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"Hirako?"
"Yes, Kirishima?"
"I need your help. I want to . . . well, start a relationship with Kaneki. So I'm going to ask him out for coffee. Kaneki, being oblivious, will probably ask me something like, "Who else is going?" And I need you there to say that you can't go."
"Why not just ask Kaneki out directly?"
"His last date ended with a ghoul trying to eat him. I'm trying to ease him into this. And I don't want to scare him off. So will you help?"
"What reason do I give for not being able to go?"
"Make something up."
"Touka? Are you sure you're not just asking me because you're uncharacteristically nervous?"
"Shut up. And yes, I am."
"Touka, have you seen the coffee cans?" Kaneki said, wandering into the dining room.
"I've shifted them to the top shelf in the pantry. And speaking of coffee, do you want to try out this new coffeeshop around the corner with me?"
"Sure!" Kaneki said. "That would be nice as a break. Who else is going? Hirako, do you want to come along too?"
There was a pause, and then Hirako said blankly, "No. I'm afraid I will be busy . . . giving my dog a bath."
Kaneki blinked. "Hirako, you gave your Shiba a bath yesterday."
"Well, he needs a bath again. And I still can't go, because I will be eating . . . rice crackers. With my Shiba next to me. And here's my Letter of Non-Attendance to prove it."
Hirako handed Kaneki a sealed envelope and valiantly tried to ignore Touka's death glare.
"Well," Hirako said, getting up from his chair, "I should go now to make shampoo for my dog. Have fun on your date!"
"So . . . this is a date?" Kaneki said uncertainly.
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Really? I ask you out after I've wanted to ask you out for two years, and you say 'Oh'?"
"Okay . . . well . . . it would make me sad if you died."
"What?"
"It would make me happy if you lived . . . and really happy if we could start a relationship together."
"And that's more like it."