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Killua.
I don’t know if I’ll ever give you this letter, but I felt compelled to write it, overcome by an unbearable sense of suffocation.
This is one of those nights when I can’t sleep, when I can’t stop thinking about too many things, all of them negative, and tormenting myself over the bad decisions that led me to this point.
Usually, in moments like this, I go for a run and spend my time looking for some kind of adventure to lose myself in. Since I lost my Nen, I've found a new way to be a Hunter. And you know what? Immersing myself in all kinds of situations, no matter how dangerous, helps me stop thinking. It leaves me numb and shuts down my feelings.
Today is different tough.
Today I want to think, and I feel that writing down my thoughts will help me more than simply burying them as I usually do. This way, maybe I'll be able to sleep and dream about you.
What led me to this decision? I saw you from afar today in Yorknew City. I was passing through the city, looking for a buyer for something I’d acquired during one of my travels, though that's beside the point. As I passed by a certain café where we used to stop for a drink and make plans when we were twelve, I saw you sitting inside and I froze in place.
For a moment, I thought I was imagining you. After all these years without seeing you, I assumed I was mistaking you for someone who looked very similar. But then I recognized your sister sitting across from you, in the very spot where I would have sat back then.
I see you still travel with her, just like you told me in the last message you sent me, and I never replied.
You have no idea how I felt when it hit me that, yes, I was actually seeing Killua Zoldyck in the flesh. You didn't notice me, and I think it was because you were focused on Alluka. I'm grateful for that.
I saw you today and I had a revelation.
I sent you a message on the spur of the moment, and I saw you read it right away and deliberately ignore it. I understand. I wouldn’t have replied either. Not after how much I failed you.
When you needed me most, I wasn't there, I couldn't be there because of my selfishness. Although I've already witnessed many sides of you, even the hurt I caused you that day, today I feel like I just saw you for the first time.
And what I saw hurt me so much, Kil, that I wished more than ever to reach out to you. I wish I could hug you tightly and never let go. There are so many things I want to do and say to you, even though I know I no longer have the right.
Not after I cut off contact for over a year.
Not after I turned down every single invitation you made to meet somewhere all this time. I have to admit, I was scared. Ashamed of my own weakness, of meeting your gaze and not being able to hold myself together. I’ve never been good at handling my emotions, not even now.
I know you saw me as the light, but you know what? In my eyes, you were always the brightest person I knew, in every sense of the word. No one else had your tenacity, your intelligence, your patience, your kindness towards me. Having your company was the best thing that happened to me since the Hunter Exam until now. I’ve never known anything that compares to your friendship, to having you by my side.
I apologize for saying it this way. I feel like I sound silly. Words aren’t enough to accurately express what I feel. I've never been good at talking about my feelings, or even analyzing them myself. But I have this feeling that if I don't write down what's happening to me somewhere, I'm going to explode.
Today I feel like I have some words that can be wrote, and maybe someday, they'll reach your eyes.
I don't really know why, but today I feel a little braver.
Maybe it’s because I saw you today. Even from across the street, I looked at you and managed to see beyond your smile, to see you without the filter my eyes had always used in the past. I saw in your gaze, the Killua Zoldyck as he truly is now. It broke my heart to see your eyes, which always showed me your most decisive and warm side, always so vibrant, today so dull and somber. I saw you tired, sad, but forcing a smile so Alluka wouldn't notice. It shattered me into a thousand pieces.
Whenever I needed you, you were by my side, giving me solutions to all my problems. Even after we went our separate ways, you never stopped writing to me, sending me photos of the places you visited, asking how I was and if I needed anything.
You never stopped caring.
Back then, I thought I could conquer the world because I'd have you by my side forever, but now I find myself here, feeling alone and insignificant. The reality of seeing you today hit me with a force that crushed my will into the deepest abyss: I never asked you how you felt.
I failed you. I let you go.
I realized something else: it's me, I'm broken. I'm a failure. I feel empty, Kil.
And you have no idea how much I hold you dear. How much I miss you. Since we parted, thinking of you makes me want things I never dared to want or pursue. Things that terrify me because I never even considered them a possibility for myself. But I was convinced that distancing myself further from you was best for both of us. I took the easy way out and justified it for both of us. So selfish, right?
Kil, I'm not the light you thought I was.
You are.
After hurting you so much that day, I told myself that even without me in your life, you would still shine bright, because you have so much to offer, so much of yourself to give. And you have your sister who needs you. She's the one you want to protect, and so we could only go our separate ways from now on. Especially since I lost my Nen. I didn't want to be a burden to you.
I told you back then that, until you figured out what you truly wanted, you could come with me on my adventures.
That day came, and I distanced myself.
Too much.
I cut myself completely and ruined everything.
You were always there for me, helping me pick up the pieces, and I never realized that you also had your own pieces scattered.
I overlooked the most important thing: that you, too, are a person with flaws and shortcomings.
Just like me, things happen to you too.
Things hurt you too.
The are parts of you that have been broken too.
Human beings can reach unimaginable levels of cruelty. And sometimes...
Sometimes those closest to you hurt you.
Today I saw you, and I knew.
You were hurt.
And I wasn't there.
I didn't help you, I didn't stay by your side.
Part of me assumed you were untouchable. In my mind, you were always the strongest person I knew, and I always admired you deeply for it.
I was wrong.
Today I realized how exhausted you truly are, and how insensitive I've been all this time. I'm sure protecting Alluka took far more of you than you expected, and yet, I know you'll never give up. You'll never let Illumi nor anyone else hurt her again.
You tried to set up a meeting with me, not to ask for help, but because you genuinely wanted to see me.
I know that.
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Apologizing now doesn't make much sense, especially since you may never read this, but…
Forgive me, Kil.
Forgive me for not noticing. For not seeing your sadness, your fear, your pain.
Forgive me for not being there to lend a hand, a hug, a caress. Forgive me for not loving you the way you deserve to be loved and cared for.
I know I don't deserve it, but I would give anything for another chance, to try one more time.
I want to get close to you again.
I want to see you and tell you all these things face to face.
I want to be there for you, the way you were there for me.
And I want you to know that no matter what happens, and despite everything that's already happened and everything we've been through, you will always be the most important person in my life and the best friend I've ever had.
I always carry you in my heart and in my thoughts.
I love you, Killua.
Gon Freecss
It was 3:30 in the morning when Gon finished writing the letter. He was still in Yorknew City.
He sat at the table in the hotel room he’d rented for the night, with a sheet of paper and a black pencil. The paper was damp, splattered with tears that fell from his eyes as he wrote. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. He definitely couldn't give Killua something so messy.
At least he'd achieved his main goal: getting it all off his chest. He now felt a bit lighter, and his mind clearer.
He'd probably lost Killua's friendship, but now he could finally take the first step forward. He’d go to find him and talk face to face. Maybe… maybe in the future Gon could restore that friendship. Maybe Killua would allow it if Gon was sincere enough. Hope’s the last thing you lose, right?
He folded the letter into four parts and put it inside his jacket pocket. He suddenly heard his phone vibrate. He’d left it on the table, so he reached for it to take a look. Seeing who it was in the notifications, he immediately opened the message. His hands were trembling and sweaty, his heart pounding wildly.
Gon felt the knot in his chest, which had been suffocating him since he’d seen Killua that afternoon, finally unravel, and he was able to breathe again.
That short message was all he needed:
I miss you too.
Maybe his prayers had been answered after all.
This time he was going to do things right.
This time he was going to be brave.