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“Moooooom, why does Onee-chan get to take a bath first?”
“Because she’s older than you.”
Hatsune doesn’t miss the sigh in her mother’s voice. She’s not quite sure what it signifies, but something about it unsettles her.
“Well, we won’t keep you waiting too long,” her dad says before turning toward the bath. She follows him silently and spares only a glance backward, just enough to see her mother tucking a slightly dirty lock of hair behind Uika’s ear under the bright light of the kitchen.
The sun has set, and the chirping of cicadas that deafens her everywhere on the island during this time of year has finally subsided. It’s nearly silent in the bath as Hatsune removes her clothes and throws them in the basket. Dark, as well, the main source of light being the twilight outside. It’s calming in here. It would be just right if she were alone.
Her dad uncovers the tub, and the heat billowing from the fresh batch of water makes the hairs on Hatsune’s arms stick to her skin.
“You want to wash yourself, right?”
Hatsune nods. Out of everyone in this household, her dad is the one she’s most comfortable bathing with. But she flinches under even his gentle and careful touch, and so she pulls out a stool and sets it a little bit away from him.
He scoops out water from the tub into a bucket, which he then pours over himself. He passes the bucket to her, and she does the same. The water is hot, and only increases the feeling of stickiness that envelops Hatsune’s whole body. She’s still breathing air, and yet somehow she feels like she’s drowning.
Neither of them speak as they pass the soap between them. Hatsune lathers her hair and drags her nails a little too roughly over her own scalp. Her eyes screw shut to instinctively protect herself from the shampoo dripping over her face, and she finds that there’s not much of a difference in here whether her eyes are closed or open.
She hears the sound of splashing water off to her side, meaning that her dad is rinsing himself off. She continues to scrub at her body until she feels something placed near her feet.
“That’s there for when you’re ready,” he says to her, his voice low and calm. She hears him climb into the tub and lower himself into the water.
She pours the bucket of water over herself, and once the soap is fully rinsed from her body she opens her eyes. It’s still dark in here, but she can see her dad’s silhouette in the small bathtub, his knees tucked to his chest. His head turns towards her. He may be smiling, but in the dark there’s no way she can tell.
“It’s okay,” he says. “You can still fit.”
She can still fit, although not as well as she remembers. Unless she keeps her knees to her chest very tightly, her shin will be touching his. She’s nearly curled into a fetal position in the corner of the tub.
Someday she really will be too big to do this with him. She’ll finally have the silence and darkness all to herself.
Her dad looks at her. She can’t see his expression at all, so she averts her eyes.
“What’s your sister been doing lately, anyway? It seems like every day I’ve been coming home to see her with sticks in her hair or scrapes all over her legs.”
“She’s been playing with a girl.”
“One of the tourists’ kids?”
“Mhm. She’s staying at the fancy house on the hill.”
Her dad is silent for a moment. His face is still shrouded in shadow.
“Have you been up there with her?” He asks her calmly.
Hatsune shakes her head. “No. Mom told me not to go there.”
Her dad sighs. She doesn’t know why.
“This girl...she’s around your age, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to meet her?”
Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes. Hatsune isn’t sure if she’s ever wanted anything else in her life as much as she wants to meet Saki-chan, the girl who Uika talks about so much. It’s not a kind of desire she knows how to fully put into words, so she settles for “I do.”
“Maybe you should join your sister when she goes to play with her. I’m sure she’d be happy to meet you too.”
Hatsune lowers herself until her chin is submerged beneath the water. Join Uika? When her habit of sneaking off to play with Saki-chan has meant that Hatsune has spent this summer in peaceful solitude?
“I don’t know...”
“Think about it,” he says. “And don’t worry about what Mom tells you. She’s...she’s just looking out for you, but she might be a little overbearing about it.”
Hatsune doesn’t have the heart to say that she knows why her mother doesn’t want her seeing Saki-chan. Or that knowing just makes her want to see her more. She allows the silence to envelop them both. Closing her eyes, she sinks deeper into the water.
How long has Hatsune been lying here in the dark, staring up at the skylight, all stars drowned out by Tokyo’s light pollution? Minutes? Hours? She came up here as soon as she got home, not even bothering to turn on any lights.
It’s cold in the loft. The pillow she hugs to her chest offers no warmth. Its previous owner’s scent has already started to fade. Soon enough it’ll be like she was never here.
Why is she wasting her time up here? There’s nothing here anymore, just memories. She should be making dinner, or doing homework. Anything other than moping over Saki-chan.
That’s easier said than done, though. Hatsune can feel the air rushing through the hole in her chest that Saki had filled for her.
Still, it’s cold. And lying on the wooden floor is starting to make her back ache. Maybe she should go and mope somewhere more comfortable.
