Work Text:
The TV channel played romantic songs. When Nueng put on the TV, he wanted just a white noise to get him through the night. He didn’t expect to cry again. Lately, his days look nothing like the ones they write novels about, the ones that people dream about, the ones people envy about. It is sombre, lonely. Quietly, filled with his own sobs.
It has been almost eight months since Palm had left his life. The one who taught him friendship, the one who taught him care, the one who taught him affection. Most of all, Palm had been the one who taught him how to love without any conditions. He taught him that devotion and love has space to go hand in hand.
In the dim lit room, with nothing but the white light from the TV, Nueng stared at the ceiling. He wished it was the clear blue skies of Surat instead of the centralised air condition. He wished the sound that filled the room would be that of Palm’s laugh and not the romantic songs from the TV.
Frustrated, he turned off the TV, letting the silence exist along the darkness of the room and aside the darkness of his thoughts. No matter the various futures he designed for Palm and himself in his dreams, he always had to wake up to the haunting reality. The reality that had no Palm in it.
“Please, Palm. Come back to me. Can’t you see that I am in love with you? Why didn’t you stay? Why did you lie? Why did you lie when you said that you wanted a future with me? A family.” Nueng whispered to the ghost of his own self. “If you can hear me Palm, tell me what to do?” The answer, of course, never came.
“Tell me please, if we can just swim side by side at the beach. Could you just peel me one more prawn? Can you just hold me once so that I can grieve your loss? Please” Nueng just wished out loud. He did not cry, he did not sob. It was just a request. A wish that will forever be left unfulfilled.
On the days where the breakfast tastes good, he dreams of Palm and him feeding the same to their kids. On the days when he sees a silly soap opera on TV, he dreams of laughing with Palm on a lazy Saturday afternoon. On the days where he gets a little drenched in the rain, he dreams of dancing in the rain with Palm on their terrace. On the days he sees prawns in his food, he dreams that Palm will peel them for him, just because Palm wanted to. Maybe Nueng might never find his ever after. Maybe he will. But for now, choosing grief is the only thing he knows to do. All Nueng can dream of is the time he and Palm never got to share. Days that he wished he could spend in Palm’s presence, is now nothing but a mere figment of his dreams.
Nueng’s reality and dreams share the same relationship as that of the sky and the sea. No matter how the sky and sea look good together, they never get to meet. He dragged himself to the shower, hoping a warm bath can help him feel the warmth he is missing in his life. He still has to go to university the next morning, he still would have to continue his life.
Losing and then learning to live with that loss. That’s the reality. Isn’t it?