Chapter Text
Chapter One- Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend (Except when you can’t fence them)
Nori Ri is working for Interpol.
Nori Ri recovered the Devonshire Emerald.
Nori Ri knows all the tricks of the trade… and then some. (Okay, she invented most of them).
Nori Ri caught The Spider.
Nori Ri will hunt you down.
Nori Ri is working for Interpol.
Despite its loose chaotic half-structure, word spreads quickly through the international community of thieves. It is borne on whispers of fear and betrayal and revenge, sent in anonymous emails and through dead-drops and other absolutely ridiculous methods of communication that only the truly paranoid can come up with.
There is at least one homing pigeon involved in this process.
By Tuesday everyone in the Western hemisphere knows one of their own has gone to the Dark Side and by Thursday, so does everyone else with the exception of the ones living under rocks (there are three). Safe houses are abandoned en masse and an influx of stolen goods floods the black market. At least one notable art thief has a very public breakdown in a tavern in a German border town, sobbing into his beer about a purloined Matisse.
The Queen of Thieves—technically they’re all thieves, but Nori Ri comes with capital letters and a royal title) has been on the right side of the law for less than two weeks when the news finally reaches Murmansk and the little hole-in-the-ground where the Burglar—she might not be on the same level as Nori, but she’s certainly good enough for a capital letter—has taken shelter. The news arrives by way of a handwritten letter on thick creamy parchment covered neatly in beautiful loopy handwriting that spares no detail as to what this means for the future.
Bilbo Baggins reads the letter six times and then a seventh for good measure and takes a deep, calming breath before she quickly fences the diamonds in her possession, buys a plane ticket, and lands in New York on a Sunday evening.
“Are you out of your damn mind?!” Bilbo yells the second that the door opens. Nori blinks, her wild red mane haphazardly braided on only one side of her head, a tiny Lego Stormtrooper dangling from the twisted strands. “Of all the jobs to have taken when you went straight, Interpol consultant has to be the stupidest!” or… that’s what she tries to say, but Nori’s hand slaps over her mouth after the initial shout and all that comes out is an irritable “mrrmmmmph!”
“Shut up!” Nori hisses, leaning close, slate-blue eyes wide with panic, which is ridiculous because this is Nori and Nori doesn’t panic, not even when she gets trapped in the heating duct system of a high-rise for seven hours. Nori’s hand smells like popcorn and peach hand soap and Bilbo has never wanted to bite a human being more in her entire life. “Shut up, shut up, shut up, Bilbo!”
“Nori, love? Everything all right?” a male voice booms out of the depths of the loft, very Scottish and very unfamiliar. Nori’s eyes widen even further. Bilbo comes to the realization that somewhere on the flight to New York, she’s lost her world-renowned common sense and thinks maybe she should turn around and go look for it before this whole thing gets messier.
“Fine! It’s fine!” Nori yells over her shoulder and shoves Bilbo back through the apartment door, pulling it firmly shut behind them. Barrier firmly between them and whoever is lurking in the living room, Bilbo finally gives into her childish urges and sinks her teeth in.
“Ow!” Nori yelps, pulling away with a grimace, scrubbing her hand against the leg of her jeans. “You haven’t grown up at all, have you?” Bilbo fights the urge to straighten her clothing and stand up straighter. It’s hard not to feel like a scolded child when Nori has that ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ look down pat.
“Well at least I’m not stabbing my friends in the back,” Bilbo replies, earning herself an exasperated look from Nori who is barefoot, mildly rumpled, and not wearing the pinched expression she’d had the last time Bilbo saw her. To be fair, Nori had been posting bail because Glóin had gotten Bilbo drunk and then let her wander out of the bar without supervision, but she hadn’t needed to be so cranky about it.
It occurs to her as she looks at her friend that for once Nori looks legitimately happy and not like she’s putting on a performance. Of course, this realization does nothing to calm the righteous indignation that Bilbo’s been working on since her layover in Stockholm.
“And who is that?” Bilbo asks, pointing an accusatory finger at the apartment door because this is one of those moments when “best friend” and “ex-girlfriend” are too closely intertwined. “Because that doesn’t sound like Ori unless puberty’s hit a few years too early.” Nori rolls her eyes, arms folded over her chest, clearly unimpressed with the situation in general.
“Jealous, Bilbo?”
“No.”
“Liar,” Nori’s tone might be considered fond.
“Always. Who is he?”
“Are you going to behave if I introduce you two?” it’s the answer that Bilbo does not want to hear. She mirrors her best friend’s casual pose with a scowl so as to demonstrate her irritation.
“Maybe.” It’s an unsubtle threat and it’s actually recognized as one, which is nice since Nori has a history of underestimating Bilbo’s emotional responses, which has led to some truly spectacular fights.
Nori sighs. “Which means no. Damnit, Bil, why do you have to such a brat?” Bilbo shrugs, jet-lagged and feeling betrayed in more ways than one. Nori heaves a sigh.
“His name is Dwalin and so help me god, if you’re rude to him, I will throw you out the nearest window without a second thought.” The fierceness in Nori’s tone takes Bilbo aback, her eyes rapidly blinking as realization dawns that this is Serious, with capital letters.
The guilt is instantaneous and Bilbo feels like the world’s biggest jerk, looking down at the floor as she searches for the words with which to apologize. She’s got half of one worked out when Nori sighs and throws her arms around Bilbo, squeezing too tight for comfort. It means that Bilbo is mostly forgiven and how did that happen, Bilbo getting in trouble when really Nori is the one who should be in trouble?
“Fence those diamonds yet, imp?” Nori asks as she pulls away, managing to look ‘holier-than-thou’ even with her hair styled by drug-crazed squirrels. “That diamond exchange was not your finest hour.” Bilbo opens her mouth to defend herself--it's a long story with a short moral: always keep an eye on the janitor—only to snap it shut when the apartment door opens again.
“Bilbo!” the redheaded child launches himself though the door with the force of a jet-propelled rocket. Bilbo only has half a second to react before Ori hits her and she goes down under 78 pounds of big ears and bony knees. Unfortunately for Bilbo’s back, it’s a greeting that she’s quite familiar with and not for the first time in her life, she bemoans her diminutive size.
There are two major predicaments with her current situation: (1) Ori's enthusiastic greeting may have broken her spine in four places negating a quick getaway and (2) “Bilbo!” is not the name on the passport in her carry-on. Her cover has just been blown by a seven year old. This may possibly be more embarrassing than the diamond exchange.
As the bald giant who must be Dwalin steps out of the doorway to help her up, a swift kick to the ankle from Nori and the mime of zipped lips lets Bilbo know she’s blundered into something serious. Not that this is the first time in her life she’s gone in blind, but previously, Nori has been the backup instead of the unknown variable that she currently represents.
The letter that prompted this entire trip suddenly appears in her mind’s eye:
If there is one person in the world who knows you better than you know yourself, Wilhemina Baggins, it is Nori Ri. How long do you think you can continue in your less than legal occupation when she can all but read your mind?
When they’re finally disentangled, Ori ends up dangling from one of the giant’s massive hands, kicking and screeching about his inherent rights as a human being while Bilbo twists in the grip of the other. Her new birds-eye-view serves to give her a perfect view of the Interpol logo, glaringly white against the black of the t-shirt that Nori's Big Friendly Giant is wearing.
Zipped lips indeed.