Chapter Text
Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out it wasn’t an amazing day after all. This is not going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?
I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.
I wish I was a part of something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if i disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your most best, and dearest friend, Me.
What a depressing letter to bring to your therapist. Suicide watch worthy even..
Oh, who was he kidding?
He doubted Dr. Sherman even cared. He would just say some things about how his mom would be sad and that better days would come. Tell him how he could manage to talk to Zoe.
Zoe who he had all hopes pinned on, which was so pathetic because he didn’t even know her! The only thing- or well not the “only thing” he knew that she played in band, that she scribbled stars on her jeans when she was bored, that she still buys those teen magazines- okay, besides all that, he knew she had an asshole for a brother.
Connor Murphy a tall, lanky, longhaired, aggressive stoner. The school shooter type you see in movies. A troubled teen with nothing to live for- what an awful thought, he cut himself off.
Connor Murphy could have things to live for, he had a sister, two rich parents- not that you couldn’t be sad just because you’re rich! Just that maybe it didn’t make it worse?
Would he himself be happy if he was rich? Probably-
“So..” speaking of the devil.
“What happened to your arm?” Connor Murphy continued.
“Oh- Uh.. I fell out of a tree actually,” he mumbled to his shoes.
Where did he even come from?
“You fell out of a tree?” Connor repeated back to him.
Evan nodded back a bit unsure.
Should he had said with something cooler? He fought of three guys in an alley way- No, then he would have to come up with a backstory on why they were even cornering him.. What was he even thinking?
Why did he even care about “impressing” Connor Murphy?
“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard! Oh my god..” he scoffed.
“I know” Evan found himself giving a small laugh back, humiliating himself more by just agreeing with this asshole.
“No one singed your cast!” Connor so thoughtfully pointed out.
“No, I know” another quiet mumble escaping his lips.
Could he go now?
“I’ll sign it”
Evan’s gaze left the sorrow floor for the first time, looking surprised at the offer. Was this a joke?
Connor looked away for a second, his thumb in his mouth, scarfing off the rest of the black nail polish.
“Why would you-“ a whisper almost to himself before continuing: “You don’t have to.”
Connor shrugged, his arms reaching out to the sides
“You have a sharpie?”
Was this his weird attempt of saying sorry for this morning?
When he didn’t respond Connor turned around, ready to walk away. Evan quickly pulled out the sharpie his mom had given him this morning, holding it out.
“You can go around today and get the other kids to sign your cast, I’m proud of you already”.
Connor raised his eyebrows but took the pen nonetheless. Evan winced as the other boy grabbed his arm rather aggressively and wrote his name. Bold letters, spelling out: CONNOR, now covered the whole cast.
“Oh, great! Thanks..” the forced smile on Evan’s face was more of a grimace as he stared down at his arm.
“Well, now we can both pretend we have friends,” it was Connors turn to mutter words to the floor, but unlike Evan his cocky demeanor remained as he looked up.
Evan gave a small noise of agreement before walking away, unsure of how to continue the conversation. Besides he still had an appointment to get to.
“Was this…“ Connor stopped him and held up a paper.
“I found it in the printer and thought it might be yours?”
Evan stopped in his tracks, the letter.
“Dear Evan Hansen.. That’s your name,” Connor continued his observation.
Evan reached out a hand to take it back.
“It’s just this paper I have to write, an assignment..” he trailed off as Connor pulled back the paper, and god forbid, started reading it.
His eyes skimmed the page.
“Because there’s Zoe..?” he looked up his face tightening.
Evan pulled back his hand, and backed away, wiping his hands on his trousers.
“Is this about my sister?”
“No no no-“
“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it!“ Evan stood stunned at Connors sudden outburst.
“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you printed this out so I would find it!” Connor was almost laughing, an unbelievable expression plastering his face.
This was the Connor everyone talked about, the Connor who had pushed him to the ground earlier this morning.
Evan shook his head, tried to come up with some excuse but was cut off once again.
”So I would read some creepy shit about my sister and freak out! Right?” he was screaming now.
”And then you can tell everyone that I am crazy!” Connors threw out his arms, gesturing to “everyone”, ironic to do in an empty room.
“What? No-,” Evan spluttered
Connor sprinted past him, letter still in hand.
”Right!? Fuck you!” he screamed in his face as he threw up the door, running away.
A volcano of blabber started spilling from Evan’s mouth.
”Hey! Hey!? I still need that!” he shouted after him.
He tried to follow Connor, but the corridor was full of students going to their extracurriculars and not one of them bore a head of long badly combed brown hair.
Evan needed that letter back.
But how could he reach him? He couldn’t ask any of Connors friends since- well he didn’t have any, not to Evan’s knowledge atleast. He scrapped the idea of just showing up at Connors house, because that’s just creepy.
The reason of Evan knowing where he lived was even creepier…
It was almost a year now ago, Evan had been set on talking to Zoe that day but hadn’t been able to work up the courage during school. So he stupidly decided followed her after the day ended, planning to walk up to her and pretend it was a coincidence:
“Oh you walk this way too? Wow that’s crazy! I’m Evan! Pardon? Chloe? Oh, Zoe right!” But had taken to long to approch her and was left stupidly standing outisde her house before heading back. It shouldn’t even had been that hard Zoe was just-
Zoe. Zoe!
He spotted a streak of red hair in the crowd, and before he could even think yelled out: “Zoe! Hey uh- wait up!”
She stopped as Evan appeared before her, her face tightening in a similar manner to her brother (not uncanny at all) before turning her expression into a small smile.
“What?” she couldn’t hide her sigh, her feet rolled forwards and backwards in an impatient manner.
“Uh- sorry..” he wiped his hands on his trousers.
When Zoe didn’t say anything, her eyes drifting to the music room further away, he considered turning around.
He still had an appointment to get to- right! The Letter.
“Do you know where Connor, your brother, is?” he spluttered.
Why had he clarified that he meant her brother? There wasn’t even another Connor at this school..
“No? Why?” she questioned, crossing her arms.
“We- We have this assignment for.. science, and I got paired up with him but he wasn’t in class and I just wanted to get a hold of him.. to do the assignment..” he rambled.
”Right..” she dragged out the “I”, and looked him up and down, her eyes falling on his cast.“Are you two friends now?”
“What? No-“ he looked down at the big letters covering his cast ,“CONNOR”, and thought back to the words the boy had spoken after writing it.
“Uh- kind of..” he shrugged, his head quirking as his pitched changed.
Zoe still looked a bit unsure, her expression calculating. The last time they spoke was after Connor had pushed him to the ground, so no wonder she was confused.
Evan took a deeper breath before continuing.
“Could I have his number? I just really want this assignment done..” he cringed inwardly.
She rolled her eyes.
“Sure, but I doubt he will do much”
Evan fumbled to get up his phone before handing it to Zoe. With her having her brother’s number memorized (for whatever reason) she walked off rather quickly after handing Evan back his phone.
A new contact looking back at him from the screen.
Connor Murphy.