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The set was a cacophony of movement and murmurs, assistants and photographers and makeup artists flitting to and fro, barking commands and fixing loose hairs. This chaos always served as a prelude to a new comeback, vision boards and design meetings now taking physical form around and upon the six girls at the center of it all.
The concept: Blue Valentine, a romance lost to circumstance, a passion quelled but not forgotten. Feelings not gone but twisted; adoration into obsession, affection into resentment. Love and loss and anger and regret mixed together, their combined hue one of resignation to the lonely future that awaited.
A concept that, truth be told, wasn’t the easiest for the idols to fully embody. They were idols, young ones at that, and weren’t exactly able to engage in trysts and doomed relationships and things of that nature. The only experiences they could pull from were unspoken crushes in school classrooms and, perhaps, secret kisses with other trainees as precocious teens. Even then, the feelings were immature and shallow - a burst of pubescent hormones or natural curiosity. There was no everlasting bond, no intimacy, no aching in their souls.
Of course, they were still professionals. It was foolish to believe that every singer or actor had truly experienced the emotions their role called for; rather it was the sign of a great performer that they could embody the feelings they themselves had never felt. If they had never experienced a love so deep it could create a blue valentine, then they simply needed to pretend.
Why then, when Jinsol had first read the lyrics to the title track, had her heart surged out her chest? Why did the idea of losing such a close, intimate relationship cause her such stress? Why did the thought of choosing to fall in love over and over, knowing it would just bring you pain, sound like the most romantic thing in the world?
And why did Jiwoo look so good with that stupid boyish wig? Didn’t she know that Jinsol was in charge of being handsome?
It’s not like she hadn’t noticed how good Jiwoo looked before - they’d been basically inseparable since they were trainees, often talking and texting late into the night about whatever stray thought they had. They’d watched each other grow up, never out of reach of one another, and at every stage of their young lives Jinsol had adopted more words to describe her companion: cute, adorable, fluffy, beautiful, stunning, stylish, cool. Anytime she’d get a slight blush and an exaggerated groan out of the younger girl she’d store the offending word away in her mental dictionary, ready for future teasing.
That stupid wig had turned everything upside down. That stupid wig with that stupid white button-up shirt and that stupid makeup that made her stupid face look stupidly attractive. Suddenly Jinsol was the one blushing and avoiding eye contact lest her expression reveal what was boiling beneath her surface. Unfortunately for her, Jiwoo had already caught her staring multiple times.
Jiwoo wasn’t fooled by Jinsol’s attempts to avoid her eyes; she was, after all, perhaps the least-subtle person Jiwoo had ever met. Her earnestness, normally a weapon for breaking down other’s guards, was now betraying her. The taller girl could be many things, but hard-to-read was not one of them. The moment they both had a break between shoots, Jiwoo found her way to Jinsol’s side.
“Unnie~” the younger girl whined, making sure to really draw out the last syllable. “What’s wrong? Does this wig make me look weird?”
Jinsol could tell she was pouting from how the words tumbled out her mouth. She loved that pouty face, especially when she was the cause of it. It would take every ounce of her willpower to not look right now.
“Jinsol-unnie…”
It turned out she did not have nearly as much willpower as she had hoped. Her head immediately snapped towards the girl in front of her. What awaited her was pain and suffering.
A head, tilted slightly down, contrasted by big, pleading eyes; the whole sight was emphasized by the height difference between the two. Just below her eyes were those big pouty lips, adorned with two puffed-out cheeks. Jinsol was familiar with this face - some might say she was the leading cause of it - but it struck her harder than before. Something about it was new. The girl’s jaw was sharper, her contacts were ocean blue, her face was speckled with painted-on freckles. The top buttons of her shirt were undone, and from where Jinsol was she could see a little more than she was supposed to.
She was totally overwhelmed. She did the only thing she could think to do and fell to her knees, grabbing Jiwoo’s hands as she did. She hung her head and spoke just loud enough for a few nearby staff to hear.
“Who is this fiend and what have they done with my sweet princess Jjyu?” she bemoaned. A photographer chuckled as he hurried past.
“Oh stop it unnie!” the younger girl giggled, playfully swatting at Jinsol’s shoulder. “I can’t look that different.”
“Oh Jiwoo”, the kneeling girl thought to herself, “if you knew what this look was doing to me I’d never hear the end of it.”
