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No one moved for a long while after Caine left. All frozen, momentarily suspended in time as the true reality of their situation fully sets in.
There was no escape, of course there wasn’t. It had all been too easy, the solution to years of pain and suffering handed to them on a silver platter and no one had even questioned it, so desperate that they overlooked the gaping holes in their plan. Jax had known that the whole time, sure that none of this was real, and yet he had still taken the bait. Made a fool out of himself—and for what?
He could feel their gaze on him, a prickling sensation on the back of his neck, making his insides twist. They were right to hate him, after all, if any of this had been real, he had just doomed them all to an eternity of this digital hell.
How ironic. The cruelest thing he had ever done to them all and it wasn’t even out of malice. He couldn’t reap the rewards, revel in their discomfort, mock them as they whined and groaned. None of this had been his true intent. He really and truly did want to help, why else would he have tagged on to this suicide mission in the first place?
What he did would have been horrific, his final truly selfish act. Condemning them all to an existence of agony forevermore.
All because of him. Because he couldn’t face reality. Because, under the hyper masculine persona that he had constructed for himself, Jax was a coward.
He could feel another wave of hysteria bubbling to the surface and had to fight to keep it down. There really was no leaving here, was there? They’ll all be forced to live out the rest of their days stripped of their humanity, being puppeted along by Caine, simply playthings and nothing more, not even being granted the sweet release of death in the end. Freedom for them came in the form of insanity, losing oneself finally allowing them to be free of this torment. Well luckily for him, he was already halfway there.
Tears prick Jax’s eyes and the edges of his vision begin to blur, his chest rising and falling in quick shallow pants. He couldn’t bear being here with them a moment longer. He had to get out of there.
The moment he got into his room, slamming the door and flopping down onto his bed in a defeated heap, the visions started again. This time, rather than evoking peace, he felt a deep seated sense of anxiety. The walls of his room began to warp and distort, bright colours burning his retinas, his own sick laughter ringing in his ears, his heart hammering away at his chest as if it were a caged animal desperate to break free.
A tingling sensation began in his chest, jagged and painful to the touch, the wound sharp as though he had just been impaled. As the sensation spread, he could feel himself slipping away, powerless to stop it, not sure that he wanted to. He’s not sure what awaited him on the other side but knew in his heart that it couldn’t be worse than this.
The tingling moves to his head and a scream is ripped from his throat, inhuman and feral, colours still dancing in his vision. His own voice was now joined by countless others, their suffering universal. The sensation started to press down on his throat now, making it even harder to breathe, Jax’s broken, cracked laugher beginning to die.
The air around him was a cacophony of sound, a strange twisted carnival song beginning to fill his ears, worming its way into his brain. This was hell, he decided as his eyes slipped shut for the last time, a strange sense of peace flowing through him at the thought.
He was rudely interrupted by someone frantically shaking him, calling his name over and over. His vision was blurry at first and his ears weren’t much better, the speaker’s voice muffled and distant in such a way that it was impossible to figure out who they were, and yet he had a sneaking suspicion.
And sure enough, when the oxygen returned to his brain and he blinked back into consciousness, Pomni was there, crouched over him, panicked tears in her eyes as she called his name over and over, clutching his limp body with all the strength she had left in her.
Jax isn’t quite sure how she managed to get in, half convinced that she was just another hallucination, almost positive that he had locked the door behind himself. He reaches an arm out to touch her, just to make sure that she was real, not just something his dying brain had conjured up and feels the pounding of her heart beating against the palm of his hand.
“You ever heard of knocking?” He jokes weakly, mortified at the situation but still lacking the physical strength to lift himself up out of her grip. At the sound of his voice, Pomni’s shoulders heave as she begins to sob, her hot tears spilling onto his chest. “Sheesh, quite the drama queen aren’t ya?”
“Jax.” She chokes out after a moment, her voice catching in her throat. “I thought—“
“Yeah, well you thought wrong.” He cuts her off defensively and tries again to sit up barely managing, propping himself up on his elbows, trying to create as much space between the two as possible. “And quit the crying will ya. You’re getting snot everywhere.”
“Uhh,” Pomni starts slowly, slightly taken aback. “I don’t have a nose. How would I even have snot?”
“Hey, nothing’s impossible,” He shrugs, trying to push down the boiling pain in his chest. “I mean, I’m talking right now but I’m not opening my mouth, am I?”
“Yeah but—“ She tries, her brow furrowing in confusion and an expression of mild amusement creeping onto her face.
“Small minded, aren’t we?” Jax pokes a finger right between her eyes before lifting up his arms and adding dryly. “This is the amazing digital circus after all. Pretty much anything’s possible here, remember?”
Pomni sighs and rolls her eyes, a small smile still tugging at her lips.
