contrasting the reality of his summer. He flips over the post card to read the message one last time:
'James,
I am having a great summer!
Yesterday I got to swim in the
lake on my parent's property.
It was very peaceful.
I don't want to go back to
England but I am very excited
to see you all. Until then!
-R.A.B.'
He analyzes all his lies, praying they'll make James like him more. He wasn't having a great summer, and he doesn't even know how to swim, but he doesn't want to seem weak. He wants to seem strong and resilient like his mother, like Sirius. He pushes the letter into the box and gets back on his bike, heading home. He paints his life into a beautiful picture, covering all of the greys.
Both brothers stay up alone in their rooms all night, dreaming of going away to a home that isn't their home.
Regulus always imagined himself as a dove: angelic and peaceful. Too peaceful for the dark life he lives. In reality, he was always a crow and thinking that he could be a dove only proves how much of a crow he is.