Work Text:
What is your goal in life?
This question might not be that simple to answer, especially when you have accomplished more than you have ever imagined to yourself.
When you’re in your 40’s, one of the things you wish to accomplish is to live for at least more 20 years.
I just wish to live.
“Blake?”
I look down at the boy sitting on the chair, his eyes watching me as I probably have some intrigued expression on my face judging by the way he furrowed his eyebrows. A couple of notebooks and one book open on the wooden table in front of us, while the TV is on somewhere as I get distracted for a few seconds hearing the intro for that creepy Adventure Time cartoon.
I clear my throat, trying to get me some extra time to formulate an answer. I have an answer already, but it’s not exactly what a 10 year old should write for his homework.
How could I make him understand? This is my challenge of the week and it’s fine. I have to do my best for Kingston because he deserves it.
“This is a tough one to answer, but I’ll just say what I have in mind for this one and then you can write about it, ok?”
“Ok”
“I’ma start with a short story. It might be boring, but just hold on and try not to fall asleep.” He giggles and nods, giving me thumbs up to continue.
“I’ve had a tough life since very young. I’ve always wanted to make music, always loved music, country music. It’s all I had in mind. I grew up and things didn’t change in my heart. Sometimes when you become an adult your list of priorities grow bigger and that wasn’t different in my case, but music was always at the top of my little list. I went to live in Nashville, and after some hard work and years later when things started to work for me, l had finally achieved what I wanted, which was make country music, sing to people and have my record out there.”
I paused to make sure he was following. Kingston was holding his pencil up while tapping on the white pages of his notebook.
“So… it’s music, right?”
“Well, it was.”
“What you mean?”
“I mean, I got my records out, made a lot of money out of it, I was successful at a young age and slowly got respect from people. Then I got married. Then I got divorced. Then I got married again and music was always there for me…but…”
I glanced at him and I realized he’s still paying attention. “But…” It’s a little bit crazy to talk about these things with anyone, specially with a kid. I must confess it makes me a bit nervous because I don’t want to lie to him.
Apollo comes running towards us, mumbling something with his pacifier on his mouth and I have no idea what he’s whining about. Kingston sighs heavily. “Apollo! you need to share Blakey with me!”
“It’s okay, buddy, I’m not going anywhere.”
I pick him up and put him on my lap and he instantly snuggle up against my chest.
“So, as I was tellin’ ya… I felt something was missing. Something that money can’t buy. Something beyond a musical career.”
I look down to the kid almost asleep in my arms before I go on. “Family.” I say without looking away. “I wanted a family. I wanted to have someone waiting for me to go home. I wanted to have someone I could love unconditionally, someone I could teach how to go fishing or play the guitar… ya know?”
“Wait… weren’t you married before marrying mom?”
“Yes…”
He looks down on his notes, thinking hard on something and now I think maybe I should’ve kept it simple. I don’t know what’s going on, but that question just made me feel all types of ways and here I am, having a conversation about the story of my life with a boy.
Kingston’s voice drags me out of my own thoughts. “Then I guess you wanted kids?”
“Always. ”
“Then why you didn’t have them?”
“It’s complicated, King… it just… didn’t happen.”
“Why?”
Because of lies, so many lies. Abortions. Cheating. Drinking. Money over dreams. Power over love.
“Well… I guess God didn’t want that for me. Who knows. Anyways… when I think about that question, I realize I’ve become who I wanted to be, even with all the ups and downs of life. I’ve achieved everything I always wanted in life.”
“But you still don’t have kids. You said you wanted kids.”
When did this conversation become so serious?!
“God has His ways. I’d never complain about that.”
“That’s why God put me and my brothers in your life. Like your song says.”
I miss the look on his face during his answer since I’m too lost in my own mind and the memories that this talk have awoken in me and I’m not so sure if this is a good material for some random homework anymore, but the sincerity of his perspective touches my soul.
