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“You should ask him.”
“Mianmian…”
“She’s right. Just ask him already.”
The voices float to Lan Wangji where he sits in the dining hall eating his lunch. Alone. He always eats alone unless…
“Alright alright, I’ll do it.” The response is laughing and then there’s a man in skintight black jeans and a worn-out red T-shirt dropping into the seat opposite him. “Hey Lan Zhan.”
Unless Wei Ying.
Lan Wangji gives him a nod of greeting and the other man replies with a grin that stops Lan Wangji’s heart. It’s a sensation he slowly becoming accustomed to because it happens every time Wei Ying smiles at him.
“Nie Huasiang is throwing another one of his themed parties on Friday, did you hear?”
No, Lan Wangji hadn’t heard. He doesn’t here about parties. Hearing about parties would involve having friends to tell him about them and Lan Wangji, well, doesn’t. The other students find him stuffy and uptight. They find his mannerisms outdated and old-fashioned, the sort of old-fashioned that comes from a family that still gives out courtesy names. They find his silence standoffish and the precision of the answers he gives in class annoying. Mostly they combine all of the above and write him off as arrogant and stuck up. He’s overheard them say all those things about him and more. He’s good at ignoring it. High school wasn’t any different and at the end of the day he’s here to get a degree not get into whatever social activity his brother wants him to try this week. Besides it’s not like he would go to parties even if he were invited, not when absolutely nothing about them sounds appealing. No, Lan Wangji has his brother and his uncle and his classes and his music lessons and a friendly relationship with the other members of his study group, Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan, and sometimes he even has Wei Ying. What else could he need?”
The answer is obvious. He tries not to think about it.
When Lan Wangji says nothing, just keeps his attention on his lunch, Wei Ying keeps talking, it’s what he does, the thing that let him slowly but surely break through each and every one of Lan Wangji’s heavily reinforced defenses.
“He’s been taking dance lessons this semester so it’s a ballroom dance party. He says we absolutely have to bring dates.”
“Mm.” Lan Wangji hums noncommittally, trying not to get too jealous of whoever Wei Ying asks.
He fails.
“So do you want to go?”
Lan Wangji’s head snaps up to see Wei Ying staring back at him, a slightly tentative smile on his lips.
Lan Wangji’s heart is suddenly pounding and he tells himself firmly that he’s overreacting, overthinking. Wei Ying said it so casually, and that’s how he means it too. Casually. If he means it at all.
“With you?”
Wei Ying laughs a little at that. “Yeah with me. Who else?”
“As a date?” The next question slips out before Lan Wangji can call it back.
To his surprise Wei Ying nods. “As a date.”
Lan Wangji takes a shaking breath. His first instinct is to say yes, yes to Wei Ying always yes, but he forces himself to bite back the words, forces himself to remember that this /is/ Wei Ying, bright beautiful charming Wei Ying, Wei Ying who’s the automatic center of every room he walks into. Wei Ying who seems to know everyone, be friends with everyone. Wei Ying who flirts as easily as he breathes.
That’s the thing. Wei Ying flirts with everyone. He’s always going out to parties with anyone who asks him, always has his arm around someone. Campus rumors can’t decide who he’s dating or has dated Mianmian or Wen Ning or Nie Huaisang or Mo Xuanyu or Wen Qing but the rumors follow him wherever he goes. Lan Wangji knows he’s not dating anyone seriously, Wei Ying would have told him if he was, but he has no doubt that Wei Ying goes on dates, lots of casual dates.
And now it’s Lan Wangji’s turn.
“No.”
Wei Ying blinks a couple of times then gives him his most wheedling smile. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”
“No.”
“Do you not like dancing? Is that it?”
Lan Wangji is assailed by the sudden mental image of himself dancing with Wei Ying in his arms, their bodies pressed tight together. He says nothing.
Wei Ying tilts his head to the side, eyes narrowing as he focuses all of his attention on analyzing Lan Wangji. It’s a heady sensation even if Lan Wangji can feel his own heart twisting painfully in his chest.
“Alright I can see it’s not the dancing that’s the issue so what? You don’t want to go on a date with me?”
Lan Wangji draws in a shaky breath, then slowly, painfully, he nods.
“What really?” Something flashes behind Wei Ying’s eyes, an emotion there and gone too fast for Lan Wangji to identify it before it’s replaced by one of Wei Ying’s signature pouts. “Why not?”
Lan Wangji says nothing.
“Come on, Lan Zhan, Lan-er gege. At least give me a chance.”
“No.”
“Pleaseee.”
“No.”
“Come on, Lan-er gege, just one chance.”
“No.”
“I’m not asking you to marry me you know, just one tiny little date, come onnnnn.”
And that’s the problem. If Wei Ying had been asking for marriage Lan Wangji would have said yes without a second thought, but this, one date, one taste of what it’s like to be with Wei Ying. Getting to experience it and then having to go back to how things were before, having to watch him flirt with other people, date other people, all while knowing how little the whole thing meant to Wei Ying…
“No.”
He can’t do it. He just can’t.