She heard a soft breath in her ear, suddenly much closer than she remembered. Jinsol tensed, a sense of impending danger surging through her nervous system.
“Or maybe,” the voice whispered.
She looked up.
“You like this look a lot.”
She gulped. The mood had changed. The combination of Jiwoo’s smug smile and the way she towered above her was drawing out new sensations in Jinsol’s heart. She wasn’t used to feeling this small.
Jiwoo’s smile widened and her eyes narrowed. She felt like she was going to die.
“Oh God. She’s so attractive.” she thought to herself, forcing out a breath.
The currently-taller girl’s face changed. She looked…shocked? Stunned? What happened?
“I’m w-what?” she mumbled, looking down at Jinsol.
“You’re so hot right now.” Jinsol thought to herself again.
Wait.
Oh no. That wasn’t her internal monologue. That was her voice, the one that comes from her mouth. The one that other people could hear. Her eyes scanned Jiwoo’s face, which was quickly turning bright red.
They stayed frozen for a moment, just staring at each other. Neither knew how to move on from what had just happened, and given the lack of attention anyone was paying to them, no one else had caught their heated exchange. That was a relief at least, Jinsol thought.
A girlish giggle pulled their attention away from each other, both sets of eyes landing on the source of the disturbance. Standing close enough to have definitely heard everything was Lily, her gaze darting between the two girls.
“Cuuuute.” she said in English, dragging the word out to really emphasize that she had, in fact, seen the whole thing. “You look like you’re about to propose, Jinsol-ah! How romantic.”
Before any of the three could blink, Jinsol was on her feet, hands now at her side. Lily just giggled again and approached the guilty-looking pair. She reached to fix a few stray hairs in Jiwoo’s wig that had come loose.
“Normally the boy proposes to the girl, but this way was kind of nice too.” she mused to no one in particular. Satisfied with her handiwork, she took a step back before looking between the two guilty parties. She smirked.
“Haewonnie would probably say something like ‘I don’t care what you two are up to, just try and remember where you are.’ That’s probably good advice, yeah?”
The girls nodded, their posture and expressions reminiscent of two schoolchildren caught passing notes in class. Lily giggled one more time before departing. Before the two could exchange any further words they were both whisked away for the work they were supposed to be doing.
…
The shoot stretched way into the night, the company’s black SUV not pulling into the dorm’s driveway until close to 3am. Their manager, in an act of charity, had rearranged their schedules for the next day to allow them some actual rest. With no more reason to rush to bed, the girls slowly meandered through the dorm as they each attended to their nightly rituals.
Jinsol was running a towel through her hair as she returned from her shower when she bumped into Jiwoo in the hallway. They hadn’t spoken since Lily interrupted them at the shoot - not that either of them were capable of discussing what had happened anyways.
Their eyes met for a second and Jinsol froze again. Jiwoo still had on her makeup from earlier, the style that emphasized her jawline and her cheekbones, except now it was contrasted with her long, silky hair. She had to act fast or she was going to blurt out something stupid again.
“Ah! My princess has returned! I was worried that boy had replaced you.” She wrapped her arms around Jiwoo’s head as she spoke, pulling her in.
“Unnie, shush! Yoona is trying to sleep and you’re so loud.” Her smile betrayed her lack of real annoyance at the ridiculous display. She instinctively wrapped her arms around the warm torso in front of her, leaning into the embrace.
They held each other for a moment in the hallway. Despite the late hour, most of the group were still up and about. Lily and Haewon were in the kitchen, chatting away as they ate a snack while Kyujin had taken the unoccupied bathroom to take her shower.
The longer the two of them held each other, the more they could feel the tension building. They couldn’t ignore the incident earlier, but neither of them knew how they were supposed to bring it up. To Jinsol’s surprise, Jiwoo moved first, releasing the hug and taking the older girl’s hand. She pulled her into Jinsol and Lily’s currently-empty room and closed the door.
Jinsol knew why they were here. She had hoped to avoid any serious discussions, especially right now, so she did what she always did: try to push away those uncomfortable emotions with a joke.
“Ohhh Jjyu, you’re so bold! But I’m afraid my young maiden’s heart isn’t ready for-”
“Bae Jinsol.” Hearing her full name caught her off-guard, her voice dying midsentence as she looked back towards the girl standing at the door.