They sit together in silence for a few awkward seconds before she finally addresses the elephant in the room. “Soo, uh. How are you feeling? After— y’know,” She makes a vague gesture with her hands. Jax gets the message and his irises widen into huge black pools, his own smirk slipping off his face and leaving a far more vacant expression behind.
“Oh yeah, perfect.” He spits out bitterly, catching Pomni’s eye before quickly turning away, her haunted expression only serving to worsen the pain in his chest. He can feel his breath quickening again and curses himself internally.
Of all the people to find him like this, why did it have to be her?
“Jax.” There’s a note of softness in her voice and she reaches out a hand in an attempt to console him. Jax flinches as if he had been burned and she quickly withdraws it, letting it hang lamely in her lap.
Silence envelops the two of them again and Pomni makes no effort to break it, waiting patiently for Jax to speak. He feels a strange resentment because of this, hating how kindness was like second nature for her. That she was extending that kindness to him, the one who deserved it least in this whole circus. He has half a mind to throw her out, to let her bother someone else with her incessant worrying.
“It hurts.”
The moment the words slip out, Jax feels a deep seated sense of horror at how easily he had broken, how Pomni was looking at him again. He needed to rectify the situation somehow, a strange misplaced anger blooming at the fact that he hadn’t thrown her out when he had the chance.
“I know.”
Jax laughs at that. A true unhinged cackle that bounces off the walls and sounds alien to his ears. How could she possibly know how he felt? She had been trapped here for what? A few months at a stretch. She had no idea how it felt to lose people, to lose your mind. To lose yourself.
The truly selfish part of himself wishes she did. He wants to see her suffer, convinced that it would somehow alleviate his own pain. The more rational part of his brain cries out in defiance, waging an internal war that lit up all his synapses. Ultimately, one side won and Jax did what he does best. Self sabotage.
“It’s your fault.”
The effect is instantaneous: Pomni’s shoulders slump and she retreats into herself, breathing quickening. Jax immediately regrets it, the words feeling like acid on his tongue. Of course it wasn’t her fault, how could it ever have been. It was nothing short of cruel to blame her for his own issues, but that was who he truly was. Cruel.
The vile words kept flowing out seemingly beyond Jax’s control, a flood of hate intended to infect Pomni’s bloodstream, poison her brain. “I mean—“ Another mad laugh falls out of his mouth and he throws his head back, placing one clammy palm against his forehead, chest heaving. “How stupid can you get? Seriously Poms, Some mysterious mannequin appears out of nowhere saying it can solve all your problems and you just— believe it without a second thought? Yeesh. Really thought you were smarter than that.”
“Guess you really were the dumb one after all. That’s pretty funny, huh?”
“Oh no.” Pomni’s standing now, her little face crumpled into a scowl, making a noise of frustration between her teeth. “No, no no. We’re not doing this again. I just walked in on you dying and now you’re just going back to the same old [BLEEP].”
She pokes a finger into his chest hard and he winces despite himself, his body still weakened from his near abstraction mere moments ago.
“Why are you so desperate to keep up this—“ She pauses for a moment, searching for the right words “This stupid charade? Yes, today was horrible and yeah, following an NPC was pretty stupid.” She throws her arms in the air. “But you know why I did that? Because I had a life, Jax. Because I have people out there that I care about. Because I want to go home.”
“Should’ve learnt by now that there’s no escape.” He shrugs, flopping down onto his pillow and tucking his arms behind his head. “Did’ja really think it would be that easy? That we could just waltz on out of here and back into the real world just like that?” Jax mimes walking with two of his fingers for emphasis, relishing the look on Pomni’s face as he does so, trying desperately to ignore the mad twisting in his gut.
“None of it was real, Pomni.” Jax says slowly, dragging out the words almost tauntingly, his voice void of any emotions despite the burning inside threatening to engulf his body whole. “Cause nothing here ever is. Can’t believe after all this time, I’m the only one who’s come to terms with that.”
“Oh yeah?” There’s undisguised venom in Pomni’s voice now, a warning signal that gives Jax a millisecond to react before she goes in for the kill. “Is that why you pressed the red button then? Because you were so sure it was all fake?” Her voice drops to something barely above a whisper “You didn’t seem very convinced to me.”
It’s a low blow, even for her but they both know full well that Jax deserves it. If anything, she had been going easy on him thus far, considering his behaviour leading up till now.
Jax sits up and pulls Pomni violently towards him by one of the ends of her hat, forcing her to fall forwards onto the bed, bells jingling, their faces inches away from one another, her eyes frantically searching his for any sign of sanity he might still have intact.
“You really wanna know why I pressed it, Pompom?” Jax leans forward until he’s right above her ear, his warm breath tickling the side of her neck. “Because I hate you. You and everyone else. And cause I thought it would be funny. Seeing you all get that close just to have it ripped away from you at the last moment.”
