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“Hey, Jae.”
Youngjae startles as he flips over, squinting as his eyes adjust from the brightness of his phone screen to the dimness of the living room. With the lights off, it takes him a moment to spot Jaebum leaning against the doorframe, hands buried in the pocket of his hoodie.
“Ye-yeah, hyung?” Swallowing, Youngjae hopes that Jaebum doesn't notice the stutter. At least he's far enough away that the flush he can feel burning in his ears won’t give away the faster rhythm that Youngjae’s heart has begun adopting in his hyung’s presence lately.
“I was wondering–” Jaebum still hasn't moved from his slouch against the wall, but his shoulders hunch as he shoves his hands deeper into his pocket, and Youngjae jerks his gaze away from the flash of skin that’s exposed as the collar twists. “We have a free day tomorrow, and I know some of the guys are going to go see a movie and stuff, but…” Youngjae feels a twinge of relief when Jaebum finally pulls a hand out of his pocket to fix his collar, though the way he runs the hand through his hair afterwards isn’t much less distracting. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the amusement park instead.”
“What?” Forcing his focus back onto the conversation, Youngjae blinks. He’s fairly certain that he’s hearing things. Or maybe dreaming. It would explain why the words sound like the invitation to a date that a real, living Jaebum would never offer.
Jaebum mumbles something Youngjae doesn’t catch before raising his voice again. “Do you want to go the the amusement park tomorrow?”
So Youngjae wasn’t hearing things. The knowledge doesn’t make him any less confused. “I thought you said everyone was going to the movies.”
“They are.” Jaebum sounds uncomfortable, and Youngjae has the creeping feeling that he’s missing something, but he has no idea what. “I thought that maybe we could go together. If you wanted to.”
“Isn't it supposed to rain tomorrow?” The question comes out sounding more like a rejection of the idea than he’d intended, and Youngjae resists the urge to slam his face into the arm of the couch as Jaebum pauses awkwardly before he replies.
“The rain is why I thought tomorrow would be a good idea. There won't be as many people, so we might not get spotted as easily, but–” He cuts himself off and sighs, hair flopping into his face when he runs his fingers through it again. “Nah, never mind. I just thought–y’know. If you don't want to go, that's fi–”
“No!” Too loud in the quiet, Youngjae’s protest makes Jaebum twitch, but the disappointed slump to his shoulders remains, and Youngjae continues despite the burn of embarrassment making him want to sink into the couch cushions and never come out. “No, let’s go, hyung. I was just confused, sorry. I want to go. Really.”
Jaebum still seems hesitant. “Are you sure, Jae? We really don’t have to–”
“I’m sure!” At least, he’s as sure as he can be with his heart skipping in his chest and his ears threatening to catch on fire. “We should definitely go.”
“Okay then, I guess.” Jaebum’s hands vanish back into his pocket. “I'll let Byungyong-hyung know.”
“Okay.” Reminding himself that it's too dim for Jaebum to make out the flush he can feel on his skin, Youngjae tries to resist the urge to bury his face under his blanket.
“Okay.”
There's another drawn out moment where Jaebum lingers in the doorway, and then he pushes off down the hallway again, leaving Youngjae to roll over and stare at the ceiling, mobile game forgotten and heart drumming against his ribs as he wonders what he got himself into.
Youngjae didn’t mean to get a crush on Jaebum. It wasn’t like he woke up one day and decided he was going to fall for the leader of their group and make his life a thousand times more difficult. It’s just that he woke up one day with Jaebum’s arms around him and his breath warm against the back of his neck and realized that he kind of wanted to wake up like this every morning forever. And also that he really wanted to roll over and see if Jaebum’s lips were as soft as they always looked first thing in the morning when he was groggy and still half asleep.
But just because he hadn’t been able to stop that first thought from blossoming into a full-blown crush–bordering on something stronger that he refused to admit–didn’t mean he was going to risk the functioning of their group to confess his feelings to someone who thought of him as a little brother. He would keep his emotions to himself, and he would deal with it until he got over it. And maybe he wasn’t really getting over it as quickly as he’d hoped, and maybe his heart threatened to jump out of his chest every time Jaebum rested a hand on his knee, or wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and he might be slowly suffocating from the way his lungs stopped every time the older boy laughed, but he was dealing. He had even started staying in the living room every night so that he wouldn’t do something stupid like try to kiss Jaebum in his sleep.
