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I'm in my black hoodie and loose Nike sweats, the one non-dysphoric pair that I wear most of the week when I can get away with it. My back is pressed against Aulik's chest, his long athletic legs outstretched on either side of me. With one large brown hand, he strokes my hair as we lay on the couch together watching Adventure Time. I allow it, feeling my curls catch gently on those long manicured fingers. He holds his palm out in front of my face and it’s as though he has read my mind.
“See, nothing. No balding for you my dear.”
“Pfft,” I respond, though I begin to feel that awful sense of anticipatory dread tunneling through my psyche, itching to reach the surface of my consciousness. Baldness was just the tip of the iceberg, really. A fixation whose only purpose was to distract me from the burdens of a seemingly endless list of unknowns. I wanted to say this and then some, but I was so relaxed, a rare gift I had the wisdom to savor. I closed my eyes, though the flashing lights of the television screen accompanying Jake and Finn's adventures was still visible through my eyelids.
“No balding today you mean.”
“Sshhh,” Aulik responds gently, as he begins to message the nape of my neck. I sigh with gratitude, tipping my head back into his hand. It feels as though he intuitively knows where my anxiety knots it's self into bundles of tension. He's touch was firm but gentle and safe. “One day at a time Lanceeee” he tells me in that somewhat obnoxious singsong voice he likes to make when I'm anxious. He isn’t wrong though. Transitioning is hard. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the first 3 and a half months of being on T, it’s that sometimes “no *insert inconvenience here* today” is as good as it’s going to get. That goes for balding, familial rejection, acne, and any other item off the list of potential unwanted consequences associated with gender transition. It was still worth it undeniably, to feel myself inching closer and closer toward freedom and wholeness. One can only hope for the best and adjust as needed. Aulik wraps his arms around my waist and burrows his chin into the soft space between my neck and shoulder blade. With our chests rising and falling in rhythm, the two of us begin to doze off into a dream.