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“If you can't accept that,” I cursed inwardly but forced the words out, “then you’re not fit to be a magical girl.”
It’s so painful to play this part to you, of all people. Saying anything short of ‘I love you’ and sweet nothings feels like chewing through glass.
But I have to do it. Madoka doesn’t deserve this hell.
Madoka… If it were up to me, you would never have to hear the word “magical girl” ever again. Free from this hell on earth, you’d get to grow up, live your life to the fullest, marry, have a family and never see even the shadow of an incubator.
That life will come to pass. I’ll make sure of it.
I'll do my best to make sure you shall never experience the pain of these words — again, and again and again. So the notion of witches remains a fairy tale for you, forever.
Even if that means I’ll have to hurt you.
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"You are a memory that still dreams, I am the tomorrow that shall never sleep."
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I hate how she always, always calls me ’Homura-chan’ in every loop. Couldn't she, just for once, call me ’Akemi-san’? That way, we'd never seem close; that way, she would never enter this dark and chaotic world of the witches-to-be. But I am selfish; even if for just a moment, I like to pretend she knows who I am — the true, meek, ashamed and powerless me — and still cares for me. Like she once did.
But that's wrong. I do not exist in this loop. Homura Akemi is an orphan girl who died of sickness shortly before applying to a conceited high school that never got to know the meaning of true friendship (and fierce loyalty) in this universe. This loop’s Homura Akemi is and always will be dead in every universe as long as I continue to intervene. I may be messing up even more the dynamics of time, but I couldn't care less.
If it’s for her, then it’s worth it.
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My voice sounds horribly cold, as if I were dead, so unlike when we first met, and I was still that awkward, meek girl. Like a zombie, barely coherent, barely really here.
Are we not all dead from the second we agree to give our lives away for the sake of a wish?
In the first loops, I still dared to dream. I honestly thought that, as long as everyone knew what the deal was, what the incubators (awful, disgusting leeches) were, we could prevail.
To think that teamwork could get us to a happy ending… what a child I was.
Looking at my reflection as my vision gets fixed — what time is this? The 199th? I can’t tell, this part is always the same — I see empty, tired eyes. Who is that girl staring, with the awkward braids and pale, so pale? How come I feel like an old lady and yet the person in the reflection is a little girl?
A stupid little girl who made a deal with the devil.
Such a weak, useless girl who can’t even save the one she loves.
I’ve aged after all these loops. I wonder what age I would be now… if I’d already be showing signs of age around my eyes, my mouth. Not like I’d ever be able to see my older self.
This was the body of a doll, forever ageless. Forever alone and empty.
Doubt I’d age gracefully… but Madoka, oh Madoka would be just beautiful. She’d retain that immaculate grace, that aura that just made you want to spill out everything and put your head in her lap… And it wasn’t just me waxing poetic. Miki Sayaka knew all too well, always throwing herself at Madoka and blaming it on a ‘joke’… Just the thought of going through all the motions and having to stomach her fake heroism sickened me.
Miki Sayaka was always the one getting in my way, no matter the timeline. All words, no actions. The very second when things got tough, she folded. Every single loop. It’s tiring to even have to listen to her yap around. Not like she ever stays for long.
Even Mami wasn’t much help most of the time. The senpai exuberance she so expertly showed was nothing but camouflage. She was perhaps one of the most fragile of them; always so quick to fall to despair, so quick to choose homicide as a way out.
Those two self-destructed countless times; I couldn’t care anymore. Why waste time with people who wouldn’t lend an ear, always so sure of their own impeccable morals and ethics?
I tried so many times and every single one, I got burned. They only cared about themselves and their own loneliness, in the end. Just words, no action.
Sakura Kyouko, though, how surprising she was, always. In the first timelines I truly feared her. Couldn’t dare to talk to her, always so afraid of being attacked, ruthlessly discarded as competition — that at least Miki Sayaka wasn’t afraid of, foolishly — but, eventually, I understood: Sakura Kyouko also hid herself behind a mask. What she hid, though, was quite different: not selfishness and ego.
She hid her love and wanted to belong. It took me so many loops to even understand, I felt so stupid. For one thing only Miki Sayaka is useful: making Kyouko get out of her shell and risk it all for someone else.
The problem is, that almost always backfired. No matter how many times I would explain there was no way out for the little mermaid heroine, Kyouko would never listen. She’d insist until the very end that somehow Miki Sayaka could still be reached. It was foolish but she never gave up hope.
Miki Sayaka is a lost cause.
But Madoka wasn’t. Madoka had been a magical girl long before me. And how she shone beautifully as one. And how much she suffered for being one. Each end became more and more gruesome as I returned.
I don’t care. I will make it happen.
Even if 999 Madokas die, the 1000th one will eventually be saved. Madoka, you deserve to live and enjoy every little thing you can. To age gracefully. To have a beautiful family of your own. To be a career woman like your mother. To care for your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. To grow old with your family and pass away peacefully, smiling. You deserve all that.
And the incubators stole that from you.
It’s the biggest sin they’ve committed. Disgusting space leeches that prop themselves up using us. Once, I tried to understand them. I actually tried to talk to Kyuubey, to understand, maybe there was a logical explanation to this hell they put us through.