But now he’s getting ready to spend an entire day with the very object of his crush, just the two of them, alone together at an amusement park, and he has no idea how he’s going to survive when his heart is already about to leap out of his chest just watching Jaebum shrugging into a rain coat.
Their manager drops them off at the gate just before the park opens with the staff member who’s supposed to keep an eye on them, and Youngjae gulps in a lungful of air that doesn’t smell like Jaebum’s shampoo and tries to remind himself to breathe normally, even if he just spent the last half-hour of the car ride with one of Jaebum’s earbuds in his ear and the leader’s head on his shoulder after he fell asleep. There are small clumps of people waiting around to buy tickets and get into the park, but no one seems to be paying attention to the two of them, and Youngjae is deeply grateful for the anonymity as he tries to get his emotions back under control.
“You don’t need that.”
Distracted by digging his wallet out of his pocket and looking for his bank card, Youngjae doesn’t notice Jaebum’s hand until it’s closing around his wrist, and he’s glad he doesn’t drop his wallet to the ground when he startles and jerks away instinctively.
“Wha-!” The lingering warmth of Jaebum’s skin has his heart racing against his ribs, but Jaebum blinks at him, clearly thrown by his reaction, and Youngjae tries to cover. “What did you say, hyung?”
Pulling his hand back slowly, Jaebum lifts his own wallet, still eying Youngjae carefully. “You don’t need your card. I’ll pay for both of us.”
Youngjae refuses to acknowledge the way his already racing heart skips a beat, and firmly reminds himself that Jaebum paying for the two of them to go to an amusement park alone doesn’t mean anything more than Jaebum taking his role as the hyung too seriously. However, even the evidence provided by Jaebum purchasing the staff’s ticket as well doesn’t stop him from tucking the ticket stub carefully into his pocket after they pass through the gates.
It’s not raining yet, but the outdoor displays near the entrance are all covered as they make their way deeper into the park, and Youngjae catches Jaebum frowning at the one that usually sells hats.
“Did you want to get something, hyung?”
“What?” Jaebum blinks, looking startled at the interruption of his contemplation, and Youngjae squashes down the thought of how cute he looks when he’s confused. “Oh, uh. Yeah. I was thinking about it.”
Squinting up at the sky, Youngjae studies the clouds, ignoring his hood as it falls off because it’s not as if there are enough people around to really have to worry about being seen. There’s a dark patch in one direction, but it doesn’t look too bad. “Maybe the stalls will be open by the time we leave.”
Jaebum is staring at him when he looks back down, and Youngjae’s pulse jumps again as they make eye contact. He breaks the gaze first, clearing his throat and pulling his mask up over his face. Hopefully Jaebum won’t spot the heat in his cheeks behind the fabric. “Should we go find some rides before it rains?”
There’s a moment of silence from Jaebum in which Youngjae deliberately focuses on pulling his hood back over his hair, trying to ignore the sudden, inexplicable awkwardness, and then the older boy clears his throat as well. “Yeah, let’s see if we can beat the line for the carousel.”
Youngjae wonders weakly how he’s supposed to get over his crush on Jaebum when he does things like suggesting Youngjae’s favorite ride first, even when he knows the leader prefers roller coasters. He has a sinking feeling that this day is not going to help with that in the least.
That doomed feeling hasn’t changed after Jaebum had them ride the carousel three times because there wasn’t any line, and spent half the last cycle trying to push Youngjae off of his neighboring horse until he almost succeeded, and then spent the next half trying to pull him back up as they both almost cried from laughter (and a little bit of terror on Youngjae’s part). Instead, he finds his heart racing every time he catches sight of Jaebum out of the corner of his eye, and his upper arm tingles under his jacket from where Jaebum grabbed him there to guide him out of the way of group of foreign tourists when Youngjae got too distracted by one of the displays. He’d let go once he was sure no one would get run over, but Youngjae can still feel the pressure of his hand ten minutes later as he watches a couple of kids run around one of the garden areas.
“Do you want to go see if the animals are awake?”
Jaebum’s voice is much closer to his ear than Youngjae had expected, and he trips. Then he almost chokes as Jaebum’s arms close around him, catching him, and his heart tries to jump out of his throat.
“Careful.” Youngjae’s hood has slipped sideways, so he can feel the brush of Jaebum’s breath against his neck, and he really hopes that his shiver can be excused on the chilly temperatures the grey sky is bringing as he hurries to pull away and put some space between them.
“I’m fine! I’m okay! What did you say?”