She groans as she pulls herself upward off the floor. Saki’s pillow is still tucked under her arm as she descends the steps and collapses onto the couch. It’s a little warmer here, and much softer. But the empty void in her chest still yawns wide.
What time is it? Is it too early to just go to bed?
She checks the clock on her phone. It’s around half past seven, so maybe it’s still a bit too early for her to go to sleep. But it’s just early enough for her to get ready.
She drags herself to the bathroom, still not bothering to turn on any lights. She doesn’t need them. Silently and mechanically she takes off her clothes and throws them into the basket. Her feet automatically guide her to the shower, but before she steps into it something catches her attention.
When she had first moved into this apartment, Hatsune had all but ignored the large, self-heating bathtub that came with it. She had instead been instantly enamoured with the shower, which both expedited the bathing process and kept her alert and awake throughout it. For about a year the tub saw no use and was never even uncovered.
Then Saki-chan came. She’d been the one to christen it, and still she’s the only person who’s ever used it. It’s effectively hers.
She’s not even around to use it anymore.
Hatsune steps towards the tub. She unrolls the cover to find it empty, and feels a twinge of disappointment. With a sigh she turns on the water and watches it slowly fill.
Saki would spend so long in there. She liked the water hot, Hatsune remembers. The tub is spacious, easily big enough for two people, and a pang of regret squeezes in Hatsune’s chest as she realizes she never even asked if it would be okay to join her. Not that Saki would have ever said yes, but...
The tub is full. Hatsune dips her hand into the water to test the temperature. It’s lukewarm. Heating it up would probably take half an hour, at minimum. That’s too much time to waste.
She lowers herself into the water. It’s not hot, but it’s still warmer than the air around her. It feels numbing around her body. Head to toe, she fits perfectly in the length of the tub. She all but floats on her back, her face poking out from the surface and staring up at the ceiling.
This is...soothing. The water is almost soft in the way it embraces her. Did Saki-chan like this numbing softness? Hatsune can understand why now.
Is this how her dad felt in his last moments, too? Soft, numb, and comfortable.
Hatsune closes her eyes and allows herself to submerge fully.
What traces of Saki-chan are left here? Does any of her essence linger in the water around her? If Hatsune allows it to fill her lungs and flush out the air from her body, will it become part of her? Or will she become part of it? Either way, it sounds so much better than having to keep living like this.
Saki-chan is gone. All that’s left for Hatsune to do is lose herself underneath the water.
At least, that’s what her mind wants to do. Her body, imbued with primal instincts, reacts to what it perceives as life-threatening danger. Without thinking she bolts upright and tumbles out of the tub onto the tile, coughing and sputtering and shivering.
It takes her a moment to realize what just happened. What a massive fuck-up, a failure of a person she is. She can’t even kill herself properly.
Hatsune lies on the bathroom floor in the dark, naked, cold, wet, and alone. She doesn’t even have the strength to cry.
“Saki-chan! Your bath is ready!”
Elegantly, Saki picks up her bookmark from the coffee table and places it between the pages of her book. It’s a thick, heavy tome written in English, so Hatsune can’t even begin to guess what it’s about. Sometimes she wants to ask, but as Saki sets the book down she figures now is not the time.
“I live here too, now,” Saki says, standing. “There’s no need for you to prepare baths for me like this.”
“I-I know,” Hatsune says, a slight blush creeping over her face, her hands wringing together. “But I...I want to, Saki-chan.”
Saki smiles softly, and Hatsune feels something warm in her chest just looking at it. “I know you do. And I’m very grateful.”
She reaches up to tuck a misplaced lock of hair behind Hatsune’s ear. “Thank you, Hatsune.”
The giddiness those words elicit in her is enough to almost make Hatsune go blind for a moment. She stands there practically vibrating in place until Saki calls to her.
“Would you like to join me?”
Despite not moving, Hatsune nearly trips over her own feet. “S-s-sorry, wh-what?”
Saki is still smiling at her, those beautiful warm golden eyes glimmering. “I asked if you would like to join me.”
“I...well...I would...”
“Is that a yes?”
It would be such an unearned act of selfishness for Hatsune to say yes. But at the same time she would never be able to live with herself for passing this up. These two sides battle within her as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.
“Is...i-is that okay?”
“I invited you, did I not?”
Hatsune exhales deeply and wills herself to step forward, taking Saki’s hand in her own.
“Yes,” she breathes, “yes, I want to.”
The bathroom is brightly lit and warm with the residual heat from the water in the tub. They disrobe together, and Hatsune has to stop herself from stealing glances. Her heart hammers in her chest. It’s been months since Saki had retrieved her from Shodoushima and chosen to stay with her for good, and somehow they’ve never done anything like this before. Hatsune is starting to regret saying yes, because she’s not sure if she’ll be able to control herself.
