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The phone rings once, twice, and then Awsten picks up.
“Otto?” He says, a note of concern in his voice. Understandable, given that Otto’s barely ever the one to call first. “You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Otto reassures him. “I just… need to ask you something.”
“Oh,” Awsten says, sounding relieved. “Wassup?”
“That interview you did a few weeks ago. The one that just came out,” Otto says, steeling himself. “In it, um. You said you would be in a relationship with me. If I’d do it.”
It goes quiet on the other end of the line. Otto is sure that his shaky breaths are coming through to Awsten loud and clear. He just hopes that the pounding of his heart isn’t quite so obvious, because at the moment it’s all he can hear.
It feels like a lifetime of silence passes before Otto cant take it anymore. He opens his mouth to say something, anything to break the agonizing tension between them, but before he can get a word out, Awsten finally speaks.
“Yeah," he says. His voice is cautious, guarded in a way Otto isn't used to. "I did say that, yeah. Didn’t think you'd see it, but..." He trails off, clearing his throat firmly before continuing. "Why are you asking about it?"
"I– I don't know," Otto admits, his tongue leaden in his mouth, clumsy. "I’m just... wondering, I guess. If you meant it."
He’s imagining things. He must be imagining things, because he is almost certain that he hears Awsten let out a squeak on the other end. And there is no way that Awsten is squeaking over Otto asking him about this. There is no logical reason for him to be that flustered by the question, Otto tells himself firmly, so he has got to be imagining things.
"And, um," Awsten says. He’s still using that careful tone, but there's an edge to it now, a hint of something that Otto can almost pretend is anticipation. "If I did. what would that mean for– for us? for the band? if–" Awsten pauses, as if he can't stand to say it out loud.
Otto can barely breathe. His mind is caught on the almost-there implication of something more to them, the idea of an us that goes beyond the half-jokes and grey areas that they had been living in for the last 14 years. The idea of something real between the two of them.
He realizes belatedly that Awsten must be waiting for him to speak. He clears his throat and tries to push the idea of us out of his mind. The words leave his mouth almost before he can think better of it.
"I don't know," Otto admits. The words feel odd in his mouth, heavy and raw and all too real. He’s been thinking about this for longer than he’s willing to admit even to himself, much less say out loud. He certainly never thought he’d be putting any of this out there, much less to Awsten. "It would.... change things. But, um, I think that might. Be a good thing?"
Otto can hardly breathe through the long silence that follows, the half-confession hanging in the air between them. He wishes, not for the first time in the conversation, that he could be with Awsten now. He just needs to see his expression, to gauge how badly he's fucked up. Otto knows he’s said far too much already, and he wishes Awsten would just hurry up and say something, anything to give him even a glimpse into what he's thinking.
But no matter what, it's probably too late for Otto to save things between them, to go back. He'd spilled out the deepest secrets of his heart when Awsten had surely just been joking around again, and he can't take back that clumsy admission. He revealed the feelings that have been stewing deep within him for half of his fucking life, and now he's going to lose Awsten because of his carelessness, and–
"Really?" Awsten's quiet, cautiously hopeful voice breaks through the storm brewing in Otto's head. "You– you aren't fucking with me, right?"
"No," Otto answers immediately. Of all the questions Awsten could have asked him, that might be the only easy one. "Never. Not-- not about this."
"'Never'?"Awsten echoes back. "So this whole time, all the jokes--"
"They weren't jokes to me," Otto confirms, his voice sounding far more steady than he felt. He was barely thinking about what he was saying, the words rushing out of his mouth with very little input from his brain. “Obviously I understand if you don’t feel the same. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I just–” Awsten cuts him off with a laugh that sounds almost breathless.
“You are such an idiot,” he says, and Otto can practically hear the smile in his voice. “Otto, I have been stupidly in love with you since the day we met.” In that moment, Otto is very, very glad that they aren’t in the same room right now, because he’s sure that he looks absolutely dumbfounded.
“You– the whole time?” Otto says, incredulous. “Why didn’t you–”
“What?” Awsten says, a playful indignance in his voice. “Make more comments? Drop more hints? Make it even more exceedingly, abundantly clear that I have been pining after you since 2009?” Otto laughs, and he can feel that he’s grinning like an idiot, and he could not care less because Awsten loves him, Awsten wants him, and after all these years it’s finally out in the open.
“Fair point,” he concedes, still unable to wipe the smile from his face. “Man, I can’t believe that this is what did it.” Awsten laughs.
“Yeah,” he says. “If I’d known it was that easy, we could’ve been done with all this like ten fucking years ago.” Otto hums in agreement, and they fall into an easy, comfortable quiet. It feels so different from the ones before, now that it’s all out in the open. He sits in the near silence for a moment, listening to Awsten’s soft breaths over the line and taking in the comfort of his closeness.
“Otto?” Awsten says finally, his voice sounding relaxed, sleepy almost. “We’re gonna have to talk about… this. What it means for us, for the band.” Otto sighs.
“Yeah,” he says, rolling over onto his back and closing his eyes. “I know. Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow.” Awsten agrees, and even though it's barely past sunset in LA, Otto can hear him settling into his bed.
Tomorrow they’ll talk, figure out what to do about all this New, but tonight, they’re a thousand miles apart, and if he tries hard enough, he almost can feel Awsten cuddling up beside him. Every soft breath through the phone speakers brings a wave of comfort, and Otto smiles into the dark. Things are going to change, he knows that for sure. And he also knows that some parts of them will be the same as always, like the fact that no matter how far away he is, Awsten is home.