There’s an odd expression on Jaebum’s face when Youngjae risks a glance at him, and at least Youngjae’s heart is no longer pounding when it stops in a moment of panic that his reaction gave away the feelings he’s struggling to hide. Then Jaebum offers him a quick smile, and it looks a little forced, but Youngjae’s pulse slowly starts returning to normal when the older boy just repeats his question instead of confronting him.
They’re back to their usual banter and discussions of the latest story arch in the anime they’re both watching by the time they make it down the path to the zoo portion of the park. It hasn’t been that long since he last came with the other members to film for their fanmeeting, but Youngjae still gets excited enough by seeing the desert foxes awake and playing to almost forget about his turmoil of emotions as he runs to the fence, bouncing on his toes as he greets the animals in the same voice he uses with his nephew.
“Hello! Hello! Look at you! You’re so playful today! Did you have a good breakfast? Ah, look at your cute faces! Did you get cuter since the last time I saw you?”
A choked sound from next to him stops him mid-bounce, and he turns his head slowly to see Jaebum staring at him instead of the animals, his face twisted in an expression that looks almost pained.
Lowering his heels to the ground, Youngjae avoids eye contact. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be so strange, hyung. I just…” his ears feel like they’re burning as he darts a glance at the animal pen, “really like the foxes.”
He can feel the weight of Jaebum’s gaze, and Youngjae has the urge to turn and run before Jaebum’s hand finds his wrist and squeezes. “No, it’s fine, Jae. It’s… it’s not weird.” The tone of his voice is only half convincing, and there’s a pause before he clears his throat and adds, “I get how it feels to find them too cute to resist.”
The heat of Jaebum’s hand burns against Youngjae’s skin, and Youngjae realizes he’s staring at the place where they’re connected. He forces his gaze back to the fox pen before he does something stupid like throw himself at the older boy. As cute as they are, though, he can’t focus on the animals anymore, even as Jaebum finally pulls his hand back.
“Ah–” Youngjae’s voice cracks as he tries to speak, but he refuses to check if the gaze he feels against the side of his face is just his imagination as he swallows and tries again. “Let’s go look at the polar bear now, hyung.”
Spinning away before Jaebum can answer, he turns his back on the desert foxes and Jaebum’s heavy gaze, but he can still hear the soft sound Jaebum makes that could be anywhere between a laugh and a sigh before he mumbles something just loud enough for Youngjae to make out.
“I seriously get it.”
And there’s a confusing note in Jaebum’s voice that makes Youngjae’s stomach flutter, but he pushes the feeling aside and leads the way to the next area.
The rain holds off until they’ve finished walking through the zoo. They’re lingering near the middle of the park, trying to decide what to do next while the staff member finds a restroom and an ATM, when the sky finally gives up and pours rain down at full force, and Youngjae can’t help jumping and letting out a loud yell of his own when the downpour comes with a shout of thunder. His heart hasn’t even started beating properly again before he feels fingers slip between his own, and then Jaebum is dragging them both across the pavement.
Too frazzled by the sudden storm, Youngjae doesn’t realize where they’re headed until Jaebum is pulling him through the opening in the trunk and into the shelter of the giant fake tree. Inside the hollow space, the sound of the storm dulls instantly, and Youngjae blinks water out of his eyes as Jaebum tugs him further into the tree and coaxes him to crouch with him against one of inner walls. Another clap of thunder makes Youngjae jump again just as he’s sinking down, and Jaebum stops him from toppling over with an arm around his shoulders.
“Hey, it’s okay, Jae. It’s just a little storm.” Jaebum shifts as he wraps his arm around him more securely. “We’ll be safe here, and it’ll be gone soon.”
It’s the soothing tone of his voice that eases Youngjae’s frantic nerves enough to look at him, and then he loses himself for a moment as he stares. The rain has plastered Jaebum’s fringe to his forehead in awkward clumps, but his eyes are soft above the gentle curve of his smile, and they’re close enough with the way Jaebum is holding him that Youngjae could probably count all of his eyelashes. They’re close enough that Youngjae is pretty sure he can feel Jaebum’s exhale against his skin.
“Are you with me, Youngjae-ah?”
Sliding over Youngjae’s shoulder, Jaebum’s hand catches against the back of his neck as he shifts to pull him closer despite their knees knocking together, and Youngjae’s not sure if it’s the gesture or the chill of the rain dripping down the back of his neck that makes him shiver.