“That’s a lie” She spits back, her body twitching in anger. “That’s a lie and you know it.”
“Is it?” He cocks his head, the lazy smile returning until it took up about two thirds of his face. “You sure about that?”
Pomni opens her mouth to argue but Jax cuts her off before she can, “And besides, even if it was, it doesn’t change anything. You’re never gonna see the outside world again, so what’s the point in trying? You really wanna live out the rest of your days as some sad cartoon clown, going on some stupid adventures until you finally lose your marbles?” The smile drops from his face, “Just give up, Pomni. I know I already have.”
—
He kicks her out of his room shortly after that, and the moment the door slams behind her, Jax breaks down again, huge heaving sobs momentarily robbing him of his ability to breathe.
After the initial shock at their confrontation, guilt slowly but surely begins to set in, seeping through his bones until it’s almost unbearable. He fucked up again. What a surprise.
He couldn’t just leave it like this. Pomni was more vulnerable now than she had been the last time they fought, her whole worldview momentarily shattered, needing to reevaluate her existence and the fact that she was really and truly facing eternity in this hellhole.
As much as it pained him to think it, he knew he needed to apologize. Even though every second of it was guaranteed to be agony, he had really crossed a line this time. This was overkill, even for him.
He reluctantly drags himself up and out into the hall, feet dragging along as if they were made of led until he was finally face to face with Pomni’s portrait on the front of her door.
He takes a deep breath then knocks once. Then again. Then again.
No response.
He wonders for a split second if she had gone elsewhere, maybe to Ragatha’s to vent her frustrations. In fact, he’s almost about to turn on his heel and skulk back into his own room, head hanging low in defeat when he hears a small noise from behind the door.
It sounded like a muffled cry.
Panic overrides the more logical side of his brain and he scrambles for the key to her door, scratching it against the wooden surface as he hurriedly shoves it into the lock, dreading the sight that awaits him.
The door clicks open and he takes one cautious step into the room, the light from the hallway cutting through the shadows. For a moment, he can’t make out anything, just a strange collection of shapes, until his gaze lands on her.
Curled in the corner, hand over her mouth, chest rising and falling rapidly. That alone would be enough to cut Jax open, cause his red hot insides to gush out onto the ground, but as he stares he notices something awful.
An ugly, jagged black mass is making its way up her arm. Her eyes are fluctuating between every pulsing colour of the rainbow and then some.
Shit.
It’s your fault.
It’s your fault.
It’s your fault.
His earlier words pound like a mantra in his skull, the pain so immense that he feels as though he’s on the brink of passing out, his breaths coming out quick and ragged.
Pomni was going to die.
Because of him.
Because instead of talking to her like any reasonable person, he had decided to be the biggest dick imaginable. Taunting her and kicking her while she was already down. No consideration for how she was feeling after all this.
Because of course, why on earth would Jax think about someone other than himself? Take a step back and try to put himself in their shoes. That would require some kind of emotional intelligence and despite the abundance that the others seemed to possess, it was clearly in short supply.
Jax faintly realises that his knees have given way beneath him and he reaches forward, scooping Pomni into a bone crushing hug as she stares sightlessly at the wall behind his head, eyes still cycling between a plethora of colours.
There was nothing he could say or do to make this all go away. Emotions had never been his strong suit.
He can feel the sting of abstraction as it crawls further up Pomni’s body and comes into contact with his stomach. She doesn’t have long now.
Jax begins to run a hand through her hair absentmindedly, a half hearted attempt at what was intended to be a soothing gesture as she writhed to and fro in his arms.
“[BLEEP]” He throws his head back in frustration and lets out a deep sigh, his hands beginning to tremble. “I really [BLEEP]ed this one up, didn’t I?” He jokes weakly, more to himself than to her.
“All the things I said back there, I didn’t mean it. Y’knew that though, didn’t you.”
Pomni doesn’t respond, just continues to stare into nothingness, her throat closing up more by the second.
“You weren’t stupid for wanting to believe you could get out of here either. I mean, for a moment there I really thought—“ He lets the sentence trail off with a laugh that tickles the back of his throat. “Doesn’t matter.”
No response.
“And for the record, I don’t hate you. You’re pretty much the only person I can actually tolerate in here. I mean that’s not exactly much, but hey it’s something—right?”
The more Jax rambles on, the greater his sense of desperation becomes, he can feel bile rising in his mouth and he has to make an active effort to not throw up all over Pomni, still shaking in his arms.
“You’re not gonna leave me stuck with these [BLEEP]holes for eternity are you? Seriously Pom, if I have to deal with any more of Gangle’s whining I might abstract for real this time.”
Another lame attempt at a joke. Really, what was he meant to say in a situation like this? A situation that was entirely his own making.
“God, I’m such a [BLEEP].” He can feel tears pricking at his eyes, blurring his vision.
