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Days ago Travis had buried something in the snow, stuck a shovel in the mound so as to not lose its exact spot, and walked back to his car which waited for him as snow fell around him. Now he had come back for what he had buried. Shoveling the snow out of the way, bit by bit, he’d toss the shovel aside and fall to his knees while using his hands to dig up the rest of the snow. There it laid in pure white powder, a gun that had been waiting patiently for him. It wasn’t a matter of if it was needed but rather a matter of when it was time.
Travis had tried so hard to make things work out for himself, he really did. He thought he could fix this but he only broke it in the process. Whatever he touched he destroyed. He had ruined every opportunity and pushed everyone away from him. More importantly, he had pushed Devin away. A few years ago things looked optimistic. They both had graduated from Stanford, had degrees in fields that had so many job opportunities, and Devin’s family loved Travis as if he was their own son. It was one year in though that the job market had started to crash and Travis’s schizophrenia had started to get worse. It didn’t help that his insurance wouldn’t cover anything, or that the therapists he met weren’t helpful or didn’t know how to handle his mental health; He stopped looking for therapists two years in. It wasn’t like he could afford them anyways to begin with. Money was tight for both him and Devin. Student loans were a bitch.
Pulling the gun out from the ditch in the snow, he’d lay it down in his lap while staring at it. All he could think of at the moment was Devin now. His face, the way his smile lit up a room, and the way he seamlessly could just do everything. In Travis’s eyes, Devin was perfect. Devin deserved way better than him.
I hate you. The words kept repeating themselves in his head.
Freak. Schizo. Weirdo.
Travis could still feel the way his hands and his face stung and ached from when Rusty had lunged himself at him. Travis knew he deserved it completely. He missed the Christmas decorations– the lights on the walls, the $50 Christmas tree, and above all else Devin’s presence.
Devin had so much left to do, and there was nothing left waiting for Travis. Devin had a family, and the last foster family that had Travis abandoned him by the time he turned 18, setting him loose in a world that wasn’t made for people like himself. He couldn’t even go out in public anymore without fear of people staring at him. They thought he was a freak, didn’t they? That was all he could hear looping in his head the past few months. It was why long walks late at night soothed him. He could get fresh air, be left alone, and think to himself of the future or now a lack-thereof. It was easier to go out in public with Devin initially when his social anxiety had started to set in a year ago, but that was before Devin had other things to do, and before Travis knew it he’d grown paranoid that Devin started to hate him for it and stopped asking.
Hell, the paranoia had grown so bad he’d stopped talking entirely. He had so much to say, thought of so many things, but whenever he looked Devin in the eyes his throat closed up and his hands got clammy. The words came back to mind and looped once more; I want to be normal.
God, make me normal next time.
Gripping onto the gun so tightly that his knuckles had started to turn white, he watched as his tears fell onto the gun itself. His hands were shaking as he brought the barrel to the side of his face. He was going to go through with this. He knew this was his only way out aside from going homeless and begging in the streets.
So why was he so scared then? Why was he shaking? Why was he crying? Why was he hesitating so much?
If he looked past the trees he could’ve sworn he saw Devin looking back at him as if taunting him. Still though, he had that gentle smile; Travis put a finger on the trigger. Before he could pull it however, Travis felt himself be pushed forwards while something– someone– ripped the gun out of his hands and threw it to the side while grabbing onto Travis and shoving him onto the ground.
“Travis! Travis!” The voice, cracking and strained, was as clear as day. Travis could feel their touch, he could feel his touch. Was this real?
It was Devin who was looking back at him as Travis stared into his eyes.
“Travis! What the hell are you doing man?!” Look me in the eyes, something in his head repeated. Look me in the eyes. And so he did, he looked into Devin’s who were pouring tears. All Devin could do at first was sit there in silence as Devin wrapped his arms around him. Devin’s body was warm against his own, frigid from the winter cold and the snow. Hallucination or not, and desperate for any form of physical attention, Travis hooked his arms underneath Devin’s and planted his hands firmly against the other’s back while burying his face into Devin’s chest.