Yes. God gave me these boys to love as if they were mine. God gave me this chance to be a father figure to them. God showed me I was worth all the love I’m getting now. Because of His love for me, I learned how to deal with nightmares and kids crawling on your bed in the middle of the night to not only feel safer, but also silently let you know they trust you enough to scare their monsters away. I’ve learned how change diapers like a pro. Not to mention the sleepless nights wondering if I could make time for them, quality time. Naps with this little one after lunch, teaching Zuma about sports, help Kingston with homework, it was all in His plans.
Simple things in every father’s life like watching them run around the house making a hell of a mess and still be able to join the fun.
But the look in his eyes are not what I expect to see. He faces me and I have that strange feeling inside as if I’m being exposed and I honestly have no idea why exactly I’m feeling this way. Maybe because there’s so much of Gwen in his eyes – and I simply can’t hide anything from them.
“Yeah.” I smile at the reference. “I have y’all now. I’m happy now. I don’t need anything else in life.”
He smiles shyly while nodding. I see him turn to face his notebook as he starts writing. I ruffle his dark hair a little with my free hand as I stand up holding Apollo.
“I’m gonna put this little cowboy in bed and check on Zuma then I’ll be right back. You’ll be okay? Any questions?”
Kingston yawns shaking his head. “I got this. Thank you so much, Blake.”
“Anytime, buddy.”
“Shhh, it’s okay, buddy… it’s me… goodnight. Sleep tight.. Love you”
“Love you too.”
Zuma nods a little dizzy from his sleep. I put one more blanket over him because it will get colder during the night. I put his glasses on the nightstand and tip toe my way out of the bedroom, turning the lamps off.
I turn around making a mental note to go check on what’s in the fridge. I stop by the kitchen entry to see Kingston sleeping over the books. I smile at how sweet he is, although after 5 minutes into a conversation with him makes you forget he’s only 10.
I pick him up and take him to his bedroom, tuck him in and place a kiss of good night on his forehead.
This kid is so amazing.
I walk back to the kitchen to check on his homework, thinking twice before taking the dissertation in my hands to read it and I can’t believe I’m getting emotional right in the first sentence.
One of my heroes’ greatest goals in life is to have a family he can take care of, a family he can protect and love unconditionally. He is happy now because God gave him a chance to be a dad. A great dad number two for me and Zuma and Apollo. I think he doesn’t know I love him as if he was my real dad too. I hope I can make him proud because he already makes me proud.
The phone must be ringing for some time now. I wipe the tears away as I see a couple of missed calls on my phone’s screen. Before I hit the button to call Gwen back, I get a text from her.
I hope they’re not being too wild. B there in 20 and I’m all urs. Love u so.gx
I walk towards Apollo’s bedroom to check on him and also get the baby monitor when I hear him crying. I chuckle as I quickly text Gwen back.
Walking into the room there he is, my little cowboy.
“I told your mama we don’t need this baby monitor at all because you sure are more efficient than it’ll ever be.”
I lay down again with him, putting him close rocking him back and forth as I hum whatever comes in my head and realizing being a father is more than sharing blood.
I truly understand what is like to look at them wishing they’d never grow up, wishing they could be in your arms forever, to protect and spoil them and be surprised when, at the same time, you want them to grow up happy and achieve their own goals in life. All you need is to pray you can be there to support them no matter what, from being a shoulder to cry on to hearing that you can’t tell them what to do… because they’re not kids anymore.
“Even if you don’t love me like this one day, I’ll still be there for ya.”
I brush his wild curls away from his face as his sleepy eyes slowly close.
I can’t lie. My mind is still on Kingston. I keep thinking about the chat from earlier today and his homework task… and honestly it was not only special, but also healing.
Before I drift into sleep as well, I thank God once again for all the lessons learned, for all the blessings, for the second chances in life, for all the love, for this life, for my wife, for those boys.
My boys.