“Lan -er gege…”
Lan Wangji can’t take it anymore. He stands abruptly, swings the strap of his backpack over his shoulder, grabs up his half-finished lunch tray, and strides off. Behind him Lan Wangji is aware of Wei Ying’s friends closing in around him at Lan Wangji’s abandoned table, all of them whispering and glancing at his retreating back.
Lan Wangji dumps the rest of the food into the garbage bin before leaving the dining hall. Suddenly he no longer has an appetite.
***
When Friday night comes Lan Wangji makes sure to bury himself in homework. He’s got readings and research to do and a paper due in two weeks that he should probably get started on. He certainly doesn’t have time to think about Wei Ying dancing in someone else’s arms. It’s about 8 PM when Lan Wangji finally comes up for air and decides that what he really needs to help him stay focused is a cup of tea. Picking up his electric kettle he leaves his dorm room and heads to the water bottle filling station in the common room. He pads down the hallway, mind still determinedly fixed on his essay, takes two steps into the common room, and freezes.
Wei Ying is in the common room.
He’s sprawled over one of the overstuffed armchairs, legs hanging over one of the arms, a book in his hands and a bag of spicy chips on the table beside him. Lan Wangji doesn’t think he makes a sound but maybe he does or maybe it’s just the sudden cease of the footsteps, either way Wei Ying looks up.
Their eyes meet and Wei Ying offers him a slightly forced smile. “Hi Lan Zhan.”
“You aren’t at the party.” Lan Wangji blurts the words before he can think better of them. Typically he would never blurt out anything, never say anything before carefully considering it, but despite his efforts to lose himself in his essay Lan Wangji has been able to think about nothing but Wei Ying dancing with his arms around someone else all night, leaning into them, pressing their bodies close, laughing and smiling and perhaps even kissing as they twirled together intertwined… And now the shock of seeing Wei Ying here brings the words to his lips before he can swallow them back.
As soon as they’re out Lan Wangji knows he shouldn’t have said it. In the two days since Lan Wangji turned him down they haven’t spoken, Lan Wangji has been trying to tell himself that this isn’t really that unusual, that there are plenty of days when they don’t eat meals together. Wei Ying never wakes up early enough to get breakfast in the dining hall and he has to split his lunches and dinners between all of his different friend groups so really it isn’t strange at all. Wei Ying hasn’t texted him since then either which is unusual but Lan Wangji has been telling himself that it doesn’t have to mean anything, that Wei Ying often gets so buried in an assignment or project that he forgets everything else, that Wei Ying’s life doesn’t actually revolve around Lan Wangji, that Lan Wangji hasn’t somehow managed to ruin things with the only real friend he’s ever had. Besides why should Wei Ying even be upset? He was only asking casually. He basically said himself that he didn’t really mean anything by it. It’s Lan Wangji who’s been going through a minor round of heartbreak. Wei Ying’s definitely long since moved on. With that in mind Lan Wangji figured that the next time he saw Wei Ying he would simply act like it never happened and Wei Ying would probably be the same and everything would go back to between them.
This definitely doesn’t qualify as acting normal.
Wei Ying shrugs and Lan Wangji can tell the gesture is supposed to look casual but somehow it seems as forced us to smile.
“It’s a couples thing. Showing up alone would have felt weird.”
“Why didn’t you ask someone?”
One corner of Wei Ying’s mouth turns up, smile turning rye. “I did, remember?”
“Someone else.” Lan Wangji clarifies.
Wei Ying looks away. “I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.”
Lan Wangji frowns at that, his heartbeat starting to quicken even as he’s sure he must be missing something. “Why ask me then?”
Still not looking at him Wei Ying shrugs. “With you it wouldn’t have been the wrong idea, would it?”
“Wei Ying…” Lan Wangji stares at him, heart hammering in his chest.
Wei Ying abruptly pushes himself up off the chair, bare feet finding the floor even as he scoops his chip bag up off of the side table.
“Later, Lan Zhan.”
Before he fully realizes what he’s going to do Lan Wangji’s hand snaps out, fingers wrapping around Wei Ying’s wrist. Wei Ying stops abruptly and looks up at him, expression half confused and half challenging.
“Lan Zhan?”
Lan Wangji knows that he should let go of Wei Ying, that touching him without his permission is inappropriate and impolite. But Wei Ying’s words are echoing in his head and he has to know what he meant, he /has/ to.
“What do you mean that with me it ‘wouldn’t be the wrong idea?”
Wei Ying’s eyes narrow, anger rapidly winning out over confusion. “You know exactly what I mean.”
“I do not.” Lan Wangji hears the dry rasp in his own voice.
“You do.” Wei Ying’s eyes flash. “I asked you out. You said no. End of story.”
Lan Wangji shakes his head. He feels lost. He feels like he’s drowning. He feels desperate.
“You didn’t mean it.”
Wei Ying glares at him. “Of course I meant it! Do you think I just ask people out for fun!?”
Unable to find words Lan Wangji nods.
Wei Ying just stares at him for a long moment and then his eyes widen, some of the anger bleeding out of his expression. “Wait, did you think I only asked you because I wanted someone to go to the party with?”
Again Lan Wangji nods.
