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Crowley knew something wasn’t right. Something felt clearly off and they were fully aware of it. Two weeks have passed and they still haven’t heard from Aziraphale. Maybe Crowley shouldn’t have let him go there, they could’ve done it themselves, but Aziraphale was insisting on doing it for them - As he always did, such a kind soul he was. He would’ve sacrificed himself for Crowley and it was obvious. The demon would do the same for their dearest friend, they definitely would, but it wasn’t as obviously seen in their behaviour.
The night was cold but it wasn’t a bother for Crowley. They sat on the bench where they would always sit with Aziraphale, but this time they were alone. Just waiting for the angel to come back home. The demon’s mind was filled with the worst scenarios they could imagine. What if all the way in New Orleans Aziraphale was in big trouble, what if someone had kidnapped him. Or the worst, yet the one that screamed the loudest in Crowley’s head - what if he’s dead. He could be doing anything, but what if he’s gone. Truly gone, forever.
The demon always loved wind and the soft whistle it brought with itself, but now it sounded horrible to them. The whistle reminded them of the angel’s laugh which meant everything to Crowley. Everything seemed so quiet and dull without Aziraphale, quiet yet so annoying, overwhelmingly loud and disturbing. The days they would spend with him they now spent alone, either on the bench or in the bookshop which was so dear to both Aziraphale and Crowley.
Another week has passed. Those seven days felt like eternity for Crowley, it feels so funny, a demon who has lived since the start of everything thinks that just seven days are eternity. He’s been gone for three weeks now. Twenty one days. Worry and loneliness were driving Crowley insane. They could go and try to find him but there’s still a grain of hope in their heart. On the other hand, what if Crowley leaves and Aziraphale suddenly comes back needing help? Crowley wouldn’t be there for him, and it seems like an even worse outcome. They promised to wait, take care of the bookshop and make sure that not even one book leaves it. That was Crowley’s job and they knew they had to fulfill Aziraphale’s wish no matter what.
Crowley, trying to get some sleep in the bookshop, got disturbed by the sound of someone pulling on a handle; they immediately stood up and rushed to the door. As they hoped - It was Aziraphale himself. But something seemed off about him. He was exhausted and there was one other emotion showing on his face that Crowley couldn’t name.
– I’m sorry Crowley – Aziraphale’s voice was low and shaky – I couldn’t do what I promised you to do.
– It’s not important Aziraphale, – they took a few steps closer to the angel and lightly smiled, not really knowing what to do or say – what truly matters is that you’re fine, aren’t you?
Aziraphale didn’t reply to Crowley’s question, instead he wrapped his arms around them and buried his face in the crook of Crowley’s neck. The demon of course returned the hug, but the sense of weirdness was still around. They were wondering what happened back in New Orleans that could cause Aziraphale’s inability to complete the task and what left him in such a state. The only obvious thing was that something definitely had to happen, something horrible. What could take that precious smile off of Aziraphale’s face? The smile everyone loved looking at and that always made them smile back even when they weren’t in the slightest mood for it.
The angel avoided Crowley’s gaze all the time since he arrived which was weird. Crowley never liked too much eye contact but it worried them. They didn’t get to look at Aziraphale’s eyes for once, not even a smallest glance. The angel who loved looking at his friend’s golden snake-like eyes now didn’t even turn in the direction of them. He wasn’t saying much either. Just a few questions about how the bookshop has been or how Nina and Maggie are. Meanwhile Crowley was too scared to ask any questions, they had an impression that Aziraphale didn’t want to talk about what happened, or really about anything.
Aziraphale was still acting strange, now sitting stiffly and staring into the dark night spreading outside. Crowley watched him from the opposite side of the bookshop, not wanting to interrupt him or take any of his personal space he needed now. They couldn’t stand the silence and tense atmosphere anymore, he was back, but he still seemed so far away.
– Angel? – Crowley called out as he slowly walked a few steps towards Aziraphale before he stopped – Mind if I sit with you? – The question echoed through the room followed by a longer while of silence.
– I wouldn’t mind, I assume. – He replied weakly but with the hint of warmth in his tone that always was there. – I would actually be rather pleased if you did so. – Crowley barely saw the angel’s face, but they definitely saw that faint smile forming on it.
Crowley walked closer and slowly sat on the sofa, keeping a safe distance from Aziraphale. The angel still didn't look at them, his gaze was always fixed on something else. As Crowley made themselves comfortable, Aziraphale scooted closer. He longed for that closeness but knew it's not the time. There are so many things he needs to tell them but all have to wait, a lot has changed in the past weeks and he needs to adjust to a few things.
– My dear. – he began and cleared his throat – I fear; as much as I love and adore you, I don't think I'm ready to answer any of the questions you most probably want to ask me. – His voice was trembling. Now he sort of regretted beginning this conversation himself, knowing it will raise more questions than it would and should. – I'm deeply sorry I failed you, but I want to assure you it wasn't completely my fault.
– Angel, I never said it was your fault. –They reached for the angel's hand – It really isn't, I'm sure of it. I just want to understand. – Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s hand and he returned the gesture – We've been together for centuries, even millennia, you know you can trust me angel. – The demon's tone was full of honesty and vulnerability, they wanted to understand so badly. – You mean the world to me, more than heaven or hell ever meant to me, more than anything. – A tear fell down Crowley's cheek - Take your time, but promise me one thing; that you'll explain everything eventually. Please.