“Yeah.” His voice rasps, and he swallows, darting his tongue out to wet lips that feel way too dry for having been caught in the rain. Jaebum’s eyes flickers from his for a moment. “I’m okay. It just surprised me. I didn’t think it was going to storm like this.”
Eyebrows pulling together, Jaebum glances to the side, looking out through one of the curved arches at the rain sheeting to the ground. “Neither did I. If I'd known, I wouldn’t have brought you out here today. I know you hate storms.”
He looks so upset, that Youngjae’s heart stutters, momentarily overwhelmed at the realization that Jaebum is this bothered for Youngjae’s sake. Despite the nervous twisting of his stomach, Youngjae forces himself to relax, shifting closer to Jaebum until he can nudge his head into his shoulder the way he used to before being this close made his heart try to jump out of his chest. Trying to ignore how close their faces are when he looks up to meet Jaebum’s gaze, Youngjae offers a smile that hopefully shows only gratefulness and not the urge he's fighting to lean closer and press his lips to Jaebum’s frown until it goes away.
“I’m glad we came.” Jaebum’s expression is unreadable from this close, and Youngjae’s having trouble thinking about what he’s saying before it comes out of his mouth. “I don’t mind the storm. Not when I’m safe in here with you, hyung.”
For a long moment, he’s worried he’s said something too revealing when Jaebum doesn’t react and the silence stretches, but then the older boy’s eyes curve with a smile, and Youngjae lets the warmth of his arms chase away the last of the panic over the storm as Jaebum pulls him tight against his side.
“I’ll take care of you, Jae. Don’t worry.”
Youngjae swallows, and it’s habit that has him turning his face into Jaebum’s shoulder, and rubbing his nose against the fabric of his jacket, but he lets himself indulge this once, letting himself be jostled even closer when Jaebum shifts. “I know, hyung.”
It’s not the most comfortable way to be sitting on the dirty cement, but the warmth of Jaebum’s embrace is enough to drown out the growling of thunder, so Youngjae keeps his face pressed into the curve of his shoulder, and Jaebum doesn’t move until the storm is passing and they can hear the staff calling their names.
It’s surprisingly easy to convince Byungyong to let them get out of the car alone one the way back, but the convenience store is only a block from the dorms, and it’s not as if they don’t come to this shop on their own all the time anyway.
Youngjae’s collar is still a little bit damp from the rain, sending a chill down his spine in the air conditioning of the store, and he pulls the new hat Jaebum had insisted on buying for him lower over his neck as he heads for the ice cream anyway. It’s only as he reaches for the handle of the freezer and finds another hand in his way that he realizes Jaebum is right beside him, and he can’t help but laugh.
“You too, hyung? I thought you were complaining about the cold in the car.”
“That’s because it’s freezing.” Jaebum’s voice is a grumble, but the corners of his lips are twitching. “I thought I was going to die when hyung refused to turn the air off.”
Again, Youngjae can’t help laughing. “Then why are you getting ice cream?”
Grin finally breaking through, Jaebum just shrugs at Youngjae, reaching into the cooler. “It’s tradition.”
“Tradition to eat ice cream after freezing in the rain?”
Youngjae starts to reach for his own ice cream, but Jaebum grabs one of his favorite flavors before he has the chance, holding both tubs in one hand while he digs out his wallet. Blinking, Youngjae feels his chest clench again.
“Something like that.” There’s something funny in Jaebum’s second grin, but he waves his wallet at Youngjae before he can ask about the expression. “Now leave me alone so I can pay and we can go somewhere warmer.”
Twisting his face and sticking his tongue out, Youngjae nonetheless seizes the opportunity to put some space between them and try to collect his thoughts from the whirl of emotions Jaebum keeps stirring up. His phone vibrates in his pocket as he pushes through the door and steps outside, and he retrieves it to find a notification of a grumpy faced emoticon staring back at him under Jinyoung’s name. Making another face as he opens the app, Youngjae wonders what he could have done to upset his hyung when he hasn’t even been around.
- jinyoungnotjr : Tell Jaebum to stop ignoring my messages or I’m going to send the maknaes to crash your date. I know where you are.
It feels like the whole world shudders to a stop as Youngjae stares at the message, eyes locked on the word date while all the blood rushes from his face. For a long, horrifying moment, he thinks that Jinyoung must know how he feels and that this is his way of making fun of him. But even Jinyoung at his most petty wouldn’t truly tease him like that, not if he really knew.