“You said something today during the shoot. Why?” Jiwoo’s boldness was startling, her usual shy whisper replaced with a firm, unshaken voice. Combined with her much more handsome than usual facial features, the sight was intoxicating. But Jinsol wouldn’t be caught so easily. She’d spent years worming her way out of awkward situations.
“Well, I said a lot of things today, you’ll have to tell me which one you mean.” She knew Jiwoo. She knew she wouldn’t want to repeat back what Jinsol had said, the embarrassment would be-
“You said I was attractive. You called me hot.” As if to emphasize the final word, the girl took a step forward as she said it, closing the distance between the two of them.
“A-ah, that. Yeah I m-may have said that.” Her cool facade now completely shattered, Jinsol stuttered her way through the words while looking around the room for an escape route. The window perhaps? They were only on the third floor.
Before she could prepare to dive through the thick glass, two hands hit the desk she was backed up against, one on either side of her. She looked down, Jiwoo’s handsome features now way too close.
“You said I was hot.” Jiwoo’s eyes were fixed on the face in front of her. Her voice was firm. This was not how she normally reacted to Jinsol’s flirting and teasing.
“Yeah…” Jinsol could barely usher the word out. A soft whisper is all she was capable of, her mind having been thrown into disarray. She was in danger of doing something really stupid. Something she couldn’t pretend didn’t happen later.
Jiwoo just stared at her, studying her expression. She couldn’t tell what was going through the younger girl’s mind. Had she screwed up and gone too far? Did her flirting finally get a little too real and scare Jiwoo off?
To her relief, the tension cracked. Jiwoo smiled with a giggle and wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her into another hug. Confusion and relief washed over Jinsol who, to her credit, managed to play it cool by returning the embrace with a chuckle.
They held for a few seconds before pulling apart, arms still around one another but with enough space to let the moment breath. Jiwoo, yet again, broke the silence first.
“Sorry unnie, I just wanted to tease you a bit. I never get to see you get flustered like that.”
Jinsol’s right hand swung to her own chest, followed by a gasp.
“Jiwoo! I would never expect such mischief from my cute little princess. Have you been taking lessons from Kyujin? Or was it Haewon?”
“Mm nope, I learned it from the master.” The shorter girl punctuated the last word with a poke to Jinsol’s nose. Before she could continue their back-and-forth, Jiwoo spoke again.
“I don’t usually get to be the one making you blush. I can kinda understand why you do it to me so much now.”
“Yeah, well I couldn’t help it. You don’t usually look like…that.”
“...like what, unnie?”
They both could feel how dangerous the words sounded the moment they left Jiwoo’s mouth. Their eyes locked again. For once, Jinsol chose her words carefully.
“You looked…different. A lot different.” She let the words linger for a second before continuing.
“Like, you’re usually so pretty and your makeup is so girlish. And I like that, it’s cute.” Jiwoo’s ears suddenly felt hot. Jinsol was speaking from the heart now, no more hesitating, and that meant that she was at her most deadly.
“But seeing you with this boyish makeup and that wig and the button up shirt and…I don’t know. It made you look really handsome. Like it was a new side of you I hadn’t seen before.”
She felt Jiwoo’s hands grip the back of her shirt a little tighter. If she was trying to tell Jinsol to stop, that message was not received - if anything, the sudden heat between them was filling the taller girl with confidence. She took a deep breath before continuing.
“And I uh…I’m not used to looking up at you. It uh, it was…new.”
“Good new?”
“Yeah…really good.”
The air between them was thick with unspoken desire, their faces locked onto one another. Both of them were afraid to make the first move, unsure what crossing the invisible boundary between them would mean for their future. There was a chance they would stay stuck in this moment in time forever. Thankfully, the universe sent them a lifeline.
“Oh my god, again?” came a familiar accent from the doorway. Both their heads immediately snapped to the other occupant of the shared dorm room - the same girl that had already caught them like this once today. Lily spoke again, exasperation in her voice.
“What did I just say to you two? I don’t care what you’re doing but try and remember where you are, and that includes our room Jinsol-ah!” She rolled her eyes as she made her way to her closet, gathering up her pajamas and a towel.
Jinsol breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that something, anything, had stopped her before she had given into the feelings surging through her heart. She instinctively pulled Jiwoo back into a hug before responding.