Aziraphale remained silent. The silence was painful. Crowley could only hear the angel’s deep breaths. He wasn’t going to say anything, he couldn’t. The pain he felt was unbearable, what will Crowley think about him? He’s not the person he was before, he doesn’t even know if he can call himself a person anymore. He’s a creature. Not a person nor an angel, a creature. Horrible bloodsucking one. But he knew it was his fault after all, he did the wrong thing, his kindness didn’t save him this timea and there was no help for him anymore.
The next few days were at least rough. Aziraphale would hide somewhere in the bookshop all the time, avoiding Crowley like fire. He stayed inside the whole day and eventually came out during the night to wander around the city covered by darkness. Crowley was there almost all the time, but they wouldn’t go outside with Aziraphale to let him have as much alone time as he needed. It was a Friday night and the city was still up, many people having fun out, music playing everywhere. That caused the angel to come back earlier. After many considerations he decided to finally tell Crowley the horrible truth.
He wasn't surprised when as he entered the bookshop he saw Crowley waiting for him there. This time he didn't look away as his friend raised their head to look at him. He sat on the sofa by Crowley and turned in their direction, at the same moment the demon's expression shifted significantly, they seemed to be puzzled and Aziraphale wasn't surprised at the reaction. The angel gently grabbed Crowley's hand and squeezed it. – I need to tell you something, Crowley. – He began and felt tears filling his eyes. – At first, I wanna apologize for not starting this topic earlier.
– No, no angel. No need to apologize, I understand it's… whatever is bothering must be a hard topic for you. – They lightly smiled and squeezed Aziraphale’s hand back – I won't judge you for whatever you tell me. I swear.
– Oh my dear, I know you won't. – He took a deep breath – It's just, I don't know how to begin.
– From the beginning would be perfect. – Crowley chuckled out trying to lighten the atmosphere – Just tell me everything you feel comfortable telling.
Aziraphale was silent for the next few minutes, a lot was going on in his head. He didn't know how to explain, everything was so confusing and he felt like he was losing control over everything. But the last thing was perfectly explainable, he hasn't fed in a long time, definitely longer than he, or any vampire should. The angel couldn't accept that he quite wasn't an angel anymore.
Crowley could only suspect what happened. And what they suspected seemed rather obviously true. Aziraphale got turned into a certain creature, red eyed, sun hating and bloodthirsty one. And Crowley could only wonder how the hell this could even happen. They didn't know it was even possible, Aziraphale was a divine being after all, an angel. How was that even possible?
Finally, he cleared his throat and sat up straight. His body was tense and stress was filling it all. – The people I was supposed to deliver the thing you gave me to turned out to not exactly be humans. – He looked Crowley directly in their golden snake-like eyes and tears started to slowly fall down his cheeks – It was my fault, they expected you to come and I insisted on going… They thought I wanted to hurt them. – His breaths became extremely unsteady – I thought they're gonna kill me somehow but they did something worse. Way worse. – He was unable to continue, he burst into tears and struggled to calm himself down.
Crowley felt like someone just stabbed them in the guts. The truth hurt so badly even though they suspected it happening. They shouldn't have let Aziraphale go, but it was way too late. Now they fully understood, it all began to make sense. If Crowley only knew who these people truly were earlier, it wouldn't end up this way. They wrapped their arms around Aziraphale and hugged him. Crowley was never good at comforting people, but they would always be there for them.
– It's gonna be okay, trust me angel. – They replied, not knowing what else to say in such a situation – Sure, some things are gonna be different but, we're still together in this, right? You're still my dearest friend, still the person I trust the most and wanna spend the rest of eternity with. – Crowley's eyes also began to fill up with tears but they tried so hard to fight it.
– No Crowley, you do not understand. – He struggled through the tears and pulled himself away from the hug – That took away everything I have loved the most; sun, the easiness of travelling, normal food without which I can't imagine my life and all those pretty views visible during the day. – He tried to calm himself down but it seemed to only get worse – There's no point in living for me anymore, I've got nothing. Heaven already hated me before, I don't think they would even wanna see me anymore at this point. Now I'm no one.
Crowley wanted to hug him again, to comfort him somehow but they were aware that nothing might help the angel. Their dearest angel. What they felt for him for all those years was almost impossible to describe. The feeling was stronger than love, and now after what they heard it hit way harder. Crowley realised how much more Aziraphale meant to them for the whole time than they thought.
– Please Aziraphale, don't say that. – They couldn't fight the tears anymore – I'll show you the beauty of the night, I'm gonna make you enjoy every moment of your new life. – They started to struggle with words themselves – I'll make you feel worth living and I'll make you feel loved the way you are. – They stared at Aziraphale with hope; hope that he would understand something; understand how much he meant to Them. – If you want to. Only if you want to.
Silence. Again. A long, overwhelming and tense silence. Aziraphale's gaze was focused on a random spot on the rug. He was lost in thoughts. He was terrified of himself.
– I don't want to, Crowley. – He firmly replied – My life has lost all its meaning, I am disgusted by myself, I don't even trust myself anymore. – His gaze shifted to Crowley's face and his expression softened at the sight of the demon crying – I'm scared I'm gonna hurt you. I'm scared I will lose control over myself and do something bad. It's not safe, I'm not safe.
Crowley realised they couldn't do anything else. If Aziraphale said he's sure of something, he meant it and Crowley won't be able to change his mind. They knew they should let him decide, but the decision was so painful.
The first thing Crowley saw the next morning was their dearest angel, Aziraphale burning in front of the bookshop. The only thing left after him was a piece of paper saying:
“ I'm sorry, I love you too, deeply, dearly and forever “