Work Text:
The trip home from work was always the most difficult part of Lan Wangji’s day.
And maybe it was the frigid January air as he entered his car (he let out a small fuck as he put on the cold-ass seatbelt). Maybe it was the fact it was his birthday and he was inevitably going to be celebrating alone (Xichen was horribly busy with his own job on the other side of the city, and he had left his many apologies and a guilty-sounding “I’ll make this up to you didi, I swear” over voice message). But today felt so, so much worse than usual.
His hands trembled slightly clutching the frozen steering wheel and stick shift as he exited the parking lot. He was used to the routine of craning his neck to see past the tree that blocked his view of the incoming traffic, with emphasis on “traffic” of course, since the street got regularly filled up with cars bumper to bumper. This reminded Lan Wangji of that one time- no. He trembled a bit more than he already was at the vague thought of the man he was trying so desperately not to let cross his mind.
He had made a silent pact with himself a year or two ago to not think about Wei Ying. There was a period of time a while after his death where he was the only thing Lan Wangji could think about. First came the issues at work, where he formed a habit of excusing himself from meetings to have sobbing breaks in the restroom. He told himself that he couldn’t let it get worse after hearing worried comments from his colleagues. Of course, it did, and a month later he was bedridden for three days straight. Hence, the pact. The pact that would keep him from getting almost-fired again due to not calling in sick for several days of absence, or worse, actually getting fired. So that was that, and he was not to think about this again for the rest of the car ride.
On the other hand... today was his birthday, was it not? Maybe he could let himself think back to this happier time, just for one evening.
God, you have to make better excuses for yourself, Wangji, because this is getting ridiculous.
Ah, well, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea? You’ll get to have some closure, and perhaps then you won’t even need to have some silly pact, as you won’t even feel the need to keep thinking about Wei Wuxian!
He came to a conclusion after a few more rounds of mental deliberation that yes, while it was risky to fill his mind with thoughts of the man he missed so excruciatingly, this very well had a chance of being the end of it. He could finally move on with his life, maybe work towards a promotion, and... other rest-of-your-life things.
He took a long, deep breath that fogged up the top edge of the windshield. Where was he? Oh right. The traffic had reminded him of a time when he was much younger. He was an intern at the lab he worked at now, sorting paperwork and taking notes during conferences for a small wage. One day, Wei Wuxian had arranged to pick him up from work and take him to the nearby park.
Where could he possibly be going with this? He had thought. Wei Ying was the generous type of person to bring him small treats, or a coffee when he sounded tired over the phone, but at the same time, he was one of those unpredictable kinds of people. And something like a meeting at the park fell neatly between these two sides of him.
The traffic that day was as disorderly as Lan Wangji had ever seen it. He covered his ears in those brief moments when the discordant symphony of car horns decided to play. Wei Wuxian had joined in in the driver’s seat, throwing swears at the nearby cars out the open window.
“Oh, your mother can suck on my fat cock, you dickhole!”
“Wei Ying, stop that please.” He pleaded through gritted teeth. “You really aren’t helping to alleviate the stress from this situation-”
“I really sympathize with you, Lan Zhan, but that asshole just cut me off, so duty calls! HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING MAN! TELL YOUR MOTHER TO PUT YOU IN TIME OUT BEFORE I FUCK HER TONIGHT!!”
It had gone on like this for some time before they finally arrived at the park. Lan Wangji had grown dizzy from the irregular motion that always comes with traffic, so he was already frowning before Wei Wuxian had even told him what they came here for. And about that...
“Wei Wuxian, why have you brought me here? I declined my brother’s offer to see a play with him in the evening for this, and so far, it isn’t making up to be a very pleasant experience.”
“Oh Lan Zhan, you really would rather spend time with me on your birthday? I’m so flattered!” He punctuated that by fluttering his eyelashes stupidly, and it took everything in Lan Wangji to not chuckle in amusement. He doesn’t seem to be very bothered by that god-awful drive over here.
“And to answer your question- I have kept it a secret until now, but I hope this tells you everything you need to know!” He threw open his door, and dashed towards the back of the car… was he going to the trunk? Lan Wangji followed him in response. The trunk was in fact fully open, displaying both shopping bags filled with containers of food, and a small cardboard box, sitting atop a folded tablecloth. He looked up to face Wei Wuxian, who was beaming brighter than a sunray. God, his smile was always so damn adorable.
What the fuck are you thinking, Wangji? You can’t keep having these thoughts and getting your hopes up. Wei Ying is your friend, a friend who’s doing you a favor and taking you out on your birthday because you don’t hang out with anyone besides your brother!
He blinked at the sight before him. “Oh, you’ve... arranged for us to sit and eat dinner at the park together?” Despite the fact that Wei Wuxian was definitely not thinking what he was thinking, this gave off the feeling of being some sort of date. Lan Wangji’s ears began to sting at that idea.
“That I did, Lan Zhan! Now, help me carry these supplies, and we’ll go find a table somewhere.”
