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Mafuyu was on her way home after cram school. The sun was going down by now. As usual on her walk back, she was getting lost in thought while listening to music- usually, she’d turn on Maretu, the lastest Nightcord music, or her favorite bands, something like julie or my bloody valentine. She decided to just shuffle a playlist today, though.
A Nightcord song had just happened to come on, then. Well, a cover. A while back, they decided to cover Heat Abnormal by Iyowa, which was a daunting task, but it turned out great. Mafuyu smiled softly hearing a certain line from Mizuki, thinking of how much they struggled to sing it. Regardless, they sounded really good, at least to Mafuyu.
Anrakuisu no ue
Kusari kitta mikazuki ga waratte iru
Mou
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Sugu soko made
Nanika ga kite iru
By the time the song was nearing the chorus, her thoughts wandered further away from the song.
Her grades were dropping, lately. That hasn’t happened before, she’s been slipping so much lately due to her mental decline. Lately, things have been kind of rough for her, so it made schoolwork difficult.
Kami ga nashita rekishi no
Musubu kotae ni wa suna no aji ga suru
Some things were better. Like her relationship with Kanade. They’d been together for a good four months or so, now, and they were going strong. And her friendships with the rest of Nightcord were stronger, too. But home was…a lot.
Anda meiyo de asu o kou
Kibou de te ga yogoreteru
Her mother had been losing her temper more often than she used to. She’s always yelled, but within the past month, it’s been the worst it’s ever been. She’d find something to yell at her for at least a few times a week. So Mafuyu would always walk home slowly. More time to herself. More time to zone out. More time feeling safe. Even if it was only a little bit.
And yet, she’d still always be home before she knew it.
_________________________
Mafuyu took a deep breath. She took a moment to put her facade on before opening the door. She quietly stepped inside, seeing her mother and ‘smiling.’
”Hi, mom. How was your day?”
”Oh, just fine. Yours?”
”Me too. I don’t have any homework tonight, we hardly did anything in school so I finished everything in cram school.”
”Good, I’m glad.”
The usual awkward silence came after the greetings. Her mom was on the couch, but not exactly relaxed. Something seemed off, but Mafuyu didn’t show it.
"Mafuyu, dear, mind if we talk about something?"
Oh. Those words always put her into a sort of panic mode. Mafuyu took a seat on the couch with caution. She didn't find something on her computer, did she?...or...no, how would she find-
"I was looking through this journal, assuming it was from school and you must've forgotten it at home...”
Great.
”…but I'd like to know why you've been writing such things in here? I noticed a lot about...well, situations with two girls, for a start. I can’t say I’m upset about it, you know how I feel about that. It’s fine if you feel this way, but I didn’t exactly expect it. You should've told me about these feelings, though, Mafuyu..."
Mafuyu struggled to process the entire thing. Everything she'd been keeping from her, simply out there for her mother to read. How could she be so stupid? Leaving her lyric journal out, or, honestly, writing the things down at all for them to be left at home. It was like being put on display, almost...Her finger twitched, but she attempted to hide it. What was she supposed to even say, right now?
"...Look, dear. I'm sure neither of us can say that I don't support queer people, quite frankly, I find it just fine. But I wouldn't have expected you to be...well, are you a lesbian, Mafuyu?"
She couldn't lie out of this. Everything was right there in front of her, so she might as well be honest.
"...Yes, I’m a lesbian. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't see myself with a guy."
The disappointment was clear. It always was with her mother.
"...I see."
Mafuyu had been terrified of coming out to her family, not for fearing a lack of acceptance, not exactly. She just knew it would change the future planned for her. And the last thing she wanted was her parents disappointed in her.
"Mafuyu, I'll admit, this isn't something I would've expected of you.”
Mafuyu looked towards the ground, only lowering her head slightly.
”However...from the writing, it seems like these are your true feelings about a girl, not something misunderstood. So you have my support. I'll just need time to process."
...That could've gone much worse, at least. But, even with the flicker of warmth in her chest from what acceptance must feel like, the familiar cold flooded her mind. All she could recognize was her mother's clear disappointment in her.
"So, Mafuyu, who's the girl you've been writing about? Do I know her?"
Crap.
"...Yes, mom."
"Well, who is it?"
"...Yoisaki Kanade..."
She quickly noticed her mother's face contort into judgement. She shouldn't had said it was Kanade...
"That girl? Mafuyu, you can't be in love with her. She isn't good for you."
"Mom...with all due respect, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, she's helped me through so much-"
"See? You're overly dependent on her, aren't you? I'm sure you just go to her when anything's wrong instead of me, right?"