“Oh…” The rest of the anger leaves Wei Ying’s expression and he lets out a soft huff of laughter. “I guess this is on me then. Sorry Lan Zhan. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
“It’s fine.” Lan Wangji says automatically, his head is still spinning as he tries to wrap his mind around what’s happening, if Wei Ying could possibly mean what it sounded like he meant…
“I guess I really did make it sound like I was just trying to get someone to go to the party with me, huh? Really though I was just looking for an excuse to ask you out.” Wei Ying looks away again. “It’s fine though.” He tugs lightly at Lan Wangji’s hand and Lan Wangji reflexively loosens his grip, letting him go. “I should really get back to my reading and you probably have work to do too, right?”
Wei Ying doesn’t wait for an answer, just turns and pads rapidly out of the common room and down the hall to his dorm room.
For a moment Lan Wangji can do nothing but stare, stunned, at Wei Ying’s retreating back. Then suddenly he seems to come back to himself and he rushes after Wei Ying. He catches up with the other man just as Wei Ying is unlocking his dorm room door.
“Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying starts slightly and glances back at him.
“Lan Zhan?”
“I said no to one date.”
Wei Ying stiffens and looks away quickly. “Yeah, I got that.” He makes to push his door open and Lan Wangji grabbed his wrist again, stopping him. “Lan Zhan, what…”
“I said no to one date.” Lan Wangji says it again, his voice surprisingly steady. “Because I could not have one date with you then let you go.”
“What…?” The word leaves Wei Ying’s mouth in a gasp and he whips around to stare at Lan Wangji, eyes wide. They’re close like this, Lan Wangji realizes abruptly, so close. His throat suddenly feels dry. He licks his lips and thinks he sees Wei Ying’s eyes flicked downward in the direction of his tongue. Lan Wangji’s heart stutters.
“You go on so many dates. I could not be just one of the crowd.”
“What…” Wei Ying says it again, looking bewildered this time. He shakes his head. “I don’t though.”
“Mianmian. Wen Ning.” Lan Wangji reminds him, his voice coming out strangely hoarse.
Wei Ying shakes his head again. “I haven’t dated Mianmian or A-Ning. I don’t…” His voice trails away and he laughs, the sound of it oddly breathless. “Lan Zhan did you believe all those rumors about me?”
Lan Wangji looks away and he can feel his ears turning pink. “I knew that you were not seriously dating anyone, I knew you would have told me if you were, but I thought, casual dates…” He trails away, the flush on his ears darkening.
“What?” Wei Ying lets out a surprise breath of laughter. “Did you think I was making out with people at parties? Having one night stands?”
Still not looking at him Lan Wangji nods slightly.
“Well I wasn’t. There were offers, sure, but I turned them down.” A shaky breath. “There was already someone I like too much to want to do that stuff with anyone else.”
Lan Wangji’s eyes snap back to Wei Ying. He stares at him, unable to do anything else, unable to find words among the roaring tide of his own emotions. Wei Ying likes him, wants him, wants him enough to turn down other offers because they weren’t Lan Wangji. Wei Ying is beautiful and smart and funny and charming and perfect and he could have anyone in the school he wanted, anyone at all, and yet he…
“Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying calls his name quietly and Lan Wangji’s self-control breaks.
He lunges forward, dropping the electric kettle with a clatter and pushing Wei Ying against the doorframe of his dorm room as his mouth finds the other man’s, kissing him, kissing him, kissing Wei Ying. He’s kissing Wei Ying hungry and desperate and drowning. Wei Ying gasps, starting in surprise, but instead of pushing Lan Wangji away he dropped his book and chip bag to the ground and his hands come up to grip Lan Wangji’s back, clinging to his sweater, nails digging in even through the fabric. The feel of it, of Wei Ying clinging to him like that, Wei Ying leaning into him, letting himself be kissed, kissing back, his mouth opening for Lan Wangji, it sends a wave of desperate need washing over Lan Wangji, blotting out all other thoughts. Lan Wangji kisses Wei Ying deeper, pushing closer against him and as he changes the angle Wei Ying’s back slips from the doorframe to the dorm room door. Under the sudden force it swings open, leaving them both to stumble into Wei Ying’s room.
The kiss breaks and they just stare at each other, panting softly. The only light in the room is the narrow shaft from the hallway behind them and in its glow Lan Wangji can see the flush of Wei Ying’s cheeks, the way his lips already look swollen and kiss bitten, the bright burning of his eyes.
“Don’t…” Wei Ying’s voice comes quiet and hoarse through the dimness.
“Don’t what?” Lan Wangji’s voice comes out every bit as rough. Wei Ying’s words sound like rejection but the way he’s still clinging to Lan Wangji suggests otherwise.
“You said you couldn’t have me then let me go. So don’t” A shaky breath. “Don’t let me go.”
Lan Wangji stares at Wei Ying for a stunned moment and then he’s moving, turning them around and shoving Wei Ying backwards so that Wei Ying’s back hits the dorm room door, slamming it shut. Without the light from the hallway they are plunged into darkness but Lan Wangji is too busy kissing Wei Ying to notice.
The door doesn’t open again till morning.