“Lily-unnie, you don’t understand. If I don’t get my allotted princess Jjyu time I won’t have the energy to wake up tomorrow.” She wrapped one arm around her princess’ back and another around her head, pulling her tight to her chest.
“Yeah yeah, just remember what I said alright?”
Jinsol smirked, the back and forth banter releasing the tension that had been building in her. “Well that’s what you said Haewon-unnie would say. What would Lily-unnie say?”
Lily paused at the doorway and looked over her shoulder at the two enjoined girls, her eyes darting between them. She cleared her throat.
“Lily would say that you two have approximately 20 minutes to do whatever it is you need to do until she’s back from her shower.” She winked at Jinsol before closing the door, humming to herself as she marched towards the bathroom.
…
The two girls had shifted to sitting on the edge of Jinsol’s bed, their knees touching and hands together. Though the atmosphere was no longer charged, an air of intimacy still filled the room. Jiwoo squeezed Jinsol’s hand and spoke softly.
“You know Jinsol-ah, I always think you’re so cool.” She lowered her head as she spoke, eyes affixed to their conjoined hands. “Even when you’re joking around you’re still so cool. Cool and handsome.”
Jiwoo paused, waiting for Jinsol to cut in with a tease or a boast. Jinsol just smiled and squeezed the smaller girl’s hand. Jiwoo looked up into her eyes, then continued.
“Um, I…I don’t know how to say this. I like that cool side of you a lot. But I…” She gulped. The words were sticking to her throat. “I like that cute, vulnerable side too.”
Before Jinsol could speak, Jiwoo forced out one more confession.
“I really like when you only show that side to me.” The air stilled for a second, the sound of a distant shower the only sign of life in the now-quiet dorm. Jiwoo took a deep breath, unsure of what was next.
“Ahh Jiwoo-ah, I didn’t know you could be so bold!” Jinsol was trying to play off the pseudo-confession, but her cheeks were bright red. She closed her eyes, trying to recenter herself. “I, heh, I don’t know what to say to that.”
The silence hung there, both girls unsure what came next.
The sound of the shower faded, their time nearly up. Suddenly, movement. Jinsol opened her eyes and Jiwoo was entirely too close. She heard her voice, slow and gentle and just a little deeper than normal.
“You don’t have to say anything, princess.”
Their lips met and Jinsol melted, adrenaline surging through her system. This moment had played in her mind for years, her imagination creating all sorts of scenarios and possibilities for how it would finally happen. But she had never imagined that Jiwoo, her sweet innocent Jiwoo, would be the initiator. She didn’t think Jiwoo could be this aggressive.
She liked it. A lot.
Her arms snaked around Jiwoo’s back, desperate to feel her warmth. One hand reached into the girl’s hair, pulling her closer. Their lips were desperate, like they’d waited their whole lives to meet. When they finally pulled apart, breaths short and shallow, neither said anything for a moment. They leaned against one another, foreheads touching, taking in the emotions that had finally spilled out between them. Jinsol finally broke the silence.
“Lily will be back any second.”
“Yeah.”
“If she catches us a third time today she might actually kill us.”
They shared a soft giggle before finally pulling apart. Jiwoo rose from the bed and moved to leave, Jinsol following close behind. She didn’t make it very far before she felt a hand wrap around her waist. Before she could process what was happening, she was spun around and pushed back into the door.
As she looked up into Jinsol’s eyes, she was met with one more deep kiss, her mouth invaded by Jinsol’s tongue and the taste of toothpaste and sweet nectar. Had she not been up against the door, she was sure she would’ve collapsed.
The kiss was far, far too short. Jinsol pulled away and looked at Jiwoo, who was now flushed and panting and dazed. Proud of her handiwork, she grinned before leaning back down, whispering into the younger girl’s ear.
“Hmm, I liked when you were aggressive. But I think this look still suits you better, my Jiwoo.”
Jinsol let those last words sit with her. My Jiwoo. She watched as the girl’s face somehow got ever redder, her eyes even wider. She reached behind her and turned the door handle before ushering her out of the room. Just before her face disappeared behind the closed door, she whispered.
“Goodnight princess. Sweet dreams.”
…
As she passed Lily on the way to the washroom, Jiwoo averted her eyes. This, of course, just confirmed what Lily had already figured. When she returned to her shared room, Jinsol was already laying in her bed, facing away. Lily chuckled.
“Have fun falling asleep, Jinsol-ah.”
Neither girl slept that night.