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Lovro went back to his room in a daze. He didn't remember anything that happened after his moment with Ivan, when he pushed him away, despite desperately wanting to close that gap and pull him closer instead. It was fear. A fear emboldened by the open public and how close their friends—girlfriends—were to both of them. Although he knew Jakov and the rest would probably support him if he ever came out, there was still that lingering thought.
What if they didn’t?
He just wanted stability. Wanted to be safe. As much as he wanted everything there in the moment, too…
He didn’t realize when he’d thrown himself onto the bed, or how warm it felt, or even when he’d started to drift away into sleep. Here, he felt safe.
Lovro slowly blinked his eyes open, rubbing his cheek against the denim of a familiar jacket and the familiar scent that enveloped him like a blanket. He could feel the small bumps of the road through the seat of the Tomos bike as Ivan drove them to who knows where.
Ivan…
“I’m sorry…” Lovro whispered into the jacket, knowing the other boy couldn’t hear him. “I’m sorry that I’m so afraid.”
He pressed his head between the strong shoulders that supported him, fingers clutching the jacket’s ends like a lifeline, and let the tears soak into the fabric in a silent confession. They continued to ride in silence, neither speaking nor moving much, enjoying the feeling of being together without fear or prejudice from outside parties. Here, they didn’t need to stop and worry about what anyone thought. It was like a dream.
Unfortunately, as if Fate itself was mocking him, the Tomos slowed to a stop.
“Why did we stop?” Lovro leaned back, his hands moving up to Ivan’s shoulders to balance himself as the small bike teetered slightly.
There was a slight chuckle, and Lovro could practically see the smirk before the other boy turned his head to the side. “It’s time to get off, we’re here. Unless you just want to stay here a bit?” He watched a hand cover his, and the taller boy dismounted with ease.
“Where…?” Lovro finally decided to look around. To his right, there's suddenly an expanse of lit-up Christmas trees, similar in form to the one he and Ivan had “decorated” together before. A pang of guilt coiled in his stomach at the thought. He couldn’t look him in the eye.
“Ivan.” His voice was quiet even in the stagnant, cold air.
Another chuckle, worry-free. “You’re worried, right? That I won’t like you anymore? That I might hold a grudge?” Ivan smirked and suggestively raised his eyebrows.
“I might.” A playful shrug. “But come on, lemme show you something first.”
He lightly pulled Lovro’s hand, the one that he hadn’t let go of, the gentle smile on his face illuminated by the glow of the warm lights across the way. Lovro looked at their hands, still connected and yet to be intertwined, as Ivan lightly tugged towards him. A small, tentative smile found his lips. “Sure.”
Ivan guided Lovro through the entrance with a carefree and gentle attitude. Their hands remained together, light but secure, as they toured around the maze of well-lit trees. Occasionally, they stopped at one, judging how decorated it was or how it was lacking compared to the one they had made together. Lovro wanted to stay in this moment forever and, for once, take pictures. Maybe this is why Jakov was so addicted to his camera, moments like this, forever recorded.
The two continued their journey together at a slow and steady pace despite the increasingly crisp air, yet Lovro never felt warmer.
“Every sky needs its star. Most people decide to put it on their trees during the Christmas season, but I think that’s a waste.” Ivan turned to Lovro and spoke, squeezing his hand as he did so. He nodded along in agreement, unsure what to say.
They eventually reached a clearing with a structure that humbly rose towards the sky—a wide conical platform. From their perspective, it rose in layered rings, presumably allowing people to sit, and was adorned with green paint and strings of coloured lights just below their rims.
It was then that Ivan let go. Lovro’s hand suddenly felt cold and empty. He silently mourned the loss as Ivan jumped to the third step of the cone-like platform and spread his arms out in invitation. “Come on! The sky awaits!”
Lovro shook his head, smiling all the while at the other boy’s theatrics. “I thought you said you busted your knee. You move like someone who’s fit and healthy.” He jogged over and stared up at Ivan, before grabbing hold of his outstretched hand.
Ivan shrugged and pulled Lovro up to his level, holding his shoulders to keep him in balance. Lovro couldn’t help but lean into it a little. “I get a little excited sometimes, don’t you?” Ivan’s gaze was bright, his brown pupils reflecting Lovro in full. “We’re almost there.”
They took the steps upwards in sync, occasionally one trying to outpace the other, but the steps were few, and they found themselves at the summit. The platform was just large enough for three people to stand on, and it was a long way down if they fell. The view though…
Both of them gasped for air, holding onto each other’s arms for support as they caught their breath amid small bursts of laughter. The air felt crisp up here, enough to see fog every time they exhale and for their inhales to tingle with a chill. Lovro never felt more alive.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” Ivan spoke first, his eyes never leaving Lovro’s face.
Lovro looked around and had to admit that the sea of trees looked like a magical spectacle. The lights almost breathed like a tide, dimming in and out in sections, making the entire area seem like a light show. He wondered how Ivan had found this. His attention turned back to the taller boy, whose gaze was still firmly locked onto him. Their hands almost found each other again, both of them holding each other at the wrist.
“It is.” Lovro faltered as his eyes shifted down to catch the smile forming on Ivan’s lips. “The view, it’s amazing.”
“I think stars need to be able to shine brightly, without restraint, wherever they may be.” Ivan continued to look at him, his smile never fading.
Ivan’s hands, however, began to shift. He turned them until their palms hovered, facing the other with millimetres of charged air like an invisible wall between them. Lovro looked and desperately wanted to close that gap, but every time he tried to push his hands down into Ivan’s, he couldn’t help but lift them back up to their slightly hovering position.
“Especially on those darker nights where it’s difficult to see… Someone may need that star’s light.” Lovro stayed quiet, his eyes still focused on their hands. Ivan’s words echoed in his ears, guiding him, asking him, accepting him. His heart was beating unbearably fast that he didn’t even notice that Ivan took a step closer. Their foreheads were once again centimetres apart, mirroring their positions a few hours ago at the square.
“And sometimes…” Ivan’s voice was quieter, but it reached deeper into Lovro’s soul. “A star needs a little spark to know it’s okay to shine.”
It was only then that Lovro noticed how close Ivan’s face was to his. He almost flinched, almost, but caught himself. He found himself grasping Ivan’s hand, their fingers intertwining like a lock, perfect and secure. Lovro looked up to Ivan’s face, eyes looking down into his, and he could feel their breaths intermingling between them. They gazed at him with a plea as they flicked down to his lips.
“I like to look at the stars, Lovro.” It was barely a whisper, a confession hidden behind words he’d thought were literal, but they resonated deeply with his own wish. To fix what happened earlier that night, to close that insurmountable gap that he didn’t want to exist.
Lovro slowly closed his eyes from the glittering world below, choosing to anchor himself to the warmth of Ivan’s hand in his and whispered. “The stars like looking back.”
As their lips touched—with warmth, with sincerity—Lovro was wrenched awake by the sound of a distant, fading engine. He quickly hopped out of bed and scrambled towards the door, tripping over the party mess from earlier. His heart was beating incredibly fast as if he were running out of time. Only when he flung open the door and met the cold, sobering air that washed over him, did he realize: there was nobody there. Just like before.
“Fuck…”
Lovro closed the door slowly behind him, choosing to stay out in the cold, and leaned against it. He slowly slid down to the cold concrete into a fetal position with his head buried in his arms; even then, it didn’t ward away the chilling embrace of the cold night air. Only when the air caressed his wet cheeks did he realize he’d been crying.