The two young men had wandered aimlessly around the park, searching for an empty table or even a bench to no avail. Funnily enough, some tables were taken by young kids celebrating their own birthdays, with countless balloons scattered across the grass. It was strangely warm for a January afternoon, so he guessed that other people wanted to make the most of it and celebrate their own birthdays outside. Perhaps that’s why Wei Wuxian had brought him here of all places to celebrate. The last time Lan Wangji had an outdoor birthday was when he was very little. He vaguely remembers it beginning to snow unexpectedly right when the cake was brought out for him, and everything was hurriedly moved inside the house. Lan Huan had jokingly called it an ice cream cake due to the tiny layer of frost that had landed atop it. At that moment little Lan Zhan had firmly decided that he would never celebrate his birthday outside again, and in the future, would stay inside where it was warm and toasty, thank you very much.
That day, the streak had been broken. Maybe it isn’t going to be such a bad change after all, he thought as he caught a glimpse of Wei Ying next to him.
After about a full twenty minutes of walking, Wei Wuxian stopped suddenly.
“You know what Lan Zhan, we don’t need a table. We can eat on the ground. Here, pass me that tablecloth.”
Lan Wangji hesitated for a few moments, and then gave it to Wei Wuxian. He opened it and laid it on a soft patch of grass that was rather far from the main path. The two began to unpack the bags they had brought. I wonder what’s in that box… cake, I assume. Would he really have gotten an entire cake for just the two of us? Does he like eating that much?
His thoughts were interrupted by an “Oh Lan Zhan, look at this view! You should take note for when you find a special girl you want to invite somewhere…” Now that comment was enough to stun Lan Wangji completely. Wasn’t Wei Ying inviting him to this park with a beautiful view of the trees and flowers? Overthinking every single word that came out of Wei Wuxian’s mouth was going to be the death of him.
He never responded to that. Everything was finally laid out on the cloth, and the two sat in a silence that teetered between comfortable and uncomfortable. Maybe agreeing to this was a mistake, and maybe Wangji should have just gone with Xichen. He wanted to escape the striking gaze of Wei Ying’s eyes, that gaze that was too much, too much for one man to handle.
“So. I have something to show you.” Wei Ying said in an almost-whisper before reaching for the box of probably-cake. After fiddling with the bits of tape on the edges, he opened it and pulled out... a camera? I would have never expected that in a million years. Since when is Wei Ying a photographer of all things? It was one of those pretty instant cameras- a medium-blue color adorned with a cloud pattern.
“I saw this camera in the window of that little shop, you know, the one in the city center? Well, it was this blue color that I know you really like, so I knew I had to get it for you. I painted those clouds on myself! You remind me of a cloud. That sounds kind of weird. What I mean is that you’re gentle, and knowledgeable, and you always seem to have your head stuck in one of them! See what I did there?”
Oh, it was perfect.
He was perfect. Wei Ying had no right to just come into his life like this, open his heart, make a nest there, and refuse to leave. No, he was never leaving.
That’s what Lan Wangji told himself. That’s what he told himself even after Wei Ying’s death- which was stupid at best and desperate at worst. Permitting another person stay in his heart and his mind and his entire fucking being for such an extensive period of time meant that this person had to be ripped out of there when the time came. It meant that he felt like a stranger in his own life where two people were meant to be.
He took a breath as he turned the knob and opened the door to his apartment. The space he called home felt more hollow than ever. He made the executive decision to grab that small cake he’d kept in the fridge for today. He didn’t feel very hungry after all that reminiscing on the ride over, and would much rather clock in for the night, but he wasn’t just going to let this day go by without a slight hint of joy.
It was in a box, of course. All the cakes at the bakery came in boxes. He missed the times when it was cameras that came in boxes.
That time at the park... they had taken some pictures that evening, didn’t they? It had been Wei Ying’s idea- for keepsakes, he had said. Wangji was able to remember that day clearly even without the help of photographs. He never felt the need to look at the photos from time to time, or whatever else people did with pictures. He had kept them anyway, at Wei Ying’s request.
He especially didn’t want to look at the photos after his personal pact was formed. He’d avoided them for so long that he couldn’t even remember where he’d placed them- but maybe it would be nice if he could hold them one last time.
Lan Wangji placed the box of cake on the table, and went to search for the photos. The layer of film was likely to have grown dusty after all these years. He was almost looking forward to being able to blow it off. Actually, he definitely was.
He picked through his office room first. The drawers were likely to have them hidden between pages of notebooks, or something of that nature. He came up empty handed after thoroughly shuffling through the stacks of paper. As well as when he searched the rest of the office, through shelves and containers and everything in sight. He searched his bedroom- nothing. The kitchen? Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHING.
Where the fuck could they have gone? This apartment isn’t that big, there’s only so many places they could be.
Lan Wangji backtracked places he had already searched. Perhaps he’d missed the photos somewhere along the way. Yes yes, that’s definitely it. With each repetition of places he’d already searched, he began to swear louder and louder.
At that point, there were drawers strewn open, papers scattered across his desk, and a growing gap in Lan Wangji’s sanity.
They can’t be fucking gone, no no you don’t understand I NEED those pictures, I need Wei Ying back, please please please
And yet, nobody heard. Nobody heard when Lan Wangji fell to the floor sobbing and scratching at the floorboards. Nobody heard his wails of pleading to the empty air that took up the greater part of the night. Nobody heard when his Wei Ying had left him forever.
The cake sat on his kitchen table, left uneaten.