“You may look.”
Before she can stop herself, Hatsune’s head swivels around, and her jaw drops.
She has pictured Saki-chan’s naked form in her mind often, usually when she’s completely alone and knows she won’t be interrupted. But nothing she’s ever conjured up can compare to the real thing. Her skin is perfectly smooth, an alabaster white color save for the rosiness of her cheeks, and her figure is plush and curvaceous. She’s like a sculpture chiseled from a block of marble, a work of art wrought by a dedicated and loving hand.
Saki grins at her, slightly teasingly. Hatsune suddenly finds herself feeling extremely self-conscious.
“S-sorry,” she says, redirecting her gaze to the floor.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Saki says. “Just finish removing your own clothes.”
“Ah...right.” In her shock it seems she’d forgotten to take off her underwear.
A layer of moisture has formed on her skin. Whether it’s condensation, sweat, or some combination of both, she can’t tell. All she knows is that she feels hot and sticky as she sets down a stool a little bit away from Saki.
Saki looks at her for a moment. “What are you so far away for?”
“Oh...um...I don’t want to get in your way...”
Saki sighs. “Then who is going to help me wash my back?”
Hatsune nearly falls off her stool in her haste to move closer. “I-I-I-I’ll help you!”
Saki just smiles as Hatsune repositions herself behind her. Her hair has been pulled to her front for ease of washing, leaving the pale expanse of her back exposed. Hatsune swallows thickly before pouring body wash onto her palm. She rubs her hands together to work the gel into a lather, but her hands stop before they can touch Saki’s skin. They hover over her back, indecisively.
“I have already given you permission,” Saki reminds her.
Saki’s skin is so soft as Hatsune rubs her hands over it. She can feel the curve of her spine underneath her thumbs, her breathing under her palms, the warmth of the blood flowing through her veins. Her hands dare not wander past Saki’s sides, because she doesn’t trust herself to stay within the established boundary. All she’s doing is washing her back. It’s a simple thing, but it feels like the most wonderful thing she’s ever been permitted to do.
Saki takes her hand and places the showerhead into it. She doesn’t even have to tell Hatsune what to do with it. Hatsune obeys the unspoken command and gently rinses the soap from her body. It drips away onto the tile and swirls down the drain on the floor, leaving her skin clean and glistening. She reaches back to gather up her hair and tie it back, and Hatsune’s breath catches at the view.
“Your turn.” Saki looks back at her, an alluring glint in her eye.
Hatsune raises her hands in front of her defensively. “Please don’t worry about me, I can...I can wash myself.”
“I’m sure you can,” Saki says, “but I would like to do it for you.”
“You don’t have to...”
“I want to.”
Hatsune swallows and sits down on her stool, her back facing Saki.
Saki’s hands are small, and her fingers are thin and dainty. Her touch is gentle and soothing, and while she had initially tensed up at the feeling of them roaming over her body, Hatsune soon relaxes into those hands. She’s never really allowed anyone to touch her before, at least not like this. She tolerates pats on the shoulder and touches on the arm from faceless entertainment industry suits and professional skinship from her partner to whatever extent necessary, and she does it by receding into herself. But she stays present as Saki’s fingers thread through her hair and rub into the small of her back.
There’s a tingling warmth under her skin as Saki rinses her body. An energy courses through her, unfamiliar but soothing. Her own heartbeat echoes in her ears, slow and strong.
“Are you not joining me?”
“Huh?”
Hatsune raises her head to see Saki stepping into the tub. Up until now she’d been so focused on her that she hadn’t really registered where they were or what they were doing, but now something comes back to her.
There had only been one time before where she had used that tub, months ago. A memory surfaces of the approaching numbness of oblivion, followed by fear and panic, and finally lying on the wet bathroom tile in the dark, cold air blowing over her damp skin.
A twinge of fear prickles in the back of her mind. Will those depths really tempt her again, now that she has something to hold onto?
“Is...is this really okay?” She speaks quietly, more to herself than to Saki.
“I have told you over and over. I want you to join me.”
Hatsune looks up at Saki. Saki looks down at her. Steam rises off of the water in the bath and billows through the room.
“Okay,” she says, rising shakily to her feet. “Okay, Saki-chan, I’ll join you.”
Hatsune settles into the water. Saki positions herself between her legs, back leaning against her chest. Hatsune wraps her arms around Saki’s waist and leans forward, resting her chin on her shoulder. She fits so perfectly into her arms. It’s a very intimate position, and Hatsune quickly starts to feel heat rising in her skin.
The water is warm. Saki-chan’s body is warm. The only thing there is to sink into is the warmth surrounding her.