After all, the wishes did come true.
But they’d never give me the time of day. Treating me — and all the girls, except lately they’ve been so stuck to Madoka… leeches — like we’re ants they need to guide to the ant hole and avoid stepping on too soon. Maybe that’s exactly what we were to them.
Talking to beings who see you as nothing is a waste of time. I’m long past caring about whatever their reason is for inflicting hell on earth on us. Why is it just pre-teen girls? Why never boys? Why always this specific gender and age group? After the 39th loop, I just stopped caring.
Only one thing matters: saving Madoka from this hellish existence.
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"In the course of a yearning as greedy as this
Does a fleeting tomorrow exist?"
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Going through the same motions repeatedly, always failing to complete my one and only objective: saving you.
Sometimes I fail right in the beginning: I can’t reach you in time and Kyuubey has already made a deal with you. Even in your sleep. Joining the classroom and sensing the magic girl in you makes me want to scream. Throw the chairs and tables to the ground and shoot at Kyuubey, even their shadow would suffice.
I swallow bile and go for a new loop.
Your family watched you die. Those are the loops I try to forget. But who can forget your mother’s screams as if she wants to fight the gods themselves while your father shields your son, who keeps asking, ‘Where is big sis?’
Sometimes (and these are the worst times), I fail right at the end: Walpurgisnacht is happening, and I, of course, am losing… the closest we got was when Sakura Kyouko and I worked together. How I wish we could get to this point more often, if only Miki Sayaka wouldn’t get in the way, being an idiot until the very end. But it doesn’t matter, even if I die, as long as Madoka is safe with her family, she won’t make a wish. She’ll stay safe, survive the ‘natural disaster’ as the media will call it and she’ll get to grow old.
And yet it never happens.
The loops I hate the most are when you appear to save me in all your glory. And immediately as you vanquish the most terrifying enemy, you become the new one.
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Madoka... For you, I wouldn't mind being trapped in this eternal maze.
Except I do.
I absolutely hate having to experience yet another loop and see my failure — losing you, in increasingly violent and horrific ways — over and over again. I hate seeing your pained expression, your cheeks wet with tears. But at least in those, you’re still alive. Seeing your body lying lifeless in the ground makes me want to give up.
But my feelings and thoughts don't matter.
You are all that matters, Madoka.
How much pain did you feel every time you died or, worse, turned into a witch?
I've only felt that once, so many loops ago. It feels like centuries in the past. Maybe they were centuries ago.
We were supposed to die together; be together.
How I wish things would've ended that way... but then I'd just be running away from everything again and I couldn't take you with me.
I wish this power could include the two of us. Then we could travel across time, dimensions together. Try to find a pocket of time somewhere and just live together. You, in the best possible reality: maybe your mother can take it easier at work, maybe your family won the lottery, maybe you get to avoid all of Miki Sayaka’s drama.
My best possible reality is anywhere we can both be alive together. Just being able to see you every day is enough. Even if it is visiting your beautiful family with a devoted husband — I’ll make sure you get the best of the best, Madoka — and the most precious and angelic children in this world.
In the very beginning, I wished our lives could become like that. The sort of idiotic adolescent hope of happy endings. Now I just want to see you alive and smiling. No matter what.
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I am not afraid of becoming a witch — at least that's what I told myself over and over again. I'm only afraid for you, my dear. If anything had happened to you because of my witch state… What if, even as a witch, I can’t stop myself from going after you? For reaching out, for wanting you to look at me?
At least I find solace in believing I'd end it all long before my dark claws could touch a single hair on you. Hopefully, if that ever does happen, Kyouko is alive and can protect you. Hell, even Miki Sayaka can be useful for that at least.
Mami never lasts long anyway. She either meets her end by a witch’s hand or her own.
As much as I complain about them, the truth is that they’ve been more useful for you than I’ve ever been.
They are around you; they can offer solace and company I never could, in any timeline. Mami can offer you the guidance and example you always searched for; Miki Sayaka is your best friend, as much as I hate to admit, even Sakura Kyouko is a really great friend in the few timelines you two get to spend enough time together.
Homura Akemi, on the other hand, is a disgrace. She is either the bumbling fool you had to protect every hour of the day or the bitch ice queen who never gave you the time of day.
I wish I could find the right Homura Akemi. I wish I could be that for you.
Some loops, I just wish I could be someone altogether.
In others, I wish we had never meet so I don’t have to look at you or hear you. But that is even worse than all these timeloops.
Despite my continuous attempts to prove the contrary, the reality is that I’m helpless, powerless. Especially without you.
But no matter how hopeless it may seem or how powerless I am, I will still do my best.
Because what option do I have?
There’s no time to stop and ask if this was the right decision. I’m already on this path and there’s no way back.
‘I wish we’d never met.’
‘It’d have been better if I died that day before you rescued me.’
‘I wish you’d never made a contract.’
I can only allow myself to focus on the last one. Any other alternative is too painful to think about. Too dangerous.
There’s no room for hesitation.
My whole life is now an oath to help you, to protect you.
If I can’t achieve that… No, it’s not worth thinking about it.
I’ll make it happen.
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"In your hands is the power to change the world", the Ancient Magic tenderly whispers to me.