Well, maybe I do. I can't trust you with anything anymore. She wanted to tell her that. She wanted to scream every thought she was having, but she couldn't. She knew how that'd end. Mafuyu looked visually distant.
"Answer me, Mafuyu."
"...I'm sorry..."
"That isn't an answer."
"...I may not be able to reply, then..."
Her mothers voice began to raise ever so slightly. "See? Of course, you have to make it like this. You think I must be sick in the head or something, right? Seeing the things you presumably wrote about me!"
"Mom-"
"Don't talk back."
She was full-on yelling now. Mafuyu flinched. She sat on the couch silently, picking at the skin on her fingers.
"Oh, and now this? Is this another way to hurt yourself when you don't have a blade to use?!"
Yikes.
Her mom really did read it all...She must've found Mafuyu's…well, her tool, too. Her eyes slowly welled with tears...tears? Was she sad?...
"Mom, I'm trying to quit-"
"What did I say about talking back?"
She went silent. Could she even talk if she wanted to?…Physically?
"You just can't listen, can you? You just do whatever you want, you choose when you wanna say something back...I bet you've been lying about doing your work, too, haven't you? Because your grades are dropping, Mafuyu. I expect better. You should be doing your assignments, not writing things that simply aren't true...speaking of, do you really think I'm abusive? Because it seems like it."
...Not true? Do you see me right now?...
”And I wouldn’t be surprised if your ‘extra studying’ was just talking to that girl. Or if it was just hurting yourself. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave you the idea."
…She would never do that to her. A tear finally rolled down her cheek. Crying…something she hasn’t done in quite some time…
"And you always do this too, you just freeze up like that. You never even try to respond. You think I'd hit you for it, huh? Since you seem to consider me abusive…"
Sometimes...Mafuyu wished she would just hit her, at this point. After all, physical punishment from another is better than from oneself, isn't it?...
A beat.
"Say something."
"I'm sorry-"
"An actual response, Mafuyu. Do you consider me abusive?"
"...I...don't know..."
"Not an answer."
"I don't know, I'm sorry!"
The entire house was silent. Mafuyu bit her lip. She felt like her whole world that she created to only exist for other people was being shattered, like she was being seen nude. She held back her sobs as more tears, previously refusing to fall, had streamed down.
"...Fine then. No laptop for the month."
Her tone of voice finally softened. Mafuyu relaxed only slightly, before processing that she had just been punished.
"And, Mafuyu, this isn't for punishment, but I also want you to start keeping your phone in here. You're clearly struggling with things...I think not being on your phone could help that. And, I can't have you talking to Yoisaki anymore. I'm sorry, but she's a bad influence on you."
...Well...this must've been the end of it, huh?
Her girlfriend...one of the few things she was doing right anymore...she couldn't talk to her anymore. When she needed it most...
"…Mafuyu, this conversation isn't over, far from it. But you seem tired. You can go to your room and rest..."
Thank God.
She nodded her head and left to her bedroom as silence flooding the room, once again. More than an awkward silence. The kind that stung. A familiar sting.
_________________________
As soon as Mafuyu shut the door and clicked the lock shut, she fell to the ground, practically collapsing.
What an idiot.
Getting so emotional over stupid things...
She was so stupid.
Stupid.
Mafuyu broke down.
She pulled her ponytail out, taking her hair down, and grabbed chunks of it, in a way to ground herself.
Of course, that turned into pulling her hair out slowly. She couldn't even help it though. It hurt, she'd stop if she could...
...Hurt...
Maybe another kind of sting would feel better.
Mafuyu looked up at her desk and began to think. Not in words- in what she saw.
A pencil sharpener.
She scrambled up from the floor and to the desk. Mafuyu grabbed the sharpener and fell back to the ground, hands shaking as she tries everything in her power to break it open.
It really wasn't hard to break it.
And there she was, blade in hand yet again.
Just slide it against the skin.
You deserve it anyway, for thinking of your mother the way you do.
She unbuttoned her pants for access to her legs, bringing the blade to her thigh, and...
Her hand shook harder.
She threw it harshly across the room.
She was too pathetic to even get herself to bleed, anymore.
She continued to break down, absentmindedly whispering to herself.
"...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..."
She didn't even notice she was speaking out loud, at first.
Stupid.
She made herself cut it out by forcing her head into the carpet.
Again.
Again…
And once more before...whatever that feeling was...began to cease. Empty, again. Far better than before, at least...
Mafuyu curled up on the ground, knees to her chest, and prayed that feeling would never return again.
And that, by some miracle, she could talk to Kanade again...maybe see her, even.