“C’mere man, c’mere.” Devin murmured as he squeezed Travis against him while letting a hand hold the back of Travis’s hand, letting his hand run through Travis’s hair and knocking off his cap in the process.
“I’m here, man. I’m here. It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything.” His voice was soft and gentle. It was something that Travis had been yearning to hear for days now. In the dead silence that followed, Travis sobbed into Devin’s chest to the point of coughing and gasping for air while his fingers dug into the back of Devin’s Stanford hoodie. Sniffles came from Devin as well with his own cheeks wet from tears he hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.
Finally, after so long, Travis worked up the courage to speak.
“What’re you– what’re you doing here?” Travis’s voice was soft but still audible.
“How did you find me?” Devin, at first visibly surprised, soon softened as he kept his focus on Travis.
“I saw your car on the side of the road,” Devin stated as he looked off in the direction of the car before looking back at Travis, “and I saw footprints in the snow. I just–” he’d pause while taking in a breath, “I got a bad feeling, man. I just knew something was off.” Call it a late Christmas miracle or good timing, either one worked. Devin just didn’t want to think about what could’ve happened if he was any second later than he was.
“You were looking for me?” The words slipped out of Travis’s mouth before he thought over it. It was from pure surprise alone to him that Devin, despite what he said, cared enough to look for him even after everything he did.
“I still hate you, but I’m not going to let you kill yourself.” Devin stated as he let his hands rest on Travis’s shoulder. He’d go back and correct himself with his voice growing quiet, “I think hate is a strong word right now though.” Right now he couldn’t bring himself to hate Travis. The man looked pitiful, clinging onto him like a scared child desperate for any kind of affection or warmth.
“Mhm,” was all Travis could give at first, causing a pit to form in Devin’s stomach, before Travis would croak out, “Thank you. I didn’t think you’d come looking for me. I thought I lost everything– I thought I lost you.” Suddenly, the words from days ago he could tell Devin. Pulling away and looking at Devin Travis began, digging his fingers into Devin’s sleeves.
“I’m sorry for never talking to you,” he sniffled as he spoke, “sorry for ever disregarding your feelings, everything.” Travis squeezed Devin’s forearms before continuing, looking down at the ground and then back up at Devin again.
“I know this is too late. I know I’m saying this way too late. Please just–” Travis slumped against Devin with his forehead against Devin’s chest, “forgive me. God, please, just forgive me. You can still hate me, I just want to be forgiven. You can block me, ignore me, and wish that I was dead. I just–” Travis’s voice cracked as his eyes welled with tears.
“I just want you to forgive me.” I want to be cleansed, I need you to make me pure. I need you to still see me as a person when no one else ever has. When Travis was met by silence he’d look up at Devin, his face somber and anticipating the worst.
That was when Devin placed a hand against Travis’s cheek, his hand warm against Travis’s cold skin, and leaned in slowly to gently kiss him. Travis, at first frozen in place, slowly closed his eyes and leaned into it. His thoughts went quiet for the first time in a very long time as all Travis could focus on was Devin’s lips against his own chapped ones. Once they pulled away Travis went straight back to keeping Devin back into a tight embrace.
“I love you. I love you so much.” It was religious almost, utter devotion at Devin’s feet.
“I can’t imagine life without you. I just can’t. I need you, Devin. Please, stay with me. I’ll get better, I’ll do anything.” He didn’t know what was going to happen to himself, he was terrified, but maybe with Devin back things wouldn’t be unsalvageable. He could still fix things, get his life back on track. He could look for a job, work up the money for a therapist. He could finally live.
“Let's get you out of the cold, man.” Devin said as he helped Travis up from the ground, even walking over to Travis’s cap and picking it up for him, but not before cradling his face again and kissing Travis on the temple while putting his cap back on.
“Let’s get going, we can talk more in the car.” Devin, letting a hand rest against the small of Travis’s back, would escort him back to their cars, while Travis would rest his hand against Devin’s shoulder.