“At least you’re self aware.” Comes a soft hoarse voice, reverberating through his chest.
Jax has to choke back a sob.
As she blinks back into consciousness, Pomni’s eyes find his and she gives him a weak smile, “I’m getting a serious case of deja vu.”
“You’re telling me.”
If he were in his right mind, Jax would try to exit the conversation as soon as possible, push himself up onto his feet before making some snarky remark and slinking off. But he’s not, so he pulls her even tighter, listening to the way her chest rises and falls in the silence that stretches between the two of them.
“So uhh—“ He says after a while, feeling a growing sense of embarrassment. “How much of that did you hear?”
“Most of it, I think.” Pomni responds, her voice lilting up at the end, making it come out as more of a question than a statement. “I heard all of the mushy stuff anyways.”
“Shaddup.” Jax’s face begins to warm, suddenly very aware with how open he had been.
“What? Didn’t you say that I was your favourite and that you would go crazy without me?”
“That is definitely not what I said.”
“Ehh, you implied it though.” She ends the sentence with a giggle that makes his face burn even more and he flicks at one of her bells dismissively.
“You were just hearing things. Abstraction will do that to ya.”
“Hey.” She cuts in with false seriousness that makes Jax squirm uncomfortably before softening, “Too soon.”
“Yep. My bad.”
They fall back into that comfortable silence again, Jax’s freehand now fiddling with one of the bells on her hat, rubbing it between his forefinger and thumb. Like before, he’s the one to break it.
“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t need to elaborate. Pomni’s not stupid, she’ll understand what he means.
“I know.” She says not unkindly after a pause, reaching a hand up to cup his, drawing little patterns on his palm.
“So, that adventure huh?” Pomni has the grace to change the subject and he is eternally grateful for it, not wanting to linger on the latest entry on the ever-growing list of all his fuck ups.
“Adventure is putting it mildly. Try psychological torture.”
“I guess, in hindsight it is kind of funny. In a really, really messed up way. I mean—didn’t Caine literally make you go on a date with him as part of the adventure?”
“Oh my god.” Jax sits upright with a rising sense of indignation. “He made me put my hand in his mouth to get that stupid disc.” He shivers at the memory, shaking his head violently to push it to the back of his mind, determined to never revisit today’s events. “Yeugh. What a freak.”
“Oh yeah?” Pomni challenges with a smirk. “Not like you’re much better.”
“Hey, I would never stoop to that level. I have standards.”
“Uh huh.”
“Wow, what’s with the skepticism? Hurtful.” He pulls a face which makes Pomni laugh, a proper deep laugh that warms his insides. Considering the fact that she was on death’s door about a minute ago, the noise was probably the best thing he had ever heard. She lifts the hand that was cupping his to cover her mouth and he takes that as his cue to go back to tugging at her hat.
“Hey.” Pomni says into the silence, looking back up at him with her huge doll-like eyes, piercing into his very soul. “You know how you pushed the red button back there?”
Dread immediately floods Jax’s body, plugging all his orifices and making it remarkably hard to breathe. “Yeah?” He mutters slowly, not attempting to mask the suspicion in his voice.
“Do you uhh— wanna talk about it? You looked pretty shaken up. That’s why I came to check on you in the first place actually.” She sounds mildly embarrassed at that and Jax feels something white hot in his chest, not quite sure what to make of the sensation.
He would rather forget the whole ordeal if he was being honest. If he had to rank the worst moments he’d experienced in the circus, this would definitely make the top five.
It would be easy to just shut her down, ignore the situation entirely and go back to pretending that everything was fine. But it wasn’t, and he wasn’t sure that it would ever be fine again.
Still though, he was still exceptionally vulnerable from nearly abstracting for the second time that day and almost causing Pomni to do the same. His insides felt scraped raw.
“Is it cool if we talk about all of that later? Don’t really know if I’m up for another therapy session right now.”
“Yeah, sure.”
It’s not much but it’s a step in the right direction at the very least.
They stayed put on the ground for a long while after that, still half hugging one another, limbs tangled not uncomfortably as they made meaningless small talk to pass the time. There was still so much that had gone unsaid, so much grovelling that Jax would need to do at a later date, but for now, just being together enjoying each other’s company was enough.
They would need to grapple with the ramifications of today’s events at some point, but neither of them quite had the energy.
Despite everything, Jax could feel the warm fire of hope burning inside him, a newborn star that glowed brightly in the night sky. Neither of them knew what the future held for them, whether there truly was an escape or if they would have to live out the rest of their days in the circus, but at the moment, they truly couldn’t care less.
Maybe they would be able to leave someday, maybe they wouldn’t and as Jax looked down at Pomni still in his arms, ranting about a silly encounter with an NPC she had in her first days here, he thinks that being stuck with her for eternity really wouldn’t be that bad.