Instead, Youngjae finds himself left with the same odd feeling that he’s missing something that he’d felt during his conversation with Jaebum the night before. Except he still has no idea what exactly he’s supposed to be missing because all he’s aware of is him and Jaebum being at the convenience store getting ice cream after a day at the amusement park together, and calling that a date is, well– Youngjae’s thoughts stutter to a stop, still staring at the message. Suddenly, he’s acutely aware of the little stub of ticket in his pocket that Jaebum had paid for, the warmth of the hat over his ears that Jaebum had bought him, and the fact that he’s waiting outside while Jaebum pays for both of their ice creams. Ice cream that they’re going to eat together near Han River like they always do. Alone. Together.
“Jae? Is everything okay?”
Coming from much closer than he’d expected, Jaebum’s voice almost startles him into dropping his phone, and Youngjae clutches it to his chest as he blinks at the older man, standing with Youngjae’s ice cream held out in one hand and his eyebrows raised.
“Yes.” The word tumbles out too quickly, and now Jaebum looks concerned, hand lowering as he studies Youngjae’s face, but Youngjae isn’t sure he wants to be examined, not yet. He uses the excuse of grabbing his ice cream to break the eye contact. “Jinyoung says to reply to his messages.”
Swearing under his breath, Jaebum digs out his phone, and Youngjae sticks his own back into his pocket as they start walking. There’re heading towards the Han River like Youngjae expected, and Youngjae tries to turn off his thoughts. Breaking open his ice cream early for something to do, he attempts to distract himself with the sound of Jaebum’s choice words and his aggressive screen tapping before he drives himself crazy thinking about every moment in the last twenty-four hours in a different light, but instead he walks half a block with Jinyoung’s message repeating over and over again in his head.
Jaebum finally shoves his phone into his pocket with an irritated sigh as they turn down the narrow alley that serves as a shortcut to the river bank. “Remind me to dump water on Jinyoung’s bed when we get back.”
Youngjae’s mouth is moving before he thinks it through. “Hyung, is this a date?”
The splat of Jaebum’s ice cream hitting the ground and cracking open is loud between the narrow walls of the alleyway. “What?”
For a second, Youngjae considers laughing it off and turning it into a joke, but then he notices the color creeping up Jaebum’s neck, and he swallows instead, his heart skipping in his chest as his pulse doubles. “Is this a date?”
Jaebum’s throat bobs as he swallows. “I… I, uh.” His hand closes again around empty air. “Not if you don’t want it to be.”
After all the time trying to ignore his crush and believing it was just one-sided affection, Youngjae’s not sure how to process what he’s feeling. He has a brief moment where he thinks that maybe gravity has stopped working on him, and he’s about to float away. “What if I do want it to be?”
The dart of Jaebum’s tongue over his lips is distracting. He swallows again. “What are you saying, Jae?”
Youngjae pauses, taking in the way Jaebum is standing so cautiously and looking almost like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. It makes Youngjae realize that he’s not the only one who’s trying to process this, and that somehow makes the whole situation and conversation feel more real.
Youngjae’s chest squeezes as his heart rate skips and doubles, and it’s his turn to swallow. “Can this be a date, hyung?”
“You made me drop my ice cream.”
“What?” The abruptness of the statement throws Youngjae off, and he feels a surge of panic that this is Jaebum’s way of telling him that he’s wrong about how he was interpreting this moment. The taste of his own ice cream suddenly feels less sweet on his tongue.
“You made me drop my ice cream. I didn’t even get to taste it.”
Feeling the sinking dread of confirmation, Youngjae wets his lips, the sugary sweet taste starting to turn bitter. “I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t–”
“You should share yours.”
There’s a burning at the corner of Youngjae’s eyes, and he blinks hard. He’s not going to cry in the middle of the street, no matter how sick and disappointed he feels. He holds out his cone, fixing his gaze on the pavement between them and avoiding Jaebum’s gaze. “Here, you can have the rest. I–”
“No. Youngjae.” Jaebum is right in front of him before Youngjae realizes he’s moving, and his fingers are warm as they catch on his chin, lifting his head. Jaebum’s eyes are curved slits, his lips tugging up at the corners, and Youngjae stands frozen as he leans closer until Youngjae can feel the brush of his exhale against his lips, and Youngjae finally gets what he’s saying as he nudges their noses together. “You should share.”
Youngjae’s cone joins Jaebum’s on the pavement, but Youngjae ignores it as his fingers curl into Jaebum’s coat, and with a bright flare of happiness in his chest, Youngjae closes the last bit of distance and shares.